Skip to main content

Full text of "Encyclopaedia of Etiquette: What to Write, what to Do, what to Wear, what to ..."

See other formats


This is a digital copy of a book that was preserved for generations on Hbrary shelves before it was carefully scanned by Google as part of a project 

to make the world's books discoverable online. 

It has survived long enough for the copyright to expire and the book to enter the public domain. A public domain book is one that was never subject 

to copyright or whose legal copyright term has expired. Whether a book is in the public domain may vary country to country. Public domain books 

are our gateways to the past, representing a wealth of history, culture and knowledge that's often difficult to discover. 

Marks, notations and other maiginalia present in the original volume will appear in this file - a reminder of this book's long journey from the 

publisher to a library and finally to you. 

Usage guidelines 

Google is proud to partner with libraries to digitize public domain materials and make them widely accessible. Public domain books belong to the 
public and we are merely their custodians. Nevertheless, this work is expensive, so in order to keep providing this resource, we liave taken steps to 
prevent abuse by commercial parties, including placing technical restrictions on automated querying. 
We also ask that you: 

+ Make non-commercial use of the files We designed Google Book Search for use by individuals, and we request that you use these files for 
personal, non-commercial purposes. 

+ Refrain fivm automated querying Do not send automated queries of any sort to Google's system: If you are conducting research on machine 
translation, optical character recognition or other areas where access to a large amount of text is helpful, please contact us. We encourage the 
use of public domain materials for these purposes and may be able to help. 

+ Maintain attributionTht GoogXt "watermark" you see on each file is essential for informing people about this project and helping them find 
additional materials through Google Book Search. Please do not remove it. 

+ Keep it legal Whatever your use, remember that you are responsible for ensuring that what you are doing is legal. Do not assume that just 
because we believe a book is in the public domain for users in the United States, that the work is also in the public domain for users in other 
countries. Whether a book is still in copyright varies from country to country, and we can't offer guidance on whether any specific use of 
any specific book is allowed. Please do not assume that a book's appearance in Google Book Search means it can be used in any manner 
anywhere in the world. Copyright infringement liabili^ can be quite severe. 

About Google Book Search 

Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers 
discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web 

at |http : //books . google . com/| 





The Arthxir and Elizabeth 


on the History of Women 

in America 















TIMBER, 1902 

Copyright 1 90 1 
By McClure Phillips k Co. 



Introductions . . . . 



VxALLS •••••< 

' 17 


Cards ...... 

• 45 


Dinners ...... 

. 70 


Table Manners . . . . 



Balls ...... 

. 118 


Weddings .... 

. 174 


Luncheons and Breakfasts 

• 239 


Theatre and Opera 

. 252 


Visiting and House Parties . 

. 263 


Receptions .... 

. 287 


MUSICALES . . . . . 

• 303 


Garden Parties . . . . 

. 308 


Funerals . . . . . 

- 319 


Christenings . . . . , 

• 343 


Bachelor Hospitalities . 

• 352 


Sport ...... 

' 359 


In Public . . . . , 

• 372 


Correspondence . . . , 

. 381 


Children . . . . . 

. 400 


Servants ...... 

• 413 


For the pictures showing floral decorations we are 
indebted to Charles Thorley; for the illustrations of 
men's liveries we acknowledge the courtesy of Brooks 
Brothers and the Cheltenham Press. The photographs 
of table arrangements and of the proper dress for 
maids in service were made especially for us and are 
here reproduced for the first time. . 


Church Decorated with Bridal Arches 

Dinner Table 

Plan of One Cover for Dinner Table 
Decorations for Church Wedding 

Decorations for House Wedding 

Luncheon Table . 

Indoor Liveries 

Outdoor Liveries . 

Dress for Maids in Service . 



. 84 

. 88 
. 196 
. aoo 
. 242 
. 418 
. 422 
. 426 

Chapter ONE 


Form of Introduction 

THE simplest method is always the best. 
Mrs. Edwardsy let me present Mr. Vincent j 
is a form properly used on almost any 
occasion. Let me make you acquainted 
withy is an awkward and now obsolete 
phrase. In introducing men to women, the woman's 
name is always spoken first and the gentleman pre- 
sented to the lady. Very frequently, where a man 
introduces one of his own sex to a woman, he uses the 
following as being somewhat more complimentary : 
Mrs. Edwards y Mr. Vincent desires to be presented to you. 
When asking permission of a lady to bring up and 
introduce a masculine stranger it is only necessary to 
say. Miss Browny may I present my friend Blanky he is 
very eager to know yoUy I hope you have no objections. 
On the lady's acquiesence the presentation would then 
be directly made in the simplest form. 

In making a stranger known to a group .of guests, a 
host or hostess, if the new-comer is a woman, would 
usually say, Mrs. Edwardsy let me present Miss Browny 
Miss Dora Browny Captain Blanky and Doctor Jones. 

2 Encyclopadia of Etiquette [Chapter 

But should it be necessary to perform this always rather 
awkward feat in behalf of a young woman or of a gen- 
tleman, the master or mistress of ceremonies may dis- 
pense with all superfluous wording and mentioning first 
the name of the stranger, specify the guesfs or fnends 
present by their proper titles and surnames — thus : 
Miss EdwardSy Mrs. JoneSy Mrs. Mason^ Mr. Mason. 

The mistake must never be made of leading a lady 
about a room full of guests and introducing her to as 
many persons as possible. A debutante or youthful 
member of society may be conducted across a drawing- 
room or ball-room, in order to be presented to a woman 
older than herself^ some stately dowager or distin- 
guished matron ; and when the introduction to be 
made is of a man to a woman, the man is always taken 
to the lady. 

Where there is a palpable diflference in the ages of 
two women the younger is introduced to the elder — 
Mrs. Browriy let me present Mrs. Jones. An unmarried 
woman is invariably presented to a matron, unless the 
spinster is very evidently much the older person. Two 
matrons between whose ages it would be invidious to 
draw a distinction may be formally introduced by a 
mode that holds the balance of deference due them 
quite even — Mrs. Thompson, this is Mrs. Brown ; Mrs. 
Brown, Mrs. Thompson. 

In making men known to one another, the distinc- 
tions are not so finely drawn. A young man pr a 
bachelor would naturally be presented to a white-haired 
and venerable gentleman, and a simple citizen to a 
senator, governor, or judge. Where age and dignities 
and titles play no part, it is sufficient to say, Mr. 
Brown, Mr. Jones. 

One] 3ftttrotiuctiottsf 3 

Special Introductions 

NOT infrequently it happens that a man or woman, 
for a special reason, desires, and manoeuvres, by 
previous requests on both sides, to bring strangers 
together through the medium <5f an introduction. In 
such a case, the introduction should be accompanied 
by an expression of gratification, as, for instance : // 
gives me great pleasure to present Mr. Brown to yoUy 
Mrs. Jones ; or. This is Mr. Brown^ Mrs. Jones ; it 
gives me great pleasure to present him to you. 

Now and then a hostess, when making introduc- 
tions, can establish an immediate and pleasant under- 
standing between her guests by letting fall some sen- 
tence that will give them a clue to one another's 
identity and interests, as, for example : Mrs. Brown, 
let me introduce Professor Staffordy who is just home, like 
your self y from a trip round the world ; or. Miss Cameron^ 
you must know Miss Fordyce^ who can tell you all about the 
art-student life of Paris y in which you are so interested. 

In introducing one's relations less formality is ob- 
served than in other cases. Thus : Mrs. Edwards^ I 
want my sister to know you ; Mother y this is Mr. Jones; 
Miss Hazeltony I dorCt think my father has yet had the 
pleasure of meeting you; or, Miss Hazeltony my brother 
asks me to present him, in hopes you have a dance to sparCy 
are all good modes of making presentations. 

Introduce Carefully 

IT is the rare man or woman who succeeds in mak- 
ing an introduction effectively. The common 
fault is to gabble or mumble names in careless haste 
or foolish embarrassment, thereby leaving the persons 

4 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

presented in total ignorance of each other's identity and 
robbing the ceremony of its usefulness and meaning. 
Deliberation and distinct enunciation are essential to 
the adequate performance of this very important social 
rite. It is no disgrace when the name of a guest 
escapes a host or hostess^ and in such case, it is proper 
to say quietly, Forgive me, but I cannot recall your name 
at this moment ; or, / am very stupid, and at this instant 
your name escapes me ; and then, having received the 
required information, to proceed with the introduction. 

Acknowledging an Introduction 

A WOMAN in her own house invariably extends 
her hand, when any one is presented to her, 
saying at the same time in a cordial tone, Mr. [or Mrs.^ 
Brown y I am very glad to meet you, or, How do you do. Miss 
Jones; it is a great pleasure to know you. In other cases it 
is usually sufficient for a woman to bow politely and 
repeat the name of the person presented. There are 
those, though, who follow the less recognized practice 
of bowing slightly and saying. How do you. Miss 
Brown, or Mr. Jones, or whatever the name may 
be. A young lady, unless she is playing the part of 
hostess, does not express in words any marked gratifi- 
cation when a gentleman is presented to her ; but a 
man of any age, on being presented to a lady, is re- 
quired to signify his pleasure by an amiable phrase, 
such as, / am very happy to meet you. Miss Brown. 

Shaking Hands 

SHE who always offers her hand upon accepting an 
introduction conveys thereby a sign of cordial 
welcome of the acquaintance, but in formally fashion- 

One] 3^nttotiuctton0 s 

able society none but hostesses pursue this course. The 
studied inclination of the head, a very fleeting smile, 
and a murmur of the name, constitute full recognition 
of an introduction, in the eyes of many who regard their 
bearing as the expression of the correctest form and 
who look upon an offer of hand-shaking as a mark of 
impulsive provincialism. In a rather crowded draw- 
ing-room where, for convenience sake, many introduc- 
tions are made rapidly, this ceremonious and methodi- 
cal mode is certainly to be commended; but at other 
times and seasons it leaves an unpleasant impression of 
extreme formality, and a woman, whose prerogative it is 
to take the initiative on this point, will not greatly err 
in almost unvaryingly offering her hand. 

Rising to Receive an Introduction 

A HOSTESS invariably rises to accept an introduc- 
tion to either a man or woman. A woman, while 
a suest at a ball, dinner, or afternoon tea, does not rise 
when a man is presented to her ; nor when she is one 
of a group to which a woman is introduced, unless it is 
one who is somewhat older than herself or a person of 
distinction, or unless she is seated beside her hostess, 
who, naturally, rises to greet a new-comer. In all 
other circumstances^ a woman rises to receive an intro- 
duction to one of her own sex. It is scarcely necessary 
to say that a man always stands when any introduction 
takes place in which he has part, whether the person to 
whom he is made known is man or woman, old or 

It is discreet and polite to give attention when a 
stranger is presented, in order to catch the name ; but on 
failing in this, a woman introduced to a person older 

6 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

than herself, has a right to ask, gently. Will you not 
tell me whom I have the pleasure of meetings for I was not 
clever enough to catch your name ? To a person nearer 
her own age she may say, with less ejaboration, Mrs. 
Brown called you Miss Jones y did she not ? The same 
rules apply as well to men. 

A guest is not at liberty to refuse recognition of an 
introduction made by the host or hostess, though the 
person presented should be an enemy of long standing. 
It must be presumed that the hostess is ignorant of the 
true situation, and it is, therefore, no injury to one's 
dignity to bow politely, as if meeting for the first time 
a total stranger ; and then any further intercourse can 
be tactfully avoided. 

When to Introduce 

A HOSTESS is entitled to make all and any intro- 
ductions she sees fit. Into some parts of 
America has crept the English custom of letting the 
roof answer as an introduction, so to speak ; for in 
fashionable London society a hostess takes it for 
granted that her guests understand that she would in- 
vite none but well-bred persons to her house, and 
that, therefore, they are safe in addressing strangers 
whom they encounter in her drawing-room. This is 
all very well in theory and under a lofty interpretation 
of the sacred trust of hospitality ; but Americans do 
not as yet take kindly to the custom, and a hostess who 
introduces gracefully and thoroughly will be far more 
appreciated and prove more successful in her enter- 
tainment than one in whose house presentations are 
dispensed with. 

One] S^tto'trntUom 7 

Introductions at a Dinner Party 

THE obligation of a hostess is to introduce all 
of her guests to each other at a small dinner 
party. At a large dining she must be sure to introduce 
those persons who are to go in together to table^ and 
she should make as many more presentations as she 
can contrive without disturbing her guests. She must 
not, however, introduce persons at the table ; and she 
should not obviously incommode herself to make intro- 
ductions. After dinner, when the women collect in 
the drawing-room, she can gracefully contrive to make 
known to each other those who have not previously 
met. As the men come in, after their cigars, she may 
present them to the ladies whom they did not meet 
before the meal. When entertaining a guest of honor 
or a distinguished person, it is well to present the 
special guest to every other sometime in the course of 
the evening. A hostess is not entitled, however, to 
interrupt a conversation in order to make introductions 
or to thrust an introduction upon a guest who is in the 
act of departing. 

On her day at home, a lady receiving introduces 
every newcomer to the guests who are near at hand. 
At a reception, she presents her guests as they arrive 
to whoever stands beside her to assist in receiving, but 
only under exceptional conditions does she leave her 
place to make guests known to each other. 

Introductions at Balls 

AT private balls, the hostess introduces her guests 
on their entrance to the debutante daughter, 
friend, or whoever receives beside her, and throughout 

8 Rncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

the evening, as opportunities offer, she makes as many 
introductions as possible. Chaperons present as 
many dancing-men to their protegees as chance casts 
in their way ; but at small dances, slight ceremony is 
observed among the young people ; the girls freely in- 
troduce their partners to their particular girl friends, 
and the young men present their comrades to their 
partners without asking permission to do so. The 
daughters of a house in which a dance is given, as well 
as their ihother, must not fail constanuy to observe 
their guests, in order to introduce possible partners to 
those who appear to have a limited acquaintance or 
who sit alone and neglected. At large balls and on 
any very formal occasion, before a gentleman is pre- 
sented to a lady by a gendeman, it is safest, and most 
flattering to the lady, to request her permission to 
make the introduction. Very punctilious persons 
nearly always follow this rule. 

At public and subscription balls, the guests do not 
expect to be introduced to the ladies of the reception 
committee as they enter, nor are these splendid figure- 
heads obligated to make any of the exertions imposed 
on hostesses in introducing guests to one another. At 
such balls a young woman must rely upon her chap- 
eron and escort and any friends to discover and present 
the dancing-men. 

Introductions in Public 

INTRODUCTIONS in public are made only as a 
matter of convenience, and rarely merit subsequent 
recognition. Should two women meet in the street, at 
the church door, or in a shop or theatre lobby, and one 
of them be accompanied by a friend who is a stranger 

One] 3fhtrotmcttong 9 

to the other, an introduction would not be timely or 
necessary, if only a momentary halt and exchange of civ- 
ilities was made. But should a prolonged conversation 
ensue, the strangers must then be formally introduced. 
On golf links or tennis courts, or in similar public or 
semi-public places, where people are brought tempo- 
rarily into an intimate group, for play or some similar 
purpose, the person of most authority and acquaintance 
with the others will wisely make the rapid and rather 
perfunctory introduction that consists in a mere men- 
tion of the names of the persons present. This is 
nothing more than a temporary expedient to relieve 
the occasion of any difficulty or formality. 

Indirect Introductions 

WHAT might be described as indirect, or 
hurried, introductions are often made when 
a careful ceremonious, or direct, introduction is not 
convenient or necessary. An indirect introduction is 
often necessary for the purpose of bringing two per- 
sons into conversation momentarily and to avoid any 
stiffness on an occasion. For example, a hostess in 
conversation with one person will turn to another near 
by and say, Mrs. Browtiy Mrs. Jones was just telling 
uSy etc. 

Such a semi-introduction is of service to a hostess 
in rendering conversation general, and in affording her 
opportunities for turning her attention in the direction 
of new arrivals. But for the strangers thus brought 
together it often creates a situation that they find not 
easy to deal with Thus, when a hostess breaks off 
a conversation in which she has endeavored to include 
two ladies previously unknown to each other, no little 

10 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

hesitation is often experienced as to whether the sub- 
ject should be continued or be allowed to drop. The 
latter is often found to be the easier course. Or 
perhaps a few desultory remarks are made, and then 
the two ladies separate. Then, at departing, should 
persons rather unceremoniously introduced offer to 
shake hands, or bow ; or should they take no notice 
of each other ? Which is the right thing to do ? Or, 
suppose some such indirect introduction has been 
made by a hostess after dinner, and the two ladies 
introduced have found congenial topics and continued 
their conversation, what should they do on taking 
leave ; and at a future meeting, should any recognition 
take place ? Ought they to speak, or merely to bow, 
or should they look as if they had not previously 
met ? Finally, when a gentleman has been indirectly 
introduced to a young girl, and has talked to her a 
little, and perhaps given her some tea, at the hostess's 
request, or has shown her any other trifling civility, 
should she bow to him on leaving, or when meeting 
him elsewhere? 

In answer to such natural doubts and queries, it is 
only necessary to say that a woman does not bow 
to a man of whose name she is ignorant and to whom 
she has not been carefully introduced. If on a first 
casual meeting, when no direct introduction was made, 
she has found him agreeable, she may, on some future 
occasion, ask that he be formally presented to her. 
Between women who have been slightly or formally 
introduced, if no conversation has taken place no duty 
arises to subsequently recognize each other; and the 
same rule holds good between men and between a man 
and a woman. If on the strength of a semi-introduc- 

One] 3lhttotntctton0 " 

tion, women in conversation develop a liking for each 
other or discover that they have a friendship in common, 
the elder or more important woman may, as they 
part, offer her hand, saying, // is a great pleasure 
to have met you; and thereafter they should bow 
and converse when meeting. The elder or the 
married woman has the right to take the initia- 
tive in subsequently recognizing the strength of 
the introduction. Women assume this privilege also 
with men ; but it is not necessary to do more than bow 
and murmur farewells when parting from a person 
introduced at a reception, a dance or a dinner with 
whom the guest has exchanged none but the most 
formal speeches, unless the person introduced was 
receiving with the hostess, or was her relative or a guest 
of honor. 

Letters of Introduction 

IT is scarcely polite or politic to ask for a letter of 
introduction ; a well-bred person of fine sensi- 
bilities will leave such a kindness entirely to the im- 
pulses of the friend who, it may be, is able, but for 
a variety of good reasons unwilling to give it. A 
letter of introduction should never be drawn, so to 
speak, on any but those relatives or friends who, its 
author is fully confident, will be amiable and inclined 
to honor it to its full value. And on the other hand, 
such a letter should never be given to any one whom 
the author is not ready to cordially vouch for and 
recommend. There are weak, good-natured people 
who, when boldly solicited by some tactless person for 
a card of introduction, dare not refuse to give it, and 
so are driven into the subterfuge of writing ahead to 

12 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

warn the person to whom the card is addressed to 
beware of its bearer. Ample excuses may be readily 
and truthfully given for refusing to accede to the request 
for a letter of mtroduction without wounding the pride 
of the person requesting it. When introducing a 
friend to a friend through the agency of a letter, it is 
always safest and best to write privately, in advance of 
the presentation of the letter, giving the person to 
whom it is addressed some notice of its coming, and 
also more intimately outlining the character, tastes and 
social position of its bearer than could possibly be done 
in the letter itself. This is especially wise when, for 
instance, the bearer of the letter is in mourning, or is 
in need of some special assistance, or is the victim of 
some peculiar prejudices or unhappy circumstances. 
Letters of introduction usually are in the form of brief 
notes or consist of a word or two written on a visiting 
card. There is a somewhat more delicate compliment 
implied in a few carefully worded sentences on a note 
sheet than in the visiting-card alone. A note of intro- 
duction does not gracefully cover more than a page and 
a half of medium-sized note paper, and should be con- 
fined strictly to the one office or naming and presenting 
the person in whose behalf it is written. In such a 
note news of domestic happenings and references to 
the health of the writer's family or the family of the per- 
son to whom the note is written are not in good taste. 

Models for Notes of Introduction 


June jrd^ /p — . 
My dear Mrs, Goodhue: 

It gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce to you my 

One] 9nttotiuction£( 13 

friend^ Mm WyUe^ of Boston jwho will he stopping /or a month with 
her mother y at the Cliff Hotels in your gay seaside town. I feel that 
I am conferring a benefit on you both in making you known to one 
another^ and any kindness you may show these agreeable ladies will 
be as deeply appreciated by me as by them* 

Pray remember me to your husband and daughters. With 
kindest regards ^ I am 

Sincerely yours^ 

Mary V. Bolton. 

Fremonty Ohio. 

February 2ndj ip — . 
My dear Mrs. Rutherford: 

I would think it most kind of you to show any civilities in 
your power to our friends^ Mr. and Mrs. ff^ainright^ who are 
going to New Orleans to test the charms of your Carnival Season 
and try the benefit of a complete change for Mrs. fVainrighfs 
health. She and her husband are prepared to thoroughly appreci- 
ate all the picturesque beauty of your hospitable city^ of which they 
have heard such enthusiastic accounts from our own family. With 
kindest regards from us ally 

I am sincerely yoursy 

Emma Blount. 

New Tbrky ip — . 

June jrd. 
Dear Maxwell : 

This will be presented by my friendy Edward Thorncy in 
whose behalf I bespeak some of the invaluable advice and assistance 
that I so appreciated and profited by on my first trip to London. 
Thorne hopes to do a little business, but more sight^seeingy in your 
great cityy and any civilities you may be able to show him will noty 
I assure youyfall on stony ground. 

Faithfully yoursy 

Franklin B. Hutton. 

14 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

A note of introduction must be placed in an envel- 
ope bearing the address of the person to whom the 
introduction is made, but left unsealed. 

A Card of Introduction 

AC ARD of introduction is merely the giver's visit- 
ing card with the name of the person whom it is 
to introduce written above the engraved name of the 
giver of the card — thus : 

Introducing Miss Helen R. Rollins 

Mrs. Henry B. Matthews 

46 West loth St, 

A card so prepared should be placed in a card 
envelope, but left unsealed, and addressed to the person 
to whom the introduction is to be made ; and it is well 
to inscribe in the lower left-hand corner of the envelope 
also. Introducing Miss Helen R. Rollins. 

One] Shttrotittcttottg 15 

How to Present a Note of Introduc- 

IT is rather difficult to present in person a note or 
card of introduction, tiiough men occasionally pre- 
fer to do so. It is done in this wise. In the afternoon 
or evening a call is made at the house of the person to 
whom the introduction is addressed, and the card or 
note, in its unsealed envelope, along with the bearer's 
own visiting card, is offered to the servant at the door. 
If the person for whom the card is intended is not at 
home, It is the safest to slip both cards into the one 
envelope, seal the envelope, and leave it with the 
servant. For a woman, however, the invariable custom 
is to stamp the envelope containing the introductory 
note or card, slip into it a card giving her name and 
address, and trust it to the post for safe delivery. 

The Reception of a Note of Introduc- 

WHEN the bearer of a note or card of intro- 
duction is a woman a call must be paid her 
promptly — that is, within forty-eight hours of the re- 
ception of the note or card. The call should then be 
followed by the offer of some hospitality. If it is im- 
possible to call, a note should be written acknowledging 
the receipt of the introduction ; and unless mourning, 
illness, or a speedy departure from home prevents, a 
very earnest effort to entertain the bearer of the 
introductory missive is requisite. A woman should 
follow this latter course m dealing with a note 
of introduction presented by a man. Unless infirm 

i6 Encyclop(Bdta of Etiquette 

from age or an invalid, she should most certainly honor 
first by a call, and then by an invitation an introduc- 
tion to a woman. And a man must first call upon 
and then entertain to the best of his ability a man in- 
troduced to him by letter. When a lady bears a letter 
of introduction to a gentleman, she posts it to him 
along with her card, and he responds by a call at the 
very earliest opportunity. If he is a bachelor, with no 
sisters or a mother who can entertain his new acquain- 
tance for him, many courtesies still lie in his power of 
bestowal. For to call merely and then believe that 
the whole duty of recognizing the introduction is 
done, or to wait a week before calling and then pre- 
sent some lame excuse for tardiness, is to prove one- 
self either painfully ignorant of, or reprehensibly in- 
different to, the laws of good breeding. 

Having called upon and entertained the person who 
comes with a letter of introduction, there remains no 
further obligation for self-sacrifice on the altar of duty 
and friendship. 

Persons, however, who cultivate all the nice 
points of social conduct do not fail, after the lapse of a 
few weeks following an acquaintance brought about by 
a note of introduction, to write a kindly note of 
acknowledgment and thanks to the person who made 
the presentation. 

chapter TfFO 


When to Pay Calls 

FORMAL calls, in the dty and during the 
season of winter gaiety, are paid between 
three and half-past five o'clock in the 
afternoon. Calls of ceremony are never 
exchanged between women in the morn- 
ing, in the evening, or on Sunday afternoon un- 
less business is to be transacted or an interview has 
been arranged by special appointment. It is permis- 
sible, however, to make a morning call for the purpose 
of investigating a servant's recommendation ; to ask a 
lady, though a stranger, to serve on a committee for 
charity work, or to inquire after a friend's health. Such 
calls are not reckoned in the social account. It is the 
rule, when calling upon a stranger, or an acquaintance 
whose name is not on one's visiting list, or on a friend 
with whom some matter of business is to be discussed, 
not to time the interview on the lady's afternoon at 
home, if she keeps one. 

It is also the rule not to prolong such calls unduly ; 
that is, beyond the time it requires to state the mission 
of the call and settle the business involved, unless, of 
course, the person called upon chooses to do so. 

The day at home is a purely social occasion, and 

1 8 Encyclopaedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

calls, to congratulate, to show appreciation of some 
hospitality, or for the pleasure of friendly intercourse, 
are paid then, if possible. It is always more consid- 
erate and complimentary to observe a friend's day at 
home, if she has issued cards appointing one, than to 
pay her chance calls on other days. Such are the rules 
for fashionable society in large cities. In towns, at 
watering-places, and in country neighborhoods, morn- 
ing and evening calls and calls after church or in the 
afternoon on Sunday, are frequently the local custom. 
In these places a call lasts very much longer than in 
the busy city. Every woman, on settling in a neigh- 
borhood or town, for a season or longer, should be at 
pains to find out the calling hours established by the 
social leaders of the locality and conform to them, 
both in receiving and paying visits, whatever her per- 
sonal preferences may be. 

When Men Call 

THE American man, because of the exactions of 
his business, is allowed to utilize the evenings 
and Sunday afternoons for paying his social calls. In 
fashionable society in the large cities a gentleman may 
present himself at a lady's door after half-past eight or 
even as late as nine o'clock in the evening. In society 
which keeps earlier hours than are kept in New York, 
say, or Boston, a caller may arrive at eight, or even so 
early as half-past seven in the evening. Sunday after- 
noon calls begin at three o'clock. The specification, 
however, of these times and seasons does not preclude 
a young man or a married one, for that matter, from 
paying his call on a lady's day at home. In the 
country men are privileged to call in the morning. 

Two] Callg ^ 

Who Pays the First Call 

BRIDES and strangers newly arrived in a neighbor- 
hood never make, but wait to receive first calls. 
Women who have been invited to visit, or during the 
summer season have been entertained, in a friend's 
house in the country, must be among the first, directly 
their hostess returns to town, to call upon her. When 
there exists no previous indebtedness on either side, and, 
after a summer's holiday, two women arrive in their 
houses on very nearly the same date, the younger 
usually calls upon the elder first. Where the differ- 
ences in their ages is very slight, the one who returns 
to town first makes the initial call or the unmarried 
calls first on the married woman. Should a member of 
society be in arrears for hospitality or an invitation re- 
ceived in the foregoing winter season, she pays the 
initial visit at the commencement of a new season, 
without reference to the age of her friend or the date of 
her friend's return to the city. Two women meeting 
at a watering-place, or in town at the house of a com- 
mon friend, may exchange cards, and not infrequently 
the question arises as to who shall call first on the 
other. An unmarried woman would call first on a 
matron, or a younger woman pays this compliment to 
one decidedly older than herself, whether both are 
matrons or single; otherwise the matter is decided by 
opportunity or inclination. 

These last are delicate points, the ruling on which is 
given to aid those in doubt and anxious to follow the 
formal and very correct usage. Ordinarily, even in 
the most stately and fashionable society, when the win- 
ter season begins, first calls are received by those who 

20 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

issue their at-home cards first. The routine of calling 
begins without strict reference to courtesies extended 
or received in the foregoing winter. 

Country Calls 

A CUSTOM, more or less strictly observed, at 
watering-places and in country neighbor- 
hoods, is for those settled earliest in their summer 
cottages to call first on the later arrivals, and for 
the migratory cottagers to receive first calls from 
the all -t he-year-round residents. Cottagers, in turn, 
make the preliminary call of welcome on their 
friends who put up at near-by hotels. In large cities 
it is not the custom for established residents of a street 
to call upon strangers newly located in their block, and 
in New York, Boston, and Chicago families live for 
years without courting or desiring the acquaintance of 
their next-door neighbors. In small towns and coun- 
try districts, just the opposite is the rule, and strang- 
ers expect to be formally and gracefully welcomed 
into the society of the neighborhood by the first calls 
of the leading matrons and their families. These calls 
should not be too long delayed, but be made so soon 
as the strangers have settled in their new home, at 
whatever calling hour is the fashion in that town or lo- 
cality. To wait six months or a year before calling on 
new neighbors is scarcely a compliment, unless illness 
or bereavement can be oflFered as an excuse. 

Obligatory Calls 

IT is not only a civility, but a social necessity, when 
one has served as a bridesmaid, maid of honor, 
usher, or best man, to call upon the bride's mother 

Two] Calls 


shortly after the wedding, and upon the bride directly 
after she returns from her honeymoon. The guests at 
a home wedding, wedding reception or breakfast must 
call in due course on the mother of the bride, and later 
on the bride. It is an obligation to call on one's host- 
ess after a dinner, a breakfast, a musicale, or a luncheon. 
But for men as well as women the dinner call is 
of paramount importance. It is paid within a fort- 
night after the dinner, and whether the invitation was 
accepted or not. When a dinner or ball invitation is 
declined and no call is made afterwards, a hostess has 
every reason to feel deeply offended, and to accept the 
slight as a sign that her friendship and hospitality are 
not desired. Only very ignorant or ill-bred persons 
pursue such a course with a view to dropping an un- 
desirable acquaintance. If one wishes to drop an ac- 
quaintance, one should carefully pay the required call, 
and then let the interchange of visits cease. A hostess 
who is heedful of all nice social observances will take 
pains to call upon a new acquaintance before offering her 
any hospitality ;and she will also be careful to call or leave 
cards on a woman not of her acquaintance to whom she 
has been asked to give an invitation, particularly if the 
stranger is the guest or a relative of a good friend. 
However, both of these obligations are reversed where 
the would-be hostess is a much older woman than the 
lady she invites to her house, and under such condi- 
tions the call is not obligatory. 

A man or woman invited through the influence of 
a fnend to a private entertainment is obliged to call 
upon the hostess of the occasion after the entertain- 
ment, whether the invitation was accepted or not. 
When a man has served as a pall-bearer, he is required 

22 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

to call on the bereaved family within ten days or three 
weeks after the funeral, though this call is rarely more 
than the leaving of a card, along with a kindly inquiry. 

Returning Calls 

FIRST calls in the season are returned by a careful and 
diplomatic woman very promptly— on the next 
reception day of the person who has made the call, if 
she has a reception day ; and if she has none, then 
at any propitious time within a week or fortnight. 
After this polite exchange of civilities, a longer period 
between visits may be allowed to elapse, though it is 
never kind or courteous to wait from six weeks to two 
months before returning a call, especially the first in a 
season, from an acquaintance. Calls exchanged once 
in twelve months mdicate, in fashionable society, the 
continuance of a purely formal acquaintance. A call 
must be answered by a call, not by leaving a card at an 
acquaintance's door. 

Calls of condolence, of sympathy, of inquiry and 
congratulations are usually answered by sending cards 
as directed in the following chapter. When, at the 
request of a friend or relative, a hostess extends the 
hospitality of her home to a feminine stranger, she is 
not obligated to return the call which the stranger 
naturally pays her after the entertainment. She may 
return it, however; and a woman invited through 
the good offices of a friend to an entertainment given 
at the house of a stranger can easily discover if the 
hostess of the occasion desires her further acquaintance 
by the simple expedient of waiting to see if her duty 
call is returned. A man after paying the duty call to 
one who has entertained him at the request of an- 

Two] Calls 


other must not call again unless asked to do so, or 
unless his hostess, of her own notion, extends further 
hospitality to him. 

An Invalid's Calls 

A MEMBER of society who is ill through the 
season, may return the calls of her friends by 
proxy. A sister or a daughter may be delegated to 
tulfil this duty. A daughter would call on all of her 
mother's friends, introducing herself to matrons whose 
acquaintance she has not made before and briefly ex- 
plaining in whose stead she appears. 

Calling with a Friend 

IN the matter of returning calls perplexing questions 
not infrequently arise, in this wise : A lady, in 
returning a call, is accompanied by a friend with whom 
she is driving and the two go in together; not that 
they both intend to pay a call, only the one, and this 
one introduces her fnend. Now whether the appear- 
ance of this person introduced should be regarded and 
treated as a formal call or not is a question that is 
rather apt to trouble the recipient of^it. The best 
inference seems to be that it is not a call, but a chance 
introduction only, made as a matter of convenience. 

Another difficulty with regard to calling is the doubt 
as to whether, when returning a call, it is allowable, or 
even advisable, to be accompanied by a relative or friend 
who may happen to be paying the caller a short visit. 
On this point, however, no uncertainty need exist ; a 
relative may, unquestionably, accompany the caller and 
be introduced to the lady called upon as a matter of 
course. But in case the lady called upon is announced 

24 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

as not at home, and cards are left, the name of the 
accompanying person should not appear on the cards, 
for, strictly speaking, the call is in no wise from her. 

A man must not take another man to call upon 
ladies of his, but not of his friend's acquaintance, 
without first asking and receiving permission to do so, 
except in the case of ladies whom he has known long and 
rather intimately. A young gentleman who is desirous of 
the privilege or calling upon a young lady is permitted 
to seek the good offices of some common friend to 
secure for him this permission and introduce him to 
the lady's house. When the lady has consented to 
receive him, he is not entitled to make his first call 
alone, but must be accompanied by the man or woman 
who has secured for him the privilege. But after 
that, he is entitled to call alone. 

Perplexing Points in Calling 

ONLY by persons who are removing to a new 
place of residence or departing for an absence 
that is to endure for a year or more are calls paid to 
bid farewell ; and then usually only one's nearest and 
most intimate friends are so honored. Ordinarily one 
going on a journey merely leaves for, or posts to, her 
or his visiting acquaintances P. p. c. cards. When a 
woman receives a call from one of her own sex whose 
friendship she does not care to cultivate, etiquette 
demands a very prompt leaving of cards in return, or 
a return of the call within three days ; and thereafter 
cards can be left at long intervals until the connection 
is dropped by common consent. 

It not infrequently happens that a lady on driving 
to a house to call, finds her friend's carriage at the 

two] Calls 


door ; but she should still proceed with her call, and 
not beat a retreat, postponing the call until another 
day. She will, doubtless, be informed that her friend 
is at home, but is going out driving at once ; in that 
case, cards should be left as if noi at home had 
been the reply. To put off calling to a future day 
delays the call due and nothing is gained by the post- 
ponement. On the other hand it often happens in the 
country, that a lady on calling bent meets out driving 
the friend toward whose house she is going. When 
this is so the intended call should not be paid. 

Am I privileged to call on my friend while she is 
visiting in the house of one with whom I have no 
acquaintance, or with whom I have severed all pleasant 
connections ? This is a question that comes to every 
man and woman in time, and requires a satisfactory 
answer. It is eminently proper to call on a friend 
without knowing her hostess, but the caller must ask 
to see, and leave a card for the mistress of the 
house. If acquaintance is claimed with the hostess as 
well as the visitor, the caller should ask to see both. 
But it is never permitted to call upon a visitor in a 
family with which the caller is at enmity. 

When a member of society announces the presence 
of a woman guest in her house, it is required of her 
friends, both men and women, to call as promptly as 
possible upon the guest and before offering her any 

Inviting an Acquaintance to Call 

THE elder or the married woman usually assumes 
the initiative in inviting a younger or an un- 
married woman to exchange cards and calls with her. 

26 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

On the first meeting, or even after a very indirect 
introduction, a feminine member of society can, with 
grace and sincerity, say to the lady whose conversation 
or companionship inspires her liking, // would give 
me great pleasure y Miss (or Mrs.) Blank, to see you on 
my afternoon at home; or, / hope you will let me send 
you my cards ; I am at home on Fridays ; or. May I 
not ask for your card and send you mine. Miss Brown; it 
will be such a pleasure to meet you again. 

Instinctively a young or single woman awaits this 
advance from a senior or matron. Where there is no 
distinction to be made on the score of years, etc., a 
mutual liking prompts the advance without careful 
consideration on either side. The person invited to 
call responds cordially and tends her card immediately 
or promises to call and posts or leaves later her own 
scrap of engraved bristol board. 

While so little ceremony exists between women in 
making up their calling lists, between men and women 
more elaborate formalities are rightly observed. Since 
there is a rule for nearly every ceremony in polite society 
— z, rule with exceptions, of course — it is as well to first 
give the regulations established by Mrs. Grundy on this 
point, and later note the various deflections from it. 

In fashionable society, a single woman, until she 
has had several years of social experience, does not 
invite young men to call upon her. A debutante may 
expect that her mother or chaperon will ask those gen- 
tlemen who offer her attentions to call ; and in doing 
so, will specify both the days and hours when she and 
her daughter, or charge, are to be found at home. In 
certain sections of the United States a woman arro- 
gates to herself the right to invite gentlemen to call 

Two] Calls 


upon her, while in other localities it is the polite cus- 
tom for a gentleman first to ask this privilege and for 
a lady to grant it. Both methods possess about equal 
advantages and disadvantages, and the respective merits 
or demerits need not be argued here. 

It suffices to sav that when a young lady enters 
the society of one of our great cities and to balls, etc., 
she is accompanied by her mother. On this chaperon 
she should rely for a clever and tasteful choice of her 
masculine friends. Having passed her twenty-fifth 
year she should depend upon her own experience and 
good judgment to guide her in her choice of acquain- 
tances of the opposite sex, and frankly offer or grant 
them the hospitalities of her parents' home. 

No small amount of good sense is necessary in 
order that a young woman may make very sure before- 
hand that the privilege of calling upon her is really 
desired. It is hardly wise to ask a man on a casual first 
meeting to call ; and when an invitation has been ex- 
tended and the recipient shows as time goes on no incli- 
nation to profit by the permission, a dignified woman 
could scarcely so far forget herself as to repeat her civility. 

In that society which does not represent extremes 
of wealth and fashion the gay, amiable but none the 
less discreet and delicate-minded young girls claim the 
right, from the moment of their debuts, to choose their 
own men friends. The American mother, well aware 
of the independence as well as clear good sense of her 
daughter, gladly resigns to her this privilege. There 
is, however, an unwritten law, in the code tollowed by 
this genuine American girl, against asking a man to 
call on first meeting, unless he is a friend or relative of 
a good friend of her own and formally introduced, or 

28 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

unless he proves an agreeable and gentlemanly per- 
son, well known in her own circle of friends, and be- 
trays very clearly his desire to enroll his name on 
the list of her admirers. 

On asking a gentleman to call, it is all-sufficient to 
say, / hope you will come and see me, Mr. Blank ; my 
mother and I are at home on Tuesday afternoons y or, / 
should be very glad to see you at my home, Mr. Blank ; 
we are usually at home in the evenings. 

A matron who entertains her own and her hus- 
band's men friends must not expect that married men, 
absorbed in business and with little leisure to attend 
to social details, will call upon her after every dinner 
or supper enjoyed under her roof. She must needs 
consider it all-sufficient if their cards are carefully left 
by their wives ; but from her bachelor guests regular 
duty calls are no more than her due. 

If a man receives at a lady's door, several times in 
succession, the announcement Not at homey he is 
apt, very reasonably, to cherish a suspicion that his 
presence is not wanted. Under such circumstances, if 
the continuance of his friendship is desired, it is kind- 
est and wisest to give him reassurance by extending 
some hospitality. Where the unfortunate necessity 
arises for intimating to a man that even his calling ac- 
quaintance is not desired, it is all-sufficient for the 
servant to beg at the door that her mistress be excused. 
The dullest man should understand what is meant. 

Women's Business Calls 

A WOMAN never calls upon a man socially. A 
business errand is the only occasion for a call 
from a woman to a man ; and in such a case the lady. 

Two] Calls 


if possible, sees the clergyman, editor, lawyer, physician, 
merchant, at his office and during his office hours. 
Whether she calls by appointment or otherwise, she 
sends in her name, but not her visiting card. She should 
state her errand as briefly as possible, and should remem- 
ber that in their offices men do not, as a rule, care to dis- 
cuss social or domestic topics. A woman, when she is 
obliged to call upon a man at his house and does not 
enjoy any acquaintance with his family, should be 
accompanied by a male relative or by a woman older 
than herself; and she should send up her name, and 
make her call quite short. It is absolutely essential for 
her to be chaperoned, if she is obliged to call at a 
bachelor apartment or at a studio ; and under no cir- 
cumstances can a wife call upon even her husband at 
his club. 

When a woman has been entertained by a bachelor 
in his apartments, she may drive to his door and send 
up her card, adding that of the person who is attending 
her as chaperon, if she wishes to be most punctilious. 
A young lady, as a rule, receives her men callers with- 
out the chaperonage of her mother. A mother, how- 
ever, is an indiffisrent companion and guardian for her 
young daughter, if she does not occasionally go into the 
drawing-room and make some acquaintance with the 
young men who have the entri of her house. 

Calls of Condolence and Congratu- 

GALLS of condolence and congratulation are made 
without reference to the regular social account 
of visits paid and received. When a death is an- 

30 Encyclop(Bdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

nounced all friends and visiting acquaintances of the 
bereaved family call immediately to leave their cards, 
with expressions of sympathy as directed in the para- 
graph on " When to Leave Cards" (see page 6;^). With- 
m from ten days to three weeks after the funeral a call 
of condolence is required. If there ismore than one 
lady in the family the caller may ask to see only the 
one member with whom special friendship is claimed, 
or may ask, generally, to see the ladies. The 
person or persons called upon, when their grief is 
still poignant, may leave a courteous message with 
the servant at the door begging to be excused. The 
formal call of condolence, however, is gradually going 
out of practice. Persons in affliction prefer, as a rule, 
to see only their near friends ; and, on the other 
hand, it is found much easier for those who hold the 
relation of mere visiting acquaintances to send a 
simple note of sympathy and personally leave their 
cards, the cards being left, in that case, both before 
and after the funeral. When a visit of condolence is 
paid, it is best to make no reference to the bereave- 
ment that occasions the visit, unless the caller is gifted 
with rare tact, or unless the others themselves mtro- 
duce the subject. To say on greeting the afflicted 
friend, / trust you do not think me intrusive, but I 
could not refrain from assuring you in person of my 
sincerest sympathy, is a sufficient allusion to the 
motive of the visit. If a quiet Thank you, I appre- 
ciate your kindly thought of me, is the response and 
no further reference is made to the caller's real mis- 
sion, there then remains no need for an effort at fur- 
ther consolation. It is just as well some times for a 
caller, who finds the bereaved friends unwilling to re- 

Two] Calls 


vert to their loss and grief, to avoid all but cheering 
topics of conversation until the moment of departure 
arrives. Then, with a warm hand-clasp, it is adequate 
to say, / am so glad to have seen you and in such good 
spirits. My mother begs to be remembered with warmest 

Persons in affliction should not receive calls of con- 
dolence unless they are sure of their power to main- 
tain composure. No obligation rests upon them to 
refer directly to the loss they have sustained, and it is 
both inconsiderate and undignified to receive condoling 
visitors, unless near and dear friends, with streaming 
eyes and harrowing allusions to the last illness and 

Calls of congratulation are now warranted only by 
intimacy or a friendship of long standing. They are 
paid to an unmarried woman by both her women and 
men friends when her engagement to marry is made 
public, and to a married woman by her women friends 
when the birth of a child is announced. 

Calls of Inquiry 

A CALL to inquire is nothing more than a form 
of card-leaving. A sympathetic message, per- 
haps a bouquet of flowers, and the visitor's card are 
left with the servant at the door of a house where, for 
example, there is illness ; or where a great financial loss, 
or an injury by fire, has been sustained; or even where 
disgrace has fallen on innocent persons. Such calls, in 
these and similar misfortunes, are very necessary, and 
indicate sincere sympathy and a desire to show a con- 
tinuance of friendly feeling ; and they are as obligatory 
on men as on women. 

32 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

The Day at Home 

THE day at home, in large cities, during the win- 
ter season, and nowadays, at the fashionable 
summer resorts, is an established and admirable social 
institution, contributing to the convenience and plea- 
sure of every one concerned. One afternoon in every 
week or fortnight, usually from the first of November 
until the beginning of Lent or the first of June, is set 
aside by women who have a large circle of friends and 
entertain frequently. The day chosen should be en- 
graved on the visiting card ; and from three until six 
or seven o'clock of the afternoon of that day the lady 
must devote her time and energies to entertaining, with 
conversation and slight refreshment, all those who call 
in courteous acknowledgment of some hospitality re- 
ceived or oflFered, or who wish to enjoy the pleasure of 
her society. 

A matron who has lived a long time in the same 
house, whether in town or country, and has kept the 
same day at home, season after season, does not, as a 
rule, need to post cards to all her friends when she be- 
gins her summer or winter seasons in society. But if 
she changes her day at home, or her address, or decides 
to be regularly at home on days during one month 
only, or only at intervals through the season, then cards 
to notify her friends of the fact must be prepared and 
posted as directed in the chapter on Card Etiquette. 

When a day is specially appointed for receiving, the 
hostess should let nothing short of illness or important 
business keep her from being in readiness to greet all 
who pay her the compliment of presenting themselves 
at her door. On all other days her servant may turn 

Two] Calls 


away callers with the message that the mistress of the 
house is not at home, but to those who appear on the 
day she has herself set for their coming a good and 
sufficient excuse must be offered if she is absent. 

Preparations for Receiving 

THE afternoon at home is a very simple fiinction. 
By three o'clock, the mistress of the occasion, 
in a becoming and ornamental afternoon toilet, is in her 
drawing-room ready to greet whoever comes. A 
butler, maid, or page boy stands ready to answer the 
door bell. To the visitors, soon after they arrive, af- 
ternoon tea is served. 

If a butler attends the door he wears his full even- 
ing livery. A well-drilled man servant, on answering 
the bell, leads the way to the drawing-room, at the door 
of which he respectfully asks the caller's name; and then, 
drawing back the portiere and standing aside, he an- 
nounces the name at the moment the visitor enters. 
On the departure of visitors, he stands ready in the 
hallway to open the street door, to assist gentlemen 
into their coats, and, in event of bad weather, to hand 
ladies to their carriages under the shelter of an um- 
brella. Sometimes the servant on duty offers the 
visitor a small silver tray, on which to deposit his or 
her cards, or a large tray is set conspicuously in the 
hall and into these the cards can be cast as the caller 
passes toward the drawing-room. 

If a maid-servant attends the door, she wears a 
dark, preferably a black, gown of simple design, white 
turn-over cuffs and collar, a white cap, and a delicate 
and immaculate white apron. She does not announce 
visitors. She opens the street door, holds back the 

34 Encyclopdedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

drawing-room portiere, and offers a small silver tray 
for the visitor's card. 

A page boy wears black livery piped in red or yel- 
low, or a suit of bottle green, navy blue, or brown 
cloth. His trousers are long — to the foot, with or 
without a piping of color on the outside seam of the 
legs ; his coat is cut short on the hips, in a small point 
at back and front, and fastens up to the chin with many 
bullet-shaped brass or silver buttons. A bit of white 
linen shows above his standing coat-collar and below 
his buttoned cuffs, and his hands must be clad in 
white gloves. He, like the maid, does not announce 
visitors ; but simply conducts them to the drawing- 
room door and receives their cards. 

Duties of the Hostess on an Afternoon 

at Home 

TH E first duty of the hostess is to rise and step 
forward and shake hands with every one who 
enters her reception-room. When two guests arrive 
simultaneously, or one almost directly after the other, 
she devotes her conversation to them equally until 
some one else enters to claim her attention. She 
should remain throughout the afternoon in sight of the 
door; not standing, as at a reception; but always ready 
to go quickly forward and extend her greeting. How 
do you doy Mr. Blanks or Mrs. Brown^ I am de- 
lighted to see yoUy spoken in a cordial tone and ac- 
companied by a firm pressure of the hand, is an ap- 
propriate expression of welcome. 

General mtroductions are made by the hostess on 
her day at home, unless her rooms are very full and 

Two] Calls 


many callers have strayed from her immediate vicinity. 
Ordinarily, not more than half a dozen guests are at 
once in the drawing-room, and as these are apt to re- 
main seated near the hostess, she easily introduces any 
new-comer who requires introduction. Should a 
caller fail to fall easily into the general current of con- 
versation, it is her duty, either by talking to this visi- 
tor directly, or by some indirect word of encourage- 
ment, suggestion, or diversion, to relieve the situa- 

Bidding Guests Adieu 

AS a rule, the lady who receives does not accom- 
pany any guest so far even as to her drawing- 
room door, at least not so long as other callers remam 
and when she is receiving alone. The rule may be 
disregarded when a visitor very distinguished, or one 
who is infirm, rises to go ; but under ordinary circum- 
stances, the hostess, mindful of the guests who remain, 
simply rises when one is about to depart, and 
cordially giving her hand, says. Good afternoon^ 
MisrS Blank ; it has been a great pleasure to see you^ 
or Good byey Mrs. Blank; I shall hope to see you 
soon agaWy or similar words of farewell. She continues 
to stand a moment until the caller, especially if a 
woman, turns to pass out of the room. When, how- 
ever, no other callers are present, and the one depart- 
ing is a woman and a good friend, the hostess is privi- 
leged to accompany her even to the street door, if she 
wishes to do so. But at no time during an afternoon 
at home, when there are several persons in the draw- 
ing-room, has the hostess the right to devote any ex- 
clusive attention to any one friend, and especially to 

36 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

draw a visitor aside and conversing in an undertone or 
whisper, discuss personal or private affairs. 

Serving Tea 

THOUGH not actually obligatory, it is the cus- 
tom to serve slight refreshment on the day at 
home, and tea is the accepted refection, in place of 
cake and wine. The tea is either poured at a small 
table in the drawing-room presided over by the host- 
ess herself, her daughter, or a friend, or else it is 
brought in from the dining-room and handed about by 
a maid. Freshly made cups of tea, or in winter, 
small cups of hot chocolate — with light fancy cake, 
sandwiches, and bonbons are all it is necessary to pro- 
vide ; and while it is polite to offer a caller a second 
cup of tea it is the worst possible taste to press food 
and drink on one who has once refused. 

A hostess does not offer to relieve a man caller of 
hat or stick when he prefers to carry them into the 
drawing-room. To a woman she is privileged to sug- 
gest, if^the rooms are warm, that her coat be opened 
or a heavy fur thrown off. 

Treatment of Chance Visitors 

WHEN no day for receiving is appointed and 
carefully observed, a caller, once admitted, 
must not be kept waiting while the mistress of the 
house, or her daughter, slowly makes an elaborate 
toilet, or stops to finish a letter, a conversation, or a 
piece of sewing. 

If it is inconvenient or impossible to receive a 
caller, the servant may be instructed to say the mistress 
begs to be excused. It is not polite to send word by a 

Two] Calls 


servant, asking to be excused from receiving a friend, 
unless some good reason is assigned. Mrs. Blank 
has just received the news of her brother* s severe ill- 
ness and begs you will kindly excuse ber^ Mrs. 
Blank is suffering from a severe coldy and begs to be 
excused^ and Mrs. Blank is leaving in five minutes 
for Washington and begs to be excused^ are all proper 
forms, and in each instance the reason given is 
ample for asking to be excused. Again, if it is incon- 
venient or impossible to receive a chance caller, the 
servant may be directed to answer at the door any 
requests to see her mistress with the statement that she 
is not at home. This course is followed when the per- 
son called upon does not wish to state her reasons for 
refusing to receive callers, and it by no means need be 
regarded as an evasion of the truth. The phrase not 
at home implies that the lady called upon is not at 
home to callers, whether her actual absence from the 
house, or some more important occupation than that of 
receiving, prevents her appearance. 

The Host on the Day at Home 

THOUGH the average man professes to be too 
shy or too busy to appear in his wife's drawing- 
room on her day at home, there is no reason why he 
should not do so. If a son, brother, or husband 
chooses, he may give graceful, and gratefully received, 
assistance on the day at home, whether he comes in 
only late from his office or elects to spend the entire 
afternoon there. His duty in such case is in a measure 
to share the honors and obligations of the occasion. 
He can expect his wife, sister or mother, as the case 
may be, to introduce to him any of the visitors whom 

38 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

he does not know; he should assist in enter- 
taining the guests, pass the cups, make introductions 
himself, and when a guest rises to leave, he should rise 
too and offer his hand in farewell. As a rule, the host 
accompanies the departing guest as far as the door, 
and the last guests, especially if they are women, as far 
as the street door, opening it for them himself. 

How to Pay a Call 

A WOMAN does not take off her veil, gloves or 
lighter wrap when calling. In the event of bad 
weather, the umbrella, overshoes and storm coat are to 
be left in the hall. A man never wears his overcoat into 
a lady's drawing-room ; along with overshoes and um- 
brella, it is left in the hall ; and at present it is the rare 
man who carries his cane or hat into the drawing-room 
with him. A very punctilious man accounts it the better 
form to carry in his hat and cane when making a first 
formal call, because to leave them behind implies a 
familiarity with the house and hostess that he dares not 
claim ; but most men, caring more for convenience and 
comfort than for fine shades of meaning conveyed in 
the bearing, enter the drawing-room without hat or 
cane and invariably with the right hand stripped of the 
glove. Should a caller insist, however, on clinging to 
these belongings — either for mere formality's sake or 
even siniply to insure their safety — he must carry them 
in his left hand and hold them throughout his call, or 
he may place his hat on the floor beside him, but he 
must be strictly mindful that it gets into nobody's 

A shy caller or one who sees only strangers in a 
drawing-room will procede most wisely and gracefully 

Two] CaUg 39 

to accept a seat indicated by the hostess or a seat in her 
vicinity, and depend upon her leadership to secure a 
place in the conversation. When the hostess is claimed 
by new arrivals before she has had time to make intro- 
ductions, the caller who is left alone may accept any 
friendly advances made by persons sitting near. And 
such advances do not bind either party to future 

On the ceremonious aay at home women callers do 
not kiss in greeting. Nor do they remove their gloves 
when taking tea. If any of the refreshments offered 
cannot be handled without unpleasant consequences to 
the gloves, such refreshments may be unobtrusively 

A man calling in company with ladies, even if they 
are his near relatives, waits for them to give the signal 
of departure. When the woman rises, signifying her 
readiness to leave, he must also rise at once, with an 
apology to any one with whom he is in conversation at 
the moment. He makes his farewells to the hostess 
after his companion has made hers and follows her 
from the room. 

Giving One's Name 

WHEN the servant at the drawing-room door asks 
JVbat name, sir ? (or madame) the proper reply 
is not Smith or Mary Brown; but Mr. Smith and 
Miss Brown, or Mr. John Smith and Miss Mary 


On entering the drawng-room, a caller wnether 
man or woman advances at once to meet the hostess, 
accept her proffered hand, and acknowledge any intro- 
ductions sne may make. The acknowledgment of 

40 EncycIop{edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

introductions is by a bow and a slight smile if the 
visitor is a woman and if there are but two or three 
persons introduced and if any of them are relatives of 
the hostess the visitor should offer her hand. 

A visiting card is never carried in and handed to 
the hostess. If, by chance, the caller is a stranger to 
her, but a friend of her son or daughter, or of a guest 
stopping in her house ; or is a young lady paying calls 
for her invalid mother; there should be some brief and 
simple form of self-introduction, as : I am a substi- 
tute at present y Mrs. Blanky for my mother y Mrs. Gor- 
don y who is prevented by her accident from paying any calls 
this season ; or. May I present myself Mrs. Blank — Ed- 
ward Campell. Miss Blacky who is stopping with yoUy 
has been good enough to give me permission to calL 

Taking Leave of the Hostess 

ON rising to depart, a caller must take pains to 
formally bid adieu to the lady who is receiving. 
It i^ not in good taste to make prolonged farewells and 
keep a hostess standing and distracted when there are 
others who have a claim on her time and attention. If 
she herself chooses to stand a moment making an in- 
quiry or offering an invitation, that is her pnvilege ; 
but even the response should be brief, though, of 
course, cordial, and the departure taken as soon as possi- 
ble. No well-bred man or woman attempts to back 
out of a drawing-room. With a bow and a civil 
good-afternoon to the guests near the hostess, he turns 
and walks straight away. 

It is the duty of a man, when calling, to relieve 
women of their empty tea-cups and to carry refresh- 
ments to those at a distance from the tea-table. He 

Two] Calls 


must rise from his chair when a woman caller enters, 
when his hostess leaves her seat, when a woman caller 
rises to make her adieu, and of course, when anyone is 
introduced to him. When he rises, he stands beside 
or behind — not before — his chair, and he continues to 
stand as long as the lady on whose account he has 
risen is herself standing. 

Making Chance Calls 

WHEN a woman makes an afternoon call on one 
who keeps no day at home, or on another 
day than the one appointed for receiving calls, she 
makes at the door some such inquiry as : Are the 
ladies at home? or, Is Mrs. Blank at home? Re- 
ceiving a reply in the negative, she leaves the re- 
quisite number of cards, and with or without some such 
regretful message as. Pray tell Mrs. Blank I am very 
sorry not to find her in^ takes her departure. There 
is no warrant for such a familiarity as questioning the 
servant as to her mistress's whereabouts and the like, 
unless business or a most important errand is the 
occasion of the call. 

Calling in the Evening 

WHEN a man calls of a Sunday afternoon or of 
an evening, he asks to see " the ladies," if his 
call is in return for a hospitality extended to him in the 
name of the mistress of the house, as it usually is on 
his first calls. He also asks particularly to see the 
ladies when the mother of the young lady of the 
house has herself asked him to call. Otherwise, he 
may very properly ask to see the young ladies, or the 
particular lady for whom his visit is especially intended. 

42 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

If the servant is doubtful of the lady's where- 
abouts, or of her readiness to receive, the caller 
should step into the drawing-room and wait for an 
answer, retaining his overcoat and gloves ; if the ser- 
vant's reply is favorable, he must then divest himself 
of these garments, putting them in the hall, and await 
the lady's arrival. When she enters, he goes forward 
a space to meet her, and stands until she has seated 
herself. He will not venture to place himself upon a 
sofa beside her without her permission, unless he 
knows her well. 

Length of a Call 

A FIRST and formal afternoon call should occupy 
not less than fifteen minutes, not more than 
half an hour. Friends of a hostess, calling on her day 
at home, may linger so long as an hour in her drawing- 
room, but in the case of a chance call it is hardly polite 
to remain so long unless urged by the hostess to tarry. 
After twenty minutes, a half-hour, or an hour, 
the caller should rise from his seat, with perhaps 
the final phrase of the talk they have been en- 
gaged in still on his lips, and push his chair quietly 
away. At the end of his sentence, as the lady rises, 
he should say good-night, simply, or good-afternoon, 
extend his hand to meet her own in a brief, cordial 
clasp, and then turn and walk out of the room. The 
simpler the course pursued by a diffident man, when 
taking his leave, the better, for if he can command 
nothing to say but good-night, let him say it in full 
confidence that the woman, naturally the more self- 
confident and tactful, will put in a graceful sentence or 
two, and so relieve the situation of any embarrassment. 

Two] Calls 


What a woman resents and deplores is the man who 
sits in her drawing-room, however unpretentious it 
may be, in his overcoat, twiddling his hat ; who fails to 
rise when her mother enters for a moment; who 
lounges in his chair and nurses his foot on his knee, 
and who exhausts her patience by nervously fidgeting 
and putting off the, to him, hard ordeal of taking leave 
until the lateness of the hour and the laose of conver- 
sation fairly force him away. 

Receiving Business Calls 

A MAN in receiving a woman caller who is a 
stranger to him in his office need not offer to 
shake hands. Should his time be limited, and his 
private office be occupied, he may go out to meet the 
caller in the corridor or public office, and there stand- 
ing hear her business. Ir she is invited into his private 
office, he must not receive her with his hat on or with 
his coat off, and he must offer her a chair, placing it so 
that she will not face the light. If he wishes her to 
be brief, he may courteously explain that pressing af- 
fairs claim his attention and stand during her explana- 
tions. Too many men lay aside all semblance of 
gentility in their behavior in their offices, and are curt 
and boorish there in their treatment of women, when, 
in drawing-rooms, they would accord them the utmost 
courtesy. For this they give as their excuse the lack 
of consideration that women often betray in wasting 
valuable time on frivolous errands ; but when a man 
finds himself especially busy or impatient, he can 
always ask to be excused, and appoint another hour 
when time and temper will admit of an interview. In 
his office, a gentleman rises also when a woman caller 

44 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette 

rises to leave ; and if the interview has taken place in 
his private office, courtesy commands that he open the 
door for her. He need not go beyond the door with 
her unless she is a friend or relation, when, unless he 
offers an apology, he should conduct her to the outer 
door or to the elevator. 

Chapter THREE 

Visiting Cards for Women 

THEIR size varies but slightly from season 
to season. As a rule, the visiting cards 
used bv married women are somewhat 
larger than those adopted by unmarried 
women. The material and quality of the 
card should be the very best. Pure white bristol board 
ofmedium weight, with the surface polished, not glazed, 
and with the name engraved thereon in black ink 
are the distinguishing features of the cards used in 
good society. Now and then very thin small slips of 
bristol board are seen, but these signify a passing 
fashion and cannot be commended for feminine use, 
though gentlemen frequently adopt the use of thin 
cards, in order to avoid any extra bulkiness in the 
waistcoat pocket. 

Block, script, and old English lettering are all fash- 
ionable types for the engravmg of the present carte de 
visite; and in size of card and style and wording of 
inscription the models on the next page are reliable. 

Proper Titles 

BEVELED or gilded edges, crests, or any decora- 
tion and engraving beyond the name, address, 
and day at home, do not evince taste or a knowledge 
of the nicest social customs. A lady's card in America 

46 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

never bears any other title than Mrs. or Miss; to 
dispense with these simple titles is to commit a sole- 

Mrs. Davis Floyd Wendell 

125 Wkst Elm Stuxt 

Miss Mary Wendell 

125 West Elm Stkxkt 

cism. A woman is not privileged to share on her card 
the dignities conferred upon her husband ; the wife of 

Three] Cartis; 


the admiral is merely Mrs. George Dewey ; the presi- 
dent's wife is Mrs. William McKinley, and even the 
woman, whether married or single, who has herself re- 
ceived the title of doctor should not affix it to her name 
on any but her business cards. A woman who practices 
medicine should use two kinds of cards. One should 
bear her name, thus. Dr. Eleanor Baxter Brown^ or 
Eleanor Baxter Brown y M. Z)., with her address in 
one corner and her office hours in another. This 
would be for professional uses only. Another — for 
social uses — should bear her name thus: Miss Eleanor 
Baxter Brown^ or Mrs. Thomas Russell Brown, with 
only her house address in the corner. 

Cards of the most approved type give the full 
Christian name or names, if there is more than one, as 
well as the surname. It is rather more modish, for 
example, to have the inscription read, Mrs. Philip 
Hoffman Brown, than Mrs. Philip H. Brown; Miss 
Mary Ellsworth Brown, than Miss Mary E. Brown; and 
unmarried women, as a rule, forbear the use of diminu- 
tives such as Mamie, Maggie, Polly and Sadie on their 
calling cards. 

The senior matron of the oldest branch of a family 
may, if she pleases, drop her husband's Christian name 
from her cards, and let the card read simply, for 
example, Mrs. Venables; and her eldest unmarried 
daughter is entitled to omit her own Christian name, 
and use a card reading, for example, Miss Venables. 
Where, however, there are several families of the same 
name in a city or community, all mingling more or 
less in one circle of society, this is apt to create con- 
fusion in the minds of their friends and the safest 
course is not to omit the identifying Christian names. 

48 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

Widow's Card 

A WIDOW is privileged either to retain her hus- 
band's Christian name on her card, or to substi- 
tute for it her own; as, for example, the widow of Donald 
Craig Leith may have her cards read either Mrs. 
Donald Craig Leith or Mrs. Eleanor Phillippa 
Leith. But it is rather the fashion at present for a 
widow or a woman who has been divorced to use her 
maiden surname with the surname of the deceased or 
divorced husband; as, for example, Mrs. Harrison 
Leithy Mrs. Leith's maiden name having been Harri- 

Use of Jr. and Sr. 

^UNIORy or the contraction Jr.y is sometimes 
T added to the name on the card of a lady whose 
husband bears the same name as his father, in or- 
der to give a distinguishing mark between the cards of 
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If the mother-in- 
law, in such an instance, should lose her husband, and 
at the same time wish to retain his baptismal names upon 
her card, she must then add the explanatory abbreviation 
Sr.y while her daughter-in-law erases the Jr. from hers. 
Should both ladies lose their husbands, and both wish 
to retain on their cards the husband's Christian names, 
the younger must add Jr. on her cards. 

Divorced Woman's Card 

A WOMAN who is divorced erases at once from 
her card the Christian name of the man who was 
her husband. If she retains the use of his surname, she 
joins with it either her own Christian or her own sur- 




name, as she prefers. When after a legal anullment of 
her marriage a woman resumes her full maiden name, 
she prefixes to it on her cards the title Mrs. not 


Young Lady's Card 

DURING her first season in society, a young lady 
does not, if her mother has introduced her and is 
her chaperon and companion, use a card of her own. 
Her name is coupled on a large card with and below 
that of her mother, thus : 

Mrs. Epworth Grey 

Miss Mary Eloise Grey 


South Oak Street 

It is presumed that during her first season, the 
greater number of the calls a young lady pays will be in 
company with her mother, and so the joint card is the 
fittest. If she pays calls alone, she employs the same 

50 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

card, but runs a pencil line through her mother's name. 
If, in the next season, a younger sister is introduced, 
or if two sisters enter society in the same season, below 
the mother's name the daughters would be designated 
thus : T*he Misses Grey. After her first season, a 
young lady uses, when calling alone, her own card; 
but she does not indicate on it any day at home, if her 
mother is an active hostess who issues her own cards 
every season and receives with her daughters. Even 
after the daughters have had considerable experience in 
society, the joint card is not entirely dispensed with, 
but is resorted to as occasion makes it appropriate so 
long as the daughters remain unmarried and continue 
to reside with the mother. It still proves convenient 
whenever mother and daughters call or send cards 
together, or when they wish to announce their joint 
day at home, or a change of their common address, 
and in many similar contingencies. 

The Day at Home Signified • 

THE name of a day of the week is engraved in 
the left-hand lowercornerof the visiting card — 
Fridays^ Tuesdays^ Thursdays as the choice may be 
— without explanation or remark, if one wishes to 
signify to her friends and acquaintances that on a 
• special afternoon of every week, after three and until 
six o'clock, she will be prepared to receive their calls. 
But if one wishes to set a particular limit to the term 
of receiving, the card should in some way specify that, 
as Thursdays until Lent^ Saturdays until Aprils First 
Mondays (meaning, first in the month), or First and 
Fourth Wednesdays (meaning, first and fourth in the 

Three] Cattlfi 


Card for Married Couple 

A HUSBAND and wife rarely share one card for 
the purpose of announcing days at home, an- 
swering calls, and the like. It is as well, though, for a 
matron to keep on hand, in addition to her own indi- 
vidual card, one — a rather larger card than her own — 
joining her own and her husband's name, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Epworth Grey 

10 Oak Stkiet 

This she is privileged to use when calling after her 
return from the honeymoon, when sending a gift in 
which her husband has a share, and in sending joint 
regrets in answer to a reception invitation, etc. Very 
frequently such a card is inclosed with a wedding invi- 
tation or with an announcement of a marriage, to 
signify where the bride and groom will make their 

52 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Visiting Cards for Men 

A GENTLEMAN'S card is both thinner and 
smaller than a lady's, but it should be equally 
chaste and fine in its quality and engraving. The ap- 
proved size and style of inscription are as follows : 

Mr. Henry Wykoff Elliott 

a West Cedar Stiizt 

The title Mr. is never dispensed with unless the 
name is followed by Jr. Such contractions of the 
Christian name as Ned^ Boby Jack and Tom dis- 
play a lack of judgment as well as of dignity. If 
the full name is too long to be engraved on the 
card, merely the initial of the middle name may 
be used ; but the first name should always be used in 
full. Mr. Henry W. Elliott is a far more grace- 
ful and conventional arrangement than Mr. H. 
Wykoff Elliott^ and is consequently preferred. 
A man never shares his card with any one as 
in the case of a mother with a daughter, or of a 
chaperon with her protegee. The eldest male member 
of the oldest branch of a family may omit the Christian 
name from his card and use simply the family name 
with Mr.; as, Mr. Maynard. 

Three] Cartid 53 

Not infrequently a bachelor has his home address 
engraved in the lower right-hand corner of his card, 
with the name of his favorite club in the corner op- 
posite. But should he reside entirely at his club, the 
name of the club is placed in the lower right-hand cor- 
ner. A business address must never appear on a 
visiting card. 

A man never has a day at home engraved upon his 
card, though there are many luxurious bachelors 
and shrewd hospitable artists, who, in their charmingly 
appointed chambers or studios, hold many brilliant at 
home days during the season. This fact, however, 
does not permit them to usurp the prerogatives of a 
woman and a hostess, and the methods by which a 
single man gives a day at home and invites his friends 
of both sexes is exhaustively explained in Chapter six- 
teen on Bachelor Hospitalities. 

Titles on Men's Cards 

IT is hardly possible to be too conservative in the 
use of titles on visiting cards. The President and 
the Vice-President of the United States, Ambassadors, 
Justices of the higher courts, officers in the army and 
navy, physicians, and clergymen all signify their office, 
rank or professions by the approved titles. Presidents 
of colleges, professors, lawyers, officers of militia, 
judges of lower courts, officers of the Naval Reserve, 
senators, representatives, and ministers and consuls at 
foreign courts and ports should remain satisfied with 
the simple Mr. on all cards used for social purposes. 
A Justice of the Supreme Court is privileged to have 
his cards engraved with Mr. Justice preceding either 
the surname or the full name, as Mr. Justice 

54 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

Rockwell or Mr. Justice John Bearing Rockwell. 
It is an unwritten law of etiquette in the army that 
no ofRcer of lower rank than captain shall preface 
his name with other title than that of Mr. The 
proper inscription for a lieutenant's card would be, 
Mr. Henry Pollock Eliy with the words Lieutenant of 
Infantry y United States Army^ in the right-hand cor- 
ner. But it is in just as good taste if only the words 
United States Army appear in the corner of the card. 

An officer of any rank above a lieutenant places 
his military title on his card — Captain^ Major^ Colonel^ 
or whatever it may be, and signifies in the corner of 
the card whether his command is in the artillery, the 
infantry, the cavalry, or the engineering corps. 

Professional Cards 

THE professional card of a physician should be 
entirely distinct from his social visiting card. On 
it should appear his name preceded by the abbreviated 
ritle Dr. and with his house address in the lower 
right-hand corner and his office number and office 
hours in the lower left-hand corner. For purely 
social purposes only his house address appears — in- 
scribed in the lower right-hand corner; nis name 
appears just as in his professional card, preceded by 
the abbreviated title Dr. as Dr. Henry R. Bliss; or in 
somewhat newer and more approved fashion, with the 
Dr. omitted and M. D. added, as Henry R. Bliss ^ M. 

A clergyman's card is appropriately engraved in 
this wise : Reverend Samuel D. Baxter. The Rev- 
erendy however, is not infrequently abbreviated to 
Rev. A physician, clergyman or scholar may 

Three] Cattlfi 


have earned the right to a splendid tale of letters 
after his name, the recognized abbreviations of various 
titles, honors, or degrees conferred upon him ; but 
from the social visitmg card it is best to omit all of 
this, except so much as stands for the one title by which 
he is commonly addressed. For example, a clergyman 
who is known as Doctor Mynell has his cards engraved 
without Rev, or Mr. in this fashion: Raymond Lynde 
Mynell, D. D. 

When for any social purpose a man has occasion 
to write his name on a card with his own hand he 
does not omit Mr. but writes his name just as it 
would appear if engraved. 

Mourning Cards 

IN America we have no hard and fast rules regulat- 
ing the depth of mourning border on a visiting 
card. An extremely broad band — one, say, half an 
inch wide — is frowned upon as too ostentatious an 
emblem of woe, even when adopted by a widow or by 
a bereaved parent. Ordinarily, in the first year of 
widowhood, a border a trifle more than one-third of 
an inch wide is all-sufllicient indication of even the 
profoundest depths of grief. In the second year a 
border a third of an inch wide is adopted and contin- 
ued for six or eight months or a mil year. Then 
and thereafter every sixth months the border is dimin- 
ished by a sixteenth of an inch until mourning is put 
oflf entirely. On the card of a widower, since a man's 
card is always smaller than a woman's, the bl^ck border 
is always narrower ; it is diminished from time to time 
by about the same graduations as on the card of a 
widow. When a lady, past the meridian of life, loses 


56 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

her husband, she frequently chooses to wear mourning 
for the rest of her days ; and after the first year of her 
bereavement, for the wide border of black is substi- 
tuted a permanent border an eighth of an inch in width. 
A gradual narrowing in the black border is hardly in 
good taste when the death betokened is that of a par- 
ent, a child, a sister or a brother. The card for any 
of these relatives should, from the beginning to the 
end of the period of mourning, bear a black edging 
from an eighth to a sixteenth of an inch in width. A 
border a sixteenth of an inch wide is sufficient for 
the whole period in mourning in case of the death of 
a grandparent, or of an uncle or an aunt. 

Cards when Calling 

AS has been mentioned in the chapter on Calling, 
a card is never carried by a caller into the 
drawing-room and presented to the hostess. Not 
many years ago the custom of folding over the ends 
of cards prevailed. This was done when the person 
called upon proved not to be at home, and the form 
of the fold was laden with polite significance. The 
left side of the card was folded to indicate that every 
one in the family was included in the call ; and the 
right side was bent to assure the household that the 
card was not left by a messenger, but was presented by 
the caller in person. The card thus treated came to 
present a very mangled and untidy appearance, and 
this fact soon led to the abandonment of what was 
never a very sound custom. 

There was a period when callers were obliged 
in some instances to leave behind them veritable 
packages of cards. No matter how many of the 

Three] Cartjs; 


members of a household were in society, a card must 
be left for every individual, and this lavish distribution 
was required on the occasion of every call. To-day 
card etiquette is so simplified and systematized that 
any man or woman can follow it without danger of 
serious errors. 

The majority of calls between women are exchanged 
on their appointed days at home, and then the cards 
are usually left by the caller on the tray in the hall as 
she passes through on her way to the drawing-room. 
If the call is the first she has paid that season in that 
house, she puts into the tray one card of her own and 
two of her husband's. Thereafter, during the season, 
she need not again leave her own card, if her subse- 
quent calls are made on the friend's day at home. She 
still leaves two of her husband's cards, however, if her 
call is made in return for any entertainment to which 
he has been asked and if her hostess is a married 
woman. If her hostess's unmarried daughters receive 
with their mother the caller need not leave any cards 
for them, even though they are in society. She would, 
however, leave one of her own cards on retiring from 
the house, if she found a married daughter or a friend 
eceiving with the hostess. 

A feminine caller never designs any of her own 
cards for the masculine members of a household on 
which she calls. A great many women now follow the 
rule, when calling at a friend's day at home, of leaving 
their own cards along with those of their husbands, 
even though it is not the first call of the season, if it is 
a call paid especially in return for some recent hospi- 
tality enjoyed under the roof of the lady receiving. If 
the visit is merely a friendly one without any important 

58 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

significance then no cards of any sort are absolutely 

A married woman should always make it a rule to 
carry an abundance of her husband's cards in the case 
with her own, and should be most scrupulous in leav- 
ing them at houses where he has been entertained. 
For a bachelor, son or brother she need not perform 
this oflSce, but may leave him to pay his calls and 
leave his cards in person. 

If two maiden ladies are equally mistress and 
hostess in the same house the matron who calls upon 
them for the first time in a season, or after being 
entertained under their roof, leaves two of her own and 
two of her husband's cards. Again, if an unmarried 
woman is the hostess in her widowed father's or her 
brother's home, cards are left upon her as carefully as 
if she were a matron. A young lady during her first 
year in society leaves her name on the same card with 
her mother's, and the leaving of one of these joint 
cards suffices for both mother and daughter, or daugh- 
ters, if the names of more than one daughter appear. 
When a young lady who uses her separate card pays a 
call on a friend's day at home, she puts two cards into 
the hall tray on entering, if the hostess is receiving 
with a friend, or a daughter, or other feminine relatives. 
This is done when the call is the first of the season or 
is in return for some hospitality enjoyed. Except on 
these occasions, if the young lady calls frequently at 
the house, and times her visits on their days at home, 
she need not leave her card. 

A young lady paying a chance call on a mother 
and daughters, or a hostess and friend, and being told 
the ladies are out, leaves two cards. Of course no young 

Three] Cattjfif 


lady, any more than a matron, leaves her card for any 
of the men of a household. A call paid to a lady visit- 
ing in a house, whether the lady of the house is friend 
or stranger to the caller, requires two cards, one for the 
guest and one for her hostess, and this is still the rule 
whether the caller is a man or a woman. . 

Both men and women, in paying calls in a strange 
city or neighborhood, write on their cards their tem- 
porary address — in the corner opposite that in which 
the permanent address is engraved. On calling at a 
hotel, it is a sensible precaution to write on the card 
sent up, or left, the name of the person for whom it is 

Cards when Paying Chance Call 

A SO ME WHAT different disposition of cards 
is required when a call is made without any 
previous assurance of finding the person called upon 
at home. The caller usually takes the requisite 
number of cards from her case before ringing the door- 
bell. If she is a married woman calling upon a married 
woman who has invited her recently to a dance or 
dinner, she takes two of her husband's cards from her 
case with two of her own. Her two cards are enough 
if she asks to see the ladies ; implying thereby her 
hostess and one or more daughters. If the hostess 
is entertaining a sister, a friend, her mother or a married 
daughter at the time, the lady calling then takes out 
three of her own cards, and with these in her hand she 
awaits the servant. Should the reply to her question 
be not at home she hands the cards to the maid, 
and goes on. If the answer is that the ladies are in 
the drawing-room, she puts her cards on the tray in 

6o Kncyclop(Bdia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

the hall as she passes in to greet her friends. Occa- 
sionally a servant seems doubtful whether the ladies 
are at home or not ; then, if the caller wishes to make 
sure, she gives the servant her personal cards only, and 
waits in the drawing-room to hear the result of his 
inquiries. Should the ladies prove to be not at home, 
then to these cards she adds those of her husband and 
leaves them all with the servant. On the other hand, 
if the ladies appear, she pays her call, and on passing 
out puts two of her husband's cards on the hall tray. 

When a Stranger Leaves Cards 

NOT infrequently, when a man or a woman is 
entertaining a relative or friend for a fortnight 
or longer, the two go on a round of calls together, 
and in that case a special question as to the proper card- 
leaving is mooted. If the guest accompanies the host 
or hostess as a matter of convenience and is a stranger 
to the persons on whom the calls are paid, his or her 
card is not left when the persons called upon are not 
found at home. But if the stranger purposes to spend 
at least a fortnight in the neighborhood, and the per- 
sons called upon present themselves, one of his or her 
cards should be left in the hall on retiring. Otherwise 
no card-leaving is necessary, and the person on whom 
the call was made will understand that this chance 
caller, if a woman, need not be called upon in return, 
or if a man, is not expecting to be included in ap- 
proaching social gaieties in the neighborhood. 

For a man or woman who accompanies a friend or 
relative to a lady's house by special arrangement for 
the express purpose of being introduced and paying a 
first call, the card etiquette is quite clear. If the call 

Three] Cattjfi 6 1 

is made on an afternoon at home, then the caller, 
whether man or woman, leaves cards on the hall table 
as for any first call. In case a chance call is made 
and the lady or ladies are out, the stranger, whether a 
man or woman, leaves his or her cards along with those 
of the sponsor and friend. 

Cards When Paying Business Calls 

A WO MAN does not send in her card when mak- 
ing a business call on a man. It is sufficient to 
give the servant her name and state her business or to 
write both on a slip of paper. When paying a busi- 
ness call on a woman who is a stranger to ner, the 
caller sends up one card, inscribing thereon a hint as to 
the nature of her errand, or briefly explaining to the 
servant the purpose of the call. Frequently a formal 
morning call is paid by one woman on another who is 
quite her social equal, but with whom she does not ex- 
change cards and visits, except as their association in a 
club or on some charity committee may necessitate 
brief business calls. In such calls, only one, and her 
own, card is sent up by the caller ; and this and a brief 
explanation of the object of the call are left with the 
servant when the mistress of the house is not at home. 

When a Man Leaves Cards 

MANY a young man who regards himself as 
a model of social propriety calls at a house 
where he has lately been entertained, at a dance or 
dinner, and asks to see only some one young lady in 
whom he has a special interest, sending up but one 
card by the servant, and leaving but one card if the one 
for whom he has asked is not at home. Every truly 

62 Encyclopoedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

well-mannered man, in calling under such circum- 
stances, will, however, ask to see not any one, but the 
ladies, if there are more than one in the house ; and he 
will send up one card for the young lady, or ladies, and 
one for the mother or chaperon whoever she may be. 
If the ladies are out, he leaves these cards and one for 
his host. If the ladies are in and one or more descend 
to see him, he still leaves a card for his host on the hall 
table on going out. 

A call made by a gentleman on a lady, on her day 
at home, requires no sending in or leaving of cards in 
the hall, unless he is calling after some entertainment 
which he has attended under that roof or to which he 
has been invited, or unless it is his first call on her in 
the season. After an entertainment, he puts one 
card in the tray, and that is for his host ; also on the 
occasion of a first call he leaves one. This last is 
merely to indicate that his address is the same as in the 
foregoing season. Thereafter when calling on the day 
at home he makes no use of his cards. 

When to Leave and When to Post 


A FREQUENT and convenient practice is that of 
leaving cards at a door in place of paying a per- 
sonal call, or sending them by post or messenger. The 
circumstances in which cards are properly left on a 
member of society are, when an elderly lady or semi- 
invalid, or woman in deep mourning desires to offer 
this courteous recognition of calls made upon her or 
invitations she has received. A very busy hostess 
owing a dinner call or first call to a friend to whom 

Three] Cartlfii 63 

she is eager, however, to extend an invitation, is 
privileged, for lack of time and opportunity, to sub- 
stitute her call with a card left on the friend, or her 
card may be posted along with the engraved or written 
invitation. A man or woman unable to accept an in- 
vitation extended by a hostess to whom he or she is a 
stranger must, within a fortnight after the entertain- 
ment, leave cards in due form. Persons invited 
merely to the marriage ceremony on the occasion of a 
church wedding, and those who receive cards in an- 
nouncement of a marriage, carefully leave their cards 
— men as well as women — on the bride's mother with- 
in a week or two after the wedding. When one who 
is the friend of a groom, but a stranger to the parents 
of the bride, is invited to a wedding which he or she 
is unable to attend, he or she does not call, but merely 
leaves cards on the bride's mother a fortnight after the 
wedding. When the members of a club or of any 
other organization are entertained by a lady at her 
home, all who were invited leave their cards upon the 
hostess shortly after the celebration under her roof, no 
matter if it was but an afternoon reception and the 
hostess is in no sense a calling acquaintance. 

Cards are left to enquire the condition of one who 
is ill, or to show sympathy and good feeling in the 
event of some great misfortune befallen a friend, or to 
announce a change of address, or to announce a pro- 
longed absence, or to signify a re-entrance into society. 

The act of leaving cards is simple enough. Their 
bearer, on ringing the door-bell, hands to the servant 
who answers the call, the two, three or more requisite 
engraved slips, saying. For Mr. and Mrs. Blanks ox ^ for 
Mrs. and the Misses Blank, 

()4 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Cards Before and After a Funeral 

AS soon as a death is announced it is required that 
the friends and acquaintances of the deceased, or 
of the bereaved family, leave their cards in person at 
the house of mourning. Sometimes a brief expression 
of sympathy is written in pencil on such cards ; it is 
better taste, however, to write nothing on them. A 
husband and wife, leaving their cards together, hand 
the servant at the door four cards — ^two of the hus- 
band's and two of the wife's. Very often a married 
couple leave, instead, two of their joint cards — one is 
intended for the parents and one for the adult sisters and 
brothers of the deceased. The same number of cards 
is required when a gentleman loses his wife or a lady her 
husband, if there are grown children surviving. 
Should a married woman lose one of her parents, her 
friends leave their cards upon her at her own door 
and also upon her surviving parent. Cards are 
left upon the eldest of a family of sons and daughters 
made orphans. Black-bordered cards are not used for 
this ceremony, unless the callers themselves are in 

It is customary to leave cards not only immediately 
after a death is announced, but again a few days after 
the funeral. And this latter ceremony is observed 
especially by those who wish to show their sympathy, 
yet are not on a sufficiently intimate footing to venture 
a call or a note of condolence ; for the intimate friends 
as well as acquaintances leave their cards just after the 
death is announced. The manner of leaving cards 
after the funeral is less strictly ceremonious than the 
manner of leaving them at the announcement of the 

Three] Cattlg 65 

death. A matron may leave cards for her entire 
family, or a sister may nilfil this duty for her brother. 
It is not kind nor complimentary to post a card to 
inquire the condition of a friend who is ill. Such a 
card must be left in person, after asking news of the 
invalid's condition at the door. The words to in- 
quire penciled below the caller's engraved name, are 
added to distinguish these cards as the special property 
of the sick man or woman, also to prove the caller's 
interest and courteous intentions. When affectionate 
anxiety prompts a daily call of inquiry it is necessary 
to leave a card only at long intervals. 

Returning Cards of Inquiry 

AN invalid, who is fairly on the road to recovery^ 
and who has received many cards of inquiry, 
shows appreciation of the interest and sympathy they 
indicate by sending out, through the post, numbers of 
his or her own cards on which is penciled the phrase 
Many . thanks for your kind inquiries. When callers 
have been generously attentive and thoughtful in not 
only making frequent inquiries, but in sending fruit, 
flowers, books, etc., cordial notes of thanks are the 
proper mediums for the expression of appreciation. 

The proper manner in which to acknowledge the 
cards left before or after a funeral is for the head or 
heads of the bereaved family to issue large black-edged 
cards of thanks, two, three or four weeks after the 
funeral. These are not to be employed in place of 
written replies to letters of condolence, unless the de- 
ceased was a person of public importance and the 
nearest surviving relatives received countless notes and 
telegrams of condolence from strangers. Persons there 

66 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

are who prefer, in place of cards of acknowledgment, 
to leave their personal cards, suitably edged with black, 
on all those who called before and after the funeral. 
This can only be done from three to six months after 
the obsequies and seems very like a belated recogni- 
tion of an attention. It is perfectly fitting for a widow, 
let us say, a few weeks after the death of her husband, 
to post one of her mourning cards to every man and 
woman who left their cards upon her. On her own 
black-edged squares of bristol-board she should then 
write tVith thanks for your kind sympathy. 

But to recur to the question of the large especially 
printed cards as the mediums for returning thanks : If 
they are used in the circumstances referred to, a plain 
large white card edged with black must be chosen and 
the inscription thereon printed, not engraved, by the 
stationer. These cards must be posted in black-bor- 
dered envelopes, and for a widow returning thanks the 
proper printed form would be : 

Mrs. John Everett and Family 

return thanks for your kind sympathy 
50 Greenfield Street 

Mrs. John Everett 

returns thanks to 
and family 

for their kind sympathy and condolence 

50 Greenwich Street* 

Three] Cartufi 67 

A widow and her children might suitably use this 

The family of the late 

James R. Brown 

return their sincere thanks for your kind sympathy 

20 Maxwell Place* 

In the case of parents acknowledging inquiries for 
a young child who has been ill, cards may be sent on 
which their names are engraved together as in other 
joint cards of husband and wife. 

P. p. c. Cards 

IT is almost a universal practice for persons who are 
leaving the neighborhood or city of their residence 
for the season or for a voyage, to leave cards on all 
those with whom they have visiting relations, in order 
to acquaint them with the news of their departure. In 
this case the ordinary visiting card is used, but with 
the letters P. p. c. written in one of the lower corners, 
to indicate the fact of the intended departure. The 
use of these letters springs from the polite French 
custom of a special call made pour prendre congi (to 
take leave) of one's friends. 

P. p. c. cards are very necessary when a member of 
society is in debt for hospitalities received and finds it 
is impossible to pay in person, before going away, the 
many calls he or she owes. It is permitted to drive 
from house to house, leaving cards so inscribed with 
the servant who answers the bell ; and if there is not 

68 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

time to do this, it is even permissible to slip the cards 
in proper envelopes and post them the day before 
going away. In leaving for a voyage, many persons 
follow the sensible custom of writing on the cards the 
address of their hotel or banker in the foreign country 
to which they are going. 

P. p. c. cards are not as a rule distributed at the 
end of a season, for then, it is to be assumed, all duty 
calls will have been paid and all calls of civility returned. 
Even then, though some women do send them out, 
but merely to acquaint their friends finally with the 
fact of their departure. The P. p. c. card requires no 
acknowledgment of its receipt. 

A Traveller's Card 

A WOMAN arriving at a place where she has 
friends and intending to stop there for a greater 
or less time, takes pains to acquaint her friends — ^both 
the men and the women— of her presence by posting 
her visiting cards bearing her temporary address. A 
man, in such circumstances, calls on his friends ; and 
if he finds them not at home, he leaves his card. 

It is very important for a member of society in 
case of a change of address to post cards to all his or 
her friends announcing the change. The cards bearing 
the old address are best used for this purpose, with a 
line drawn through the old address and the new one 
written clearly in pencil above or opposite the old one. 

Cards Announcing Birth of a Child 

THE birth of a child is announced to friends and 
acquaintances by special cards sent by post. A 
large square of bristol board bears the mother's 

Three] CattUfi 69 

name and address, and tied to the upper half of this 
by a narrow white satin ribbon is a second card about 
one-fourth as large bearing the child's full name, with- 
out the prefix or title, and with the date of birth in one 

On the receipt of cards announcing a birth 
calls are usually made to enquire after the health of 
mother and child and cards are left for them both. 
Persons prevented by distance or other sufficient cause 
from calhng, should answer the cards of announcement 
by posting their own cards to the mother, with the 
words. Hearty congratulations written in pencil above 
the name. 

Chapter FOUR 



The Invitations 

A FORTNIGHT is the usual notice given 
in sending out dinner invitations, al- 
though some persons extend it to three 
weeks, but this is only done when great 
ceremony is to be observed, or when 
engraved cards of invitation are issued. For a dinner 
of ceremony it is not safe, nor in good taste, to issue 
the engraved or written invitations less than five days 
ahead of time. The reason for giving a long notice is 
obvious : it enables a hostess to secure the guests she 
most wishes to entertain, and makes it easier for her 
to send out additional invitations when any of her 
cards are declined. 

An invitation posted a day or two before the feast 
too clearly indicates that its recipient is but an after- 
thought, or that he or she is asked in to fill the seat of 
some guest who has dropped out at the last moment. 

A nostess who gives many large and elaborate din- 
ners in the course of a season may exercise her prefer- 
ence between writing her invitations on note sheets 
with her own hand and sending out specially engraved 



cards. But whichever course she pursues, the terms 
in which she bids her friends to a formal dining are 
invariably the same. The card on which a dinner in- 
vitation is engraved is as a rule large, of pure white, 
rather heavy bristol board, and the engraving is done 
in script, old English or block type. At proper inter- 
vals spaces are left for the insertion of the name of the 
person invited, the day, jthe hour and the date, thus : 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure of 

company at dinner 

on evening 

at ^clock 

^o Maple Avenue. 

Should the dinner be given in honor of a special 
guest, the hostess may appropriately write, 7*0 meet 
Mr. and Mrs. Browny at the bottom of every en- 
graved card or order her stationer to prepare small 
cards to accompany every invitation she issues, the 
cards to be engraved after this form : 

To meet 


and Mrs. Brown 



of IFaskingtom 

72 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

When a dinner of unusual formality and elesance 
is to be given, to introduce some one of distinguished 
position to the hostess's friends, there are sent out cards 
for the occasion that take this form : 

Tq meet 

The President and Mrs. McKinley 
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure of 

company at dinner 

on evening 

at o\/oci 

4.0 Maple Avenue. 

Written Invitations 

AS has been stated in the opening paragraph a 
hostess may elect to use engraved or written 
dinner invitations, and though the former are a trifle 
more elegant, they need never be regarded as more 
ceremonious mediums for the oflfer of hospitality. A 
written invitation, employing the same terms as have 
just been set forth for an engraved card, never occupies 
more than the first page of a note sheet. A sheet 
folded once into an envelope which it exactly fits is the 
type of stationery to use ; and like the engraved cards 
these personally prepared missives are issued under 
cover of but a single envelope. 

The letters " R. s. v. p." (standing for RipondeZy 
s*il vous plait — answer, if you please) now rarely or 

Four] Btnnetd 


never appear on a dinner card ; for, it is reasonably 
argued, to thus remind a person of so obvious and well 
understood a duty as that of answering a dinner invita- 
tion is a distinct discourtesy. 

A dinner card is always addressed to both the hus- 
band and wife when married persons are invited, since 
it is discourteous to invite a wife without her husband, 
or vice versa. When other members of the same 
family or guests stopping in the house are asked, separ- 
ate invitations are sent to each one. 

Invitations to Less Ceremonious Din- 

FOR small dinners for not more than six or eight 
people most of whom are already acquainted 
with each other the invitations are more appropriately 
issued in the form of brief friendly notes, as follows, and 
addressed to the wife when a married couple is invited. 

24. Chestnut Square^ 

Feb. I sty ip — . 
JHy dear Mrs. Johnson: 

Will you and Mr. Johnson give us the pleasure of your com- 
pany at dinner on Monday^ the seventh^ at eight 0^ clock f 

Sincerely yoursy 

Elizabeth Barrows Lane. 

JO Rampart St., 

May *phy ip — . 
Dear Mr. Brookman: 

We would be very pleased to have you dine with us on Mon-^ 
day next J the I2thy at seven o^clock^ if disengaged. 

Cordially yours ^ 

Helen Clements^ 

74 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

4.00 West 40th St. 

Nov. istj ip — . 
Dear Mrs. yones : 

It would give us great pleasure to have you and Mr. Jones 
dine informally with us on Wednesday^ the sixths at half past six^ 
to meet Mr. and Mrs. Graham Howland^ of London^ and after^ 
wards go with us to see Sara Bernhardt in ^^U Aiglon^ Trusting 
that there is no previous engagement to prevent our enjoyment of 
your company y I am 

Most sincerely yours^ 

Eleanor A. Smyth. 

To Postpone or Cancel a Dinner 

WHEN conditions arise to prevent the giving of 
a dinner for which engraved cards have been 
issued, the hostess immediately dispatches, by messenger, 
or by special delivery through the post, short written 
notices, canceling or postponmg the engagement. The 
formula of the third person can be used or the explana- 
tion expressed in a brief note, thus : 

'Mr, and Mrs. Christopher King 
regret exceedingly that a sudden and severe illness 
in their family necessitates the indefinite postpone* 
ment of their dinner arranged for the 12th inst. 

Because of recent damage to their home by fire 
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 
beg to postpone their dinner^ arranged for Mon-^ 
day^ the twelfth to Thursday^ the fifteenth^ on 
which date they hope to have the pleasure of Mr, 
and Mrs. Henry Collinses company^ at eight 

Four] Mnnttfi 


/ Fulton Gardens^ 

Feb. jrd^ ip — . 
Afy Dear Airs. Collins : 

I write in haste and with great regret^ to tell you that 
my husband and I are unexpectedly called to Chicago to-night to 
testify in the settlement of an estate in which we are vitally 
interested. As we have no idea what the law^s delays may be^ we 
think it best to indefinitely postpone our dinner arranged for the 
thirteenth. Hoping that at some future date we may have the 
pleasure of entertaining you and Mr. Collins^ 

I am most sincerely yoursy 

Marjorie King. 

Inviting a Stop-gap 

IT is quite allowable to call upon a friend, as an act 
of special courtesy, to fill a vacancy occurring in a 
dinner party at the last moment. But in such a case 
the invitation should be by a cordial note, frankly ex- 
plaining the circumstances, and not by a formal card 
dispatched at the last moment. It would be entirely 
civil and reasonable, for example, to approach a friend 
with an appeal for assistance in the following terms : 

12 Westbury Place^ 

Dec. 2pthj ip — . 
Dear Mr. Cook : 

Will you not be very amiable ^ and help me out on Thursday ^ 
the twenty-first^ at a dinner party? The grippe has seized one 
of my guests at the eleventh hour^ and I am cast upon the good 
nature of my friends. We are dining at eight (^ clock ^ and my 
husband and I will count ourselves under the most agreeable 
obligations to you for the pleasure of your company as well as the 
favor you confer by coming. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Amelia E. Bradford, 

76 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Answering a Dinner Invitation 

A PRO MPT and decisive reply, written within 
twenty-four hours, is the rule followed by well- 
bred and considerate individuals. It is a gross incivil- 
ity, else an indication of a very defective social educa- 
tion, to permit a dinner card to lie two or three days 
awaiting its answer. As unforgiveable a solecism is to 
accept a dinner invitation conditionally. To write a 
hostess asking a day or two of grace in which to dis- 
cover if impediments to final acceptance can be re- 
moved, or to write saying, carelessly, " Mr. Brown will 
be glad to accept Mrs. Jones's kind invitation, if he is 
not called out of town on business before the fifteenth," 
are liberties not to be permitted in well regulated 
society. Let one's yea be yea and one*s nay be nay, 
is the finest precept to follow when answering the 
complimentary request for one's company at a dinner, 
whether it is a stately function or a modest and infor- 
mal gathering. 

The answer to an invitation expressed in the 
third person is invariably written and cast in this 
mould : 

14. West Street^ 

March J I sty ip — 

Air* and Mrs. Mayhexv Marhury 

accept with pleasure 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Kin^s 

invitation to dinner on 

Tuesday evenings April tenth^ 

at eight 0^ clock. 

Four] Btnnerg 77 


Mr. and Mrs. Mayhew Marbury 
regret that their departure from town prevents 

their acceptance of 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Kin^s 

kind invitation to dinner on 

Tuesday evening^ April tenths 

at eight 0* clock. 

14. West Street y 
March J 1st ^ /p — . 

The envelope would be addressed to Mrs. Christo- 
pher King. 

A dinner invitation in the form of a note must be 
answered by a note, in which it is the sensible custom 
to repeat the dates given in the hostess' missive, thus: 

I J Court Street^ 

Jan. jisty /p — . 
My dear Mrs. Lane: 

It gives me great pleasure to accept your kind invitation to 
dinner on Monday^ the seventh^ at eight o'clock. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Harriet Johnson. 

Eastern Pointy 

April 2pth^ ip — . 
Dear Mrs. Clements: 

I will be most happy to dine with you on Monday ^ the I2th^ 
at seven o'clock. 

Faithfully yours ^ 

Arthur Brookman. 

78 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 


7^ North End Avenue^ 
Nov. 22nd^ 
My dear Mrs. Smith : 

Mr. Jones and I are extremely sorry that we are not able to 
accept your invitation for the sixth. We are pledged for a din- 
ner and the opera on that date^ and lament that the gods see fit to 
offer us so many more charming invitations than we are able to 
accept and profit by. Mr, Jones joins me in kind regards and 

Believe me^ sincerely yours^ 

Isabel E. Jones. 

The envelope of any of the foregoing answers 
would be addressed to Mrs. Lane, or Mrs. Clements, 
or Mrs. Smith, as the case might be, and not to the 
husband also. 

Breaking a Dinner Engagement 

HERE a note containing a very genuine and ex- 
plicit reason for canceling so sacred an engage- 
ment must be despatched by special messenger or 
by special postal delivery to the hostess. 

14. West Street^ 
March J 1st, 
My dear Mrs. King: 

I regret to say that we are, by most unforeseen and unkind cir- 
cumstances, prevented from dining with you on Wednesday. Mr. 
Bowles has been called by telegraph to-day to our mines in Pennsyl- 
vania, where a serious accident has befallen a number of our em- 
ployees. We feel acutely distressed, for up to this time none of 
our men have been injured, and I anxiously await further news of 
the progress of the rescue. 

In sincere disappointment, I am yours, 

Elsie r. Bowles. 

Four] Btnnet0 



JVaverly Place^ 

Jan. /J/A, /p — . 
My Dear Mrs. King: 

An accident on the ice yesterday afternoon results in so severe 
a sprain that I fear it will he impossible for me to appear at your 
table to-morrow. The pain of the wounded ankle is hardly^ I 
assure you^ more severe than the disappointment I feel at relinquish^ 
ing the opportunity of enjoying your always delightful hospitality. 

With many regrets I am faithfully yours ^ 

John y. Finley. 

Answering a Request to Serve as a 


THIS reply whether favorable or not, must take 
the form of a note : 

J Broadway^ 

Dec. 28th^ /p — . 
Dear Mrs. Bradford: 

There is nothing I like better than at the same time to dine 
with you and serve you. At eight o^ clock to-morrow I will do my 
best to persuade you that the obligation and pleasure of the situa- 
tion are all on my side. 

Believe me^ sincerely yours^ 

Everett R. Cook. 

A Large and Formal Dinner Party 

THE chief requisites for a successful dinner party 
are a very carefully selected group of congenial 
guests, a choice and well-assorted menu ; prompt and 
watchful, but silent and unobtrusive servants; lights 
tastefully adjusted, and a host and hostess absolutely at 
their ease. Even to the folding of the napkins and 
the temperature of the wines, the etiquette of the 

8o Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

dinner party is now exactly prescribed, and the hostess 
who wanders from the limits of the well-ordained rules 
will surely find herself led into profitless and embar- 
rassing experiments. 

, A carelessly selected, ill-assorted dinner com- 
pany in which there appear a greater number of 
men than women, or of women than men, is a grievous 
mistake. As is pointed out in the paragraphs on 
dinner invitations it is the wisest provision to issue the 
engraved cards or notes well in advance of the date 
set for the feast and thereby ensure the presence of the 
persons desired, before other engagements can claim 
them ; if an ornate and formal feast is on the tapis and 
at the last moment an accident, illness or bereavement 
prevents the attendance of a guest, then the hostess 
must set her wits to work and find a substitute, an 
obliging friend or relative, to fill the chair thus left 
vacant ; otherwise her table will lose its symmetry in 

For a ceremonious dinner the company consists of 
eight, twelve, fourteen or eighteen persons ; and the 
guests must be seated at one table. It is a serious, almost 
an unforgiveable, error to overestimate the capacity of 
one's dining-room or the powers of one's cook or wait- 
ress, and attempt the entertainment of a greater num- 
ber of people than can be comfortably seated at one's 
table, and the provision and service of an entertain- 
ment too complicated and elaborate for one's facilities. 


THE hour for a dinner, of such formality that the 
invitations have been issued a fortnight in ad- 
vance of the chosen evening, is usually seven, seven- 

Four] Btnnetfi; si 

thirty, or eight o'clock. A dinner so elaborate that 
the actual serving of the many courses will occupy 
over two hours is a great mistake. A hostess should 
so arrange her menu and drill her servants that one 
hour and a half only will be spent at table, though in 
one hour a handsome and very complete feast can be 
dispatched^ without crowding one course too close upon 
the heels of another. After an hour or an hour and a 
half the diners are usually well satisfied to leave the 
atmosphere of the dining-room and the sight of food. 

The Servants 

THE serving can be successfully accomplished by 
a butler, a footman and one maid ; by a butler 
and a maid, or by two skilful women servants. For a 
dinner of eighteen covers, at least three servants are 
necessary ; for one of twelve covers, two will manage 
everything nicely, while at one of eight covers a single, 
capable man or maid, if assisted by a well trained 
helper in the pantry, can expeditiously minister to every- 
one's wants. 

A butler wears complete evening livery, without 
white cotton gloves. A second man, assisting, wears 
his full house livery; or if an assistant is had in for the 
occasion, from a restaurant, his dress is similar to 
that of the butler. A maid servant appears in her 
afternoon livery of black, with white apron, cuffs, 
collar and cap. The servant that is at the head 
of affairs in the dining-room, must be instructed 
as to the exact number of guests, in order that the 
announcement of the meal may follow immediately 
on the arrival in the drawing-room of the last 
person expected. Appearing at the drawing-room 

82 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

door, the maid or butler should say, looking directly at 
the mistress of the house, " Madame, dinner is served," 
or siniply, " Dinner is served." 

After dinner, when the guests are leaving, the but- 
ler is in readiness to open the hall door for them, call 
carriages, assist gentlemen into their overcoats, and 
hand them their hats and gloves. 


TOO much thought and care can hardly be expended 
by a hostess upon the aspect of her dining- 
room and the faultless arrangement of her table, whether 
a small or a large dinner company is expected. If she 
purposes to accompany the feast with music, then 
stringed instruments are preferable to any other. 
Violins, mandolins, and a harp or guitars produce 
charming harmonies if the players are established in a 
hall or on a stair-landing, where they will not be seen and 
whence the music will come sufficiently softened not 
to be an interruption or distraction to the guests. Music 
that interferes with conversation, or that is loud enough 
to force the company into a tone of speech above the 
ordinary, is not a pleasure at a dinner, but only a 
nuisance and a weariness. When a special musical 
program has been prepared, it should not be performed 
until after the dinner proper is finished. 

Comforts for Guests 

IN preparing for a dinner party, the hostess adorns 
her drawing-room with flowers, opens the piano, 
illuminates the salon with shaded lamps, and draws the 
window shades ; she also provides a dressing-room for 
the ladies. In the library or small ante-room, in the 

Four] Btntietfii 83 

smoking-room, or even in the rear of the hall, gentle- 
men can be asked to lay aside their coats, hats and 
gloves, though assuredly in the circumstances of a very 
large dinner they would require and appreciate the ad- 
vantages of a dressing-room. 

Temperature of Dining-Room 

IT is, however, in the dining-room and on her table 
that the intelligent hostess expends her best care. 
The temperature of the dining-room should noft be al- 
lowed to rise above seventy-five degrees, nor permitted 
to fall below seventy ; and the room should be kept 
always well ventilated, in order that the air may be 
always sweet and free of odors from the kitchen. Even 
in the coldest weather one window at least may well be 
kept open an inch at top and bottom, until the guests 
enter. A dining-room heats only too rapidly from the 
lights, foods and human occupants, and even a sump- 
tuous feast is robbed of all its charm when eaten in a 
hot, exhausted atmosphere. If, by chance, an unoccu- 
pied room opens into the dining-room, continuous 
ventilation, without draughts, may be secured by open- 
ing the windows in the vacant chamber and shielding 
the doorway between the two rooms with screens. 


GAS jets or electric lights swinging above the 
centre of the table are a tasteless, tactless means of 
illuminating a dining-room. As a matter of fact, sav- 
ing and excepting the table and its immediate environs, 
the room in which a truly enjoyable feast is served 
must not be lighted at all. The light should be con- 
centrated and so directed, that, while every part of the 

84 KncyclopcBdia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

cloth is in radiant vision, the guests' eyes are at the 
same time shaded from any painful glare and the 
buffets, side-table and pantry door thrown into agree- 
able shadow. Candles or small lamps, with the name 
well shaded, produce the softest, steadiest, most com- 
fortable and most becoming light. Incomprehensible 
as it may sound, there are hostesses who, in obedience 
to the behest of fashion, provide gorgeous candelabra 
or lamps for their table, yet continue to drown out and 
neutralize the glow from them by turning on the fierce 
hard light of the gas or electric chandelier. This is 
simply to convert a fashion, that really originated in 
sense and comfort, into a perfect absurdity, and to rob 
the entertainment of just the refinement and pic- 
turesqueness that alone give the private dinner an ad- 
vantage over a blazing feast spread in some hotel 

When lamps are used, they may be lamps complete 
in themselves or simply lamp-bowls set in the sockets 
of silver candlesticks. Exquisite cleanliness, freedom 
from oily odor, and a clear name, modulated by tinted 
tulle, painted silk, or crimp paper shades, are necessary 
to render them as ornamental and as useful as possible. 
Whether lamps or candles are used, they should be 
lighted at least three minutes before the dinner is an- 
nounced, in order to make sure that they are in good 
condition and will burn freely and clearly until the 
dinner is finished. Candles are far more popular than 
lamps, because they give quite as soft and steady a 
light, with less heat. Rose red, white, pale yellow, 
and very delicate green shades are recommended as 
yielding the most agreeable reflection. The candles 
should be fixed firmly in the sockets of the candle- 

Four] Btnnerg ss 

sticks — ^which may be either of silver, crystal, or por- 
celain — ^with bobicbes to catch the drippings, and with 
mica protectors under the inflammable material of 
which the shades are made. Lighting the candles a 
few minutes before dinner is announced, and then, after 
a moment, carefully snuffing the wicks will ensure their 
burning steadily throughout the meal. 

Laying the Table 

A SQUARE or round table, measuring nearly or all 
of five feet across, is not at all too extensive for 
the modern dinner party, wherein at least two feet 
and a half of the circumference is allotted to the 
cover of each guest. A long narrow table never lends 
itself readily to decoration, even under the most skil- 
ful hand. In the case of a round table, if the ordinary 
family board is not large enough to accommodate the 
number of guests, a larger separate top can be made, to 
be laid on the fixed smaller one, as special occasions 

Before the cloth is laid, a thickness of felt or 
double-faced canton flannel should be placed upon 
the board ; and upon this is spread the cloth itself, of 
damask linen, large, pure white, laundered with little 
or no starch, and ironed to perfect smoothness. A hand- 
some dinner cloth falls in full, long drapery about a table, 
its four corners almost touching the floor ; and as the 
beauty of a dinner board depends largely upon the almost 
mathematical exactness with which all the furnishings 
are arranged, a good point to start from in determining 
the proper location of goblets, decanters, and so on, is 
the central crease in the cloth. This always runs the 
length of the table, dividing it exactly in half. At the 

86 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

middle point in this line the large centre doiley finds 
its proper place. A square or circular piece of fine 
napery, lace, or drawn work is best used here ; mirror 
disks and scarfs and circular pieces of linen embroidered 
in colors are no longer the mode. Occasionally a silver 
tray is placed at the centre of the table, and on it is 
set a crystal or silver bowl, or vase filled with 
flowers. But whether the doiley or the tray is 
chosen for the flat centrepiece, the flowers are still the 
chief ornament of every table. White blossoms 
and maiden-hair fern, a sheaf of gorgeous hot-house 
roses, a flat basket of orchids, a bowl of brilliantly- 
tinted sweet peas, an inexpensive dish of ferns, or a pot 
of blossoming violets are any of them appropriate, 
whether the decoration is built high or kept quite flat. 
It is the commendable taste of most hostesses to use 
pink lamp or candle shades, if pink roses have the 
post of honor, and yellow silk shades when daflFodils 
shed their radiance of color abroad. 

When the centre ornament has been artistically 
adjusted, the candlesticks or lamps are disposed about 
it. Four single sticks should form a guard of honor 
around the flowers, standing at exactly equal distances 
from each other and from the flowers. Four candles 
will thoroughly illuminate a table laid for six or eight. 
For a table of twelve persons, six sticks or two can- 
delabra, each with three or four branches, will be re- 
quired. Sometimes the candelabra are set at equal 
distances above and below the centrepiece; or one 
tall many-branched stick springs from the middle of 
the basket of flowers, while four shorter single sticks 
stand to right and left of the centrepiece. Decanters 
of wine, salt-cellars, pepper-boxes, compotiers of 

Four] Btnttet0 87 

bonbons, and platters of salted nuts are then lo- 

Individual salt-cellars and pepper-boxes are not 
often on dinner tables, but large ones stand, one of each, 
side by side, somewhere near the four corners of the 
table. The trays or compo tiers of silver, porcelain, or 
crystal, holding the nuts and sweets, are set between 
the candlesticks, or a little outside the circle of the 
candlesticks, toward the edge of the table. 

Whatever plan of laying a table is followed, care 
must be taken that one side exactly matches and 
balances the other in the number and placing of the 
various articles, in order to give it a tidy and finished 
appearance. Care should also be taken not to litter 
the board with useless objects or dishes that properly 
belong on the sideboard. Butter is not served at a 
ceremonious dinner; in fact, at the modern well- 
appointed family dinner table it does not appear. 
Celery, radishes, olives, horse radish, mustard, or any 
other relish or special seasoning, is passed from time to 
time by the servant; so also are bread and water. 
Therefore carafes and menus, favors, individual bou- 
quets of flowers, aiid groups of handsome but useless 
spoons have wisely been banished as clumsy and 

Although a table appears better balanced and more 
dignified when the host and hostess are seated directly 
opposite each other, this order of laying the covers 
must be sacrificed if, from the number of persons to be 
seated or from the shape of the table, it is necessary 
to do so in order to conform to the rule of placing 
the guests so as not to bring two ladies or two gentle- 
men side by side. 

88 Encyclopoedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Arrangement of a Cover 


HE requirements in the arrangement of a dinner 
X cover are as follows : The plate should be so 
placed that if it is decorated, the fruit or flowers of the 
decoration will be in a natural position to the eye of the 
person seated before it ; or so that if it is adorned 
with a monogram or crest, this will be right side up 
to the view of the sitter. On the plate is placed a large 
white dinner napkin, folded and ironed square, with the 
monogram corner showing, and with a dinner roll or a 
square of bread laid between the folds. To the left of 
the plate three silver forks are laid close together, the 
points of the prongs turned up. To the right of the 
plate lie two large silver-handled, steel-bladed knives 
and one small silver knife, their sharp edges turned 
toward the plate. . Beside the silver knife is laid a 
soup spoon, with its bowl turned up, and next to the 
soup spoon lies the oyster fork. Though three forks 
only are as a rule laid at the left of the plate, a hostess 
whose supply of silver is equal to almost any reason- 
able demand may add yet another or lay the covers 
with only two apiece. The addftional fourth fork 
would be for the fish and of a special shape, that is, 
shorter than the others with three flat prongs and the 
third one on the left broader than the others. If the 
fish that is to be served can easily be disposed of with- 
out the use of the small silver knife at the right of the 
plate, then this last mentioned utensil should not be 

Nearly touching the tips of the knife-blades stand 
four glasses — one a goblet, or tumbler, for water ; 
one a small, very tapering, vase-like glass, for 

Four] Sinners 89 

sherry ; one, the conventional wine-glass, for claret, and 
one very tall or very flaring for champagne. 

If sauterne or any still white wine is also to be 
served, to the list of glasses must be added one shaped 
like a tumbler^ but smaller in circumference and some- 
what taller, or one shaped like the one for claret and 
tinted a delicate green. If both still water and sparkling 
water are to be offered, the first mentioned should be 
served in stemmed goblets and the second in tumblers, 
and if whiskey and water is to be offered to any of 
the male guests, there must be provided for this clear, 
thin glass tumblers, very much taller than those used 
for the mineral water, and perfect cylinders in shape or 
flaring slightly at their tops. 

On top of the napkin lies a small gilt-edged card, 
possibly with a tiny water-color decoration in the cor- 
ner, and bearing across its length, in the hostess's hand- 
writing, the name of the person for whom the seat is 

The Menu 

WHEN the dining-room is in readiness, the 
hostess must needs as well have satisfied her- 
self that the menu she has appointed is not only well 
and carefully cooked, but selected with taste and good 
sense. Large dinners seem to require a long list of 
dishes — for eighteen persons, as many as ten or twelve 
or fourteen courses ; for eight persons, eight or nine 
courses ; six friends meeting round a hospitable board 
would be well satisfied with six courses. 

The order of a sumptuous dinner would follow this 
general routine : 

I. Shell fish — small clams or oysters, one-half 

90 Rncyclop(Bdia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

dozen for each person, laid in their shells on a bed of 
finely crushed ice. With these are offered red and black 
pepper, grated horse radish, small thin slices of buttered 
brown bread, or tiny crisp biscuit and quarters of lemon- 
1. Soup. 

3. A course of hors d'oeuvres, such as radishes^ 
celery, olives, and salted almonds. 

4. Fish, with potatoes and cucumbers, the latter 
dressed with oil and vinegar. 

5. Mushrooms or sweetbreads. 

6. Asparagus or artichokes. 

7. Spring lamb, or roast, with a green vegetable. 

8. Roman punch. 

9. Game with salad. 

10. A second entree. 

11. A rich pudding. 

12. A frozen sweet. 

13. Fresh and crystallized fruit, and bonbons. 

14. Coffee and liqueurs. 

Leaving out the third, fifth and tenth courses, a 
menu of proportions sufficiently dignified for a dinner 
of eight guests remains, while for a simple entertain- 
ment it would be enough to begin with soup, followed 
by fish, a roast, salad, ices, sweetmeats and coffee. 


WINES are a feature of the greatest importance in 
dinner-giving, and at least three kinds may be 
poured : that is to say, sherry, claret and champagne. 
For a dinner of more than eight persons, a white wine, 
sherry, claret, burgundy and champagne are provided. 
One wine, preferably claret, is poured at a small dinner. 
White wine is drunk with the first course and 

Four] Mnntt^ 


sherry with the soup ; champagne is offered with fish, 
and its glasses are replenished throughout the meal. 
Claret or burgundy comes in with the game. Sherry 
and claret are usually decanted, and the cut crystal 
and silver bottles form part of the decorative furniture 
of the table. The temperature of these liquids must 
not be below sixty degrees, and many persons pre- 
fer their claret of the same temperature as the dinmg- 
room. White wines and Burgundy are best poured 
from their bottles and served cool but certainly not 
cold. When a very fine Burgundy is poured the bottles 
are laid on their sides, each one in its small individual 
basket and for hours they are not disturbed in order 
that all the sediment may fall to the bottom, leaving 
the rich fluid exceedingly clear. The man or maid 
servant who pours this wine brings each bottle in its 
basket to the table and so handles the whole that the 
bottle may be jostled as little as possible. 

Champagne is never decanted, and must be poured 
while very cold — in fact, directly on leaving a bed of 
ice and salt in which the bottles, as a rule, are packed 
to their necks for a half hour before dinner. The 
buckets of salt and ice, holding the bottles of cham- 
pagne, are placed conveniently in the pantry, and when 
this wine is to be poured the servant deftly pulls the 
cork and wraps a fringed white napkin spirally about 
the bottle, from neck to base. This napkin absorbs 
the moisture on the bottle's surface and prevents any 
dripping. An untrained servant should never be trusted 
to pour champagne. 

Liqueurs are served with the coflFee, are decanted 
into cut or gilded glass bottles of special shape and 
drunk from very small stemmed or tumbler shaped 

92 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

glasses. All liqueurs are equally agreeable when served 
at the temperature of the drawing-room, though many 
persons prefer green mint when it is poured mto tiny 
glasses nearly filled with shaved ice. The bottles of 
liqueur and small glasses are arranged on a silver tray 
and carried after dinner into the drawing-room when 
the coffee is taken there. 


THE service of a dinner should proceed expedi- 
tiously — without haste, and yet without long 
pauses between the courses. So soon as the table is 
set, in the pantry, on the dining room buffet, or a side 
table, the extra forks, plates, knives, spoons, etc., for 
the different courses may be piled and laid, and the finger 
glasses arranged — everyone of the latter half filled 
with water in which floats a geranium leaf and one 
blossom, and set in a plate upon which is spread a lace 
or linen doily. When a dinner commences with oysters 
or clams two plates are laid at each cover an instant 
previous to the announcement that the meal is served. 
One, a deep plate, contains the shell fish laid on cracked 
ice, and this is set upon a second plate that serves no 
obvious purpose, save to protect the cloth in case the 
ice should melt and flood the first platter. 

If the dinner begins with soup each cover is laid 
with a flat plate, on which is folded a napkin holding a 
roll. These things the guests remove when they are 
seated and the servant then sets upon the first plates, 
second and deeper ones containing soup At the con- 
clusion of the soup course all the soup plates are 
removed, with the plates on which they have stood, 
and then warmed plates for the fish are distributed. 

Four] Binnetfi 


After this course a clean plate is required for each 
guest before the serving of any course begins and 
when the first three forks and knives laid at all the 
covers, have been used, fresh ones must very naturally 
be given with each plate. The servant should lay every 
plate on the cloth quietly and where there are more 
than six guests dining it is safest for the maid or butler 
to take no more than four or five plates at a time from 
the sideboard, distribute them noiselessly and then 
return to the buffet for the remainder. A question 
troubling many a hostess, is whether the clean knives 
and forks should be put on the fresh plates as they are 
laid before the guests, or whether the plates should be 
distributed first and then the knives and forks laid on 
the cloth beside them. The first course is usually 
adopted in restaurants and at hotel tables, where rapid 
service is esteemed above noiseless and deliberate 
elegance. In a private house, where servants are well 
trained, one maid distributes the plates and in her rear 
comes another, to softly lay the knives and forks in 
their proper places. Even if one maid serves the 
dinner she can proceed thus with greater rapidity and 
silence than if required to set plate, knife and fork all 
down together. 

Plates for hot courses must needs be warmed, but 
hot plates that make one's fingers tingle are an in- 
appropriate evidence of zeal. If the hostess' supply 
of china is limited, plates once used can easily 
be washed in the pantry and utilized for another 
course. The servant who waits must not be expected 
to do this ; and a warning is well given to the maid 
who washes the dishes, and generally assists in the pan- 
try, not to carelessly clash the china or create a bustle 

94 Kncycloptsdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

that cannot but painfully confuse and distract the hos- 
tess and guests. The dumb-waiter should roll up and 
down noiselessly, and a tall screen should protect the 
guests' eyes from fleeting glimpses of the pantry as the 
servant passes back and forth. 

A well-trained servant presents the dishes at the 
left hand of every guest in turn, beginning the first 
course with the lady at the right of the host, and then 
passing in regular order from gentlemen to ladies as 
they are seated. After the first course, the dishes are 
started on their progress about the table at the left 
hand of a lady, but not always with the lady seated at 
the host's right, for the same person must not invari- 
ably be left to be helped last. 

At a ceremonious dinner served a la Russe, the 
host does not carve any of the meats, none of the dishes 
are set upon the table and the hostess does not help 
her guests to anything. When a dozen or more per- 
sons are dining the serving of a course is expedited by 
dividing the wnole amount of the course on two dishes, 
which the two servants in waiting would begin to pass 
simultaneously, from opposite sides and different ends 
of the table. 

In offering a dish, it is not requisite for the servant 
to make any word of comment or invitation; when 
two wines are poured with a course the butler then men- 
tions the names of the wines, in an interrogatory 
tone, leaving the guest to make choice. U three 
servants are in attendance, the butler does not pass 
many of the dishes. His duty is to pour the wines, 
present the game and fish courses possibly, stand 
near the side table or buffet and direct his assistants 
with silent signals and covert gestures, lend a deft hand 

Four] Mnntxsi 


at any crisis, and at the conclusion of the meal, set forth 
the cigars for the gentlemen and carry the coffee in to 
the ladies in the drawing-room. 

Welcoming Guests 

A HOST and hostess receive in their drawing- 
room, and must be prepared to welcome the 
first person to arrive, advancing to meet their friends 
with cordial speeches and outstretched hands. At a 
dinner of eight, introductions can easily be made before 
the feast is announced; at a larger dinner, the host and 
hostess must see to it that every gentleman is intro- 
duced to the lady beside whom he is to sit at the table 
and take in on his arm. 

Fifteen minutes is ample time to wait for a delin- 
quent, and if there is a guest lacking a quarter of an 
hour after all the other guests have arrived, the hostess 
is privileged to order the dinner to be served. 

Order of Precedence 

WHEN dinner is announced, the host rises at 
once, offering his right arm to the lady who 
is to sit at his right. If a dinner is given in honor of a 
married couple, the host leads the way to the table 
with his guest's wife, the hostess bringing up the 
rear with that lady's husband. If there is no particu- 
larly distinguished person in the party, the host takes 
in the eldest lady, or the one who has been invited to 
the house for the first time. Relatives, or husbands 
and wives are never sent in together. There should, 
if possible, be an equal number of men and women 
guests. If, however, there are eight ladies and seven 
gentlemen, the hostess should bring up in the rear 

96 Encyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter 

walking alone ; she should never take the other arm of 
the last gentleman. 

Seating the Guests 

THERE need be no confusion in seating. Those 
persons who go into the dining-room together 
sit side by side ; and they can move gently about the 
table, discover their places by the cards bearing their 
names and lying at their respective covers. The host 
waits a moment until the ladies are seated, then the 
dinner proceeds. 

For a very large dinner, the hostess will find it 
most convenient to prepare beforehand small cards in 
envelopes, to be given the gentlemen by the butler at 
the door or in their dressing rooms. On each envelope 
is inscribed the name of the gentleman for whom it is 
intended ; on the card inside is the name of the lady 
whom he is to take in to the table. On investigating 
his card, the recipient can easily identify his table com- 
panion, and if he knows her not, can appeal to his host 
or hostess to introduce him. 

Welcoming a Delinquent 

SHOULD one or more guests arrive after the com- 
pany is seated, the hostess is expected to bow, 
smile, shake hands, and receive apologies amiably ; but 
does not rise unless the guest is a woman. The host, 
however, rises, goes forward, assists in seating the delin- 
quent, and endeavors, by making general conversation, 
to distract attention from the incident. If the arrival is 
very late, no break is made in serving, the guest being 
expected to take up the dinner at the point it has reached 
when he appears, otherwise great confusion arises. 

Four] Mnntt^ 


In Case of Accident 

IF during a dinner a guest meets with an accident, 
such as overturning a plate or breaking a glass, 
the hostess should smile amiably, in a few words set 
the individual at ease, and instantly introduce a topic 
of conversation that will direct the company's attention 
to a totally foreign subject. Prolonged protestations 
of indifference and further reference to the matter are 
in bad taste. At the end of each course, both host and 
hostess should be careful to note whether any of their 
guests are still engaged in eating, and at least simulate 
the same occupation until every one present is quite 

When the Ladies Leave the Table 

AT the conclusion of the fruit course, the hostess 
looks significantly at the lady at the right of 
her husband, and meeting her glance, nods, smiles and 
rises. At this movement the gentlemen rise as well, 
standing aside to permit the ladies to pass out toward 
the drawing-room. The doors or portieres of the door 
communicating between drawing- and dining-room are 
then closed, and the butler or waitress carries in the 
coffee tray to the ladies, following it with a tray hold- 
ing tiny glasses and decanters of various liqueurs. 

Cigars and Wine 

AFTER the ladies leave the dining-room, the 
servants pass cigars and cigarettes, with a 
lighted taper or an alcohol lamp. Ash-trays are then 
conveniently placed, and the decanters arranged near 
the gentlemen, who, as a rule, change their seats to join 

98 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

a group at the host's end of the table. The host per- 
sonally fills the glasses of his guests or invites them to 
help themselves, and push the decanters on. 

Twenty to twenty-five minutes after the ladies have 
retired, the host should propose adjourning to the 
drawing-room, permitting the gentlemen to precede 
him in leaving the dining-room. 

Bidding Guests Adieu 

HOST and hostess rise to bid departing guests 
farewell. When a lady makes a motion to 
leave, the host accompanies her to the drawing-room 
door and orders her carriage called. In behalf of a 
gentleman departing, the butler or waitress would be 
rung for, to assist the guest in finding his coat and 
assuming it, and to open the hall door. 

Such would be the etiquette for the ceremonious 
and fashionable dinner party ; and with a very few 
changes, a small and less fashionable dining would be 
conducted on precisely the same lines. There might 
be fewer servants and fewer courses, simple flowers, and 
but a quartet of intimate friends ; but this change of 
conditions necessitates but slight alteration in the method 
of arranging the table, of oflFering the food, and of wel- 
coming the guests. Finally, let it be said, at a dinner, 
whether formal or informal, whether the host carves the 
joint or does not, and whether the hostess and the other 
ladies sit with the gentlemen as they enjoy their cigars 
or do not, it still is the duty of the entertainers to take 
a prominent part in the table conversation. The 
hostess must not allow her thoughts to wander, nor 
harassing doubts to cloud her brow. She must pre- 
serve her serenity and good temper, smile at mistakes, 

Four] Binnetfi 


correct the servant in a low tone, and give close and 
flattering attention to the conversation about her. 

The Simple Dinner 

AGREEABLE and successful dinners are given with 
far less elaborate paraphernalia, menu and service 
than has been described in the foregoing pages. A hos- 
tess who possesses pretty but simple table fiirniture, 
and commands the services of but one maid and a cook 
of ordinary capabilities, should select a list of dishes 
which will not be difficult to prepare; oysters, soup, fish, 
a roast with vegetables, salad, dessert and coffee, if well 
cooked and temptingly presented, form a feast fit to set 
before a king. The fish course is completed by 
potatoes or cucumbers, or both ; the salad is possibly 
preceded by frozen punch and accompanied with game, 
and for a truly simple dinner the hostess should serve 
the soup, salad, dessert, and pour the coffee and the 
host serve the fish and carve the joint and game. 

A white cloth and centrepiece of flowers, four 
candles or dinner lamps, one decanter of red wine and 
two or four small crystal or silver platters, containing 
bonbons, olives, salted nuts and celery, are the proper 
furnishings for a board set for a party of six or eight 
persons. The covers for a simple dinner, are, with the 
exception of fewer wine glasses, arranged as for a 
fashionable and formal banquet. 

If the first course consists of oysters or clams, 
these should be set on the table as directed on page 
92. If the dinner begins with soup, the hostess 
should find, when the company enter, the filled and 
covered tureen and a pile of warm soup plates at her 
place. So soon as everyone is seated the maid removes 

loo Rncyclop^dia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the tureen cover and passes the plates of soup as her 
mistress ladles out the liquid. As it is not customary, 
except at the family dinner, to invite a guest to take a 
second helping of soup, the maid properly removes the 
tureen when the last plate has been filled and passed. 
The first plate of soup is given to the lady seated on 
the host's right hand, then to the other feminine diners, 
in the order in which they are seated, before the gentle- 
men are served. A well-instructed waitress does not 
remove the plates of any course until she sees that 
every guest has quite finished eating. The fish and 
fish plates are set before the master of the house and 
when each guest has received a portion the waitress 
passes on her tray a dish of potatoes. If cucumbers 
are to be eaten with the fish, a small glass saucer should 
be laid at the left of every cover, and then the maid 
passes to each guest a glass bowl, in which the salad 
has been prepared. 

The master of the house, at a dinner of the simpler 
sort, carves the roast, and the maid, having deposited 
the plates containing the meat before each guest, passes 
the vegetables. The dishes of vegetables never look well 
on the table. When everyone has had a helping these 
dishes should be covered, placed on the sideboard and 
perhaps passed again before the meat course is finished. 
The roast is, however, left before the carver, if it is his 
desire to invite the guests to a second helping of 

When a frozen punch is served between the roast 
and salad, the small glass cups, from which it is eaten, 
are filled in the pantry, each one is set on a dessert 
plate, on which is laid a teaspoon, and these are 
set before the guests. If game follows the punch it 

Four] Btnnerg loi 

should be carved by the master of the house and the 
salad passed by the waitress, so that each guest helps 
himself directly from the large salad bowl. As soon as 
salad is passed the bowl is put on the sideboard, and it 
is to be decided by every hostess independently whether 
the salad is to be taken on the plates containing the 
game, or whether small plates are to be set at the right 
of every guest before the salad goes around. 

When neither frozen punch or game are served the 
bowl of salad and the plates should be set before the 
hostess for serving and the maid then passes cheese 
and toasted biscuit. The hostess also serves the ice or 
pudding that forms the dessert and the waitress passes 
the platter of cakes and finally sets it on the table. 

Should claret and a white wine or one red wine 
only be served with such a meal, the host invites that 
gentleman whose hand is nearest the decanter to fill 
the glass of the lady beside him, his own, and then pass 
the decanter on. Sometimes the waitress, after she has 
served everyone to soup, fills all the wine glasses and 
places the decanter near the host, who thereafter sees 
that it is passed about at proper intervals. 

The hostess after the fish course requests her guests 
to help themselves to olives and salted nuts and to pass 
the platters containing the relishes. Later she takes 
care that the bonbons go round the table. 

If a fruit course succeeds the dessert the waitress 
places before every guest a plate on which there lies a 
doily, on this a finger bowl half full of water and beside 
the bowl a small silver knife. Then to everyone she 
offers the platter of fruit and finally places it on the 
table before her master or mistress. The coffee is 
usually brought in to the table on a tray which is set 

102 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

before the hostess, who pours the liquid and sweetens it 
to everyone's taste. 

Etiquette for the Dinner Guest 

THE first duty of the dinner guest is to arrive 
before the hostess' door on the stroke of 
the hour named in her invitation or within fifteen 
minutes thereafter. It is almost as embarrassing 
a blunder to anticipate by ten or twenty minutes the 
time indicated on the dinner cards as it is to keep the 
hostess, her delicate viands, and her presumably hungry 
guests waiting. 

If one is unavoidably detained, an earnest and brief 
apology should be offered the hostess ; and if the 
company are already seated at table, it is best, after a 
short explanation, to take the vacant seat and ignore 
the subject of the delay. 

The servant at the door usually directs the feminine 
guests to the dressing-room, where wraps are laid aside. 
If no cloak-room is arranged for the masculine diners, 
they put off their hats, coats and gloves in the hall, 
and those gentlemen who have accompanied ladies to 
the house of feasting, wait in the hall until their com- 
panions appear. The lady enters the drawing-room 
first, her husband, brother, or escort slightly in her 

Going in to Table 

AFTER greeting the host and hostess and exchang- 
ing a few words with them, it is very easy to 
pass on into the room and enter into conversation with 
friends who have already arrived. A man or woman, 
who is a stranger to every one in the room, can expect 

Four] Mnntta 


the host or hostess, unless deeply engaged with new* 
comers, to rid the situation of any awkwardness and 
difficulty by making suitable introductions. At the 
majority of dinners numbering no more than eight per- 
sons, every one is introduced ; and on the announce- 
ment that the meal is served, the hostess signifies in 
what order the entrance to the dining-room must be 
made. If she prepares small cards and envelopes, 
which the servant in the hall distributes among the 
gentlemen as they arrive, every man, slipping the card 
from the envelope that bears his name, finds written 
thereon the name of the lady he is to take in to the 
table. If he has not met the lady, he should mention 
that fact to the host or hostess, who will introduce him. 
When dinner is announced, every gentleman gives 
his left arm to the lady beside whom his lot is cast for 
the evening, and walking with her, follows the host to 
the dining-room. If name-cards are placed at every 
cover, the guests walk about the table until their seats 
are located, the gentleman draws out the lady's chair, 
waits until she is seated, and then seats himself. It is 
necessary to ceremoniously watch and see that the 
hostess is seated first. 

Etiquette at Table 

SETTLED in their chairs, the guests draw out 
the rolls from their napkins, lay the linen servi- 
ettes across their knees, and the ladies draw off their 
gloves and place them beneath the napkins. Reference 
can easily be made to the short chapter on table man- 
ners for directions as to the best methods of plying a 
knife and fork. Therefore, especially apropos of dm- 
ner parties, it need only be said here that it is in ques- 

104 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

tionable taste to help oneself very liberally to the 
courses, to comment admiringly on the food or decora- 
tions ; and it is hardly permissible to refuse a dish, or, 
at any rate, more than one, even if a weak appetite 
or the necessity of following a rigid diet prevents full 
indulgence in the delicacies provided. The safest 
course to follow, in order to avoid exciting the hostess' 
anxious curiosity or the comment of the other diners, 
is to take a little of everything on one's plate and sim- 
ulate some relish in it. 

Guests who have gone in to table together are not 
obliged to devote their conversation exclusively to each 
other. As the fruit course comes to an end and the 
hostess signals for adjournment to the drawing-room, 
every one rises. The gentlemen, pushing back their 
chairs, stand for the ladies to pass out freely from the 
table. If the servants do not open the doors, or draw 
aside the portieres, leading to the drawing-room, the 
gentleman sitting nearest them goes forward and holds 
them open until all the ladies have passed out. 

In the drawing-room, the ladies resume their gloves 
at their leisure, accepting or refusing the coffee and 
liqueurs as their preferences prompt. 

In the dining-room, the men sit at ease to smoke 
and sip their coffee and wine, drawing down near that 
end of the table at which the host is established. At 
a sign from that gentleman, cigars are put aside, and a 
general exodus from the dining-room takes place. 

When to Leave 

GUESTS are privileged to leave at any moment 
after the dinner is concluded. It is not polite 
or flattering to a host and hostess to accept their invi- 

Four] 9tnnet0 los 

tations to a ceremonious dinner and hurry away to 
meet another engagement just as the pudding or ices 
are brought on ; but in the gay season, in a big city, 
where one or two entertainments take place in an even- 
ing, a man or woman greatly in demand may linger 
but ten minutes in the drawing-room after dinner, and 
then, with explanations and adieux, go on to the next 

As a rule, however, at a dinner beginning at seven 
or half past seven o'clock, it is well to order one's 
carriage or rise to leave at ten ; at an eight o'clock 
dinner, to leave at half past ten would be most discreet, 
though this rule becomes liable to a very elastic inter- 
pretation when a dinner is made up of brilliant, con- 
genial persons, and the talk in the drawing-room is 
prolonged irresistibly until eleven. 

The lady makes the first motion at departure, 
when a husband and wife, brother and sister, or be- 
trothed couple dine at the same house. 

Taking Leave of Hostess 

NO matter how numerous the company and how 
engrossed the hostess may be, when a guest 
prepares to retire, he or she must seek their entertainer 
out and bid her adieu, with polite thanks for the hos- 
pitality enjoyed. It would be advisable to say, // 
has been a most enjoyable evenings Mrs. Blank; one 
only regrets that an end to it must come; or, / am 
under the greatest obligation to yoUy Mrs. Blanky for 
a charming evening. Or, Au revoir^ with many^ many 
thanks ; this has been a delightful occasion. 

To the host no less civil adieu would be made ; but 
having expressed thanks to his wife in the honors of 

io6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

which he is supposed to share, no such impressive, 
grateful speeches need be offered him. 

Of friends in the drawins-room and near at hand a 
guest would take formal farewell ; but to persons 
merely introduced and at a distance it would be suffi- 
cient to bow politely with a murmured good evening. 
A gentleman would cross the room, ir necessary, to 
take ceremonious leave of the lady to whom he had 
given his arm to the table — unless she was very distant 
or deep in conversation — saying. Good nighty Miss 
Blank, it has been a great pleasure to have met you. 

In kindly courtesy a lady rises and extends her 
hand to the gentleman who went to the table with her, 
saying, at least, Thank you; good night , Mr. Jones, 

Dinner Dress for Men 

FULL evening dress is the rule — black swallow- 
tail coat, trousers and waistcoat to match, or a 
waistcoat of white pique, cut open in a long graceful U 
in front, to display an immaculate expanse of stiffly- 
starched white linen, ornamented with two or three 
small pearl studs. A high white linen collar, with 
white lawn or black silk or satin bow tie, broad cuffs 
held with link-buttons, and light-weight patent-leather 
ties, or pumps, is the costume de rigueur for a dinner 
in summer or winter. The tailless dinner jacket, 
always worn with a black bow tie, is only permissible 
when dining at home without guests, or in the company 
of one or two intimates. 

In winter, to a dinner party, a top hat, a long dark 
overcoat and grey walking gloves would be worn ; 
in summer, a very light, short top coat and any com- 
fortable hat or gloves may be adopted. Gentlemen do 

Four] ' ginnerg 107 

not wear gloves in the drawing-room or dining-room 
in the event of a dinner. 

Dinner Dress for Wcmcn 

FOR women, the essential dinner costume is dicollete; 
that is, cut open about the throat and shoulders 
and short in the sleeves — else the arms are covered 
with delicate and transparent stuff. The hair is elabo- 
rately dressed, and jewels are advantageously utilized. 
For a less ceremonious dinner, a high-necked and long- 
sleeved gown is suitable, provided the dress is of a light 
color or is a rich dark silk handsomely garnished. 

Chapter FIVE 


Proper Seat at Table 

SIT erect, neither lounge back, nor reach for- 
ward to catch mouthtuls. A gentleman waits 
until his hostess is seated, whether she is a 
great lady of fashion or his mother, A seat 
drawn too close to the table throws out the 
elbows; to sit too far away from it always crooks the 
back. The proper compromise is a position in which 
the waist or chest is about eight inches from the board. 
While a meal is in progress it is both familiar and 
ungraceful to put the elbows on the table, trifle with 
the knives and forks, or clink the glasses together. 
When not actively occupied in eating, the hands should 
lie quietly in the lap, for nothing so marks the well- 
bred man or woman as a reposeful bearing at table. 

Use of Napkin 

THIS must not be spread out to its full extent 
over lap or chest, and none but the vulgarian 
tucks his napkin in the top of his waistcoat. To unfold 
it once and lay it across the knees is enough. At 
the conclusion of a meal enjoyed in a restaurant or 
at the table of a friend, it is not necessary diligently 
to fold the square of linen in its original creases and 

Cable jEannerg m 

lay it by the plate. Since that napkin will not be used 
again until it is washed, it is all-sufficient to place it 
unfolded on the table when rising. This rule is not 
followed when visiting for a day or two in a friend's 
house. Then the guest should do as the host and 
hostess do, for not in every household is a fresh napkin 
supplied at every meal. 

Knife and Fork 

THE knife is invariably held in the right hand 
and is used exclusively for cutting and never 
for conveying food to the mouth. The fork is shifted 
to the right hand when the knife is laid aside, and save 
for small vegetables, such as peas, beans, etc., it is not 
utilized spoonwise for passing food to the mouth. 

It is an evidence of careless training in table 
manners to mash food in between the prongs of the 
fork, to turn the concave side of the fork up and, 
loading it with selections from different foods on the 
plate, to lift the whole, shovel-wise, to the mouth. 

No less reprehensible is it to hold knife and fork 
together in the air when the plate is passed up to the 
host or hostess for a second helping, or, when pausing 
in the process of eating, to rest the tip of the knife and 
fork on the plate's edge and their handles on the cloth. 
When not in active service both these untensils must 
remain resting wholly on the plate, and at the conclu- 
sion of a course they should be placed together, their 
points touching the centre of the plate, their handles 
resting on the plate's edge. 

Not only fish, meats, vegetables and made dishes, 
but ices and frozen puddings, melons, and salads as 
well, are eaten with a fork. Oysters and clams, lobster 

no Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

and terrapin are fork foods, and it is a conspicuous error 
in the ethics of good manners and epicureanism to cut 
lettuce, chickory, etc., with a knife. Lettuce leaves are 
folded up with the fork and lifted to the mouth. 

Use of the Spoon 

NEVER allow a spoon to stand in a coffee, tea 
or bouillon cup while drinking from it. For 
beverages served in cups and glasses it is enough 
to stir the liquids once or twice, sip a spoonful or 
two to test the temperature and then, laying the 
spoon in the saucer, to drink the remainder directly 
from the cup. To dip up a spoonful of soup and blow 
upon it, in order to reduce the temperature, is a habit that 
should be confined to nursery days. And in taking 
soup it is best to dip it up with an outward motion 
rather than by drawing the spoon toward one. 

Liquids are imbibed from the side, not the end, 
of the spoon. 

The foods eaten with a spoon are grape fruit and 
fruit salads, small and large fruits when served with 
cream, hot puddings and custards, jellies, porridges and 
preserves and hard or soft boiled eggs. In England 
boiled eggs are eaten from the shell and it is an amazing 
sight to the well-bred English man or woman to see an 
American break an egg into a glass. Nevertheless on 
this side the water we prefer our eggs broken in 
glasses and see nothing reprehensible in the act 

Use of Finger Bowl 

A FINGER bowl is the necessary adjunct to a 
fruit course. The bowl, half filled with water 
in which a fragrant leaf or blossom floats, is set upon a 

Five] Cable jWlannetg iii 

plate, on which a small doily lies. Unless a second 
plate is served with the fruit, that on which the bowl of 
water stands is intended to receive it. Then the bowl 
and doily must be removed a little to one side and the 
former placed upon the latter. When the fruit is fin- 
ished each hand in turn must be dipped in the water, 
not both together as though the bowl were a wash 
basin. A little rubbing together of the finger tips, 
without stirring up or splashing the water about, 
cleanses them thoroughly and they must be dried with 
the napkin on the knees. The flowers in the bowl 
may be taken out and pinned in the front of the gown 
or on the coat lapel. 

Noiseless and Deliberate Eating 

TO eat slowly and quietly is an evidence of respect 
for one's health and personal dignity. Only 
the underbred or uneducated bolt their food, strike 
their spoon, fork or glass rim against their teeth, suck 
up a liquid from a spoon, clash knives and forks 
against their plates, scrape the bottom of a cup, plate 
or glass in hungry pursuit of a last morsel, and masti- 
cate with the mouth open, pat the top of a pepper pot 
to force out the contents and drum on a knife-blade in 
order to distribute salt on meat or vegetables. 

Conversation and small mouthfuls are aids to di- 
gestion and it is a useless and ugly exertion to smack 
the lips together when chewing. 

Individual salt-cellars are not commonly used to- 
day. A well-arranged dinner, breakfast or luncheon 
table is provided instead with two or more large stands 
filled with salt. A helping from one of these 
should be taken with the small salt-spoon and placed 

112 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

on the edge of the plate and not upon the cloth beside 
the plate. To thrust one's knife-point into the large 
salt-dish is vulgar in the extreme. When distributing 
salt upon food it is not necessary to take a pinch be- 
tween thumb and forefinger : a little taken up on the 
knife's point, or whatever will adhere to the fork prongs, 
is enough to savor the whole of any helping of food 
on the plate. 

A last and elusive morsel of food should never be 
pursued about a plate and finally pushed upon the fork 
by the assisting touch of a finger. A bit of bread may 
be utilized for this purpose or, better still, the knife, if 
it is at hand. 

A mouthful of meat, vegetable or dessert should 
never be taken up by fork or spoon and held in mid- 
air while conversation is carried on. As soon as food is 
lifted from the plate it should be put into the mouth. 

Accidents at Table 

MISHAl^S will overtake the best regulated diner, 
who, however, when anything flies from the 
plate or lap to the floor, should allow the servant to pick 
it up. Should grease or jelly drop from the fork to 
one's person, then to remove the deposit with the nap- 
kin corner is the only remedy. 

How often, oh how often! does the apparently 
well-conducted man or woman, when such an accident 
befalls, gravely wipe his or her knife on a bit of bread 
or the plate's edge and heedfuUy scrape away at the 
oflfending morsel. This is decidedly the wrong way 
to do it, just as it is an egregious error thoughtfully to 
scrape up a bit of butter or fragment of fowl from the 
tablecloth where it has fallen beside the plate. At 

Five] Cable jWlannetg ^^ 

the femily board t)iis is well enough, but to do so at 
a restaurant or a friend's table is wholly unnecessary. 

If an ill -starred individual overturns a full wine or 
water glass at a dinner table, profuse apologies are out 
of place. To give the hostess an appealing glance 
and say: Pray forgive me^ I am very awkward^ or, 
/ must apologize for my stupidity^ this is quite unfor- 
giveabUy I fear^ is enough. 

Should a cup, glass or dish be broken through 
carelessness, then a quick, quiet apology can be made 
and within a few days sincere repentance indicated by 
forwarding the hostess, if possible, a duplicate of the 
broken article and a contrite little note. 

A serious and unpleasant accident is that of taking 
into the mouth halt done, burning hot, or tainted 
foods and the one course to pursue is quickly and 
quietly to eject the fearful morsel on the fork or 
spoon, whence it can quietly be laid on the plate, or 
into a corner of the napkin. This can be so deftly 
accomplished that none need suspect the state of affairs 
and the napkin folded over and held in the lap 
throughout the meal. 

Foods Eaten With the Fingers 

AT luncheon, breakfast, high tea, or supper, a 
small plate and silver knife lie beside the larger 
plate and on this the breads offered niust be laid — not 
on the cloth, and the small silver knife — not the large 
steel-bladed ones — used for spreading the butter. At 
dinners, the roll in the napkin is taken out and laid on 
the cloth at the right beside the plate. Never bite off 
mouthfuls of bread from a large piece nor cut it up : 
break it as needed in pieces the size of a mouthful. 

114 Rn cyclopedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

spread on a bit of butter^ if that is provided, and so 
transfer with the fingers to the mouth. 

Crackers are eaten in the same way. Celery, 
radishes, olives, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, bonbons, 
all raw fruits (save berries, melons and grape fruit), 
artichokes and corn on the cob, are finger foods, so to 

Cake is eaten after the manner in which bread is 
disposed of, or with a fork. 

Peaches are quartered, the quarters peeled, then 
cut in mouthfuls and these bits transferred with the 
fingers to the lips. Apples, pears and nectarines are 
similarly treated. Plums, grapes, etc., if small enough, 
are eaten one by one and when the pits are ejected they 
are dropped from the lips directly into the half closed 
hand and so transferred to the plate. 

Burr artichokes are broken apart leaf by leaf, the 
tips dipped in sauce and lifted to the mouth. The 
heart is cut and eaten with a fork. 

Cheese is cut in bits, placed on morsels of bread or 
biscuit and lifted in the fingers to the lips. 

Oranges, like green corn on the cob, are hardly 
susceptible of graceful treatment. An orange may be 
cut into four pieces; the skin then easily drawn off, the 
seeds pressed out, and each quarter severed twice, forms 
a suitable mouthful. Deliberately to peel and devour 
an orange, slice by slice, is a prolonged and ungraceful 

Is it necessary to reiterate the warning of all writers 
and teachers on this subject, that chicken, game and 
chop bones may under no circumstances be taken up in 
the fingers ? Whoever is so unskilful as to fail to cut 
the larger part of the meat from chop and fowl bones 

Five] Cable iEanners "s 

must sufFer from their inadeptness and forego the 
enjoyment of the tempting morsels. 

Asparagus is not taken up in the fingers. All that 
is edible of the stalk can be cut from it with a fork, and 
the sight of lengths of this vegetable, dripping with 
sauce and hoisted to drop into the open mouth, is not 
in keeping with decent behavior at tne modern dinner 

The Second Helping 

AT a large and formal dinner party, elaborate 
luncheon, or ceremonious breakfast, a guest, no 
matter how intimately associated at the house where the 
dinner is given, should not ask for a second helping to 
any of the dishes. At a small dinner party, when a 
guest is a rather intimate friend of host or hostess, the 
request for a second helping to a dish is accepted by 
the hostess as a compliment. At a formal feast, 
neither host nor hostess should delay the progress of 
the courses by asking anyone at their board to taste 
again of a dish that has been passed, but at a small 
dmner or a family dinner it displays hospitable solici - 
tude for a hostess to invite her guest to take a second 
helping. At a small dinner party she could do this by 
directing the servant to again pass the dish to every one 
at table, or, when herself helping an entree, salad or 
dessert, request her guests to accept a second serving 
of the dish before her. The host who carves does well 
to offer a little more of the meat to those who he sees 
have disposed of their first helping. To press a second 
slice of meat or second spoonful of dessert upon a 
guest who politely acknowledges that his or her appe- 
tite is quite satisfied, is to exceed the bounds of civility. 

ii6 Encyclopaedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

A guest is always privileged to ask for a second or 
third glass of water at a dinner that is formal or in- 
formal, and this must be done by making the request 
quietly of the servant when next she approaches the 
diner's chair. At a formal dinner the butler or maid 
who pours the wine replenishes the glasses from time 
to time ; toward the latter part of a dinner the cham- 
pagne glasses are refilled as they may need it, and 
a host or hostess should, when noting a cham- 
pagne glass that has been emptied, in an undertone 
order the servant to fill it again. This is the rule, 
because guests at a large and ceremonious dinner never 
ask for a second helping of wine. If a second glass of 
wine is not desired, the guest need only say to the ser- 
vant Noy thank yoUy or lift the right hand in an in- 
conspicuous gesture of refusal. At an informal dinner 
the host is privileged to invite a guest to help himself 
to the wine that is on the table, and recommend certain 
brands as particularly good. Again, a guest who is a 
good friend of the host or hostess may help himself 
without invitation from a decanter near at hand, but a 
lady would never do this. She waits for a gentleman 
beside her or for the servant to fill her glass. 

At the Conclusion of a Meal 

WHEN a meal is concluded it is most reprehen- 
sible to push away the last plate used and 
brush the crumbs on the cloth into little heaps. Leave 
the last plate in its place, lift the napkin from the lap 
and lay it on the table's edge, and rise slowly and 
quietly, taking no precaution to push the chair back 
into place, unless dining at home or informally at a 
friend's house, where such is the rule. The ladies at a 

Five] Cab le fija nntt^ "? 

dinner or at the family table make the first motion to 
leave the table ; a gentleman always stands aside to let a 
woman precede him,and it is only courteous to wait until 
everyone at a table has finished eating before hurrying 
away. This rule is of course not observed at a boarding 
house or small foreign hotel where all the members of a 
promiscuous household gather at one long board, but 
It should be scrupulously observed in a private house- 
hold. In the latter circumstances when any diner or 
breakfaster is obliged to leave the table before others 
have finished, it is but polite to turn to the mother, or 
whoever occupies the head of the board, and say, / teg 
you will excuse me^ before rising and, Thank yoUy when 
the permission is granted. None but the hopeless 

Erovmcial and vulgarian uses a toothpick in public after 
is or her meal. 


Chapter SIX 


The Invitations 

WHEN a hostess purposes to give a 
ball, she issues her invitations some- 
times as early as twenty days before 
the date fixed upon, and never later 
than ten days before. For a sum- 
mer evening dance or half impromptu party, the guests 
may be bidden on much shorter notice. 

For large and elaborate balls, whether public or 
private, and given at any season of the year, the invi- 
tations are engraved on white letter sheets, or on large, 
heavy, white Bristol board cards. Script or block let- 
tering is preferred to fancy types. As a rule, the let- 
ters R. s. V. p. are not placed on ball invitations, 
especially when the entertainment is private ; yet some 
hostesses of undoubted taste and judgment do still 
continue to ask in this manner for an answer to their 
offers of hospitality, and there are excellent arguments in 
favor of the retention of this reminder of a social duty. 
When for any reason engraved invitations are not 
to be had, they may be wntten, in a clear hand, on 
sheets of white or gray note paper, and worded exactly 
like those that are engraved. 

A written invitation is forwarded by post or mes- 
senger, sealed, and under cover of one envelope. An 
engraved invitation, if delivered by a messenger, is also 



sent under a sinele cover. If the same invitation is 
posted, it is put into two envelopes ; the first bears the 
name only of the person for whom it is intended and 
is left unsealed; and the second is sealed and bears 
the recipient's full name and address. 

It is not necessary to say specifically in the invita- 
tion that the entertainment is to be a ball, since the 
object of the evening's gathering is indicated with 
suflicient clearness by the word " dancing " in one cor- 
ner of the sheet or card. The following are the forms 
of invitation now most followed and best approved, 
whether the invitations are engraved or written : 

Mrs. Samuel Brown 

Miss Brown 

At Home 

Widneidajy January the thirty-first 

at ten o'clock 
Dancing 5 Fern Terrace 

Cotillon after twelve 0^ clock. 

or this 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure of your company 

on Friday evening, January the third 

at half after nine o'clock. 
R, i, V, p, Blythwood. 

Not infrequendy at the foot of an at home card 
are placed the words " dancing at eleven," and this 

120 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

means that the guests are expected at nine or half past, 
or whatever hour the invitation specifies, but some 
special program of music or the like will occupy the 
evening until eleven, after which time there will be 
dancing for such of the company as desire it. 

When the cotillon alone is to fill an entire evening, 
the following form is gracefully used: 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure of 

company on Monday evenings March the first 

at ten o* clock 

Twenty Green Park^ West 

For a dinner dance— not an uncommon function 
in society — the hostess issues two different sets of in- 
vitations; one to the eight, twelve or twenty-four per- 
sons whom she wishes first to entertain at dinner, and 
these would be her regular engraved dinner cards with 
the words dancing at eleven written in the lower left- 
hand corner ; and one to those whom she wishes to 
ask in for the dancing only, and these would be her 
regular at home cards with dancing at eleven written 
in the lower left-hand corner. Or for less formality, 
she uses in place of the latter, the ordinary joint visit- 
ing card ot herself and husband or of herself and 
daughter, and writes in the lower left-hand corner : 

Dancing at ten^thirty 
January the eleventh 

X. #• v« /. 

Six] 3Ball0 


This last — the joint visiting card, with the day and 
date of the proposed entertainment inscribed with pen 
and ink in one corner — is a very popular form of invita- 
tion with hostesses who are fond of giving small and 
informal dancing parties in town or in the country, and 
it has in a degree usurped the place of the written in- 
vitation in the third person and also of the little note 
inviting a few young men and young women in to 
dance and partake ot very simple refreshment. 

Invitations for Debut Ball 

WHEN a ball is to be the occasion of introducing 
a young lady into society, either the first or the 
second of the forms given above may be appropriately 
used. If the second is adopted, then a calling card of 
the young lady who is to receive her introduction is 
enclosed with each invitation. Another form of in- 
vitation sometimes adopted when presenting a de- 
butante is this: 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure 
of introducing their daughter 

Annie Folwill 

on Friday evening^ January the third 
at half afier nim o* clock 


Ill Encyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

Costume Balls 

IN case the ball is one at which special costumes are 
to be worn, the invitations should take some 
such form as the following: 

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

request the pleasure of 

company on Thursday evenings November the first 

at ten o'clock 

Bal Poudre 20 Green Parky West. 

or this 
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King 

At Home 

Thursday evenings November the first 

at ten o'clock 

20 Green Parky West 
Costume of the XVIIIth Century. 

Invitations for Subscription Balls 

FOR subscription balls held in hotel drawing- 
rooms an acceptable form of invitation is this — 
engraved in script upon a large white letter sheet: 

Six] Ball0 

TTitf pleasure of 


company is requested at the 

First Assembly 
at The Hotel Royal 
on Wednesday evenings December the fifth 
from nine until two 0^ clock. 

Mrs. Fremont Mrs. Rolands 

Mrs. fVilson Mrs. Zachary 

Invitations like this, with " vouchers," are issued in 
numbers agreed upon to the several subscribers and 
patronesses, who in turn distribute them among the 
limited number of friends to whom it is their privilege 
to extend the hospitalities of the occasion. The 
^' vouchers ** are small additional cards designed as safe- 
guards against the intrusion of persons not really in- 
vited and also against the sometimes rather reckless hos- 
pitality of over-generous subscribers, who, unless held in 
bounds, will presume to invite a larger number of their 
friends than the compact of the association allows. 

The " vouchers " frequently take this form : 

First Assembly 

GentlemerCs Voucher 


on Wednesday evening^ December the fifth 
Compliments of 

124 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

First Assembly 

Ladies^ Voucher 


on Wednesday evenings December the fifth 
Compliments of 

In finally bestowing the invitations, the individual 
subscriber encloses with the invitation and the accom- 
panying voucher his own visiting card. Sometimes the 
use of the voucher is ob\dated by sending out a large 
card worded as follows : 

T^be Second Cotillion 

The pleasure of your company is requested 

on Monday evening^ April the eighth 

at nine o* clock 

The Glee Club Rooms 

Leroy Avenue 
Please present this card at the door. 

Sometimes for a subscription ball, instead of invi- 
tations distributed by individual subscribers, a com- 
mittee or board of directors make up a list of the 
guests whose company is desired and send to them on 
a large card or letter sheet an invitation in the follow- 
ing form : 

Six] Balls 


The pleasure of 

company is requested at 

The Bachelors' Ball 

at Peabody Hall 

on Monday evenings March the fourth 

at eleven 0^ clock 

K, i. V. p. 10 
The Committee Bachelors* Ball 
Somerset Club 
Tivet've West Boule*vard 

If engraved on a letter sheet, the invitation appears 
on the first outer face, and then, in two or three lines 
on the second inner face the names of the gentlemen 
who give the ball are listed. 

When the engraving is done on a large square card, 
the names of the hosts of the occasion are listed on the 
reverse of the card or on a second equally large and 
heavy Bristol board square. 

Invitations to Public Balls 

IN the event of a public ball given for no other 
purpose than the entertainment of the friends of 
the hospitable association concerned, the invitations 
will be fittingly cast in the following form : 

126 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Hie honor of your company 
is requested at the 

Hunt Ball 

to be given at the Manor House 

on Tuesday y November the eleventh 

at nine o'clock 

The Red Rock Hunt Qub 

If the invitation is engraved on letter sheets, under 
the invitation proper may follow first a list of ladies 
who will receive the guests and then the names of the 
gentlemen forming the floor committee. 

For the public ball, to which admission is gained 
only by the presentation of purchaseable tickets, the 
invitations are engraved on very large letter sheets or 
extensive cards ; and though varied are the phrases in 
which the festivity may be advertised the example below 
illustrates a simple and frequently employed form ; 

i860 1900 

The pleasure of your company is 
requested at the 

Annual Charity Ball 

To be given at the Park Hotel on 

Wednesday evening 

fanuary the fourth ^ at nine o'clock 
Cards of admission Tnvo Dollars 
Oh sale at the 
Park Hotel and homes of the Patronesses 

Six] BSallfii 


Below the invitation and on the same page with it, 
or on the second inside page, are usually given the 
names and addresses of the ladies who volunteer to sell 
the tickets, followed by the names of the directors and 
committees upon whom rests the management of the 

Duties of a Hostess 

IN &shionable society a ball is an elaborate evening 
function exclusively for the enjoyment of dancing. 
A party is either a dance beginning rather earlier in the 
evening than a ball and concluding not long after mid- 
night, and requiring less formality of demeanor and 
less elegance of dress and a very simple supper; or 
a dinner occupies the fore part of an evening, fol- 
lowed by dancmg that continues only until midnight. 

A hostess, in sending out invitations for a ball, 
should carefully consider what dancing space she will 
have at her disposal, whether the ehtertamment is to 
be given in her own house or in a hotel suite rented 
for the occasion. To crowd a small, narrow, ill-venti- 
lated drawing-room with dancers is a grievous mistake, 
for in such circumstances the guests can find no enjoy- 
ment in the chief amusement of the evening, and the 
hostess herself will suffer the humiliating disappoint- 
ment of having had her trouble for her pains and 
pleased nobody in her hospitable endeavor. Too 
often a well-meaning lady commits this same un- 
fortunate error through fear of offending some of her 
friends, who, she is confident, expect an invitation to 
her house, and will doubtless feel themselves sorely in- 
jured if their claims upon her are ignored. It is, now- 
evcr, better to be misunderstood by a few over-sensitive 

128 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

souls than to incommode everybody concerned. One 
way out of a predicament of this nature is to hire a 
couple of ample salons in a hotel or other public build- 
ing and transform them for the occasion into handsome, 
comfortable, private ball-rooms. In the fashion- 
able society of London and New York this course is 
adopted by hostesses of the most exalted position, in 
spite of the fact that it is regarded with less favor 
by continental Europeans. And in splendor and dig- 
nity no house balls can exceed some of the famously 
beautiful and successful entertainments given at Del- 
monico's and the Waldorf-Astoria on Fifth Avenue, 
and at the Hotel Cecil on the Thames Embankment. 
But when for any reason this course is not open, and a 
hostess is confronted with the problem of entertaining 
a circle of acquaintances clearly beyond the capacity of 
her own small parlors, she will make no mistake in 
dividing her efforts. Two small dances will please 
better than one unpleasant crush. It is impossible to 
give advice as to who, in such a case, should be in- 
vited to the first of the two ; but it may be said that 
no hostess should venture at all on so difficult a task 
as that of giving a ball unless she can count on the 
acceptance of her invitations by a quota of dancing 
men sufficient for her list of young women, which is at 
least nine men to eight women. 

Whether a ball is given in the hostess' own house 
or in a suite of rooms rented by her for the occasion, 
the especial requisites for the comfort and pleasure of 
the guests may be enumerated as follows : an awning 
and carpet extending from street to door if possible, 
this, though, only in the event of a very fashionable 
ball in a city ; ventilation so arranged that the tempera- 

Six] Balls 


ture of halls, ball-room and dining-room will not rise 
above seventy-eight degrees or fall hr below seventy 
degrees ; lights sufficient, but not glaring, that jut from 
the walls or hang from the ceiling ; and, finally, a level, 
easy floor. 

Chaperons and Chaperonage 

ONE knotty point, too frequently left heedlessly 
unsolved by the giver or a dance, concerns the 
issuing of invitations to the parents of young ladies. 
Now, the hostess has always the right to regard herself 
as the accredited chaperon of any unmarried woman 
guest ; and the conclusion generally arrived at is that 
the mothers of grown-up daughters are hardly likely to 
desire invitations to dances, or to look forward with 
pleasure to a long evening spent sitting bolt upright 
m their chairs against the wall of an over-heated ball- 
room. In consequence, the American hostess ignores 
the mother of the young girl whom she bids to a dance 
at her house ; and this is not a reprehensible conclusion 
when the festivity proposed is a small and early affair, 
given in the hostess' own drawing-room. She can 
reel assured that the young ladies invited will enjoy 
her own careful chaperonage, and to line a drawing- 
room, on the occasion ofa Cinderella or half impromptu 
aflfkir, with sober-sided, yawning, elderly ladies is to 
promote nobody's welfare or pleasure. 

The circumstance of a very large ball, given in a 
hotel suite, alters the case, however, and especially if 
the ball takes place in a city and a debutante is asked. 
.it would be most indiscreet then not to invite her 
mother. When two daughters from a family are asked 
to such a ball, it is still necessary to invite the mother ; 

130 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

and in New York, Philadelphia and other large cities, 
the hostess whose social conduct is regulated by the 
most careful etiquette, invariably asks the mothers, 
leaving it to those ladies to accept or not as they choose. 
As a rule a mother whose dancmg days are over, either 
regrets for herself in answer to the invitation and sends 
her daughter to the ball under the care of a maid ser- 
vant, or else she accompanies her daughter to the fes- 
tive scene, remains for a while looking on and then 
leaves early in the evening, after recommending her 
child to the care of the hostess or some one of the 
chaperons who intends to sit the revelries out. Thus 
the hostess has performed her courteous duty and at 
the same time escapes the danger of having her rooms 
over-crowded by elderly ladies, who occupy a chair but 
no visibly important or interesting mission. 

Inviting Strangers 

HERE a word may be appropriately said apropos 
of the requests a hostess frequently receives 
from friends for invitations to strangers ; that is, invi- 
tations for friends of her friends. There is no reason, 
save her own good nature, why she should extend her 
list of guests. If it is contrary to her pleasure or con- 
venience to do so, she can gracefully excuse herself to 
the petitioners, on the plea that her list is already made 
up or that the size of her rooms will not permit her to 
add another person to the number expected. If the 
privilege of bringing an extra guest is preferred verbally, 
she can readily say, / am so sorry y hui not one of my 
invitations has so far been declined^ and having already 
exceeded the bounds of comfortable accommodation in my 
housCy I do not feel that it would be a compliment y nor quite 

Six] Ballfi 


fair to those already invited^ to add another guest. On 
the other hand, permission may be accorded thus — 
By all means. I shall be very glad to see your friend. 
All my engraved invitations have been posted; but I will 
leave my cards on your guest to-morrow j and I hope she 
will overlook the short notice and a verbal invitation and 
come with you. 

If the request is made in writing, an answer, in either 
the negative or affirmative, may be written in some- 
what the form of one or other of the following : 


June ist^ ig — . 
Dear Miss Mathews: 

By all means bring Miss Tuckerman with you on the tenth ; 
we shall be delighted to see her. My engraved cards have quite 
given outy else I would send her one in due form. Mary^ how- 
ever y will call at once and repeat my invitation. 

Cordially yours ^ 

Mary Moore. 

J 6 Port man Street^ 

January 22nd^ 7p — , 
Dear Miss Wharton: 

It would give me great pleasure to include your friends among 
my guests for the fourth ^ hut I fear that as it is my rooms will be 
sadly over-crowded^ so universal have been the acceptances to our 

Tou will therefore forgive my refusal to respond more hosph 
tably to your request. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Celestine R. IFiUis. 

132 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chaptci 

It would be difficult, almost impossible, for the 
giver of a ball to refuse a petition for an invitation for 
a near relative or the betrothed of the person making 
the request. But almost in any other circumstance a 
refusal may be made readily and without embarrass- 

Where a matron is a newcomer in her neighbor- 
hood, or for any other reason is not widely known 
there, and yet is desirous, say, for the sake of young 
daughters or in order to honor a friend who is stopping 
at her house, to give a ball, one way of securing guests 
is legitimately open to her. This is a visiting list 
loaned by a friend who possesses a wide and powerful 
acquaintance in the neighborhood and is ready to stand 
sponsor for the entertainment. When an arrangement 
of this nature is entered into, the hostess prepares her 
invitations according to any one of the modes given in 
the beginning of this chapter, and posts, in the envel- 
ope of each invitation a visiting card of her influential 
friend. By this the recipients of the invitations un- 
derstand that the person whose card is enclosed 
is introducing the giver of the ball. The lady, who 
thus lends her visiting list and countenance to further 
a friend's social aims, is unfailingly asked to assist in 
receiving on the occasion of the ball, and, standing at 
the side of the hostess, introduces the guests as they 

The Ball Room Floor 

A WELL- LAID polished hardwood floor is the 
most delightful surface for gliding feet; and 
paraffine wax, or even a sprinkling of corn meal, will 
give an admirable smoothness, if the wood seems 

Six] Ballfii 


sticky or hard. An uneven plank floor, with wide 
cracks, or one covered with matting or carpet, is the 
most diflicult in the world for modern dancmg, and it 
behooves the hostess of a festive occasion to do every- 
thing in her power to remedy any such defects. The best 
and easiest way to secure a level, easy dancing surface 
without removing carpets or going to any unnecessary 
expense, is to lay either on the bare floor, or over the 
Japanese matting, or deep-piled Wilton, or whatever 
covering it may commonly wear, a thickness of heavy 
upholsterer's paper, and on this stretch a covering of 
the heaviest unbleached cotton cloth. If the cover is 
laid on a Brussels or ingrain carpet, one layer of the 
cotton cloth, without any paper, will be quite sufllicient 
to insure a good surface. The cloth must be drawn 
perfectly smooth. For this use, the cotton cloth is 
superior to the old-fashioned linen drugget. 

Seats in a ball-room should be placed close against 
the walls, and there should be an abundance of chairs 
in the halls and other rooms, preferably light folding- 
chairs, which the guests can place as they please. 

Decorations of flowers and greenery, of course, add 
to the beauty of such an entertainment, but they are 
not absolutely requisite. 


THE music may be whatever the hostess herself 
prefers or is best able to provide. For a small 
dance a piano often sufllices ; but if it is accompanied 
by a harp and two violins, or by a banjo and guitar, a 
better effect is secured. At handsome and fashionable 
balls a full-stringed orchestra is employed; and usually 
it is placed behind palms in a hallway, whence the 

134 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

music is clearly heard^ but where the musicians are 
not seen. 


DANCE programmes are still very much in vogue 
for large entertainments ; and either a card with 
gilt edges, or a small sheet of bristol board folded once, 
is provided, and also a small pencil, attached to the 
card or sheet by a silk cord or ribbon. They either 
are placed in the dressing-rooms convenient for the 
guests to help themselves, or are offered by a servant 
from a silver tray as the guests enter the ball-room. 

The Dressing Rooms 

CLOAK-ROOMS or dressing-rooms are necessary 
conveniences for both men and women at 
dances, large or small. A maid servant, in waiting in 
the room set aside for the use of the ladies, renders 
effectual aid in relieving them of wraps and assisting in 
any renovations of the toilet. When one of the family 
bed-rooms is utilized for this purpose, the dressing- 
table should be completely furnished, adequate lights 
supplied, with smelling-salts at hand and a work basket 
within reach for a possible timely stitch. When the roll 
of guests runs as high as a hundred, numbered checks 
for identifying wraps will simplify matters greatly. 

In the cloak-room for the men, which should be 
no less well-equipped, cigars, brandy, and sparkling 
waters are sometimes served by a generous host, and 
sometimes there is a separate smoking-room set aside 
for the use of the masculine guests. Many wise host- 
esses, though, regard these latter provisions as tending 
too much to withdraw and detain the men from her 

Six] ^Ballfii 


dancing-saloti ; and, therefore, by them only the spark- 
ling waters are provided, and the young gentlemen are 
left to furnish their own tobacco. 


FOR a ball in the city, a man servant, in a carriage 
groom's livery, is stationed at the entrance of the 
canvas-covered way before the house. His office is to 
open carriage doors and give numbered checks to the 
guests as they arrive and to their coachmen for the 
identification of carriages ; and when the ball is over, to 
summon the carriages by their respective numbers and 
assist the guests into them. Stationed inside the hall 
door is a second man, in butler's evening livery, whose 
duty it is not only to admit the guests, but to direct 
the gentlemen and ladies to their respective dressing- 
rooms. But for less pretentious affairs, than those 
given in our large cities in the height of the season, an 
awnine and a man on duty on the side walk are not 
essential ; and a maid servant in a black gown, white 
apron, and white cap can adequately serve at the hall- 

At a ball it is optional with the hostess whether or 
not her guests shall be announced, as at an afternoon 
reception. As a rule this formality is dispensed with. 

The Buffet Supper 

VERY few hostesses, in this day and generation, are 
willing or able to cope with the task of serving 
any but a buffet supper when giving a ball. For the 
service of such a supper the dining-room is brilliantly 
lighted, the chairs are arranged agaiast the wall, and 
the table is adorned with flowers and laden with baskets 

136 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

of cakes and sandwiches, trays of bonbons, platters of 
fruit, moulds of jellied meats, and dishes of meat 
salads. On the sideboard, fringed napkins, forks, 
knives, cups and saucers, plates and glasses are placed 
in abundance. Then, at eleven or twelve o'clock, the 
doors of the dining-room are opened without announce- 
ment and the guests go in and out as they please, 
choosing whatever refreshments they wish. Although 
the gentlemen aid in supplying the wants of the ladies, 
three or four maids or men servants must be in attend- 
ance, to serve from the pantry any special dishes that 
may have been prepared and to see that the needs of 
no guest are neglected. For a ball given in winter 
divers hot dishes are customary, such as creamed oysters 
with warm finger-rolls ; some preparation of lobster — a 
la Newburg, or in the form of breaded chops ; tim- 
bales of meat or fish; terrapin, chicken croquettes, 
minced meat and fi&h or mushrooms in pastry shells. 
As a rule, it is all sufficient at a ball if the menu con- 
sists of one hot dish, a salad, ices, sandwiches and rolls, 
fruit, bonbons, hot coffee or chocolate, and punch. A 
hungry guest can honor every course or taste but one 
dainty, and the warm food, ices and coffee are ordinarily 
served in the pantry, and then, set on large trays, are 
carried about the dining-room by serving men or maids, 
who offer them to the guests as they enter the room, 
along with the proper accompaniment of napkins, forks, 
spoons, etc. 

In the cities where there are accomplished caterers, 
a member of society, who purposes to give a ball, 
merely indicates, to the head of the establishment she 
patronizes, the number of guests expected, gives him a 
general outline of what she would like to have served. 

Six] Balls 


and entrusts the whole matter to him. He supplies 
all the extra dishes and servants needed, and prepares 
the refreshments according to the instructions given 
him ; and a head butler sees that the service in the 
dining-room is prompt and adequate. The caterer also 
suppheS) if desired, a number of folding canvas chairs 
for the use of the guests, who are left to satisfy the 
cravings of hunger by eating as they stand, or by find- 
ing seats and using their knees as impromptu tables. 
Throughout the evening a table, placed conspicuously 
somewhere near the drawing-room, supports a bowl of 
iced punch or lemonade and a tray of small glasses 
with handles. At the punch-bowl a servant is stationed 
to serve the thirsty dancers and to see that the supply 
of clean glasses is always equal to the demand. In ad- 
dition to the punch, not infrequently champagne is 
poured in the dining-room, a skilful man servant giv- 
mg his attention to the proper icing of the wine in the 
pantry, to opening the bottles, and filling and passing 
a tray loaded with brimming glasses of the sparkling 

For a dance in the country or in a small town, 
where the assistance of a caterer is unattainable or not 
desired, the buffet supper is still the easiest means of 
serving a number of guests, and a hostess, with one or 
two capable maid servants, is equal to the demands apt 
to be made upon her hospitality. She can place her 
bowl of mild iced punch or lemonade on a table in the 
hall, leaving the guests to help themselves, and only 
taking care that a servant at intervals clears away the 
glasses that have been used and replaces theni with 
fresh ones. The dining-room should be arranged as 
directed in the preceding paragraph. For a dance in 

138 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

summer in the country hot dishes are hardly necessary 
or acceptable. The cakes, salads, fruits, bonbons, plates, 
knives and forks, etc., are most conveniently set forth 
on the dining-table and sideboard. Coffee, kept hot 
by a spirit lamp, can be served from a side table by 
one serving maid, while another brings in from the 

Eantry cups of iced bouillon and saucers of ices, and 
ands them to the guests, who either stand or are 
seated about the room. Thus two clever maids will 
easily manage the serving of the entire supper. 

Supper at Tables 

NOW and then, at balls of great splendor, a more 
difficult and ceremonious method of serving 
the refreshing delicacies is followed. If the ball is a 
particularly luxurious affair, there may be served an 
elaborate meal at midnight ; but, besides, from the mo- 
ment the dancing begins until the end of the evening, 
in some small room or corner of the hall or library, 
not only are punch and lemonade prepared and 
poured, but tea, coffee, chocolate, and hot bouillon are 
kept at a torrid temperature, and offered to those 
who wish cups of the savory liquids, along with 
small cakes and very delicate sandwiches. Many 
guests will patronize such a tiny buffet in prefer- 
ence to the heavy and lengthy feast. This is served 
at twelve or half^ past by a corps of servants, who, 
at a signal from the hostess, quickly set out a num- 
ber of small tables through the ball-room, dining- 
room, and even in the hallway, at each of which at 
least four persons can be seated. The supper is served 
in courses, and usually includes, according to the sea- 
son, clear soup or jellied consomme with rolls, terra- 

Six] Balls 


pin or lobster, game, a hot delicacy in pastry shells, 
jellied meats, salads, several varieties 01 sandwiches, 
ices, and coffee. Red wine and champagne are poured, 
and while the guests are being served the orchestra 
discourses appropriate music. A very large house and 
a very capable caterer are essential to successfully set 
forth such a supper, for directly the meal is at an 
end, the tables and chairs and dishes must be cleared 
out of sound, as well as out of sight. When a ball is 
given in an extensive suite at a hotel, the refreshment 
may be well served in a spacious dining-hall in this 
elaborate way, the small tables being previously ar- 
ranged with individual lights, flowers, etc., and tubs of 
palms being disposed picturesquely about the room. 

How the Hostess Receives 

IN the city, in the winter season, few large balls 
begin before half-past ten or eleven o'clock. In 
summer and in the country, or in neighborhoods 
where the social demands are not so severe that late 
dinners and opera or theatre parties and balls crowd into 
one evening, a hostess can, as a rule, expect her guests 
to present themselves at nine or half-past nine. At the 
proper hour she must be ready in her drawing-room to 
receive the earliest arrivals and remain near the door to 
greet the tardiest. If she is the mother of daughters 
in society, these young ladies will assist her in receiving 
until the dancing begins ; but this is not really neces- 
sary. Now and then a matron is supported in her 
task of greeting the guests by her husband ; but if he 
shirks this duty, and she has no daughters tcr assist her, 
she can ask the aid of a woman friend or two, and it is 
required of her to introduce the ladies beside her to all 

140 Encyclopaedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

those who enter the ball-room. As the arrivals present 
themselves before her, her duty is to give a cordial 
greeting in words and extend her right hand in wel- 
come, whether the guest is a man or woman, a friend, 
or a stranger introduced by a friend. 

Properly, the music begins a little before the first 
carriage draws up at the door, and the dancing shortly 
after. When the hostess wishes to dance she defers 
this pleasure until late in the evening, or until she is 
sure nearly every one expected has arrived. Under 
special conditions, as where her mother or her sister 
receives with her, she may dance earlier and then 
return to her post to finish receiving. 

Some Paramount Obligations 

IF the hostess is one whose dancing days are over 
she devotes herself throughout the evening to en- 
tertaining the older folk and chaperons who are present, 
and is ever mindful of the needs of shy young men 
and incipient wall-flowers. A woman who realizes her 
authority and privileges as a hostess does not permit 
any of her guests to sit neglected and alone. If she 
has daughters, a husband, or a son to further her ad- 
mirable aims, there need be no groups of idle young 
men in her doorways, and no humiliated damsels sit- 
ting in forlorn isolation against the wall. It is within 
her province, as mistress of the mansion, to ask a 
young man to dance with a partnerless girl and to 
beg a belle to divide some of her smiles and dances 
with a masculine stranger. And while she provides 
pleasures for the neglected, she may play the part of 
rescuing angel to the helpless man or woman who has 
not the courage or the skill to escape from the 

Six] BSallfii 


clutches of some tedious companion. When some 
such unfortunate mismating has endured over long 
the tactful matron is perfectly able to effect a release, 
by bringing up a third person for an introduction to 
the lady concerned, and then carrying off the restless 
or the too-attentive young man for presentation at the 
shrine of a goddess more interesting or one more 

Many a hostess, indeed, contents her conscience 
by providing an excellent supper, extending a hearty 
welcome, and then subsiding into pleasant chat in the 
chaperons' corner. If she has young daughters and 
sons present, they are left to follow their own selfish 
inclinations in the search for pleasure. In conse- 
quence, many of her guests taste but meagrely of the 
joys of the occasion. A keen-eyed and conscientious 
hostess, especially if aided by clever and kindly sons 
and daughters, can, by a little deft manoeuvering and 
altruism succeed in providing even the shyest, dullest, 
least attractive man or woman under her roof with a 
full share of the pleasures of the evening. 

This end is in a large measure accomplished by 
making frequent introductions, according to the rule 
set forth for hostesses in the chapter on the forms and 
ceremonies of presentations. In event of a truly diffi- 
cult subject the hostess can herself make a personal 
effort by sitting beside the wall flower, drawing her into 
conversation, and, with artful kindness, collecting her 
own coterie about her, thus robbing the poor girl's 
situation of any aspect of chilly isolation. W here the 
hostess makes her throne, there a quota of her guests 
will always halt or gather ; and with no apparent effort 
to impress the young men into service, she can, by in- 

142 Rncyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

troductions and conversation, bring out any powers or 
charms her protegee possesses, and by a timely word or 
suggestion, ensnare disengaged young men for the girl 
under her wing. 

Among her multifarious duties, a hostess has that 
also of exercising her authority as a chaperon whenever 
this is necessary. Again, if a supper is served at tables, 
her attention must not be relinquished until she is sure 
that all her guests are enjoying equally comfortable and 
sufficient accommodation and service. At the con- 
clusion of the ball, while she does not formally take 
a place beside the door in order to see and bid farewell 
to the retiring guests, yet she does stand where every 
one can conveniently see and speak with her. When 
formal adieux are made, she offers her hand, but she 
does not accompany any one even as far as the ball- 
room door. 

The Cotillon or German 

FOR a cotillon the ball-room should be arranged 
as already described in the case of a ball proper, 
and this whether the German is to be danced through- 
out the evening, or only a few figures are to be 
gone through after the first hours have been devoted 
to general dancing. For the German, however, there 
must be a supply of chairs equal to the number of 
guests who are to dance. These should be ranged against 
two or four sides of the ball-room, and they ought to 
be nearly of a size and carefully numbered in couples. 
The numbering can be by cards attached to the backs 
or arms. 

The hostess writes down beforehand on slips 
of paper duplicates of the numbers on the chairs. 

Six] ^Ballfii 


puts them in a basket, and as guests arrive re- 
quests the men to draw a slip from the basket and 
learn the location of their own and their partner's 
seats. Programme cards are not provided where the 
German alone is to be danced ; but in all other re- 
spects the hostess makes preparation for her guests, 
receives them, serves them refreshment and has regard 
for their individual comfort and pleasure, just as in the 
case of a ball, which has been already fully treated of. 
If not dancing herself, she is present in the ball-room 
as the figures progress, perhaps presiding at one of the 
favor tables. As at a ball, introductions are incumbent 
on her. At the end of the evening she takes her 
stand by the door, with the leader of the German on 
her left, and so accepts the farewells and thanks of all 
her guests as they depart. 

In sending out invitations for a cotillon every effort 
should be made to secure an even number of men and 
women. In case this is impossible, a preponderance of 
masculine guests is better than too great a number of 
women. Here, even more than in the case of a ball, 
the giver of the entertainment ought to be careful not 
to overcrowd her ball-room. 

Choosing the Leader 

IT is the hostess' prerogative to choose the leader of 
her cotillon, and for this position she should select 
a gentleman who knows thoroughly what the duties 
of such a position are. If he is a clever and practiced 
leader, the hostess will ask whether he prefers to dance 
alone or with a partner, and will accept his decision. 
Should he be willing to go through the cotillon with 
a partner, she may in all propriety offer to dance with 

144 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

him herself, or may ask him to lead with her daughter, 
or perhaps with a woman friend who is visiting her. 
In case there is no woman she cares to propose as his 
partner, she lets him make his own decision. To him 
also should be left entirely the selection of the figures 
and the order of dancing them ; and he should be pro- 
vided with a bell or whistle, for use in signalling the 
dancers. The hostess herself decides whether there 
are to be favors or not ; but in purchasing them and the 
properties she consults the leader. 

The Favors 

FAVORS are not a necessity, and very pretty Ger- 
mans are danced without them. It is the 
custom, however, to provide them for at least a third 
of the figures, and they may be as simple or expensive 
as the purchaser desires. Favors of especial elegance or 
value for one or two selected figures are never a wise 
provision. They are apt to be more or less coveted 
tor themselves, and since only a few can receive them, 
the leader is embarrassed to decide whom he shall 
call up, while irresistible heartburnings and little 
jealousies follow those lucky few to whose lot they do 

In providing favors, it is as the hostess pleases, 
whether they shall be chosen with special regard to 
what is appropriate for the men and what for the 
women dancers. For convenience sake, they are 
usually arranged on two tables at one end of the ball- 
room, the men's favors on one and the women's on 
the other, and each table is presided over by an 
amiable chaperon. At one the hostess herself usually 
is seated, if she is not dancing. 

Six] Ballg 145 

Debutante Dances 

AT her coming out dance, a debutante always 
receives standing beside her mother. If she 
receives with both her parents, then the mother stands 
nearest the door, the young girl beside her, and the 
father at his daughter's left. It is the pretty and com- 
mendable custom nowadays for a damsel when making 
her debut, to ask two or three or even five of her young 
girl friends to stand beside her for the first half-hour or 
hour as the guests arrive. The mistress of the mansion 
takes her natural position by the main door of the 
drawing-room or dancing-salon ; her daughter robed in 
diaphanous white, her hands full of flowers, at her left ; 
and her assistants, carrying bouquets, in a group 
beside the happy girl in whose honor the festivity is 

As the guests enter, the mother introduces her 
daughter to any who do not already enjoy the young 
lady's acquaintance, and she in turn is privileged to 
introduce her assisting friends, if she pleases. Unless 
the debutante is cumbered with too many floral offer- 
ings, she offers her right hand to all the guests, in 
greeting or acknowledging introductions. In case her 
hands are full of flowers, as not infrequently happens, 
she bows and graciously expresses her thanks for the 
compliments and congratulations extended to her. 
When the dancing begins, the young lady duly honors 
every number for which she is engaged ; but at the 
end of each dance she returns to her mother's side at the 
doorway, at least so long as there are guests still arriv- 
ing. The young ladies assisting her, however, are 
not required to do this ; but are free to scatter at the 

146 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

first strains of the opening waltz and pursue their 
pleasure undisturbed the evening through. At the 
conclusion of the entertainment, the debutante, again 
beside her mother, accepts the farewells of the guests. 

Girl Hostesses 

A DAUGHTER, unless it is her debut, does not, as 
a rule, assist her mother in receiving at a ball or 
cotillon. Nevertheless, she should never become so en- 
grossed in her own amusement as to fail in cordially 
greeting every one some time in the course of the even- 
mg, or to Ignore the claims upon her time and attention 
made especially by the feminine guests under her roof. 
Should a young lady, especially a shy debutante, or one 
who seems to possess but a limited acquaintance, ap- 
pear to lack for partners, the hostess' daughter must 
be at pains to assist in relieving this guest's situation 
and consequent embarrassment. On the other hand a 
girl hostess is not privileged to consult only her 
pleasure in filling out her dance card. Her favors 
must be divided as equally as possible among the mascu- 
line guests, though many, whose names she welcomes 
with a smile upon her lips, are but inferior exponents of 
the saltatory art or possess exceedingly limited con- 
versational powers. To any woman guest she may 
speak without introduction, on mentioning her name 
with a friendly smile; and any strangers among the 
men guests she is privileged to request her brother, 
father, or some friend to bring up and present. If the 
ball is given in honor of a young girl friend who is 
visiting her, she is bound to take particular care that 
this particular guest has a partner for every dance and 
is taken in to supper. 

Six] Balls 

Duties of a Host 


THOUGH the man of a house may be well past 
his dancing days, if his name appears on the 
invitations that his wife issues, he must recognize that 
the guests under his roof are entitled to special con- 
sideration and favor at his hands. Moreover, the 
respect due his wife and daughters — if he has daugh- 
ters — will require that he lend his countenance and 
assistance in all their hospitable efforts. 

There is no obligation on him to receive at his 
wife's side ; but his privilege is to do so if he desires, 
offering his hand and cordial greeting to the arriving 
guests. If he is a good dancer, then his mission is 
plainly sacrificial, for it must be his task to lead out 
the least attended and least popular young ladies. If 
he does not dance he can equally prove himself a man 
of the proper metal by dividing his time and conver- 
sation among the wall-flowers and chaperons. 

Assuredly he is vested with the authority to help 
neglected damsels by making an effort to secure 
partners for them. And to this end, he is at liberty to 
address himself to the young men and offer to intro- 
duce them. A right-minded, tactful host never allows 
guests to lounge in the doorways or gather in the cloak 
room, as indolent or selfish young men are only too 
apt to do ; and he sees to it that his hospitality is not 
abused by the guests who retire to the smoking-room 
for the enjoyment of cigars and brandy and soda. 

If there is a formal supper served at tables, the host 
gives his arm to the most important chaperon present, 
and seats her on his right hand. In the case of a buffet 
supper, he takes in one and another, from time to 

148 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

time, and ministers to their needs. If the lady with 
whom he is dancing or talking is about to leave and 
has no escort at her command, he sees that her car- 
riage is called, awaits her descent from the cloak room, 
and accompanies her to the outer door. As the ball 
ends he is apt to find the position of greatest useful- 
ness for him i$ beside his wife, who will then be ac- 
cepting the thanks and farewells of her guests. At a 
country party given in the summer the host frequently 
lingers at the end of the evening by the outer door, to 
see that no lady gets into her carriage unaided. 

The son of a house seconds the efforts of his par- 
ents and sisters in contributing to the comfort and 
pleasure of all the guests. He dances with as many of 
the ladies as possible, and of any young lady who may 
be visiting in the house or who may assist in receiv- 
ing, he is especially careful to request a dance. From 
his mother or sister he solicits introductions to those 
ladies he does not know, and he refrains from devoting 
attention to any one belle or beauty while less favored 
damsels are ignored. If the supper is served from 
a buffet, he accompanies and waits upon any of the 
ladies who seem to be in need of his attendance to 
and in the dining-room. It also falls to his part to 
keep an eye on all young men unprovided with part- 
ners for dances and introduce them where he thinks 
it desirable. It is not absolutely necessary for him in 
such a case first to ask a young lady whether she cares 
to have possible partners presented; under his own 
roof all guests, are on a plane of equality, as at a dinner 
or wedding reception, but to make the inquiry is the 
more courteous practice, especially when he has enjoyed 
but a short acquaintance with the lady herself. 

Six] 3Ballfi; 


Answering of Ball Invitations 

IT goes without saying that an invitation to a ball 
that bears the letters R. s. v. p. requires an 
answer ; and indeed the man or woman who observes 
the letter of the law of etiquette responds promptly 
with acceptance or regrets to every invitation for a 
grand ball or small dance. To invitations couched in 
the third person it is proper to reply within at least 
forty-eight hours somewhat after the following 

/ Boswell Street^ 
December 20th^ ig — . 

Mr. and Mrs. Edward 3". Fink 

accept with pleasure 

Mrs. and Mrs. Christopher King^s 

kind invitation for Tuesday evening 
January the third. 


12 Remsen Street^ 
December 20th ^ ip — . 

Mr. Horace Barry 

regrets that absence /rom town 
will prevent his acceptance of 

Mr. and Mrs. King's 

kind invitation /or Tuesday evening 
January the third. 

When the whole body of subscribers issue the in- 
vitations to an assembly ball, the replies must be sent 

ISO Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

to the address given on the card that requests the 
pleasure of the recipient's company, and in form may 
follow the models given above. Should a subscriber 
to an assembly ball or cotillon club extend an invita- 
tion to a non-subscribing friend, inclosing with the in- 
vitation his or her own visiting card, the answer 
should be to this subscriber individually and in some- 
thing like one or other of the following forms : 

12 Remsen Street^ 
November 2jdy ip — . 
Afy dear Mrs, Carroll: 

It gives me great pleasure to accept your invitation to the 
First Assembly Ball on the evening of December the fifth ; with 
the hope that I may see you thercy 

Believe me sincerely yours^ 

Horace Barry. 


^o Garden Place^ 
November 24thy /p — . 
My dear Mrs. Carroll: 

I return with great regret the cards for the first Assembly Bally 
thinking you may wish to pass them on to some one more fortunate 
than lam. While out riding last week I severely injured my knee 
and the doctor gives me no hope that it will be sufficiently strong 
for dancing on the fifth of next month. This is a grievous disap~ 
pointmenty for the Assembly Balls are always such brilliant and 
successful affairs. 

Believe me with many thanks sincerely yours^ 

Flora Dabney. 

When an invitation to an informal country house 
dance is in the form of a short friendly note, the reply 
is made in the same manner. If the entertainment of 
the evening is but signified in a few words in the lower 

Six] jBalls; 


corner of a visiting card, the answer must still be a 
note, whether one of acceptance or regret. 

Requesting an Invitation to a Ball 

NO small amount of tact and discretion are needful 
to the man or woman who, wishing to have a 
guest or relative asked to an approaching ball, ventures 
to request an extra invitation of the giver of the ball. 
A hostess is often regarded as ungenerous and un- 
gracious when she refuses to include certain stran- 
gers in her company at the requests of friends ; yet it 
may be that for excellent reasons she has been com- 
pelled to exclude from the same company some even 
of her own acquaintances. If a dance is given in a 
small house and the giver of it is a mere acquaintance, 
it is most improper to beg the hostess for an extra 
card on behalf or some one in whom she has no inter- 
est and who personally has no claim whatever on her 
hospitality. On the other hand, when a large ball is 
given in a spacious country house or large hotel suite, 
or where the party is distinctly informal or half im- 
promptu, a good friend of the hostess need feel no 
diffidence in saying very frankly. My cousiriy a pretty 
young girly will be stopping with me next week. I would 
think it kind of you to give me a card for her to your 
dance on the tenth. Or Inhere is a most agreeable young 
man and a good dancer stopping with us just now. It 
would be a great favor if you would let me bring him to 
your party on Wednesday evening. Or Did you know that 
the Rollmans will be visiting us next week ? If you are 
not overcrowded^ could I ask for a card for them to 
your dance on the tenth? They will appreciate the favor 
as much as I do. 

152 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

A note of rec^uest may be worded thus : 

JO Riverview Heights^ 

January jth^ /p — . 
My dear Aftss King : 

If the invitation list for your ball on the tenth is not quite 
filled^ might I have a card for Miss Dangerfieldy a pretty debu~ 
tante from Cleveland^ Ohio^ whose mother was a great friend of 

I hope I am not trespassing too far on your kindness with this 
request ; but you will not hesitate to refuse if you have already 
secured a sufficient number of feminine guests. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Mary L. Brown. 


i8 Clarendon Street^ 

May lothj /p — . 
Dear Miss King : 

May I bring Mr, Henry Rossi ter with me to your dance en the 
fourteenth f Perhaps you recall his sister ^ Mrs. James^ of Rich^ 
mondy with whom you dined at our house last winter, Mr, Rossi- 
ter would be an acquisition if you are short of dancing men^ and 
would be delighted to attend your ballj if you have a card to 

Believe me faithfully yours ^ 

yohn R. Martin, 

While it is very easy verbally or through a brief 
note to prepare such a request, the petitioner 
cannot be too careful to remember that it would be 
most improper to ask such a favor for a chance ac- 
quaintance, or merely to oblige one who is eager to 
force a way into the house and on the attention of the 

Six] Ballg 153 

hostess. A man never asks his prospective enter- 
tainer for an invitation for a woman, unless the person 
on whose behalf the request is made is his fiancee or 
his near relative. 

A woman who enjoys a close friendship with her 
hostess may write and ask permission to bring her 
fiance^ or her brother, or a man friend if a friend of 
long standing, as her escort to the ball. She may also 
ask for invitations for friends who have recently come 
to live in the hostess' neighborhood, for guests in her 
own home, or for relatives. She must not, however, 
ask this favor for persons long resident in the hostess' 
locality, for this may be forcing on the giver of the ball 
guests whom she could have met and invited if she had 
truly desired their presence. It is only when a hostess 
refuses to extend an invitation to a brother, a sister, or a 
betrothed that the least chagrin can be felt at her action. 

Timely Arrival 

THERE is no rule fixing the hour for arrival at 
a ball. Invitations ordinarily state that the 
festivities begin at nine, half-past nine, or ten o'clock ; 
but in the winter, in the cities, fashionable folk rarely 
present themselves before their hostess until eleven, 
half-past eleven, or even twelve o'clock; unless the 
dance is the meeting of a class the members of which 
have agreed on an early assembly. In localities where 
operas, the theatre, or long dinner parties are not apt 
to occupy all the first part of the wmter evenings, and 
in summer in the country, dances, whether large or 
small, are in full progress by ten o'clock, the guests 
arriving at any time they please, fifteen or twenty min- 
utes after the hour, set in the invitations. 

154 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

A Woman at a Ball 

A WO MAN invariably precedes a man, even if he 
is her father, when entering a ball-room. A 
man and woman should never enter arm in arm. A 
mother, elder sister, or married woman precedes a 
daughter, younger sister, or unmarried woman. 

When a young woman enters a ball-room and is 
not at once asked to dance, she should seat herself be- 
side her chaperon. Unless her programme is quite 
full she cannot refuse to dance with the hostess's son, 
nor can she, properly, refuse to dance with one young 
man and give the same dance to another. She can in 
all propriety, however, deny herself to one person and, 
if he goes in search of another partner, walk with or 
sit talking to another while the dance is in progress. 

Etiquette does not allow a woman to ask to be ex- 
cused from a promised dance unless she is indisposed 
or unless she dances no more during the evening. The 
young man to whom her excuses are made is not 
obliged to sit with her through the dance, nor should 
she suggest this alternative. He is, by her excuses, at 
liberty to look for another partner. I n case, though, 
he does ask the privilege of talking to or walking with 
her, she must grant it, to prove that she did not give 
up her dance merely to enjoy the company of some 
one else. To dance too frequently with one young 
man, unless he is her fiance or near relative, or to ig- 
nore the dancing and sit with a man in obscure corners, 
is both ill-mannered and indiscreet. 

As soon as a dance is over, the lady, should she 
wish to be free of her companion or feel that he is 
eager to leave her, is at liberty to ask that he accom- 

Six] Ballfi; 


pany her back to her seat beside her chaperon, but in 
the United States it is only at public balls — in foreign 
countries the practice is difFerent — that a young lady 
is required to return to the side of her chaperon after 
every dance. Her doing so at all balls is laid down as 
the infallible rule of good manners in countless books 
on etiquette ; but in America, even in the most correct 
and formal society, it is never insisted upon. When 
the dance is over, on the arm of her partner a young 
lady is privileged to wander through the drawing-rooms, 
and accept a cooling glass of lemonade, or slip into the 
supper-room ; and if the claims on her attention are 
many, she merely returns as often to her chaperon as 
is necessary to assure that good lady how pleasantly 
the time passes, and that her society is an agreeable re- 
laxation after the exercise of dancing and the lighter 
conversation of very much younger folk. 

In the supper-room a woman does not help herself 
to anything. She relies on her escort and the servants 
to see that her wants are satisfied. If no gentleman asks 
her to go into the dining-room, she can quietly follow 
her chaperon when that lady goes or look to the host- 
ess to supply her with a supper companion. 

Accepting and Refusing Invitations to 


/AM not engaged for the second waltz or the third 
lancers and I will dance either with you with great 
pleasure^ is sufficient indication of a young lady's willing- 
ness to give a dance and of her gratification at a gen- 
tleman's request for a number on her programme. 
She gives him the programme to put down his name ; 

156 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

or, if it is a ball where programmes are not used, she 
assents pleasantly by saying, ff^itb pleasurcy or / should 
like to very mucky or TeSy I shall be very glad to dance 
this with you. To refuse, it is all sufficient to say, / 
am sorry y but my programme is quite fully or Thank youy 
but I do not think I shall dance this number. I feel a 
little tired. 

A lady wdts to be sought by her partner. When 
the music for the dance which she has promised him 
strikes up, should he fail to seek her out she may as- 
suredly expect an apology and plausible explanation 
for his delinquency. 

Leaving a Ball- Room 

FOR a ball beginning at half-past ten in the eve- 
ning the conclusion of the gaieties very properly 
arrives, even for the most vigorous, between two and 
three in the morning. When a woman guest and her 
companion desire to depart in advance of the general 
dispersion, they are privileged to make their exit quietly, 
without disturbing the hostess. When ladies rise to 
leave and the hostess stands near by, it is discourteous 
to pass her without a word of farewell and thanks for 
the evening's pleasure. Good night; I am in your 
debt for a most agreeable eveningy Mrs. Blank ; or TeSy 
really I must gOy and I owe you many thanks for my 
share in the evening* s pleasure; or Thank yoUy Mrs. 
Blankyfor a charming evening; it has been most brilliant 
and successfuly are any of them acceptable forms in which 
to bid a hostess adieu. It is not necessary to seek 
out the host and offer him thanks also, a cordial leave- 
taking with an appreciative comment on the successful 
festivities is enough. 

Six] 3Ballfi; 

Duties of Masculine Guest 


A MAN, on entering the brilliantly lighted ves- 
tibule of a house that is in gala dress for a ball, 
goes at once to the cloak-room, where he divests 
himself of hat and coat, placing both together where 
he can easily find them again, or consigning them to the 
man in charge and receiving a check for them. 

If he is doing duty as an escort to some lady, on 
coming from the cloak-room he awaits his compan- 
ion's appearance somewhere outside the ball-room door, 
at the head or foot of the stairway, or in the hall, hav- 
ing agreed with her beforehand just where they are to 
meet. When he has asked the privilege of serving as 
her escort, he provides the means of conveyance for 
herself and her chaperon to and from the dance. 
When she has joined him, he gives her precedence as 
they all enter the ball-room and does not offer his arm. 
Arrived before the hostess, he accepts her greeting in 
the exact degree of warmth or formality that her bearing 
invites. If she extends her hand cordially and intro- 
duces him to the ladies or to her husband, beside 
her, and they in turn offer the same cordiality of wel- 
come, he responds in kind. If a ceremonious profound 
bow is the greeting, he bends his own head in graceful 
response and passes on. If his companion has a 
chaperon, he at once finds for that lady a comfortable 
seat. Before he fills his dance programme with other 
names, he asks a dance or two of the lady in his charge. 
He also holds himself in readiness to accompany her to 
the supper-room, if he sees that no one offers to serve 
as escort in that capacity. With the approval of her 
chaperon and by her own consent, he can bring for- 

158 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ward and introduce such young men as he thinks will 
amuse and dance with her.- If the lady is his near re- 
lative or his fiancee, the formalities of asking her per- 
mission to present eligible partners is unnecessary ; but 
under other conditions this courtesy is not to be dis- 
pensed with, unless he is a friend of very long stand- 
mg and the dance is informal. 

It is never a man's right, when serving as a lady's 
escort, by word or look to suggest to her when it is 
time to retire. If circumstances compel him to leave 
the ball before she is ready to go, the matter can be ex- 
plained to her and her chaperon. When, however, 
either the chaperon or the young lady indicates a de- 
sire to leave, he must acquiesce at once and see them 
to their door. It is his privilege, if they have left 
early, to return to the ball if he chooses. 

When a young man at a ball finds few acquaintan- 
ces present, he can apply for introductions to his host 
or hostess or, in brief, to any one present whom he 
knows. He should not accept the oflfer of introduc- 
tions to young ladies unless he intends to dance with 
them or otherwise pay them some attention. He can 
hardly though refuse to be introduced to a lady if she 
has consented to meet him or requests that he be 

Asking a Lady to Dance 

ONE of the first duties of every man at a ball is 
to apply for the privilege of a dance with the 
hostess' daughter or with any young woman who may 
be her guest or who assists in receiving. Even though 
he spends but a few moments at the entertainment, 
this obligation is paramount. It is quite proper for a 

Six] Ballfii 


man, immediately on introduction to a woman, to ask 
her for a dance, register his name on her card, and then, 
excusing himself, go on to others to ask dances of 
them. He, of course, registers the ladies* names on 
his card, and directly the music for each dance begins, 
he seeks her who his card shows is to be his partner. 
May I put my name down for a waltz^ Miss Blank ? or 
/ see number jive is not taken. May I have it ? or I hope 
your card isnot filled yet ^ Miss Br own ^ and that you will 
give me the second two-step or the first lancers^ are the 
simple and conventional phrases in which a gentleman 
requests a dance. 

It is a great discourtesy when a man waits several 
minutes after the music for a waltz or polka has begun 
before he claims the lady whose name is on his card 
for that dance. Directly the music strikes up, it is his 
duty to look about for her, and saying, uhis is our 
danccy I believcy offer her his arm to lead her to the 
floor. Of course, if she deliberately places herself in 
some dark and inaccessible nook, he may assume that 
she is either indifferent to, or positively desirous of 
escaping his attentions, and for the future avoid offer- 
ing her his homage. The instant a young lady sug- 
gests cutting short a dance, or deliberately frees her- 
self from a circle of waltzers, her companion must ac- 
quiesce and, thanking her for the waltz, give her his 
arm, and walk, or sit and talk with her as long as the 
music for that dance is playing. It is a good rule, at 
a large and ceremonious ball, for a man to return with 
his companion to the side of her chaperon when the 
dance is over, particularly if he purposes to hurry 
away to bespeak another partner or has special aims 
for his own amusement. 

i6o Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 


No gentleman ever abruptly leaves a woman stand- 
ing alone in a ball-room or hallway. If she has no 
chaperon he finds her a chair near some of the elderly 
ladies, bows, excuses himself, and walks off. This he 
can do in all civility when he finds himself placed with 
one who does not interest him, or from whose society 
he is for any reason eager to escape. He is perfectly 
free to say, Where shall I find you a seat ? or Shall we 
sit here ? and at the opening of the music add. Pray 
excuse me; I must find the young lady who promised me 
this dancey and without an effort slip away into pleas- 
anter society. 

There is no greater rudeness of which a man can 
be guilty than a failure to claim a dance for which his 
card shows he is pledged. If circumstances arise that 
compel him to leave a ball-room before all of his en- 
gagements have been kept, he must go to every young 
lady to whom he is engaged for a dance and make 
proper explanations and apologies. 

The Guest Who Does Not Dance 

So few are the cities, towns, or even small villages 
where dancing classes are not held that there 
seems hardly any excuse for a man to attend a ball 
and refuse to dance, assigning as his reason that he 
does not know how. If this is strictly the truth, or 
if he puts little faith in his ability to guide a light- 
footed girl with the proper grace and deftness about a 
crowded ball-room, then his visible duty is to make up 
as far as possible for his deficiency by talking to, or 
walking with ladies of the company in the intervals of 
their own dancing, and taking them into the supper 
room and attending upon their wants. 

Six] 3Sall« i6i 

No condemnation is too great for that selfish and, 
sad to say, not uncommon man, who accepts a hostess' 
hospitali^ and requites it by standing in doorways, to 
feast his artistic appetite upon the agreeable sights and 
sounds of a beautiful ball-room, satisfies his hunger at 
her supper table, gossips a little with the men and a few 
of the cnaperons, and, after lingering an hour, takes his 
way home. There is but one greater offender in the social 
world — ^the man who can dance but is too lazy and self- 
indulgent to fulfil this mission and who haunts the 
smokmg-room while charming girls sit unappreciated 
beside their anxious chaperons. 

Proper Position in Dancing 

A HOSTESS expects every man among her 
guests to do his duty, the whole measure of 
which is to dance as frequently and as well as lies in 
his power. It is not possible or requisite here to 
attempt an exposition of the Terpsichorean art ; it is 
permissible and probably helpful to suggest that 
when a youne gentleman has found and reminded a 
lady of has claim upon her for the waltz at the moment 
of the music's beginning to sound, he stands before her 
bowing slightly, and if they are at some distance from 
the ball-room, offers her his right arm, to lead her to 
where the dancers are circling. There, with his right 
arm, he half encircles her waist, laying his hand not up 
near the shoulder blades, but lower — ^just above the 
waist line, and, to be explicit, directly over the back 
bone. Taking her right hand in his left, he holds it 
almost at arm's length, not lower than the level of her 
waist line nor higher than her shoulder. His fece he 
turns slightly to the left. When so holding her, she 

i62 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

is drawn into exactly the proper attitude for graceful 
and easy dancing. It is a grotesaue provinciality for 
dancers to thrust out their arms stiff and straight from 
their shoulders, or for the man to lift the lady's right 
hand high in the air, holding it somewhat behind him. 
He is obliged to support and guide her, at the same 
time taking care not to collide with other couples ; and 
if he does not reverse, it is discreet to halt at intervals, 
after gliding somewhat out of the path followed by those 
who are swifter and more accomplished. 

How to Lead a Cotillon 

NO young man should acccept the post of leader 
of a cotillon unless he is quite secure in his 
knowledge and experience of the dance. On receiving 
an invitation to fulfil such a duty, he must reply at 
once by note, and then call on the lady who has hon- 
ored him so far. The call is made to consult with her 
as to figures, favors, properties, the number of couples 
invited, etc. On the night of the ball he should be 
among the first guests to arrive. In case he is to lead 
with a lady, he places her on his right hand in a chair 
at the top of the ball-room. If, when arranging a fig- 
ure, he finds it necessary to gently push or pull a lady 
into place, it must be done by lightly grasping her hand. 
The men he can take hold of by the arm. Above all 
things, a leader must not lose his temper, be abrupt or 
dictatorial, or order a change of position otherwise than 
with a smile and a pleasant /^/^^j^, or thank you^ and yet 
he should invariably enforce his commands. 

Persons who are invited to a German that is to occupy 
an entire evening to the exclusion of general dancing, 
need not refuse the invitation because they have never 

Six] ^Ballfi 163 

danced the German. Men and women who know how 
to waltz, glide, tread the polka, and how to go 
through the lancers, are quite competent to take part 
in a German, relying on the leader's instructions, the 
example of more experienced companions and their 
own quickness and intelligence. 

Choosing a Cotillon Partner 

A YOUNG man bidden to a German is at liberty 
to arrange beforehand, through note or a call, 
for an agreeable partner. He, of course, is obliged to 
ask a lady who has herself been invited to the enter- 
tainment in which he desires her partnership ; and he 
may ask also the privilege of acting as her escort to 
the house, and to this he may add flowers ; but neither 
of these latter civilities is required of him. Usually, 
he merely joins the lady on the evening of the ball m 
his hostess* drawing-room, and leads her on his arm to 
her seat at his right, the number of which he has drawn 
directly on his arrival. If he chooses, he can wait 
until he reaches the house to select his partner ; and, 
if on arriving he finds no young ladies or his acquaint- 
ance, it is proper to resort to the hostess or some of 
her family for introductions. At a German where 
more men than women are present, the men may ask 
permission to dance without any assigned partner, and 
then lead out and dance with any young lady whose 
partner is oflF favoring another. Having led his 

Eartner to her seat, a young man places her always on 
is right, gives her his attention as long as he is beside 
her ; and at the end of the evening sees her to her 
carriage. He is not obliged to take her to supper, 
though if she has no other companion and he is free 

1 64 Rncyclopcedta of Ktiquette [Chapter 

to offer himself, he will usually extend this courtesy. 
At the end of the evening, he thanks her for dancing 
the cotillon with him. 

A young lady whose partnership is not engaged 
in advance, goes to a German, as to an ordinary ball, 
with her chaperon, and can expect that some one will 
ask her before the figures begin, or that her chaperon 
or hostess will find and introduce some one to act as 
her partner. If ill luck so far attends her that no 
partner is provided, her position is diflicult indeed. 
Where the German begins after several hours of general 
dancing, she can of course retire gracefully and with 
most plausible excuses from the ball ; but if the 
German itself is the evening's entertainment, she can 
avoid ignominious retreat by finding a seat somewhere 
near the end of the line and trusting that the leader 
will see that she is taken out. 

Rules for Dancing a German 

NEVER accept an invitation to dance the German 
when you know you will be obliged by some 
uncontrollable circumstances to leave before the enter- 
tainment is over. Always try to arrive as nearly as 
possible on the hour named in the invitation, and do 
not remain, dancing and frolicking, after all the figures 
are finished. Invariably obey the leader, and comply 
with his wishes in all good nature and promptly. 
Couples not called up to dance in a figure, or those 
called up and waiting while the leader stops to explain 
the figure to the others, must not amuse themselves 
by independently waltzing about the room and so 
creating confusion. Nor should couples continue to 
waltz after a figure is finished and the leader's bell, 

Six] Ballg 165 

clap or whistle has sounded for every one to sit. A 
young lady should not favor a man to whom she has 
not been introduced, unless she and the stranger are 
needed to complete a figure; in such a case, in a 
private house, there being no man she knows on whom 
she can bestow her favor, it is quite proper to offer it 
pleasantly to the stranger and dance the entire figure 
with him. Taking this as a sign that an introduction 
would not be unpleasant to her, the duty of the man 
is to seek out at once some one who will perform this 
office. Under similar circumstances a man may ask a 
lady, to whom he has not been introduced, to dance a 
figure with him. Afterwards he should seek an intro- 
duction. Young men must offer at a German the same 
attentions to the hostess who is fond of dancing and 
to her daughters, that they would offer at a ball, where 
dancing is general. Young ladies are not required to 
favor their hostess' son ; but the son should lead out 
or favor as many of the ladies present as possible. 
There is no rule for the disposition of favors except 
that a man or woman never favors his or her partner, 
and that it is only civility for a man to favor in 
turn the woman who has favored him, while a lady 
should try to remember the men who have accorded 
her this distinction and in the course of the evening 
return their compliment. 

When the leader signals for a figure to cease, the 
man gives the lady with whom he is dancing his arm, 
and takes her to her seat ; there he bows, thanks her 
for the dance, and then returns to his own seat and 
partner. A man asks a lady to dance a figure with 
him or accept a favor at a German in exactly the same 
manner as he asks for the privilege of any dance. A 

1 66 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

lady, when choosing a gentleman for a figure, can do 
so oy merely extending the favor to him — ^if favors are 
in use — ^and he takes it, and pins it on his coat ; or, if 
there are no favors she comes towards him and, with a 
slight smile and bow, holds out her hand. He must 
at once rise in acknowledgment of her invitation, 
thanking her briefly for it then, and again when he 
leads her back to her seat at the conclusion of the 

Subscription Dances 

SUBSCRIPTION dances, while possessing many 
of the features of both private and public balls, 
have some details of etiquette that are all their own. A 
subscription dance is as a rule held in a public hall or 
hotel ball-room, and is presided over by a manage- 
ment chosen from the members of the association that 
subscribes the money for the expenses of the enter- 
tainment. Thus it is a semi-public ball ; but the term 
subscription dance as here used applies only to such 
festivities as the assembly balls, cotillon clubs, dancing 
classes and Cinderella societies, that have a place, dur- 
ing the successive seasons, in the wealthy and fashion- 
able society of our great cities and more important 
towns. For subscription dances, gotten up by an as- 
sociation formed of a limited number of fashionable 
men or women, special invitations are used, unlike 
those employed for public or private balls. 

Every subscriber is entitled to bid a certain num- 
ber of friends to the periodic dances, or the one great 
function that the majority in the membership agree to 
give, and these invitations are issued not less than a 
fortnight in advance of the entertainment. If a hotel 

Six] Balls 167 

suite is chosen for the festivity and the design is a hand- 
some assembly ball, preparations on the scale outlined 
for a hostess who gives a splendid private function in 
rooms rented specially for the occasion, with a supper 
served at small tables, will be none too elaborate. If 
it is to be merely a Cinderella dance, concluding at mid- 
night, light refection served from a buffet is perfectly 

A group of patronesses must receive the guests at 
the ball-room door as the servant announces them. 
The course for a guest to follow at a subscription ball 
is in all essentials the same as that pursued at a private 
ball. On entering the ball-room a woman makes a 
sweeping bow to every one of the members of the pa- 
tronesses in turn, and then passes on ; a man bows pro- 
foundly to these stately matrons, but it is not necessary 
to take formal leave of the patronesses at departure. 

Public Balls 

CHARITY and county balls, dances given in coun- 
try club houses or hotels and periodic enter- 
tainments given by social organizations, whereat danc- 
ing constitutes the chief diversion, may be properly 
gathered under the general head of public balls. 
Though in certain features they may differ one from 
the other, the etiquette for them all is in the main the 
same. At a public ball, whether admission is by pur- 
chased tickets, such as are issued for the annual charity 
ball given in nearly every large city, or by invitations 
distributed by the members of the organization that 
contributes all the essentials for the entertainment — 
various committees, instead of a hostess, preside over 
the function, and on them rests success or failure. 

1 68 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Engraved announcements or invitations are usually 
prepared and issued from two weeks to seventeen days 
before the date fixed for the dance. A professional 
caterer is usually engaged to supply the supper and 
servants sufficient to swiftly minister to the needs of 
all the guests. A supper of meats, hot bouillon, 
salads and ices, with coffee and confections, served 
from a buffet, is always the most satisfactory. And as 
the unmarried ladies will be accompanied by chaper- 
ons, an ample number of chairs, ranged in double rows 
about two or four sides of the bunting- and flower-be- 
decked dancing salon, will be quite essential. 

Ornamental badges, made from a few inches of 
satin ribbon and inscribed in gold, silver or embroi- 
dered lettering, with the official position of the wearer, 
should be prepared and distributed among the men 
and women who form the various committees; and^ 
these should be worn conspicuously on the left side of 
the breast. Cloak rooms, with attendants who will 
receive, guard and issue small paper checks for the 
wraps confided to their care, are a necessary provision 
for the guests, both men and women ; and an awning 
and carpet before the entrance of the public hall or 
hotel where the ball is given, and a competent liveried 
servant to give carriage checks and call for the vehicles, 
are conveniences that the management should not fail 
to provide. 

The Patronesses 

WHEN women do not serve upon the commit- 
tees, it is requisite for the gendemen who have 
the entertainment under their control to appoint a 
number of patronesses. Six, eight, ten or more lead- 

Six] BSallfi 169 

ing matrons are chosen, and by formal written invita- 
tions, issued in the name of the management, request 
is made of them for permission to engrave their names 
upon the invitation cards and the honor of their ser- 
vice with the reception committee on the evening of 
the entertainment. If badges are prepared for the 
patronesses, one is enclosed with the invitation to act as 
patroness, or else the head of the management distrib- 
utes them on the evening of the ball at the moment 
the ladies chosen enter the ball-room. 

A public ball, as a rule, opens exactly on the hour 
specified in the invitations. Therefore, ten minutes in 
advance of the arrival of the first guest the music be- 

fins, and the members of every committee must be on 
and to greet the ladies who are to assist in receiving 
and designate their position, which should be just in- 
side the door opening to the dancing salon or in the 
centre of this room. It is a good arrangement for the 
patronesses to stand in a half-circle beside the door, with 
the heads of the several committees at their left, though 
there is no fixed ruling on this point. A servant in 
livery announces the guests as they enter, the ladies and 
gentlemen near the aoor acknowledging every arrival 
with courteous bows. If the ball opens with a grand 
march, the matrons who assist in receiving are led out 
on the floor and through the mazes of the promenade, 
each leaning upon the right arm of some prominent 
member of one or another of the diflferent commit- 
tees in charge. 

The members of committees are obligated, further- 
more, to escort the patronesses to the supper room, to 
introduce guests of importance to them and to accom- 
pany each lady who serves in this capacity to her car- 

170 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

riage door when she rises to depart. The directors of 
a public ball are entitled to make introductions, since 
they are the hosts of the occasion, to accompany dis- 
tinguished women guests to the supper room and to 
give orders to the musicians. 

The Guest of Honor 

IF the ball is siven in honor of some distinguished 
person, the head of the management goes forward 
when this person arrives, presents him to the ladies of 
the reception committee and escorts him to the box or 
seat set apart for his occupancy. Throughout the 
evening, some one of the directors of the entertainment 
should remain near the guest of honor, to bring up and 
introduce those who may desire to meet him, to see 
that he is properly 'served, and that his wants are not 
disregarded nor his amusement allowed to flag. Fi- 
nally, when the distinguished guest departs, he must 
be duly escorted to his carriage. 

Not until the ball is over and the last guest 
has taken his departure, are members of the manage- 
ment privileged to relax their vigilance and seek 
their rest. 

Guests at a Public Ball 

THOUGH public balls as a rule begin early, 
guests are privileged to make their bow before 
the reception committee at any hour before midnight. 
Men and women check their wraps in their respective 
dressing-rooms and enter as at a private ball, bowing 
courteously to those who stand by the door to re- 
ceive them. A guest is privileged to dance the 
ball out, or to spend a few moments in merely look 

Six] 3Ball0 


ing on and then retire without taking leave of those 
who receive. 

At a public ball a young lady returns to her chaper- 
on's side after every dance. Men guests who lack ac- 
quaintance in the company may apply to members of the 
reception or floor committee for mtroductions. When 
wraps are resumed in the cloak-rooms the attendants 
will expect a small fee. With these exceptions the 
etiquette is essentially the same as that outlined for 
private dances. 

The Ball Dress for Women 

FOR a ball the women guests and the hostess of the 
occasion wear their most elaborate evening cos- 
tumes, short-sleeved and decollete, with the hair high 
and arranged, if preferred, with jewels. A handsome 
silk, satin, lace or spangled gown with a train and an 
abundance of Jeweled ornaments is none too elaborate 
a toilet to do honor to so brilliant an event. 

For a party or an impromptu dance the hostess is 
still privileged to don an elaborate gown ; but where 
the afllair is small and early, in the country, and in 
summer, a simple silk or net gown and a few jewels 
betoken the woman whose taste is beyond cavil. 

The dress of a debutante, on the occasion of the 
ball that ushers her into society, is invariably of white 
or of some very delicately tinted and cloudiike fabric. 
Tulle, chiffbn, net and liberty silk are the choicest 
weaves to select from. The bodice is, in the majority 
of cases, cut open, in a square, round, or heart-shape, 
over the chest and shoulders ; and lace sleeves, or long 
gloves, cover the arms. A debutante does not wear 
jewels in her hair ; nor does sh# wear flashing diamonds 

172 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

or a great display of priceless pearls* As her debut is 
usually an occasion when her parents and friends honor 
her with gifts, she is privileged to wear these tributes 
of flowers and ornaments with her ball gown. A sin- 
gle string of pearls or gemmed heart hung about her 
neck by a fine gold chain, a ring, bangle and brooch 
surely offer no real defiance to the fixed canon that 
during her first few years in society a fresh-faced young 
woman does not need jewels and should wear them 
most sparingly. 

The daughters of a house, when a ball is given, 
may dress with great elegance, but should be careful to 
make no effort to outshine their guests. For a ball, a 
gown of light color, airy substance, cut decollete back 
and front and short in the sleeves, or provided with 
lace covering for the arms, is the proper costume. 
A dancing party does not necessitate such elaborate- 
ness of dress and an elbow-sleeved, sprigged taffeta 
or muslin gown, with the bodice slightly open in 
front, is a better choice than the costume appropriate 
to a full ball. 

Dress for Men 

WHETHER a ball is given in winter or sum- 
mer, the men, host and guests alike, wear the 
orthodox evening costume. At very informal dances 
in the country the men who gather from their yachts, 
club houses, and the like, are forgiven by their hos- 
tesses when they appear in immaculate white duck or 
flannels, if nothing more formal is obtainable at the 
short notice given them. But under any other condi- 
tions, the black clawhammer coat, with trousers to 
match, white waistcoat, white linen and white necktie 

Six] BSallfi 


form theonly possible evening dressfor the civilized gen- 
tleman. In winter, in the city, a man wears a heavy dark 
raglan or Chesterfield overcoat over his sober, but ele- 
gant, toilet of black and white; a top hat, or one with a 
crush crown, or a felt of Alpine shape ; and throughout 
the evening gloves of immaculate white dressed kid are 
essential. In summer the gloves are not infrequently 
omitted and at that season a man may reconcile it with 
his own conscience whether or not they shall be worn. 
If the ball is a large and handsome affair at a fashionable 
resort, it is his manifest duty to consider that the delicate 
gowns and gloves of the ladies will suffer at the touch 
of his hot and perhaps moist hand and that in conse- 
quence he is really not at liberty to leave his own 
gloves off, however much his own comfort may urge 
him to do so. Many men obviate this possible injury 
to fragile suede and muslin, by grasping a handkerchief 
in the hand that is laid on the lady's waist, and this is 
well enough where, without formality, young people 
gather to toot it together for a few hours and the young 
ladies leave their own gloves at home. But under any 
other circumstances a man must submit to the bondage 
of gloves ; and at large fashionable dances, where there 
is danger of the smooth white kid growing soiled before 
the end of the entertainment, a careful and considerate 
man carries an extra pair as religiously as he stows two 
handkerchiefs in his pockets. 

Chapter SEVEN 

The Invitations 

WEDDING invitations are issued not 
later than fifteen days, and not 
earlier than four weeks before the 
date set for the marriage. Circum- 
stances and not an inflexible rule 
must be the guide with regard to the distribution of 
wedding invitations. For a large church wedding, they 
are usually sent to all those whose names appear on 
the visiting lists of the two families concerned. They 
are also posted to relatives and friends of the bride 
and groom who may be in mourning or traveling 
abroad ; to the important business associates of the 
groom, and those of the bride's father. An amiable 
bride can afford to offer as well a few extra invitations 
to her bridesmaids and ushers, who may wish to ask 
their particular friends or relatives to witness the 

The invitation is engraveci on sheets of fine, pure 
white or cream-tinted paper, having a smooth surface 
without glaze. From year to year the precise propor- 
tions of these sheets vary an inch and a fraction in length 
and width. A good conventional size measures seven 
inches and one half in length, by six inches and a 

WtVUiu^ 175 

fourth in width, and folds once to fit its envelope. 
Occasionally the crest of the bride's family or her 
initials are embossed in white in the centre at the top 
of the engraved sheet and also on the envelope flap ; 
but entwmed initials or armorial devices in colors, gilt- 
edged sheets, etc., are not in good taste. Plain script 
is still the preferred engravmg for wedding cards, 
though now and then very heavy block lettering is 
used, with an agreeable effect, or the old English 

An order to the stationer for wedding invitations 
includes not only the envelopes into which the en- 
graved sheets are folded, but larger and less expensive 
ones into which the first are slipped. The first en- 
velope is not sealed ; on it is inscribed only the name 
of the guest for whom it is intended. The second is 
sealed and stamped and bears the complete address of 
the person for whom it is intended. When sending 
wedding cards it is not permitted to make a single in- 
vitation serve for an entire household by the economi- 
cal device of a general address like " Mr. and Mrs. 
Brown and family." If the heads of the house and 
their unmarried sons and daughters are bidden, one 
invitation is sent addressed in this form : ** Mr. and 
Mrs. Brown," one addressed thus: "The Misses 
Brown," and a third addressed to "The Messrs. 
Brown." All three invitations, each in its proper en- 
velope, are for posting enclosed in a single envelope 
which is addressed in full to the matron of the family, 
as " Mrs. John L. Brown." 

The accepted wording of an invitation to a church 
wedding runs as follows, and is arranged in the order 
given below : 

176 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles S. Doan 

request the honor of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 


Mr. Theodore Dana Hunton 

on Monday afternoon^ October the fifib 

at four 0^ clock 

Saint Saviour* s Church 

New Tork 

Another form recently adopted in ^hionable so- 
ciety requires the use of the word and or with instead 
of tOy and the name of the person invited is written 
in by hand. Though the labor of issuing the invita- 
tions is by the later device greatly increased, an addi- 
tional touch of elegance and an appearance of greater 
courtesy is assuredly gained. The newest style shows 
the following arrangement : 

Mr. and Mrs. Morton Ramsay 

requests the honor of 

presence at the marriage of their daughter 


Mr. Bryson Fitch 

On Wednesday^ Jvne the twelfth 

at half after four 0* clock 

at Holy Trinity Church 


Seven] WtVUiU^ 


A bride who is an orphan issues her invitations in 
the name of her nearest surviving relative. An un- 
married sister, unless a lady of mature years, is the one 
exception to this rule in favor of the "nearest surviving 

When a brother, whether married or not, is the 
person in whose name his sister's wedding cards are 
issued, the wording on the cards should run thus: 
Mr. Harold Vinton Brown requests the honor of your 
presence at the marriage of hi J sister Mary. A married 
woman would invite guests to her sister's wedding in 
this form : Mr. and Mrs. Thomas H. Brown request the 
pleasure of your, company at the marriage of Mrs. 
Brown* s sister^ Mary Stayler Bond, etc., and grandpar- 
ents, an uncle and aunt and a married brother would 
also indicate the exact degree of relationship, along 
with the young lady's name in full. Should the 
marriage be arranged to take place at the house of 
a friend, the wording of the invitations would take 
this form : 

The pleasure of your company is requested 
at the marriage of 

Miss Lucy Lidell For sy the 


Mr. Jasper F. Fenton 

on Monday^ November the tenth 

at half past four 0^ clock 

at the residence of 

Mr. and Mrs. John Tuckerman Fields 
Fourteen Colorado Avenue 

178 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

When a bride has lost her mother or father and 
the remaining parent has married again her cards are 
issued in the name of her own parent and her step- 
parent. The wording, however, clearly indicates whose 
child she is, unless, as is sometimes the case, she pre- 
fers, through affection for her step-parent, not to have 
this distinction made. Ordinarily the wording on the 
wedding cards of a step-daughter takes this form : 
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas R. Brown request the pleasure 
of your company at the marriage of Mrs. Brown* s 
daughter^ Eleanor Flagler Doan^ etc. ; or, Mr. and Mrs. 
Thomas R. Brown request the honor of your presence at 
the marriage of Mr. Brown's daughterly Amelia. When 
a bride's father is a widower she issues her cards in his 
name alone. 

The chosen formula is engraved on the first pages 
of the double sheet and never occupies more than that 
one page. And let it be borne in mind, by those who 
seek to follow the letter of the social law concerning 
wedding cards, that the wording honor of your presence 
is now employed in preference to any other for a church 
wedding. In large cities where inquisitive strangers 
not infrequently attempt to usurp the places of the 
invited guests and force their way into the church 
where a marriage is to take place, it has become essen- 
tial to guard against this imposition by inclosing with 
every invitation a card of admission. These are slips 
of white cardboard, four and one quarter by two and 
one-half inches, bearing the inscription : 

Please present this card at 

Saint Saviour* s Church 

On Monday^ October the Twenty^-fifth 

Seven] Wt'tftiiXl^ ^79 

Cards to Wedding Reception 

WHEN a church wedding is succeeded by a re- 
ception or breakfast there is enclosed with the 
wedding invitation also an engraved card of medium 
size inscribed thus : 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan 

request the pleasure of 


on Monday^ October the fifth 

at half past twelve o^ clock 

Twenty-two JVashington Avenue 

R. J. V. p. 



from half past four o'clock 

Twenty-two Washington Avenue 

R. 1. V. p. 

Invitations toa midday wedding, followed bya break- 
fast at the bride's home, are now not infrequently cast 
in the very suitable English form. In this form the 
wedding invitation is engraved on a double sheet, and 
then in smaller lettering at the bottom of the page is 
added, and afterwards at breakfast^ followed by the 
address of the bride's parents. 

In event of a home wedding, the invitations are 
engraved as for a church ceremony, with the substitu- 
tion in place of the sentence, honor of your presence^ 

i8o Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

of the phrase pleasure [or honor] of your company. For 
a home wedding where the marriage ceremony is to be 
performed in the presence only of the immediate fami- 
lies concerned and to be followed by a large reception, 
the invitations issued generally take this form : 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan 

request the pleasure of your company 

at the wedding of their daughter 

Lydia Madeline 


Mr, John Henry Richards 

on Monday afternoon^ October the first 

at four o'clock 

Twenty^ne Beech Street 

Along with such of these reception cards as are 
sent to special friends whose presence is desired also at 
the marriage are sent small cards on which is engraved, 
ceremony at half after three o'clock. These cards are 
slipped into the same envelopes that carry the recep- 
tion invitations. 

Under the conditions of a wedding in a country 
neighborhood to which guests are asked from some 
town or city near by, with such, invitations are 
inclosed small printed cards (very frequently of the 
style displayed below) which give the schedule of trains 
that will transport such guests most conveniently to 
the place where the wedding is to occur : 

Train leaves Grand Central Station 
for Blythedale at P. M. 
Returning train leaves Blythedale 
for New York at 6. JO P. M. 

Seven] Wttft^tn^ i8i 

When the bride's parents place a special train at 
the service of their city guests, in the invitations sent to 
these is inclosed a card which serves as a pass, en- 
titling the bearer to a seat in the reserved coaches. The 
usual form for this card is : 

7'he special train leaves 

Grand Central Station for Blythedale 

at J.JO P. M. 

Leaves Blythedale /or Grand Central Station 

at 6 P. M. 
Please present this card at the station door. 

Now and again we meet with wedding cards on 
which, below the polite formula of invitation, the en- 
graved letters R. s. v. p. appear and indicate that 
the favor of a reply is requested. This is the practice 
in case of a country wedding when a special train to 
transport city guests is engaged and the host and 
hostess wish to know for how many persons accom- 
modations must be provided; it is also the practice 
when a city home wedding is celebrated. An answer 
is not infrequently asked on wedding breakfast invi- 
tations; but R. s. V. p. is rarely or never added to 
an invitation merely to witness the church ceremonial. 
Wedding invitations gotten up by fashionable stationers 
now show instead of the letters R. s. v. p., the fall 
phrase, in English, the favor of a reply is requested. 

Invitations to Second Marriages 

CARDS of invitation to a woman's second mar- 
riage take the same form they would have if it 
were her first In the name of her parents or nearest 

1 82 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

surviving relative the cards are issued and her own 
name does not appear as on her first wedding cards. 
It is true that her own first and middle names appear, 
but they must be supplemented by the surname of her 
deceased husband, thus 

Mr. and Mrs. Horace Dunham 

request the honor of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 

Mrs. Eleanor Folsom Craig 


Mr. Harold Parker Strange 

on Tuesday^ December the tenth 

at twelve o*clock^ at 

St. Margarets Chapel 

Elm Avenue 

If on the occasion of her second marriage a woman 
has no near relatives to serve as hosts and sponsors for 
her, she may issue her cards in this form : 

The honor of your presence is requested 

at the marriage of 

Mrs. Mary Foster Archbold 

to . ,r 

Mr. John Grey Pendleton 

on Wednesday afternoon^ May the fifth 
at four 0* clock 
Church of the Redeemer 5 

Seven] Wttit^inqfi 183 

Announcement Cards 

ANNOUNCEMENT cards are employed when 
a marriage has been celebrated quietly in the 
presence of a few persons. They are posted on the 
day of the wedding to all relatives and friends of bride 
and groom. The announcement is engraved upon 
sheets of white paper similar in size and texture to 
those used for wedding invitations. The information 
of a marriage is conveyed thus : 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan 

have the honor of announcing 
the marriage of their daughter 


Mr. Henry L. Griswold 

on Thursday^ October the third 

nineteen hundred and one^ at 

St. Agnes Chapel 

A large joint card of the newly married pair is 
very often enclosed with every announcement; and 
this card bears the address of the bride and groom 
and sometimes the name of the bride's day at home as 
well. The announcement of a widow's marriage can be 
properly made in the above form, using her Christian 
name, followed by the surname she bore during her 
first husband's lifetime. 

When announcement cards are not issued in the 

1 84 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

name of the bride's nearest relatives, they should be 
engraved thus : 

Mr. Gerard Baxter Goodman 


Miss Frances Littig Burnbam 

have the honor of announcing 

their marriage 

on Saturday^ October the fifth 

nineteen hundred and one^ at 

The First Presbyterian Church 


Anniversary Invitations 

INVITATIONS to a wedding anniversary may be- 
tray by delicate ornamentations the significance of 
the occasion. They are engraved on sheets or cards, 
and they may display the raised entwined initials of hus- 
band and wife and give in one upper corner the year of 
the marriage and in the opposite upper corner that of 
the anniversary to be celeorated. For a silver wed- 
ding the lettering may be in silver. The following are 
approved forms : 

i8y^ F.S. jpoo 

Mr. and Mrs. Warren Archer Stanton 

At Home 

Saturday evening^ June third 

after nine o^ clock 

Forty Oak Street 

Seven] l^ttfUin^ 185 


1S2S ^900 

Mr. and Mrs. Warren Archer Stanton 

request the pleasure of your company 
§m the Twenty^fifth anniversary of their marriage 

§n Tuesday afternoon^ Jwie third , 

from four until seven o* clock 
Forty Oak Street 

Recalling Wedding Invitations 

WHEN a death, an illness or an accident necessi- 
tates the curtailment or postponement of a wed- 
ding celebration for which invitations have been issued, 
the parents of the bride notify the invited guests of the 
change in the programme by promptly issuing printed 
cards recalling the invitations or announcing the post- 
ponement of the wedding. Such announcements can 
be got out under a time limit of twenty-four hours by 
a stationer who, in simple lettering, prints on cards the 
size of those used in correspondence the terms of 
recall, as follows : 

Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Theodore 
Hunton's father Mr, and Mrs. Theodore Hunton 
beg to recall the cards issued for their daughter's 
wedding reception. 

Answering Wedding Invitations 

IT is not essential to send a written reply to a wed- 
ding invitation unless the cards include a break- 
fast or luncheon at the home of the bride, or bear the 
letters R. s. v. p., indicating explicitly that an answer 

1 86 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

is desired. Cards to witness a large church function 
only, need no reply. The invited guest attends or 
not as the case may be, since an invitation to the church 
is hardly regarded as a profFer of hospitality. Cards 
to a church or home wedding followed by a reception 
need no written answer, if their recipient purposes to 
attend ; the presence of the person invited serves as an 
acceptance. When it is impossible or inconvenient to 
attend a home wedding or wedding reception, the invi- 
tation must be politely acknowledged by posting or 
sending by hand, the day of the marriage, two visiting 
cards addressed to the bride's parents. The response 
to a wedding invitation bearing the letters R. s. v. p. 
should be made proniptly and formally. An accept- 
ance may be in the following form — written on the 
first page of a sheet of note paper, and addressed to 
the parents of the bride : 

Mr. and Mrs. Hugh M. Girton 

accept with pleasure the kind invitation of 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan 

to the wedding of their daughter 

on Monday afternoon^ October fifth 

at four 0* clock 

Regrets may be expressed thus : 

Mr. and Mrs, Hugh R. Girton 

regret their inability to accept the kind invitation of 

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan 

to the wedding reception of their daughter 

on Thursday afternoon^ October fifth 

at four o\lock 

Seven] I^Etltlitlgfif 187 

Cards to a silver or golden wedding reception do 
not require a formal written acceptance unless a reply 
is requested on the engraved invitation. The presence 
of the guest acknowledges the receipt of the cards and 
acceptance of the invitation, while regrets are adequately 
expressed by posting visiting cards addressed to the 
host and hostess, the day of the function, or by send- 
ing them by a messenger at the hour set for the 
reception. When a married couple post their cards, 
two of the husband's cards are inclosed with one 
of the wife's. An unmarried woman posts but one 
of her cards. An unmarried man posts two of his 

Announcement cards need no acknowledgment, 
though carefully courteous persons leave cards or call 
on the bride's parents within two weeks after receiving 
the formal notification of the marriage. Not infre- 
quently the friends of the newly wedded pair answer 
an announcement card by a brief note of congratula- 
tion addressed to the bride or groom. This can be 
done when the friend lives at a distance from the scene 
of the marriage. Another course very often wisely 
pursued when announcement cards are received is that 
of promptly posting a visiting card to the bride or 
groom, or to both, with the words, sincere good wishes 
or, hearty congratulations^ written thereon. 

Wedding Expenses 

IN society to-day the father and mother of a young 
lady about to marry assume, with few exceptions, 
all the costs and responsibilities in connection with the 
suitable celebration of her wedding. The specific ex- 
penses and duties that their position impose on them 

i88 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

may be enumerated thus : the engraving, addressing, 
and posting of invitations or announcement cards ; 
every detail of the bride's wedding dress ; the music 
and flowers and awning at the church; the servant 
on duty at the church door; the carriages that 
convey the bride and bridesmaids to the church, and 
the reception or breakBist following the church 

With the bride and her family, therefore, rests the 
decision as to whether her wedding is to be celebrated 
quietly at home or with formality and elaboration at 
church, as well as all points concerning the music, 
decorations, and the extent and type of festivity that 
shall follow the religious rites. No longer is it incum- 
bent on the bride's parents to provide their daughter 
with the linen for her new home, though it is certainly 
quite permissible for them to do so ; and furthermore, 
be it noted that they are not required to put carriages 
at the disposal of wedding guests except when the 
guests are asked from town to a wedding in the coun- 
try. Then the bride's father is of necessity obliged to 
have carriages in readiness to meet them at the railway 
station, to convey them to the church and afterwards 
to the reception, and again to the railroad station ; and 
this arrangement need not be mentioned in the in- 
vitations. Guests who are country residents may be 
expected to provide their own carriages as in town. 
If the bridegroom himself is not a country resident, 
the bride's father may place a carriage at his disposal, 
to convey the bride and himself from the church to 
the mansion, and again to the railway station after the 

In the event of a country wedding it is not often 

Seven] Wtyt^iU^ 189 

that the family of the lady concerned can afford to 
provide a special train for the convenience and comfort 
of the guests arriving from a distance ; though where 
great wealth is enjoyed by the bride's father this luxury 
IS not an uncommon adjunct to a handsome out-of- 
town wedding, and the invitations contain special cards 
that entitle the guests to seats in the reserved railway 
carriages, directions concerning which are given in the 
section on wedding invitations. 

The Bride and Her Gifts 

AS soon as her invitations are issued, a bride-elect 
will daily find herself the recipient of gifts, and 
she must personally return by note prompt and grace- 
ful thanks for every article as soon as possible 
after it arrives. Unless prevented by illness there 
is no excuse for her delegation of this task to an- 
other and none but an inconsiderate or ignorant 
person will fail in this duty or postpone its fulfil- 
ment, no matter how modest the offering may be or 
from whom it comes. The following simple modes 
for expressing appreciation of a wedding gift may be 
utilized : 

20 Bellevue Terrace^ 

May 26th^ /p — . 
Dear Mrs, Holland: 

Pray accept my warmest thanks for the handsome dishes that 
have just arrived, I am the fortunate recipient of many beauti^ 
ful gifts^ but of none more admired or highly prized than yours. 
With the hope that I will see you on my wedding day^ I am^ 

Sincerely yourSj 

Marie A, Fobom. 

I9Q Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

The Manor House^ 

September loth^ /p — . 
Dear Mr. Maxwell: 

Tour charming gift has arrived^ and I cannot tell you how 
pleased I am at the kind remembrance of one so far away. Many 
thanks for your good wishes for my future ; that will^ I am sure^ 
prove as happy as I could desire. 

Again with sincerest thanks^ believe me to be yourSy 

Janet L, Thompson, 

Wedding presents are not infrequently displayed 
on' the day of the marriage and during the reception; 
and this is especially the practice at country weddings, 
where there is apt to be no opportunity for showing 
them before the wedding. The gifts are disposed 
about a room on the drawing-room or bed-room 
floor, every article bearing the card of its donor. In 
town it is much the custom at present to show the 
bridal silver, jewels, etc., on an afternoon two or three 
days before the wedding. The bride's mother then 
sends out brief invitations on her visiting cards, ask- 
ing in the friends and relatives, and especially those 
who have sent gifts, to inspect the treasures, and beside 
every gift the card of its giver is laid. Sometimes the 
cards placed beside the gifts have their blank sides turned 
up and the number only of the gift appears thereon. 
When this course is followed an exhibition is, natur- 
ally, not held again on the wedding day. 

Selecting the Bridal Attendants 

IT is a bride's privilege to decide how many per- 
sons shall compose her escort to the altar and 
with her rests the choice not only of the maid of 
honor and the bridesmaids, but of the greater number 

Seven] I^Etltlltlgfif »9i 

of ushers. There is no rule as yet defining exactly 
the number of attendants at a wedding. Rarely do more 
than twelve bridesmaids appear at even the most 
elaborate church function to-day; and for a home 
celebration one maid of honor usually suffices. Pages 
and flower girls seem now no longer essential features 
in an extensive bridal train, though they do occasion- 
ally serve; and from six to twelve ushers can effec- 
tively care for the guests at even the largest wedding. 
The corps of bridesmaids is invariably a representative 

Soup ox the bride-elect's dearest feminine relations and 
ends; but if possible, a sister of the groom is in- 
vited to make one in her maiden escort. The maid of 
honor is usually the bride's sister or her most intimate 
girl fnend; and the pages and flower girls, when these 
pretty servitors appear, arc chosen From among the 
juvenile members ot the bride's or the groom's family. 
As soon as the marriage day is settled upon, it is 
customary to appoint the favored few whom the bride 
wishes to take part in the wedding procession. 
Courtesy demands that she call formally upon the 
young ladies she desires to so honor and ask them to 
serve. Having in consultation with her mother 
decided upon the costuming of her maids, when call- 
ing to ask their good offices she gives them in detail 
her ideas on this point, and can expect their implicit 
obedience. A wealthy and generous young woman 
may present everyone of her maids with her* gown 
complete, or give them the pretty addenda of their 
costumes, sucn as the hats, fans, shoes, gloves, and 
handkerchiefs. It is not, however, necessary for her 
to do this, though she is obligated to present every 
lady in her train with a souvenir of the occasion. In 

192 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

England to-day, and formerly in America, to the lot of 
the groom fell this duty; but it certainly seems more 
fitting for these small testimonials of gratitude and af- 
fection to be given by the bride herself, and, nowadays, 
in our fashionable society, from her they invariably 
come. Bracelets, brooches, fans, vinaigrettes or jeweled 
lorgnon chains are first in the list of pretty trifles that a 
young lady may choose to bestow; and not only 
should the souvenirs be all alike in value and orna- 
mentation, but they should be suitable for conspicuous 
use at the wedding. If the bride gives a farewell 
luncheon or dinner to her maids, the souvenirs are 
presented there and then; if not, they may be sent to 
the young ladies the day before or on the morning of 
the weddmg, the sender's visiting card being enclosed 
with each one. It is not obligatory for a bride-elect to 
entertain her girl friends at a breakfast or luncheon 
shortly before her wedding, though there is a growing 
rejudice in favor of some last formal dispensing of 
ospitality in her father's home. When ordering car- 
riages for the use of the bridesmaids on the wedding 
day, favors should be provided by the bride's family 
for the horses' lieadstalls and the coachmen's coats. 
One carriage will serve to carry two young ladies to 
and from the church. 

Though a bride-elect does not personally ask any 
one to serve as usher, she selects a number of them 
from among her own relations and friends. And when 
they have been asked and have consented to serve, she 
or her mother gives them careful directions as to the 
part they are to play in the wedding procession and in 
seating guests ; and on the morning of the wedding the 
bride sends to the house of every gentleman in her 


Seven] Wttft^tVi^ »93 

cort the boutonniere she wishes him to wear. These 
buttonhole bouquets are most of them made of what- 
ever white flower predominates in the bridal decora- 
tions — ^white carnations, white sweet peas, white rose 
buds or white orchids, as the case mpy be. 

Wedding Rehearsals 

BEFORE the celebration of an elaborate wedding 
in church the bridal party and the attendants 
should experiment with the manoeuvering and grouping 
of the bridal procession. To call a rehearsal the bride 
ascertains the day and hour when it will be possible to 
assemble the greatest number of her maids and ushers 
and then by notes or verbal request appoints the time 
and place for their assembling, and gives orders for the 
opening of the church. The bride's mother may take 
occasion to entertain the young people at a luncheon or 
dinner after or before the rehearsal ; but this is not 
necessary, and any morning, afternoon or evening 
agreed upon the persons chosen may gather at the 
church and practice the designed order of procession, 
until prompt and graceful manoeuvering on the wedding 
day is insured. 

Setting the Wedding Day and Hour 

WEDDINGS are celebrated the year around, for 
in this enlightened new century of ours there 
is little or no belief reposed in the old-time supersti- 
tion that ill or good luck will befall a couple according 
as they choose an unpropidous or traditionally fortunate 
season in which to pledge their marriage vows. Fash- 
ion, however, decrees in favor of spring or autumn, 
when the weather is apt to be mild and sunshiny and 

194 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the flowers are in full glory, and June and October, for 
this reason, are par excellence the favorite bridal 
months in the twelve. The Lenten days form usually 
the only period when no weddings of any splendor are 
ever celebrated. A tradition, that is the outgrowth of 
ancient superstitious fear, still maintains the unlucki- 
ness of Friday ; but all other days of the week, save 
Sunday, seem equally favored by brides. And any 
hour between half past ten in the morning and nine at 
night is perfectly fitting to celebrate, with a greater or 
less degree of conventional pomp and circumstance, the 
plighting of marriage vows. Weddings that take place 
before twelve o'clock are as a rule, however, small 
family affairs, conducted at that hour to facilitate the 
departure of the bride and groom on a suddenly 
planned journey, or because mourning or illness pre- 
vents more elaborate recognition of the occasion. A 
wedding of the extremest fashion is usually celebrated 
at high noon, or twelve o'clock precisely, in imitation 
of the English custom, though the greater number of 
marriages every season occur in the afternoon. All 
things considered, society has chosen wisely in favor 
of the marriage solemnized between three and six 
o'clock of an autumn or spring afternoon, when the 
majority of invited guests are at leisure to appear at 
the church, when an easily conducted reception can 
succeed the ceremony, and when ample time is af- 
forded the bride and her mother to prepare every de- 
tail of the designed entertainment. Night weddings 
are neither so fashionable nor so frequent now as 
in former times, for the very good reason that they 
are not so easily nor effectively managed as day wed- 

Seven] Wftft^iti^ 195 

Preparation for a Church Wedding 

WELL in advance of the wedding day, the bride 
and her mother discuss and settle with the 
church organist what musical selections shall be played 
at the entrance and departure of the bridal procession. 
If there are to be elaborate decorations a norist must 
be consulted and given explicit directions. If the time 
is the spring and the place a city, the chancel would be 
banked with fine palms and there would be vases of 
flowers placed on the altar, wreaths draped about the 
reading-desks, chancel rail and choir stalls, and a rope 
of flowers cast across the centre aisle in place of the 
traditional white ribbon. Let the scene be changed to 
a picturesque village church and then the most admir- 
able decorative effects will be secured by the use of 
flowers from the field or the neighboring gardens ; and 
in such a locality, only when the weatner is most un- 
propitious need an awning be placed at the church 
door. In the city an awning is one of the luxuries of 
large, fashionable weddings, whether the weather be 
fair or foul. Under the awning a strip of carpet is laid 
from the pavement's edge to the church door and a 
man in livery is always stationed to open carriage doors, 
give checks for identifying carriages, and to call the 
vehicles when again needed. Haltan hour before the 
time appointed for the ceremony the church doors 
should be opened and the decorations should be in 
readiness, the organist be at his instrument and the 
ushers be ready to show the guests to their seats. For 
a small and simple city wedding the awning and carpet 
are unnecessary ; the sexton prepares and opens the 
church and sees that everything is in readiness. 

196 Encycloptsdia of Etiquette [Chapter 


When a White Ribbon is Used 

THE first two, four, six or eight pews nearest the 
chancel and to the right and left of the centre 
aisle, are always reserved for the accommodation of the 
bride's and groom's families and their nearest friends ; 
and whether or not a length of white satin ribbon or a 
wreath of flowers shall form a barrier between these 
favored few and the rest of the company is a question 
that a good many brides now answer in the negative, 
prefernng to draw no such obvious distinction between 
their friends. In consequence, at many a wedding the 
ushers are instructed merely to reserve pew space for 
the families of the bride and groom, and seat all other 
guests as conveniently and comfortably as possible, 
and without special discrimination. Misunderstand- 
ings and heartburnings, so often the consequence of an 
ill-judged bestowal of the honor of a seat above the 
white ribbon, have induced many to forego its use en- 
tirely. But for all that, it does sometimes play its part 
at a wedding, and then to every usher must be given a 
list of those persons entitled to sit above the barrier, or 
else — and this is a more modern and also a more con- 
venient device — there must be inclosed in the invita- 
tions to those selected to sit above the ribbon a card 
bearing the number of the pew which the recipient is 
appointed to occupy in the circle of honor. 

A Fashionable Church Ceremony 

A BRIDE should make every effort to appear at 
the church door exactly on the stroke of the 
hour named in her invitations and with this object in 
view her maids and the maid of honor should be di- 

Seven] Wttft^iXi^ 197 

rected to assemble in their carriages in good time before 
their friend's door. Anticipating her daughter's de- 
parture by a few moments, the bride's mother drives, 
with those of her children who are to take no part in 
the bridal procession, to the church, and on the arm 
of the head usher she walks to her seat — in the first 
pew to the left, at the top of the centre aisle. As soon 
as all the bridesmaids appear before tne door, the bride 
enters her carriage with her father and bringing up the 
rear of the line of vehicles, proceeds immediately to the 
church. When these carriages arrive before the church, 
the way under the awning, the vestibule and the cen- 
tre aisle are cleared of guests by the ushers ; the doors 
of the vestibule leading into the church and into the 
street are closed ; and the bride and her maids, hav- 
ing left their carriages, assemble in the vestibule. As 
soon as the bridal carriages draw up at the church door, 
news of their arrival is sent to the groom and the 
organist is warned to be on the alert for a signal to be 
given by the opening of the doors at the foot of the 
centre aisle. When the cortege is in readiness to pro- 
ceed, the sexton and his assistant open wide the vesti- 
bule doors and then as the wedding march peals forth 
the ushers, walking two and two, advance first toward 
the chancel, followed by the bridesmaids in similar 
order. Behind these moves the bride, leaning on the 
arm of her father and immediately preceded by her 
maid of honor, who walks alone. Arriving at the foot 
of the chancel steps, the ushers break ranks, one half 
of their number moving up to the right and the 
other to the left, thus forming segments of an arc on 
either side of that point where the bride and groom are 
to stand. The bridesmaids follow the same manoeuvre. 

198 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

passing up higher into the chancel between the ranks 
of the ushers, to stand, one half at the top of the line 
of gentlemen on the left and the other half at the top 
of the line on the right, and thereby completing the 
crescent that seems to partially enclose or frame the chief 
bridal group. At the foot of the chancel steps, the 
bride slips ner hand from the arm of her father and 
puts it into the right hand of the groom, who has ad- 
vanced to meet her, and thus she is led between the 
two lines of bridesmaids and ushers, her maid of honor 
on the left and her father behind her, to her place 
before the clergyman. Arrived at this point, she draws 
her hand from the arm of the groom and the religious 
rite begins. During the preliminary exhortation the 
maid of honor stands at the bride's left, but a pace in 
her rear, and her father remains, until the moment of 
giving her away, directly behind either the maid of 
honor or his daughter. Just as the moment for this 
ceremony arrives, the bride usually gives the maid of 
honor her bouquet, and when the clergyman inquires 
IVho giveth this woman to this man ? the father, advanc- 
ing between the bride and groom, takes his daughter's 
right hand, lays it in that of the groom, bowmg his 
acquiescence as he murmurs, / do. He then imme- 
diately steps down to the first pew at the left of the 
aisle, to find a seat beside his wife. When the ring is 
to be adjusted the bride, if she removes her glove, gives 
it also to the maid of honor, and not until the final 
blessing is spoken does she accept her bouquet and 
glove again. 

The rite all spoken, the bride turns to leave 
the altar, placing her left hand on the arm of 
her husband. At that moment the organ peals 

Seven] Wttft^VX^ ^99 

forth another triumphant wedding march, and 
leading the way the happy pair move down the aisle, 
followed by the maid of honor on the arm of the best 
man, while in their rear come the bridesmaids, every 
young lady on the arm of an usher. When the bride 
and groom reach the church door, their carriage should 
be found awaiting them; and entering it, they drive off 
at once, followed by the best man and the maid of 
honor in another carriage. Then the maids and 
ushers leave the church and take carriages in the order 
in which they came down the aisle, and drive off in 
rapid succession after the bride and groom. As soon 
as the wedding party have passed down the aisle, the 
bride's family follow and in turn drive off; but not 
until the whole bridal party and the special guests have 
passed out are the church doors opened wide and left 
unguarded to permit the departure of the guests in 
general. Music is discoursed by the organist until the 
last seat is vacated. 

Such is the simplest method of celebrating a fash- 
ionable church wedding, a method on which the 
preferences of every bride play almost countless 
variations. It is, for example, a frequent and a 
pretty practice to have a picturesquely gowned 
child as maid of honor; also for the bride to be 
preceded from the altar by a couple of little girls, 
who strew rose leaves from delicate baskets in her 
path, while her train is born by pages in satin court 
costumes who carry wands wreathed in white ribbons. 
Weddings are sometimes prettily varied by all the 
bridesmaids entering first from the vestry room door, 
proceeding down the centre aisle and there meeting 
the bride and escorting her to the altar. In the group- 

200 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ing of attendants in the chancel various changes are 
possible and sometimes requisite. If a bride, as is 
not infrequently the case, has no other feminine at- 
tendant than a maid of honor, the ushers may precede 
her to the altar or not, as she herself wishes and di- 
rects. If they do not, then the head ushers hasten 
from the church to the home of her parents, in order 
to meet her and the groom on the threshold and give 
them welcome, and the maid of honor walks down the 
aisle on the arm of the best man. When a bride has 
no maid of honor gnd no bridesmaids, her father re- 
mains beside her throughout the ceremony and holds 
her bouquet and glove when the ring is placed. When 
a bride is to be given away by her mother she does not 
walk up the aisle with her mother, but on the arm of 
a young brother or quite alone, and when the 
clergyman asks who gives her away, the mother 
merely rises in her pew, bows her acquiescence and 
reseats herself. While going up and down the church 
aisle, a bride should preserve an air of quiet dignity, 
looking neither to right nor left, and making no at- 
tempt to recognize or discern the friendly foces and 
admiring glances that border her path. 

Home Weddings 

EXCEEDINGLY handsome and fashionable wed- 
dings are frequently solemnized nowadays in the 
home of the bride or in spacious hotel drawing rooms ; 
as a rule in the presence of but a few near relatives, and 
followed a half hour later by an elaborate reception and 
breakfast at which a concourse of friends appear. As 
it is difficult to manoeuvre an effective bridal procession 
in any but the most splendid and spacious mansions. 

Seven] Wttft^iU^ ^oi 

few home weddings are celebrated with a train of maids. 
This, however, is not an impossible achievement, and 
beautiful weddings have been conducted in country 
houses by utilizing the most spacious room on the 
parlor floor as a temporary chapel, embowering one 
end of it in flowers, measuring oflF an ample aisle space 
by white ribbons, and to the sound of the wedding 
march from a concealed orchestra, marshalling the 
bridal party down a wide stairway, through a broad 
hall and so into the presence of the guests and clergy- 
man. This is done frequently in country neighbor- 
hoods when the only church is at an inconvenient 
distance from the bride's home. In the city a home 
wedding is apt to be the choice of a bride, who rather 
shrinks from the expense, labor, and publicity that a 
church wedding entails ; or a home wedding is some- 
times necessitated by the fact that the bride and groom 
profess diflPerent religious creeds. At even the most 
ceremonious home wedding, held in the ordinary city 
house, the bride is rarely attended by more than two 
bridesmaids ; frequently and preferably, by a single 
maid of honor. In preparation for the event all the 
lower floor or living rooms of the house are set in order 
and garnished with flowers and a floral arch or a tem- 
porary altar is erected in that room where the bride and 
groom will pledge their vows. A quarter of an hour 
before the marriage takes place, guests will begin 
to appear, and the bride's mother, standing by the 
drawing-room door and assisted by her husband or 
some of her sons or daughter^, receives them. As 
soon as the groom, the best man and the clergyman 
arrive, they are directed by the servant at the door to a 
room placed especially at their disposal, where the 

202 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

clergyman may don his robes, and where the three re- 
main until the time draws near for the ceremony. When 
the bride is ready to proceed to the altar, a message to 
that effect is conveyed to the groom, his attendant and 
the clergyman, and they then go at once to the draw- 
ing-room and stand waiting for the bride. At the head 
of the stairs the bride is met by her father, who gives 
her his arm and, with the maid of honor preceding them, 
they descend and enter the drawing-room. At this 
moment the orchestra of stringed instruments, that from 
its secluded corner has discoursed melodiously during 
the arrival of the guests, receives a warning and begins 
the wedding march. Just before the bride reaches the 
threshold of the drawing-room, white satin ribbons are 
drawn down through the crowd of guests by, perhaps, 
two of her young brothers or sisters, or by little pages, 
so as to form a lane reaching from the door she is 
to enter by to the place where the groom and the minis- 
ter stand awaiting her. Guests will fall away naturally 
to either side of these barriers, and the mother and the 
immediate family of the bride move so as to stand on 
her left and the nearest to her of all the persons outside 
the ribbons. 

The order of the ceremony is identical with that of 
the ceremony at a church wedding. As the last blessing 
is given the white ribbons are hastily rolled up. The 
clergyman then offers his congratulations and at once 
makes his way out to take off his robes ; or, if he wears 
no special robes, he quietly slips from his place and the 
bride and groom step into it, racing the assembled com- 
pany. The bridal attendants, ir there are any, face 
about in the same way, maintaining their position near 
the bride, and the reception or breakfast proceeds. 

Seven] WtVOiU^ 203 

The Wedding Reception 

A FASHIONABLE wedding celebrated in the 
afternoon or in the evening is followed by a re- 
ception, whether the marriage takes place in church, at 
the home of the bride's parents or in hotel parlors rented 
for the occasion. A bridal reception differs from that 
given in honor of a debutante only in respect to cer- 
tain minor details. The drawing-room floor is opened 
to its fullest extent and adorned with flowers. For an 
afternoon reception artificial light is only used in the 
city and when the day is dark. In spring or summer 
in the country, if the bride's home is set in the midst 
of pretty lawns and flower beds, the reception can 
very effectively be carried out exactly after the man- 
ner of a garden party, the bride and groom standing to 
receive their friends under the trees, while refresh- 
ments are served from tables placed beneath striped 
awnings. At a wedding, champagne is the beverage 
poured for the guests and in addition, punch or red 
or white wines may be served. On a table placed con- 
spicuously in the main hallway are heaped small white 
boxes filled with rich fruit cake, each bearing in gilt or 
silver the initials of the surnames of groom and bride. 
These are prepared by the caterer, one for every guest, 
and are meant to serve in the place of the slice from 
the bride's loaf to which, in other days, every guest 
was entitled and that now is rarely seen at any wed- 
ding. Frequently the confectioner is ordered to erect 
from pastry, sugar, and gilded loaves a splendid 
"bride's cake" to occupy the centre of a table in the 
dining-room; but this is a hollow sham, not to be cut, 
and contains no ring or thimble. Occasionally at wed- 

204 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

dings a bridal register, bound in white, having in- 
itials of the bride and groom and the date in gold 
lettering on the cover, is placed, with pen and ink, in 
the half or library. The dozen or more blank pages 
of this volume are filled with the signatures of the guests. 

How the Bride Receives 

ARRIVING after the church ceremony at her par- 
ents' home, the bride, with the groom, goes at 
once to the drawing-room. As her maids and nearest 
relations appear she throws back her veil to receive the 
kisses and expressions of congratulation ; and then the 
bride and groom stand together under a group of 
floral wedding bells or before a screen of flowers, the 
bridesmaids forming a line or group to the left of the 
bride. The parents of the bnde stand together near 
the door by which the guests enter, and the father and 
mother of the groom are conspicuously present at 
some other point in the room. Guests are not an- 
nounced at a wedding reception, but are allowed to 
join at once the line rapidly passing in review before 
the bride and groom, tne ushers taking care to see that 
all strangers to the bride are properly introduced. 
The bride greets everyone with extended hand and 
cordial thanks for his kind speeches. To those who 
but briefly address her she need only say. How do you 
do; thank you so much, or My dear Mrs. Blanky it is so 
good of you to say so many kind and flattering thingSy or 

/ thank you Mr. . If I look as happy as I feel then I 

must be the picture of content y or // is most reassuring to 
hear yoUy for I confess I was terribly nervous, or How 
kind you are. Indeed I do feel as if there were nothing 
left to wish for in the world. 

Seven] Wttft^tXtSfi 205 

While guests are still arriving the bride and groom 
are not privileged to leave their places. When no 
ushers are at hand to make introductions, the bride 
presents her husband to those of her friends whom he 
does not know, exacting from him a like service when 
his friends arrive. It is quite easy for her to say, Tou 
have not met my bus bandy I tbinky Miss Blank? George y 
I wisb to introduce you. Miss Blank is saying tbe kindest 

tbings to us botby or How do you doy Mr. . Pray let 

me introduce my busbandy who I believe bas not yet met you. 

It is a mistake for a bride to detain a friend for 
even a short conversation as long as guests are press- 
ing forward for recognition. Throughout the recep- 
tion the bride's mother must not leave her place in the 
drawing-room. Nearly every guest will wish to speak 
to her before or after greeting the bride and groom, 
and, however deeply her feelings may be stirred, she 
should make every effort to maintain a calm and cheer- 
ful expression before her friends, greeting everyone 
with a kindly hand clasp and responding with a few 
gracious words to congratulations on the successful con- 
duct of the church ceremonial and beauty of the bride. 

There is no special obligation for the host of the 
occasion to remain at his wife's side throughout the 
reception. Ordinarily he receives with her for a half 
hour or more, and then devotes himself to bestowing 
friendly attention and talk where they are most needed, 
finding chairs for matrons in the dining-room, seeing 
that their wants are satisfied and so on ; and he gives 
special attention to the mother or the nearest woman 
relative of the groom present. If the bride enters the 
dining-room at all, she does so on the arm of her hus- 
band. Frequently she prefers to keep her position in 

2o6 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the drawing-room until the time draws near for her de- 
parture. Tnen she disappears quietly, with a sister or one 
or more of her bridesmaids, and returns in her traveling 
gown to find her husband awaiting her at the foot of 
the stairs, along with the ushers, bridesmaids, her 
family and those friends who linger to see her depar- 
ture. Of these she takes leave, last of all embracing 
her mother, and drives off with her husband amid 
showers of rice and satin slippers. 

Evening Wedding Receptions 

ALL the foregoing rules, as far as practicable, apply 
also to a reception held after a marriage celebrated 
in the evening. Rarely nowadays do we hear of weddings 
followed by dancing, a custom common enough a half 
century ago. When a bride wishes to break through 
the formal regulations of the present fashion and dance 
at her wedding, she first receives her guests in the 
regular way, and after the majority of the persons in- 
vited have arrived she treads the first measure with 
her husband, or else with the best man, in which case 
the groom oflFers his hand to the maid of honor or the 
first bridesmaid. According to a pretty, old fashion, 
the ball may be opened by a double set of lancers in 
which only the bride, groom, bridesmaids and ushers 
take part, the guests looking on meanwhile. For such 
a wedding entertainment a buflfet supper is served 
throughout the evening. 

Wedding Breakfasts 

A WEDDING breakfast is a function not to be 
attempted unless the invitation list has 
been limited to the bridal party and a few near rela- 

Seven] WtVt^iU^ ^^7 

tives and particular friends, or unless the bride's par- 
ents enjoy unlimited means and have a spacious mansion, 
or can afford to secure for the occasion a handsome 
ample suite of apartments in a hotel or restaurant. At 
so few wedding breakfasts or luncheons are guests 
seated at one long table that this form of entertain- 
ment need not be considered here. The practice that 
now prevails, and probably will prevail for many years 
to come, favors the seating of guests at a number of 
small tables in one or more rooms on the drawing- 
room floor. The assistance of an accomplished caterer 
is almost imperative if a wedding breakfast is ventured 
on, and as all those invited to breakfast may be re- 
quested to answer their invitations, the hostess of the 
occasion can give the caterer the exact number of per- 
sons for whose needs he must provide. Unless it is 
in the depth of the winter and the day proves very 
dark, the breakfast should not be eaten by artificial 
light. Music is usually supplied, and is placed as for a 
reception; and in the room or rooms where the tables 
are spread there are ample floral decorations — tall 
palms distributed among the furniture and bowls of 
flowers on every table add much to the beauty and 
gaiety of the scene. An ample force of men servants 
in evening livery is required in order that proper at- 
tention be given to all the guests. One table, larger 
than the others, placed in the centre or at one end of 
the dining-room and especially decorated with silver 
leaves and a nougat temple, white flowers, and handsome 
silver, is reserved for the bridal party. No other 
seats or tables are apt to be reserved; nor are cards of 
location often placed at other covers, since it is found 
more convenient to let the guests choose their seats and 

2o8 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

tables as they like or under the guidance of the 

Whether the wedding breakfast follows a church or 
a home ceremony, the bride and groom and their par- 
ents receive in a drawing-room, as directed in the 
paragraphs concerning receptions. When all the in- 
vited guests have arrived, the doors of the dining- 
room are opened, and the bride and groom enter first, 
the bride leaning on her husband's arm. The ushers 
and maids of honor follow; then the bride's father 
takes in the groom's mother or nearest woman rela- 
tive present, and finally the guests in general enter in 
the order that pleases them oest. The . men do not 
give the women their arms as at a dinner, but the 
hostess lingers to see that no woman is without an es- 
cort. As a rule, the hostess goes in last, on the arm 
of the groom's father; and the breakfast is served in 
its regular courses. 

If the bride cuts a cake, the first slices are given to 
those at the bridal table; but at a breakfast a cake is 
rarely or never served. Instead, the boxes of plummy 
loaf are supplied in the hallway. 

The Groom 

IN the selection of the best man the groom consults 
his personal preferences entirely, chosing for his 
supporter an intimate friend or his own brother. 
Though tradition and custom still hold in favor of a 
bachelor best man, a married friend or relative is not 
ineligible to this office. In consultation with his 
fiancee, the groom makes up the list of ushers when a 
church wedding is to be solemnized, for though the 
lady may and does usually select the majority of these 

Seven] WtVt}iU^ 209 

attendants, to the groom falls the duty of requesting 
them to serve. Quite unceremoniously, in the street 
or business office or through the medium of a brief 
note, a gentleman can ask his friends and those of the 
bride to act as best man and ushers. The fees for the 
marriage license and the clergyman, and for the sexton 
for opening and lighting the church, are paid by the 
groom. If more than one clergyman officiates at 
the tying of the knot then both will expect substantial 
recognition of their services. Not less than five dollars 
is given by the man who has sufficient means to justify 
his entering the married state, while twenty-five dollars 
is the minimum fee in fashionable society. And as 
regards the friends or relatives of the bride or bride- 
groom asked to officiate, it rests with the bridegroom 
to determine whether to give some memento of the 
occasion, such as a piece of silver plate or something 
equally valuable, or a money fee corresponding to that 
given to the rector or vicar, although oftener than not, 
when the relationship is a very near one — that of 
brother or uncle, for instance — this recognition of ser- 
vices is dispensed with. In addition to paying the fees 
above mentioned, the groom must tip the sexton, if 
the church is opened for a rehearsal ; and he must pro- 
vide the marriage ring, the bride's bouquet, the bou- 
quets of the bridesmaids and, if -he desires, neck- 
ties and gloves for the best man and the ushers. The 
sleeve-links or scarf-pins that he gives to the best man 
and ushers as souvenirs seem nowadays to be almost as 
essential as the clergyman's fee. The groom sends 
carriages to convey the ushers to and from the church 
and he provides not only the carriage in which he and 
his best man go to the church, but also the one in 

2IO Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

which he and his bride drive away after the ceremony. 
The groom should play the part of host to a best man 
who has to come from a distant place in order to serve ; 
and if both groom and best man come from a distance 
for the wedding and travel on together the groom is 
entitled to offer to pay the best man's traveling ex- 
penses and to assume at the hotel where they put up 
the burden and privilege of a host, though this is not 
an obligation. 

The Farewell Bachelor Dinner 

IN fashionable society this is an habitual but cer- 
tainly not a necessary feast, given by the groom in 
the week or fortnight preceding his wedding. It is 
celebrated either atnis home, at his favorite club or in 
the private dining-room of a hotel. To this the ushers 
and the best man are invited, in addition to any other 
male guests he may desire. At the table, the best man 
is seated on the host's right hand, or assists in doing 
the honors at the foot or the table. At their covers 
are placed the souvenirs for the ushers and whether 
other toasts are drunk or not, one to the bride is never 
omitted, the host proposing her name and all the guests 
rising glass in hand to do her honor. 

It is a rule for the neckties and souvenirs for the 
ushers and best man to be given them on the occasion 
of the farewell dinner. They are done up for every 
guest in boxes tied with white ribbons and laid on or 
beside their plates. When the list of guests includes 
other guests than the best man and ushers, these testi- 
monials of the groom's gratitude are best handed to 
the persons for whom they are intended when they 
make ready to depart. 

Seven] WttihtXt^ ^ 1 1 

When no farewell dinner is given the souvenirs 
arc distributed the day before the wedding. They 
should be as nearly alike as possible except that for 
the best man a handsomer and more distinctive me- 
mento is usually chosen. 

The Groom at the Wedding 

A GENUINELY considerate man does not, when 
an elaborate ceremonial has been arranged, at- 
tempt to see his bride on the wedding day until she comes 
to him at the altar. If a twelve o'clock wedding is 
planned, he will find it most convenient to breakfast 
with his best man and drive with him to the church. 
If an afternoon ceremony is arranged, they would 
lunch together, and arriving at the church, go in by a 
side door to the vestry room, there to wait news of the 
bride's coming. To the best man the groom gives the 
fee and the ring, the first in form of a single gold coin 
or a crisp new bill or a check folded very small. 

When the signal is given that the bride is at the 
church door, the groom, with his cloves and hat in 
one hand (if he carries his hat into the chancel at all), 
walks into the chancel behind the clergyman, followed 
by the best man. Outside the communion rail, to the 
left of the minister, he stands facing the congregation 
until the bride appears. Giving gloves and hat to the 
best man, he moves down to the foot of the chancel 
steps to meet the bride, extending his right hand as she 
draws near to lead her to her place at his left and fac- 
ing the clergyman. Just as the time for adjusting the 
ring arrives the best man places it in the palm or the 
groom. As soon as the ceremony is concluded, the 
duty of the nkewly made husband is to wheel about and. 

212 Rncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

facing the congregation, draw his wife's hand through 
his arm. Accepting his hat and gloves from tne 
best man, he, with his wife beside him, walks at 
once down the aisle and out to the street, and drives 

The Groom at a Wedding Reception 

THE role of a bridegroom at a wedding reception 
is simple enough. Having laid aside his hat 
and gloves, he stands at his wife's side in the drawing- 
room and receives the introductions and congratula- 
tions with a hand shake and polite acknowledgments 
such as. Thank you. I do indeed feel I am blessed quite 
beyond my deserts y or How do you do. Tou are very kind. 
If the bride wishes to enter the dining-room, her hus- 
band gives her his arm, and at a wedding breakfast he 
leads the way to the dining-room with his wife on his 

The Groom at a Home Wedding 

WHEN, at a home wedding, the groom enjoys 
the services of a best man, he drives with his 
friend to the home of the bride's parents some fifteen 
minutes in advance of the time set for the ceremony; 
and he gives to the best man both the ring and the fee. 
On their arrival, they go at once to the room reserved 
for their use. Hats, coats, and gloves are laid aside, 
and when warned that the bride is about to descend, 
the two go down to the drawing-room preceded by 
the clergyman. The groom goes forward to meet the 
bride as she enters and leads her before the officiating 
priest or minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony, 
he turns and stands facing the guests, his wife at his 

Seven] l^etHtltttgfit 2 '3 

right hand, and receives the congratulations. At the 
moment the bride leaves the drawing-room or break- 
fast-room to put off her wedding gown for a traveling 
gown, the groom hurries to the dressing-room set 
aside for his use — that is, if he and his wife are to set 
off at once for a wedding journey — and hastens to ex- 
change his wedding clothes for a complete traveling 
suit, having, on the morning of the wedding day, sent 
a bag or dress-suit case containing his traveling outfit to 
the home of the bride, in order to make this change 
there. The change made, he places his wedding gar- 
ments in the satchel or case in which the other suit was 
brought. If no wedding journey is planned, and the 
bride and groom purpose to drive but a few blocks or 
miles to their new home, or to a hotel where rooms 
have been engaged, the groom makes no change in his 
dress; but having put on his overcoat and gloves, 
stands, hat in hand, at the foot of the stairs to await the 
bride's descent. On her reappearance, he takes leave 
of all the waiting friends and relatives and drives 
away at once with his wife. 

The Best Man 

TH E duties of one who serves as best man are sim- 
ple and easy to perform. The first obligation 
is to purchase and forward a suitable wedding gift to 
the bride. Now and then a best man will set aside the 
rule of etiquette that dictates that all wedding presents 
shall be given to the bride, and bestow some token of 
personal regard upon the groom instead. A smoking- 
set, silver toilet articles or desk conveniences may, for 
example, be marked with the groom's initials and sent 
in good time to that gentleman's home. This course. 

214 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

however, is not frequently followed, despite the fact 
that there is nothing to be urged against it as regards 
justice and appropriateness. 

It all depends upon the groom's wishes whether 
the best man shall lend assistance in planning and pre- 
paring for the wedding journey, in procuring the ring 
and the license, and in the settlement of the many 
business and social details involved in so important an 
event. Assuredly the best man is required to place 
his time and services wholly at his friend's disposal. If 
there is no wedding rehearsal, he will still do well to 
familiarize himself as far as possible with the role he is 
to enact in the ceremony and especially take care to 
make exact disposition of the ring and the minister's 
fee. When the ceremony is to be elaborate he will play 
the part of a good friend by gaining such knowledge 
of it in advance that he will be able to prompt or 
assist the groom, should that gentleman's pres- 
ence of mind desert him at the altar, as so frequently 

A best man leaves the question of his conveyance 
to and from the church in the hands of the groom. 
The latter may wish his supporter to drive with him to 
the scene of the ceremony after they have lu-nched to- 
gether. Otherwise, the best man will find a carriage at 
his disposal, and if he drives alone to the church he 
should not fail to reach the vestry-room door at least a 
quarter of an hour in advance of the bride's anticipated 
arrival. To him, as a rule, is given the ring and the 
fee, and these he places, the ring in his right and the 
fee in his left-hand waistcoat pocket, and tne very last 
moment before entering the chancel makes quite sure 
they are both safe and accessible. 

Seven] Wttit}iXl^ 215 

The Groom and Best Man's Hats 

A QUESTION that calls for consideration is — 
What is the proper disposition for the best man 
to make of his own and the groom's hat? One of the 
best man's most obvious duties is' supposed to be the 
guardianship of the groom's hat and gloves during the 
ceremony, and it stands to reason that if he takes his 
own hat and gloves into the chancel and also assumes 
the care of his friend's belongings, he will not only pre- 
sent a ludicrous spectacle as he stands through the ser- 
vice with a silk hat in either hand, but when the mo- 
ment for presentation of the ring arrives he will be 
unable, without awkwardly laying aside at least one hat 
and one pair of gloves, to fulfil his allotted and 
most important office in the programme. In recent 
seasons, at well ordered weddings hats have not been 
carried into the chancel. In the vestry the best man 
takes charge of his friend's hat and, placing it with his 
own, sends them by a trusty person to the door of 
the church, so that when the bridal procession files out 
they may be delivered back to the owners just as they 
are passing to their respective carriages. This is the 
course when the best man on coming out is to walk 
down the aisle with a maid of honor on his arm. At 
a wedding where there is no maid of honor the best 
man can, if he prefers, leave his own hat and gloves 
in the vestry room, and when the ceremony is over 
make his exit from the church through the vestry, to 
find his carriage awaiting him at a side door. This 
leaves him free to hold the groom's hat and gloves and 
still present the ring and the fee. 

As soon as the news of the bride's arrival before 

2i6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the church door is conveyed to the vestry-room, the 
best man, walking behind both the clergyman and the 
groom, enters the chancel, and facing the congrega- 
tion, stands at the left of his friend and outside the 
communion rail. If a portion of the service is spoken 
at the foot of the chancel steps, the best man follows 
the groom when the latter goes forward to meet the 
bride, standing a step in the rear. When the couple 
go up into the chancel for their final vows, he again 
follows, and remains a pace behind the groom. An- 
ticipating the moment the ring is to come into re- 
quisition, he advances and places it in his friend's 
hand, and at the conclusion of the ceremony, handing 
the groom his hat and gloves, he slips the envelope 
containing the fee into the clergyman's hand. 

If his exit is to be made with a maid of honor, he 
immediately follows the bride and groom with the 
maid of honor on his right arm, hands her into the 
carriage directly behind that of the bride and groom, 
and entering himself, the two drive to the reception. 
When no maid of honor serves, the best man should 
hasten from the church by the side door, and driving 
by the shortest route to the home of the bride's par- 
ents, anticipate the arrival of the bride and groom and 
be the first to offer them a welcome and good wishes. 

Quite within the scope of his duties at the wedding 
reception is the task of assisting the ushers in present- 
ing guests to the bride and the groom and in attending 
to the wants of the women guests in the dining-room. 
At a wedding breakfast he takes the maid of honor or 
the first bridesmaid to a seat at the bridal table. 
Toward the conclusion of the reception or breakfast, 
or as soon as the bride and groom leave the room to 

Seven] Wtyt}iXl^ a«7 

make ready for their journey, he drives to the dock or 
railway station from which they are to take their de- 

Where the arrangement of the wedding journey has 
been confided to his nands, he secures the proper state- 
rooms, seats, or sleeping-coach section several days in 
advance; orders flowers, fruit, and current literature for 
the diversion of the travelers ; sees that their checked 
luggage is safely on board and their hand luggage 
properly placed ; gives the groom the tickets and 
Itinerary, and waits to bid him and his bride godspeed 
and wave them adieu. 

The services of a best man seem nowadays essen- 
tial for a home wedding. Driving with the groom to 
the bride's home, he accompanies his friend to the 
room set apart for their use and there awaits the signal 
of the bride's readiness. He then follows the groom 
to the drawing-room, and fulfills his part of the cere- 
mony precisely as laid down in the foregoing para- 
graphs. No hats are carried into the drawmg-room to 
harass the mind of the best man ; and at the conclu- 
sion of the ceremony he proceeds to employ himself as 
set forth in the directions for a wedding reception or 

A best man who is keenly alive to all the refine- 
ments of etiquette calls upon the bride's mother a 
fortnight after the wedding at which he has served, and 
upon the bride and groom as soon as they return from 
their honeymoon. If he feels any doubt as to the 

E roper form in which to offer his felicitations to the 
ride and groom he may safely say to the former, Lef 
me offer hearty good wishes for your life-long happiness. 
To the groom, The congratulations of an envious bache- 

2i8 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

lor be on your beady my dear fellow. Tou have secured 
the capital prize in life's lottery. Or, // is impossible to 
wish you any greater good fortune than you have bad to- 
day y or to offer you congratulations more sincere than mine. 

The Ushers 

USHERS receive all directions as to their conduct 
at a wedding from the bride or her mother. A 
man who has consented to serve as an usher should 
make an effort to appear at the wedding rehearsal, if 
one is called. He must send the bride a gift, and on 
the day of the marriage be at the church at least twenty 
minutes before the doors open, in order to seat the 
prompt guests. 

On those gentlemen who are appointed head ushers 
falls the duty of taking note, before the doors are opened, 
that the decorations, the lights and the ventilation 
are properly arranged, and that the organist has arrived 
and knows what music is to be played. If a white 
ribbon is to be used, the ushers calculate the number 
of pews that must be reserved and stretch the ribbon 
at tne proper place across the centre aisle. The bride 
supplies a yard or two of satin ribbon ; to either end of 
the ribbon a weight is fastened, and the weights, placed 
in the ends of opposite pews, hold the ribbon quite 
taut and firm. If reserved seats are not barred off by 
a ribbon, the head ushers take every precaution to keep 
clear a few pews at the top of the centre aisle for the 
use of the families of the bride and groom. 

In case a close canvass has been made of the fami- 
lies concerned and the bride has drawn up a list of the 
persons destined for the seats of honor, it is every 
usher's duty to try and familiarize himself in some 

Seven] Wttft^tXl^ "9 

measure with the names on the list, so as not to force a 
wedding guest to stand awkwardly waiting while he 
scans his paper to identify their pew numbers. Ushers 
follow the general rule of seating relatives and friends 
of the groom to the right of the centre aisle, and those 
of the bride to the left. Ushers in the side aisles re- 
quest those guests that are to sit above the white rib- 
bon to appeal for seats to the gentlemen serving in the 
centre aisle. At very fashionable weddings the usher 
gives his right arm to every lady whom he escorts to a 
pew. This courtesy, however, is sometimes difficult 
of graceful execution, when a woman is accompanied 
by a man or when several ladies arrive at the church 
together. Then the usher merely bows to indicate his 
readiness to serve, asks how many there are in the 
group, and walks beside the party or precedes them 
up the aisle and inquires whether they are friends of 
the bride or of the groom. To a lady arriving alone 
he can most appropriately offer his arm, and he may 
ask her name, if that is necessary to satisfy himself as 
to her proper location. 

On the appearance of the bride's mother, a 
head usher gives her his arm to her seat. And when 
the first carriage of the bridal party arrives, the head 
ushers order the central front doors of the church 
closed and the centre aisle swiftly cleared, and while 
the head ushers go into the vestibule to greet the bride 
and her maids, the assistant ushers stand so as to pre- 
vent any guests from entering the centre aisle. 

As soon as the vestibule doors are opened and the 
head ushers advance into the aisle, the assistant ushers 
fall into ranks behind them, walking two and two, and 
all proceed to such positions in the chancel as the bride 

220 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

and her mother have appointed for them and they 
have usually learned at rehearsal. When after the 
ceremony the bride and groom pass down the aisle to 
their carriage, the ushers step forward in order, one 
after another, to meet the bridesmaids, and then each 
with a young lady on his arm follows in the steps of 
the bridal couple. Driving to the scene of the bridal 
festivity, each one in the company of a bridesmaid, 
they hasten to offer good wishes to the bride, and 
felicitations to the groom are made in some such form 
as, Let me congratulate you on your happiness and good 
for tune y Mr. Blank, or. Congratulations, my dear fellow, on 
the best dafs work of your life. 

The Ushers at a Wedding Reception 

AS soon as guests begin to appear the ushers turn 
their attention to seeking out those who may 
be strangers to the bride or groom, and taking them 
up for introductions. With this in view they gather 
near the drawing-room door and are privileged to 
address strangers as well as friends. To a woman 
guest an usher may say. Can I assist in finding a way 
for you to the bride f or Have you met Mrs. Blank ? 
May I introduce you f Please give me your name f He 
is at liberty, furthermore, to offer her his arm, and can 
quickly overcome any formality by such kindly, con- 
ventional little sentences as, / really think you will find 
my arm of assistance ; this is a formidable crowd; or, fVere 
not you at the church ? I think I had the pleasure of find-- 
ing a seat for you. 

The briefest possible introduction is best when pre- 
senting strangers to a bride at a crowded reception. 
It will be sufficient to say, Mrs. Blank, let me present 

Seven] Wtt(tiiU^ 221 

Miss or Mrs. Blank, Mrs. is most anxious to 

meet you. 

A conscientious usher, at the conclusion of every 
introduction hurries back to his post of duty at the 
door, after saying to the person he has presented to the 
bride, Pray excuse me, or / see I am still needed at the 
door ; will you excuse me ? 

When the majority of the guests have arrived, 
every usher is at liberty to seek out his special women 
friends and accompany them in turn to the dining- 
room and help to serve them there. He is not obliged 
to pay any special attention to the bridesmaid he ac- 
companied from the church; but if a breakfast is 
served he goes into the dining-room with her and finds 
a place for her and himself at the bridal table. 

Good by, God bless you ! Good by, a pleasant voyage 
to yoUy or Good luck go with you ! are the civil forms 
of farewell to a bride and groom from an usher. 
When their carriage has disappeared, the ushers take 
formal leave of the bride's parents before quitting the 
house. To call upon the bride's mother within the 
month following the wedding is a courteous attention, 
and one which every usher should endeavor to pay. 

The Duties of the Bridesmaids 

THE bridesmaid and maid of honor must yield 
unquestioningly to the taste of the bride con- 
cerning the color, mode of making, and all the appoint- 
ments of their wedding dresses. If the bride wishes a 
special modiste to be employed for these costumes, 
they must make every effort to accept her dictation, 
just as they are privileged to receive from a rich and 
generous bride, if that is her desire, their toilets com- 

^^^ Rncycloptedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

plete, including all the elegant little etceteras, as a fine 
gift. A bridesmaid sends an appropriate present to 
the friend she is to serve. She must take pains to at- 
tend the rehearsal for the ceremony, if one is ap- 
pointed. She will be asked to view the bridal gifts. 
A bouquet from the groom and a pretty trinket From 
the bride are souvenirs of the occasion that fall to the 
lot of every bridesmaid; and on the day of the wed- 
ding she may also expect to have a carriage placed at 
her disposal by the bride's parents. In this she drives 
first to the bride's home, and there waits — in her car- 
riage — along with the other bridesmaids until the 
bride, accompanied by her father, enters her own car- 
riage. Then, preceding the bride, the maids are 
driven to the church and assemble in the vestibule. 
There the procession forms and they, walking two and 
two, proceed up the aisle, maintaining a measured and 
dignified pace and carrying their bouquets before them. 
They advance to the altar and take the positions already 
described. The maid of honor walks alone, directly 
before the bride, and at the altar stands on the left and 
a few steps in the rear of her friend. 

When a maid of honor serves, to her falls the task 
of holding the bride's bouquet and glove when the ring 
is to be placed on her finger, and these she restores at 
the close of the service. When the service is finished 
she advances a little to meet the best man who oflFers 
her his arm. In it she places her left hand, and the 
two move down the chancel steps and follow the 
bride and groom out of the church. After them, the 
bridesmaids and ushers meet, the young ladies 
leaning on the arms of the gentlemen, and so follow, 
all taking carriages at the door, in the order and man- 

Seven] WttftiiU^ ^^3 

ner already described, and driving away to the scene of 
the reception or breakfast. 

On entering the room where the bride and groom 
stand to greet tneir friends, every maid bestows on the 
bride an affectionate kiss, with some proper words of 
congratulation. Then some simple, cordial words of 
felicitation are spoken to the groom. 

A pretty wedding custom, and one nearly always 
followed, is that of grouping the bridesmaids in a semi- 
circle just beyond that point where the newly wedded 
couple stand to receive good wishes and congratula- 
tions. Every bridesmaid holds her bouquet in her 
gloved hands, and aids in forming a sort of glittering 
train to the important stars of the occasion, while she 
smiles and bows to those whom she knows in the line 
of guests moving forward to do homage to the bride 
and groom. After a half hour this grouping breaks 
up and the maid of honor and her sister maids are at 
liberty to move about seeking their friends, or to pass 
into the dining-room for refreshments. At a ceremon- 
ious breakfast, luncheon or supper, the bridesmaids are 
expected to enter the dining-room, each attended 
by one of the ushers, and take their appointed seats at 
one of the tables especially devoted to the bridal party. 

Unless requested to do so by the bride, her maids 
do not follow to her room when her wedding gown is 
to be exchanged for a traveling suit, but await her re- 
appearance in the hallway. There, with a kiss and a 
word of good wishes for a happy journey, they bid her 
good by. To call upon the bride's mother a week or 
ten days after the wedding, and upon the bride as soon 
as she is settled in her husband's home, are social obli- 
gations not to be overlooked. 

224 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

When a young lady serves as bridesmaid or maid 
of honor at a home wedding, she drives in full toilet to 
the bride's residence. On her arrival she goes at once 
to a dressing-room, lays aside her wraps, and when all 
is in readiness precedes or follows the bride and her 
father down the stairs, and thereafter performs her 
duties in the same way as at a church ceremony. 

Second Marriages 

WHETHER solemnized at her home or in 
church, a woman's second marriage is conducted 
on a much less elaborate scale than her first, though in 
many details it may be carried out on very nearly the 
same lines. At her second marriage a bride does not 
have bridesmaids, does not wear a white veil, a white 
gown or orange blossoms, and does not have flower 
girls or pages. But if it is a church wedding, ushers 
are appointed ; the bride is given away by her father, 
her brother or a masculine friend ; and a maid of honor 
may precede her to the altar. 

If the second marriage takes places shortly after 
mourning for the first husband is put off, an instinct 
of good taste counsels a quiet morning or afternoon 
ceremony, in the presence of only intimate friends and 
near relatives, followed by a reception. If after a 
number of years of widowhood a woman remarries 
under conspicuously happy auspices, with the cordial 
approval of her children and friends, she can indulge 
her preference for an ornate ceremony by filling the 
church with her friends, wearing a brilliant gown, and 
celebrating her happiness by a reception or breakfast 
to follow. At a second marriage, as at a first, the 
bride or her family bears all the expenses of her wed- 

Seven] WttttiiXi^ 225 

ding ; and for gifts received a bride, at a second mar- 
riage as at a first, returns thanks promptly by means 
of notes. 

In event of a breakfast, supper or reception given 
in her own home or that of her parents, the bride fol- 
lows exactly the same course as when first a bride. 
Should both the ceremony and the reception take place 
in a private house, the course followed is just the same 
as that already outlined in the chapter on home wed- 
dings. Unless her second marriage excites the deep 
disapproval of her first husband's family, the bride 
should send them invitations to the wedding and give 
them seats above the white ribbon. 

It is usual to put off both the first wedding ring 
and the first engagement rings, when a second betrothal 
takes place. A man on making a second marriage 
follows precisely the same etiquette as that which he 
observed at his first wedding. He does not, it is true, 
give a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends ; but in all 
other respects, the etiquette is the same in detail as that 
given in the paragraphs devoted to the duties of a 

Wedding Anniversaries 

THE order of wedding anniversaries runs as fol- 
lows : First vear — paper; fifth — ^wooden; tenth 
— tin; twelfth — leather; fifteenth— crystal; twentieth — 
china; twenty-fifth — silver; thirtieth — ivory; fortieth — 
woolen; forty-fifth — silk; fiftieth — golden; and seventy- 
fifth — diamond. It has now become distinctly the 
custom to overlook all the anniversaries * until the 
first quarter of a century of married life has been 

226 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

** Silver wedding" celebrations are frequent and may 
be charming social functions. There are divers ways 
of marking the twenty-fifth anniversary. To give a 
reception is most usual; to give a dinner party is next 
in favor; and to give a dance, following a dinner party 
or evening reception, is quite popular where there are 
unmarried daughters. But now and then the " silver 
wedding" is recognized in a more modest way — rela- 
tives and intimate friends only being invited to a small 
at home, or to a small family dinner party. 

At a reception, a husband should assist his wife in 
receiving; and if a dinner party is given, it quite agrees 
with the sentiment of the occasion for him to lead the 
way to the dining-room with his wife on his arm and 
for her to occupy a seat at his right hand, as she may 
have done at their wedding breakfast of long ago. 
Husbands there are who object to occupying so promi- 
nent a position, and prefer tnat the usual precedence at 
dinner parties should not be departed from. At an 
anniversary dinner there are few variations from the 
rules for ordinary dinner parties as given in chapter 
four. The decorations should be white and green with 
silver, and bouquets of white flowers should be placed 
at every cover for the ladies, with boutonnieres for the 
men. If a guest drinks to the health of the happy 
pair, they smile and bow their thanks; and the husband 
is at liberty, if he has the desire and gift, to make a little 
speech expressive of his happiness and sweetened with 
grateful and graceful sentiments concerning his wife. 

If a dance is given, the husband and wife dance the 
first lancers together, the other couples including as 
many of the original bridal attendants as it is possible 
to gather together. 

Seven] Wttft^tXt^ ^^7 

It is usual to cut an elaborate iced fruit cake at a 
silver wedding. The handsome loaf may appropriately 
bear the year of the first wedding and that of the 
anniversary, with the entwined monograms of the wife 
and husband. It is cut by the wife — at a reception, 
any time after a majority of the guests have arrived 
— at a dinner, when dessert is brought on. Cham- 
pagne is usually poured at a weddmg anniversary. 
When many invitations have been issued and a large 
number of gifts are received, the silver souvenirs, with 
the cards of the givers attached, are displayed in a 
room set apart for the purpose while the reception is 
in progress. 

The Golden Wedding 

IT is given to few persons to commemorate fifty 
years of married life; and because of its rarity a 
"Golden Wedding" is the fitting title that the festivity 
bears. This romantic and touching custom is of Ger- 
man origin, but it has taken root in American soil to 
become nationally accepted, and the couple who cele- 
brate their golden wedding usually make it the occa- 
sion of a great family reunion at an elaborate dinner, 
after which a reception is held. Not infrequently, 
however, the aged couple prefer an afternoon reception 
on purely conventional lines, receiving, with their 
children and grandchildren about them, in a drawing- 
room decked with yellow flowers. 

Sending Bridal Gifts 

WEDDING gifts are sent to a bride-elect within 
three weeks or a fortnight of the day set for 
her marriage. The friends of the bride and groom do 

228 Rncycloptedta of Etiquette [Chapter 

not wait to see if an invitation to the wedding is forthr 
coming before sending suitable bridal gifts. Merc 
pleasant visiting acquaintances of the families or the 
couple about to be united, do well sometimes to wait 
and see whether they are asked to a wedding before 
forwarding any presents. This is not an instance of 
cold calculation but a course prompted by genuine 
delicacy. A wedding gift from a person who has 
never been entertained by the bride, groom or their 
families is often regarded as a liberty and sometimes 
as a demand for a wedding card. As soon as an in- 
dividual thus in doubt receives a card, a pleasant assur- 
ance is given and the gift may then be dispatched. 

When wedding cards, extending an invitation 
to witness merely the church ceremony, arc received 
by one who acknowledges only the most formal ac- 
Quaintance with the bride or groom, or either of their 
families, there rests no obligation to send a gift. It 
would be perfectly proper to send one if the recipient 
of the cards wished to and many persons feel that the 
receipt of such cards calls for one. The obligation is 
indeed binding when the cards include an invitation to 
the reception or breakfast, as well as the church. 

Many sensible persons who receive cards to the 
church from a bride or groom with whom only a 
recent and slight acquaintance is claimed, follow the 
middle course of sending the bride on her wedding 
day a box, basket or bouquet of flowers, accompanied 
by a card bearing congratulations. 

A physician is not required to send a wedding gift 
on the marriage of a member of a family in which he 
has long been the chief medical adviser, unless cards 
to both church and house are sent him, or unless he 

Seven] l^ttltltUSfiS 2*9 

enjoys social as well as professional connections with 
the family. 

Persons in mourning send wedding presents, though 
they are not able to attend either the religious cere- 
mony or reception. Those who feel themselves under 
obligations to the family of a bride or groom or who 
have received substantial favors from either of the con- 
tracting parties, are privileged to send a wedding pres- 
ent even when very slightly acquainted with the bride 
or groom or their relatives. If the recipient of a wed- 
ding invitation is traveling abroad or is living a great 
distance from the scene of the wedding, a bridal pres- 
ent must be ordered and forwarded to the bride as 
conscientiously as if the giver purposed to be present 
at the ceremony. 

Those who wish to send gifts to a couple celebra- 
ting either their silver or golden wedding — ^and let it 
be borne in mind that such gifts are nearly always ex- 
pected — must forward their silver or golden contribu- 
tion some days in advance of the festivity. The parcel 
containing the gift should be addressed to the husband 
and wife and be accompanied by the donor's visiting 
card bearing a written message of congratulation. 
When gifts are marked they should, unless intended 
for the use of either the husband or the wife individu- 
ally, bear the initial of their surname. 

Only the intimate friends and relatives of a bride 
are>entitled to present their wedding gifts to her in 
person. The most conventional and usually the most 
convenient practice is to have the present forwarded 
direct to the home of the bride-elect from the shop at 
which it is purchased, together with the donor's visiting 
card, on which in pencil a kindly sentiment is in- 

230 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

scribed, such as fVitb sincere good wishes or fVith hearti- 
est good wishes from . 

When a gift is sent from a distance it should be 
sent by express and the cost of its delivery prepaid. 
When wedding presents are marked, it must be with 
the initials of the bride's maiden name. It is not essen- 
tial to have them marked, though it is more compli- 
mentary to do so. But it is most imperative that all 
the gifts not designed especially for the groom's indi- 
vidual use be sent to the bride at her own home. 
Few gifts indeed fall to the groom's share at all, since 
it is courteous and reasonable for even the friends of 
the groom, though they may not personally know his 
bride, to honor her with these tangible proofs of their 

food will and good wishes. None but members of the 
ride's and groom's immediate family or their most in- 
timate friends should bestow a gift in the form of 
money; and bachelor friends as a rule do not present 
the bride with jewels, nor with any article of wearing 
apparel. When a man and wife send a wedding pres- 
ent, both their names are inscribed on one card en- 
closed with the present. 

A wedding present sent after the marriage should 
be accompanied by an explanatory note, and should 
be forwarded to the bride at her husband's home. 

Wedding Guests 

WOMEN in deep mourning do not take con- 
spicuous seats at a church wedding, tactfully 
recognizing the inharmoniousness of their sombre 
weeds in the gayly gowned assembly. 

Arrival at a church or home wedding should be so 
timed that the guest will be comfortably settled in his 

Seven] ^^ttltltttjSpQS *3« 

seat at least five minutes before the ceremony. 
Those who know they are to sit above the white rib- 
bon may, to avoid any mistake on the part of the 
usher, quietly give him their names when he meets 
them in the aisles, and he will promptly lead the way 
to the proper pew. 

It is the height of ill manners for anyone to force 
or steal a place in one of the reserved pews, when he is 
not intended to be there, or to complam of the seat as- 
signed by the busy ushers, or to deliberately assume a 
better point of vantage to the annoyance and discomfort 
of others. At a church wedding, when the bridal party 
is expected, a lack of breeding as well as of rever- 
ence IS displayed by whispering, making signs across 
the aisles to friends, waylaying the ushers with in- 
quisitive questions and foolish requests, and, when the 
bride has arrived, by pushing forward and standing on 
stools in order to get a better view of the proceedings. 
After the ceremony, no well-bred person attempts to 
leave his seat until the last member of the bridal party 
has passed down the aisle ; and then departure is made 
as quietly as when a congregation disperses after a Sun- 
day service. When arriving very late at a church 
wedding it is only common consideration of others to 
enter by the side door and take the nearest available 
seat with the least possible disturbance. 

Persons invited to the reception or breakfast fol- 
lowing a church ceremony proceed directly to the 
home of the bride's parents at the conclusion of the 
church function. At the reception or breakfast, 
women lay aside their wraps. Men leave hats, coats, 
and canes in the dressing-room or hall, and drawing 
off the right-hand glove, enter the room where the re- 

232 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ception is in progress behind the ladies whom they are 
attending. Those guests who lack acquaintance with 
the bride or the groom or both can accept the invita- 
tion of an usher to make an introduction in due form. 
It is quite unnecessary for a woman to require an intro- 
duction to the usher who accosts her at the door with 
the offer of his services. He is one of the accredited 
masters of ceremonies ; therefore she is privileged to 
accept his assistance, give him her name, and with him 
join the line formed in the drawing-room, to be con- 
ducted in her turn to the bride and groom. At a large 
reception it is the guest's duty to fall into the line 
moving toward them and devote every energy and at- 
tention to greeting the bride and groom. 

The Offering of Congratulations 

BY the strict rule of etiquette, there is first an ex- 
pression of good wishes to the bride and then 
congratulations are extended to the groom. To reverse 
this order of felicitations would be a grievous social 
mistake, since the groom and not the bride is to be 

The simplest expression of good wishes is always 
preferable to attempts at high flown sentiments and 
lengthy flowery sentences or quotations. At a large 
reception, where many people are struggling to reach 
the bride and groom, brevity is more than almost any- 
where else the soul of wit, as well as of tact. One who 
possesses a gift for framing graceful or clever phrases 
need not consult the formulas given below for those 
less gifted but none the less mindful of their social 
obligations. A woman may say to a bride, Let me 
wish you every happiness in your married life. To thp 

Seven] WttftiiXi^ 233 

groom, / must congratulate you heartily on the supreme 
good fortune that is yours to-day. Or to both, I feel I 
cannot wish for you both any greater happiness than you 
have already found ; or, Tou both have all the happiness 
good for mortals, but let me squeeze one little word more 
of good wishes and congratulations into your cup of content. 
A man may say to the bride, Pray accept my sincerest 
good wishes ; and to the groom, / wish to offer you my 
heartiest congratulations. These are approved expres- 
sions of friendly feeling and are quite sufficient when 
there is not time, nor perhaps the courage, for anything 
farther. When a drawing-room is crowded with guests 
struggling to reach the bride and groom, it is a mistake 
to engage the busy couple in conversation. To the 
groom's parents it is not necessary to seek an intro- 
duction ; out to the mother of the bride, the true host- 
ess of the occasion, a word at least of greeting must be 
spoken. Rarely has she an opportunity to listen to 
anything further than the formal How do you do ac- 
companied, if the opportunity offers, by some kindly 
and complimentary speech. 

At a large reception it is not necessary, after having 
spoken to the bride, the groom and the bride's parents, 
to enter the dining-room or to linger any length of time, 
to wait for the bride's departure, to bid her farewell, or 
to take leave of her mother. Every guest may consult 
his own pleasure as to how long a time he will remain. 
If in haste, one may slip away quietly, immediately 
after offering congratulations; or one ma v, after speak- 
ing to the bride and groom, go into the dining-room 
and partake of some refreshments and then go away. 

When a formal breakfast or supper is served, the 
guests speak first to the host and hostess, then bride 

234 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

and groom, and then wait until all the bridal party 
have entered the dining-room. After this, men and 
women go in together and find seats at the tables as 
their preference or convenience dictates. 

When toasts are proposed, glasses are touched ; and 
if the newly married pair leave at once for their honey- 
moon, the guests crowd into the hallway to see the 
departure, and then take formal leave of the hostess, 
duly expressing to her their thanks for her hospitality. 
If wedding cake done up in small boxes has been 
placed in the hallway, every man or woman on going 
out takes one box — ^and only one, unless invited by 
the hostess to carry one to some friend or relative who 
was unable to attend the entertainment. 

The Wedding Dress for Men 

THE essential dress for the groom at a wedding 
celebrated in the afternoon or morning consists 
of a black or dark blue frock coat, high white double- 
breasted pique waistcoat or one that matches the coat 
in texture, gray trousers, white linen; a full-folded white 
silk or satin necktie or one having a white background 
relieved by figured decoration in color, and holding a 
pearl pin; gray suede gloves, patent leather shoes and 
a top hat. For a night wedding, complete evening 
dress is customary — namely, clawhammer coat, black 
trousers and low-cut white waistcoat, with small pearl 
studs in the immaculate shirt front, and a white lawn 
tie around a standing collar; and also white gloves and 
patent leather shoes. 

To an afternoon or noon weddmg the masculine 
guest wears a black frock coat, gray trousers, a waistcoat 
of white pique or brown linen, or one that matches his 

Seven] Wttititl^ ^35 

coat ; patent leather shoes, gray gloves, white linen, a 
four-in-hand. Ascot or butterfly bow tie of satin or silk 
in a cheerful color, and a silk hat. At an evening wed- 
ding, full evening dress is the only costume possible. 
For a morning wedding, the same dress as for an after- 
noon ceremony is frequently adopted ; but more suit- 
able is a full suit of silver-gray wool, the coat a rather 
long cutaway ; or what is known as the English walk- 
ing coat. A black cutaway coat with waistcoat to 
match and gray trousers is always a proper costume. 
Gray gloves, patent leather or dull dongola shoes, 
white linen and a broadly-folded silk or satin tie, are 
the proper additions to either of these two costumes. 
The best man dresses as nearly as possible like the 
groom. Ushers wear for morning and afternoon wed- 
dings, black frock coats, gray trousers ; white pique, 
brown vesting, or black waistcoats ; gray gloves and 
full-folded neckties in a dark tone of silk picked out in 
a brighter brocaded pattern. The boutonnieres sent 
by the bride are always worn; and also are the groom's 
gifts, whether they take the shape of sleeve links or 
scarf pins. Ushers usually agree among themselves to 
dress as nearly alike as possible, and occasionally 
ushers serve at morning weddings in black cutaway 
coats and waistcoats, worn with gray trousers, or in 
complete suits of gray, with cutaway coats. Ushers 
remain folly gloved while serving in the aisles and tak- 
ing part in the ceremony. For an evening wedding 
they wear full evening dress, the various items of 
which have just been set forth in describing the dress 
of a groom. Ushers do not carry their hats during 
the service, but leave them with some responsible per- 
son in the church vestibule. This person is ready at 

236 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the conclusion of the ceremony to hand every gentle- 
man his headgear as the procession passes out to the 
carriages. If there is no aisle procession and the 
ushers go out at the rear of the church they leave their 
hats in the vestry room. 

Wedding Dress for Women 

IT is not necessary to give directions regarding the 
dress of women guests at a wedding, beyond sug- 
gesting that the most elaborate afternoon reception 
costume is invariably worn to a church or house wed- 
ding held in the morning or the afternoon. Bonnets 
are not put off at a reception or a breakfast ; gloves 
are laid aside only while one is in the act of eating. 
Wraps, at a reception or breakfast, are left in the hall 
or the dressing-room. 

At an evening wedding feminine guests wear elabo- 
rate decollete toilets if they choose, or very elaborate 
high -throated, long-sleeved reception toilettes without 
hats or bonnets. It is not proper for those ladies who 
sit above the white ribbon at a church ceremony to 
appear in deep mourning. Even the mother of the 
bnde ot the mother of the groom should, for the occa- 
sion, put off her mourning dress for a costume of gray 
and lilac, or black decorated with purple, though the 
day after the wedding she may resume her mourning 

A maiden bride should dress in white and wear 
a veil. There is a reprehensible tendency to-day 
against the use of the veil, unless the bride is in her 
first youth and her wedding is celebrated with the 
pomp and circumstance of an exceedingly fashionable 
tunction. This is contrary to one of the oldest and 

Seven] WtVt^iXt^ 237 

most charming customs which our civilization and 
society has inherited, a custom not to be lightly put 
aside. Even at the simplest home weddmg, and 
when the bride perhaps has passed her first youth, 
the white gown, the orange blossoms and the filmy 
veil are essential outward signs of all the sweet dignity 
and precious sentiment that characterize this most im- 
portant event of her life. 

Whatever the material of the wedding dress may 
be its skirt should boast a train, and for a morning or 
afternoon wedding the waist should be high in the 
throat and long in the sleeves. For an evening wed- 
ding a waist cut open in the throat and without sleeves, 
is good taste, and it is optional whether the veil is worn 
on or off the face. Tradition, the voice of which in 
this instance should exercise great persuasive powers 
with a bride, speaks, and rightly, in favor of a tulle 
veil that envelopes the whole figure. There is a 
modern fashion which favors the use of a lace veil 
merely as a delicate drapery falling from the wearer's 
high-combed hair, out upon her shoulders, and then to 
her train. 

A few jewels only, and those preferably the gifts of 
the groom or the bride's nearest and dearest relatives, 
should be worn to the altar. There is a suggestion of 
vulgar ostentation in the sight of a bride who displays 
the barbaric riches and splendor of ropes of pearls and 
blazing diamonds on her throat and arms, in her hair, 
and upon her gown. 

The white glove for the left hand is usually re- 
moved when the ring is placed. In order to take it 
off expeditiously it is well to carefully stretch it and 
try it on frequently beforehand. When the groom is 

238 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

ready to place the gold circlet, the bride should rapidly 
bare her hand by simply pulling her glove off inside 
out. No attempt is ever made to replace it until after 
leaving the church or, in case of a home wedding, until 
the ceremony is over. 

Though the white gown and veil is, for a maiden 
bride, preferable to any other wedding dress, occasions 
occur when a walking suit is the most sensible and 
tastefbl costume. Bndes who are married before 
twelve o'clock, or who go directly from the altar to a 
train or boat, wear a becoming street dress of ladies' 
cloth, veiling or silk, in a pale shade of blue, brown, 
lilac, green or gray, relieved by touches of a lighter 
color, and probably lace or some decoration of diaphan- 
ous material near the throat. Gloves of suede or 
glace kid are worn to accord in tint with the color of 
the gown. A becoming toque or hat, garnished with 
plumes or flowers, and a bouquet of flowers or a prayer- 
book, are the chief adjuncts of this toilette. 

On the occasion of a second marriage a bride wears 
a traveling gown of the type just described, or, when 
her wedding is elaborately celebrated in church, a hand- 
some reception costume is suitable. This dress and 
her bouquet must not be purely white. A toilet of 
silver-gray or mauve cloth, silk, satin or velvet, set off 
by trimmings of lace, embroidery or fur, seems befitting. 
The skirt should be trained, the gloves white or of a 
very delicate tint, and a toque or bonnet of lace and 
flowers or jeweled net and tiny plumes, adds to the 
dignity of the wearer's appearance. 

Chapter EIGHT 

llumf)eon$ antf Jlrea&fa0t$ 

The Invitations 

FOR a formal and elaborate luncheon or 
breakfast the invitations are fittingly issued 
ten days in advance of the date of the en- 
tertainment, and are engraved on large 
square white cards, with the name of the 
person invited and the day and hour written in by 
the hostess' own hand. In form they are as follows : 

Mrs. Leopold Tbombill Jewett 

requests the pleasure of 

company at luncheon \or breakfast^ 


at 0* clock 

Five Meriden Square 

Under ordinary conditions it would be enough for 
the hostess, in this instance, to write beneath the en- 
graved name on her ordinary calling card 

Luncheon at o* clock 
January third 

240 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 


Breakfast at eleven o* clock 
January fifteenth 

There is also a third approved course — ^that of 
writing brief notes of invitation. Such notes of invi- 
tation or the personally inscribed visiting cards are sent 
from five to seven days in advance of the chosen date. 
The following are good forms of invitation by note : 

jr Mertden Square y 

February JOth^ /p — . 
Dear Mrs, Hunton : 

I should be very pleased if you would lunch with me on 
Tuesday nexty the seventh^ at half past one o*clocky to meet my 
friendy Miss Folsomy of Cleveland. 

Trusting there is no prior engagement to prevent your com'- 
ingy I amy 

Sincerely yourSy 

Caroline A* Bostwick. 


S Meriden Squarcy 

December lothy /j^— . 
My Dear Mrs, Eads : 

JVill you pardon the short notice and give us the pleasure of 
your company at breakfast at eleven o^ clock on Wednesday y the 
thirteenth f 

Very sincerely yourSy 

Caroline A, Bostwick. 

Eight] l,ttttc|)eottfi; atib 3Breakfafiitfi; ^41 

Answering Luncheon and Breakfast 


LUNCHEON and breakfast invitations require 
prompt answers, and to one expressed as in the 
first form shown, the written reply would be in the 
third person, thus : 

Mrs. Thomas G. Parker 

accepts with pleasure 

Mrs. Leopold 7*. Jewetfs 

kind invitation to luncheon 

on Saturday^ November the thirteenth^ 

at two 0^ clock 

4.5 Whitman St. 

Responses to invitations following the second or 
third modes would be made in the form of personal 
notes, briefly but cordially worded; as thus: 

8 Thirlow Streety 

February 2nd^ /p — . 
Dear Mrs. Jewett : 

It gives me great pleasure to accept your invitation to breaks 
fast on January the third^ at eleven 0* clock. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Frederick y. Warren. 


JO Front Street^ 
February 2nd^ 
Dear Mrs. Bostwick : 

I am extremely sorry that I am not able to accept the invitO' 

242 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

tion for your luncheon on Tuesday nexty hut as luck will have ttj 
I promised to take my two nieces to the matinee on that particular 
afternoon^ and as their stay in town is brief and their anticipation 
of this pleasure very great ^ I dare not disappoint them. 

fVith many regrets believe me^ 

Cordially yours j 

Harriet R, Hunton. 

A Formal Luncheon 

AN entertainment of this nature is regarded to-day 
as particularly a feminine function ; and large 
and formal ladies' luncheons, as elaborate in menu and 
table decoration as handsome dinners, are almost pe- 
culiar to fashionable life in America. 

Gentlemen are assuredly not unacceptable at these 
midday feasts ; but our society as yet boasts so few 
masculine members who are at liberty to desert their 
business during the most important hours of the day, 
or who command both wealth and leisure, that the 
ladies perforce lunch in one another's company ; and 
they have learned to enjoy and elaborate this mode of 
entertainment until it has grown to be one of the most 
important and popular of the rites of hospitality. 

For a ceremonious luncheon the hour is set at one, 
half-past one, or two o'clock, and the hostess lays her 
table and selects her menu with taste and luxurious 
liberality. Occasionally very sumptuous luncheons 
are spread on a number of small round tables placed 
in the dining-room, and possibly also in the library, 
if it opens into the dining-room. Every table seats four 
guests and is adorned with its own vase of flowers and 
Its own candles. The general practice, however, favors 
one spacious table spread with a white damask 

Eight] i^ttnci)eonsi atiti B3rea&fa£(tfii hs 

cloth, and preferably a white centre-piece of lace or 
drawn work, upon which is set a silver loving-cup or 
a glass bowl filled with flowers. The covers are laid 
as for a dinner, with the diflFerence that fewer wine- 
glasses appear. The plates are also shifted and the 
dishes presented as at a dinner (see chapter four, pages 
88 and 92). To the left of every plate is placed 
a second small decorated one, to receive the guest's 
bread and butter, and small silver knives are provided 
for use with these plates. 

For a winter luncheon, when the day is dark, can- 
delabra holding softly shaded wax or paraflfine tapers 
produce the requisite light. But a warning should 
here be given against over-loading a table with eccen- 
tric favors, flowers laid on the cloth, sash ribbon 
scarfs, etc. All such devices in decoration are discon- 
tinued in obedience to a very commendable change in 
popular taste. In addition to the flowers and the can- 
delabra, the most attractive luncheon table bears on its 
snowy surface a cut-glass or silver platter or two filled 
with bonbons, candied fruits and salted almonds ; two 
decanters of wine, and perhaps large salt and pepper 
receptacles. The hostess brings forth her finest china, 
silver and glass for the occasion ; and sometimes one 
color will prevail in the choice of flowers, candle shades 
and sweetmeats; but there should be no obvious 
straining after this effect. 

A butler in afternoon livery, assisted by a foot- 
man in house livery or by one or more maids in 
black gowns, white caps and white aprons, serves the 
luncheon in a very well-equipped and fashionable house. 
In less pretentious establishments one or two maid ser- 
vants could accomplish the serving very satisfactorily. 

244 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

The Menu 

AT a fashionable luncheon, given in winter, the 
menu, as a rule, includes oysters on the half shell, 
followed by hot bouillon served in cups and a fish course 
— ^usually lobster — temptingly prepared and eaten with 
delicate toasted biscuit or thin slices of buttered brown 
bread. A change of plates introduces timbales of 
chicken or pates ; then sweetbreads with green peas, 
or a filet of beef with asparagus. Maraschino punch, 
served in cups of the thinnest glass, is succeeded by 
game or squabs with a vegetable salad. A pudding 
or ices, fruit, bonbons, coffee and liqueurs fitly conclude 
the repast. To serve more than this — z, great number 
of meats, a meat salad, chocolate as well as coflPee — and 
pour three or four wines, is a lavishness that is neither 
expected nor appreciated by the more fastidious guest. 
In the matter of wines, sherry and claret are sufficient 
for even an elaborate luncheon. 

In summer in the country, a charming luncheon 
consists of clams on ice, followed by jellied bouillon, 
chops with a vegetable, mushrooms on toast, Roman 
punch, broiled chicken with lettuce salad, strawberries 
with ice cream, bonbons and coflPee. Sauterne and 
claret, or either one of these, would be appropriate 
with such a luncheon. 

Sometimes at a luncheon music or recitations fol- 
low the repast. 

Receiving the Guests 

PREPARED to meet her guests, a hostess awaits 
their arrival in her drawing-room. The servant 
that answers the bell directs the guests to a bed-room 

Eight] Wjxn^tom anti 3Sreakfo£(t{( ^45 

or the library, where they lay aside their wraps. If 
the luncheon is small and yet ceremonious, this would 
not be necessary ; for then the ladies would simply 
leave their wraps in the hall and pass at once into the 
drawing-room. As the guests enter, the hostess rises, 
extends her hand in cordial greeting and is at pains to 
make necessary introductions. The servant, pre- 
viously instructed as to the number of persons expected, 
waits until all have arrived, then warns the cook, and 
the first course having been placed on the table, steps 
to the door and announces that Luncheon is served. 
If a guest is unusually tardy, the hostess need not 
spoil the food for the others by waiting an undue 
length of time ; after the lapse of fifteen minutes she 
is privileged to ring the bell and direct the maid or 
butler to serve the meal at once. 

At a luncheon made up exclusively of ladies, the 
hostess leads the way to the dining-room and leaves 
her guests to identify their places by the cards placed 
at every cover ; or standing by her chair she can her- 
self indicate the order in which she wishes them to be 
seated. At her right she seats that lady to whom she 
wishes to show the greatest honor. The others she 
may place in the order which she believes will dis- 
cover the most congenial companionship. The food 
is served first to the lady on her right. Throughout 
the meal it is the hostess* duty to stimulate the conver- 
sation whenever it shows signs of flagging. Not until 
she is sure that the last course has been finished by 
every one should she rise and lead the way to the 
drawing-room. CoflFee is, as a rule, served at the 
table, and the liqueurs are brought into the drawing- 

246 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 
A Mixed Company at Luncheon 

WHEN an even number of men and women are 
invited, the men are expected to lay aside 
their hats, overcoats and canes in the hall ; and when 
the signal to enter the dining-room is given, the host, 
if he is present, leads the way with the feminine guest 
of honor. The hostess indicates in what order the 
other couples are to follow, and herself brings up 
the rear with the gentleman who is to sit on her right. 
After the fruit and bonbons have been passed, the 
hostess signals to the lady at her husband's right, and 
rising, leads the way for the ladies back to the drawing- 
room, where coffee and liqueurs would be brought them 
as at a dinner. The host would follow with the gentle- 
men as soon as the coffee and cigars were finished. 

This course is followed only at very stately lunch- 
eons, however. Usually, since a luncheon is supposed 
to be less formal than a dinner, the gentlemen would 
leave the table with the ladies, foregoing their cigars 
entirely ; or, in case of a summer luncheon, the whole 
party adjourn together to a wide veranda, where all 
take coffee together and the men enjoy their cigars. 

Rising to bid her guests farewell, the hostess does 
not accompany anyone farther than the drawing-room 
door, though if the host is present, he attends a lady 
to the hall door, orders the servant to have her carriage 
called, and sometimes sees her into it himself. 

Simple and Summer Luncheons 

FOR a small and rather informal luncheon an 
ample menu would consist of a relish, — such 
as raw tomatoes scooped out, filled with minced 

Eight] Cttttcjieong anti JSteafetotg ^i 

meat and peppers and topped off with mayonnaise — 
hot clam-broth with whipped cream, broiled chicken 
and peas, a macedoine of vegetables, a mould of wine 
jelly filled with fruits, bonbons and coffee. 

For the summertime and in the country, where a 
polished oak or fine old mahogany board is used, a 
charming effect is produced by laying a beautiful square 
or circular piece of fine napery lace in the centre of 
the board and doilies to match under every plate and 
water glass. Thus the hostess contrives to display her 
handsome mahogany and yet protect it ixova stains by 
heat or water. 

Artificial light is not recommended for a luncheon 
that is unceremonious or for luncheons given in 
the spring and summer. When a hostess commands 
the services of one capable waitress the service of her 
midday feast should proceed in the regular courses. It 
is perfectly proper for the head of the table to help one 
or more of the dishes as they are placed in due order 
before her. Assuming, for the sake of illustration, 
that the menu given above is adopted, the courses 
could be conveniently served in this way. The tomato 
relish should be placed at every cover before the guests 
enter the dining-room. This course disposed of, the 
maid then brings the individual cups of clam broth 
direct from the kitchen and, having set one before 
every guest, passes to them a bowl of whipped cream. 
When the broth cups are carried away, a pile of plates, 
and a platter on which chops and green peas are ar- 
ranged, is laid before the hostess, who serves her guests. 
In the same manner she helps them to the salad and 
sweet, and finally pours the tea or coffee, which is 
brought to her on a large tray. 

248 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

At a simple and unceremonious luncheon, the hos- 
tess may make a dainty display of her culinary accom- 
plishments by preparing one or two courses on a chafing- 
dish, but for a luncheon numbering more than eight 
fuests this is too slow and laborious a practice. The 
etter plan is for the head of the table to serve as few 
dishes as possible and give all her energy and interest 
to maintaming pleasant and vivacious conversation. 

The Breakfast Party 

A BREAKFAST may be a simple or a very 
ceremonious entertainment. For a formal 
breakfast twelve o'clock is the most approved hour, 
and it should never take place later than half-past twelve. 
Usually it includes men as well as women. The guests 
are seated, as for a luncheon, at one large table, or if 
they are a company of thirty or more, at a number of 
small tables. The use of artificial light should be 
avoided if possible; and in catering tor her friends, 
a hostess may either follow a menu suitable for a 
Juncheon, or may introduce a novelty by preparing, and 
announcing through her invitatiorts, a typical " South- 
ern," or " New England," or " Parisian " breakfast. 
In spite of the suggestion of novelty thus given, it is 
hardly advisable to confine a bill of fare too closely to 
the kind of breakfast named ; instead of a strict New 
England or Southern breakfast, for example, it is better 
to have a more conventional menu and then merely in- 
troduce typical dishes, such as hot corn pone, fricassee 
of chicken, buckwheat cakes; doughnuts or Boston 
baked beans, as a feature. 

The well-selected twelve o'clock breakfast begins 
with fruits : grape fruit, seeded, cut up, sugared, dashed 

Eight] Cttticjieong anti Breafefagtg ^49 

with Maraschino, and served in its own skin ; in spring 
and summer, strawberries, peaches, or whatever fruit is 
in perfect ripeness. When the fruit is especially pre- 
pared, every guest on entering the dining-room should 
find his or her portion in waiting, and along with it a 
finger-bowl half filled with clear water in which a 
blossom or two floats. After fruit, lobster, either in 
chops or in some delicate croquette, is an acceptable 
course. Sweetbreads in a large pastry shell, mushrooms, 
or an elaborate dish of eggs can suitably succeed the fish, 
followed by broiled chickens or cutlets served with 
either small French peas or potatoes. A green salad, 
with toasted biscuits and a creamy cheese — Brie, Neuf- 
chatel or Camembert ; a pastry with game, and finally 
a frozen punch, and coffee, tea, or chocolate complete 
the list. Following the invariable French custom of 
wine with the midday meal, claret is poured after the 
fruit course ; and hot or cold bread — that is to say, 
delicate, sweet, warm rolls, small, flaky, freshly baked 
biscuit, toast and brown bread — are necessary accom- 
paniments for every course. Radishes, olives and 
salted nuts are also passed at a breakfast 

Small and Early Breakfasts 

MENTION must be made of a much less informal 
entertainment than the above — the breakfast 
given at ten, half-past ten or eleven o'clock in the 
morning. Not more than ten guests are asked to this 
meal, the menu is light and simple ; and the hostess, 
with her finest cups, steaming copper or silver kettle 
and best silver service before her, pours tea, coflFee or 
chocolate for her friends. A white cloth and centre- 
piece, a glass vase filled with freshest flowers, a cut- 

250 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

glass tray or two holding radishes, olives and salted nuts, 
silver receptacles filled with salt and pepper, and the 
breakfast covers, constitute the furnishing of the table. 
The best choice for the opening course is melons, 
small fruits, peaches or grape fruit, to be succeeded 
by small, delicately broiled fish with potatoes. Eggs, 
with hot home-made bread, would suitably take the 
next place, to be followed by broiled chickens, quail 
or chops, according to the season, accompanied by a 
cress salad, lettuce with minced apple or tomatoes with 
the Italian dressing of salt and oil. Sweets are not 
desirable at an early breakfast, unless the French sug- 
gestion is followed by serving, as a last course, a con- 
serve with cheese and crisp thin biscuit, or curds and 
cream, or delicate pancakes rolled up with marmalade, 
and sugared over. 

Luncheon Guests 

THE guests at a luncheon or break&st should 
arrive as nearly as possible at the hour ap- 
pointed in the invitation. It is a great rudeness to 
treat such entertainments with marked informality, as 
to accept and then permit a trifle, such as a shower or 
a more interesting incident, to prevent attendance. 
On arrival at the door, the guest should pass in at 
once, saying to the servant, Mrs. Blank expects me. If 
the servant does not direct the way to a cloak-room, 
a woman guest leaves her wrap and parasol in the hall ; 
a man his hat, cane, overcoat and gloves. 

At the table a woman takes off her gloves and 
either unpins and removes, or merely pushes back her 
veil. After luncheon, in the drawing-room, the gloves 
are resumed at leisure, and the veil is replaced when 

wraps are resumed. A guest may linger from one-half 
to a full hour after luncheon or breakfast, and in taking 
formal leave of the hostess expresses uneflflisive 
pleasure in the entertainment provided. 

Dress for Luncheons and Breakfasts 

THE suitable dress for a large and ornate 
luncheon, for the woman guest as well as for 
the hostess, is simply the best afternoon costume she 
possesses. In winter this would consist of a high- 
necked and long-sleeved toilet of silk, velvet, or cloth, 
trimmed with lace, fur, embroidery, etc.; and for a 
guest, delicate shoes, a rather brilliant hat or bonnet 
and white or light-colored gloves. In summer, a gay 
and becoming toilet of taffeta, foulard or organdie, a 
graceful fiower-trimmed hat, light gloves, carriage 
shoes and a bright parasol, are proper. A man's dress 
for a sumptuous luncheon is, in winter, a black frock- 
coat and waistcoat to match the coat, and gray trousers; 
white linen, a broadly folded tie in rich colors, patent 
leather shoes, a high hat and rather heavy gray gloves. 
For a breakfast at twelve, the costume is the same as 
for a luncheon; for an earlier breakfast, a complete 
morning suit in brown or blue; the coat sack in shape. 
The linen is pure white, or a colored shirt can be worn, 
with a four-in-hand or bow tie, derby hat, walking 

frloves, and black lustreless leather shoes. To summer 
uncheons and breakfasts, a man may wear white duck 
or very light striped flannel trousers, colored linen, a 
white waistcoat and short double-breasted blue serge or 
flannel coat, or a complete suit of gray or striped sum- 
mer flannels. Brown or white Oxford ties and a straw 
sailor would be thoroughly in keeping with the occasion. 

Chapter NINE 

Cf^eatre anti £peva 

Entering and Leaving the Theatre 

IN attending any public entertainment, arriving a 
few moments before the performance begins is 
a virtue to be carefully cultivated. When 
unavoidably late, the considerate individual 
lingers at the rear of the auditorium until, under 
cover of applause or during an intermission, his seat 
can be gained without incommoding those already in 
their places. 

On arriving at a play-house, a woman, unless her 
wrap is a cape, should slip it off in the lobby, carry it 
down the aisle on her arm and lay it over the back of 
her chair. To stand before a seat after the play has 
begun and pull off and fold up a cloak, is a cruel in- 
justice to those about her. Hat and veil are to be 
removed after being settled in the seat, and are put 
under the chair or placed in the lap. All these belong- 
ings are to be resumed only after the curtain has fallen 
for the last time — they may be resumed as convenience 
dictates, either in the seat or in the lobby. 

A man in the company of ladies, in entering a 
theatre allows them to precede him in passing the 
ticket-taker's wicket; then he secures the requisite 
number of programmes, gives the usher his coupons. 

Clieatre anti <^era ^ss 

and again gives the ladies precedence, following them, 
hat in hand, down the aisle. Unless he checks his 
coat and hat in the lobby, he takes ofF both in the ves- 
tibule, or removes the latter before reaching his seat. 
He deposits his hat under the chair, and his coat he 
folds across his knees or places on the back of his 
seat. When the usher, having indicated the scats, 
returns the coupons, he slips them into his waistcoat 
pocket ; for in the event of any mistake arising they 
may be useful. 

Quiet and Considerate Behavior 

TALKING should not be indulged in during 
the progress of the play or opera. The inter- 
missions give adeauate opportunities for conversation, 
and the person who talks during the performance, if 
only in whispers, or who rattles a programme or beats 
time to the music, cannot fail to prove annoying to the 
people about him. And it is eminently proper, when 
seated near anyone who indulges in any of these 
unpleasing pastimes to the extent of interfering with 
one's pleasure, to turn and very quietly say : tVill yoUy 
as a great favor ^ not speak quite so loud? It is ill-bred 
continually to look behind one, frequently to scan the 
audience through glasses, to point to persons or objects 
of interest or to speak in pantomime to friends seated 
at a distance. A gentleman at a public entertainment 
never testifies his appreciation of sood music or acting 
by stamping his feet and whistling; a woman ex- 
presses pleasure in approval by hearty hand-clapping, 
nothing more. Where applause becomes an intoler- 
able hmdrance to the progress of a performance, it is 
easy to express disapproval by sharply hissing. 

254 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

The Theatre Bonnet 

A REALLY considerate woman takes off her hat or 
bonnet before the curtain rises or forbears to wear 
any head-dress at all. For either a man or a woman 
seated behind an individual whose head-gear obstructs 
the view of the stage, it is perfectly proper to lean for- 
ward and say gently, PardoHy madam^ but may I ask as a 
great favor that you will remove your hat? To fail to 
comply would be unmannerly in the extreme. No 
woman, however, will be apt to deny the request, and 
as soon as she nods her head in assent, or begins to 
pull out the long pins, the person who made the re- 
quest should briefly express his thanks. 

A Reprehensible Habit 

MOVING restlessly in and out of an auditorium be- 
tween the acts is a masculine indulgence of rest- 
lessness that is quite as annoying as stage-obscuring hats. 
The man who accompanies a woman to the theatre — 
his wife, mother, sister or friend — plainly announces that 
he bears no shadow of a title to the name of gentleman 
by frequently deserting her. If he leaves his seat 
^ more than once during a performance he should not 
come back to it again. If he is sitting between aisles 
and wishes water or a programme, an usher will serve 
him. A gentleman alone or with only men friends, and 
possessing an aisle seat, is at more liberty to come and 
go ; but if he occupies an inside seat with strangers on 
either side of him and decides to go out for any reason, 
he will apologize for the trouble caused, make his way 
out, and then witness the rest of the play standing at 
the back. 

Nine] dieatre anti ^era ^ss 

In a Theatre or Opera Box 

THE coupons for seats in a box are given to an 
usher at the door and the gentlemen of the 
party follow the ladies, who are preceded by the ushen 
Arrived at the box, both men and women remove 
their wraps in the small anteroom, and then the women 
enter the box first, taking the chairs at the front. 

Chaperons and matrons precede the younger 
women, or at least are given the first choice of seats, 
though the elder ladies as a rule resign to the debu- 
tantes the pleasure and privilege of occupying the chairs 
nearest the rail. The men find their seats behind the 
ladies. At the conclusion of the performance, the 
members of the party resume their wraps in the ante- 

Calling at the Theatre or Opera 

WOMEN as well as men are privileged to move 
about the play-house between the acts and greet 
and talk briefly with their friends, but only when the lib- 
erty of a box or aisle seat is enjoyed. Calling is very freely 
indulged in between the occupants of opera boxes, but 
men, as a rule, more frequently avail themselves of this 
privilege than women. Ir the box door is closed on arriv- 
ing berore it, the courteous proceeding is to knock. If 
there are portieres only, separating the box from the 
corridor, then the proper method is to enter quietly 
and greet that occupant with whom friendship is 

If a caller is known only to a lady who is a guest 
in the box, she must introduce him — if to no one else, 
in any event to the chaperon and host or hostess of the 

256 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

occasion. These introductions are not formal, nor do 
they necessitate subsequent recognition on either side. 
The caller bows in response to the presentation, and 
stands or sits behind the ladv to whom he talks. If 
the box is full and other callers are coming and going, 
it is hardly considerate to linger more than three or four 
minutes. Should there be no particular reason for a 
quick departure the caller may stay throughout the 
intermission, but must retreat when the curtain begins 
to rise, unless very warmly pressed by the host or 
hostess to remain. 

A gentleman invited to enjoy the hospitality of a 
lady's box at the opera or theatre does not leave his 
hostess more than once and then only during an inter- 
mission, for but a few moments. He never remains out 
of her box during an act or even a part of it, and if 
called out, he returns before the act begins ; and he 
must not leave her box at all, unless some other gen- 
tleman drops in to take his place for the moment he is 
away. When a lady enters a box where there are men, 
they all, even the owner of the box, rise until she finds 
a chair, or if she only comes in to chat a moment 
with the hostess, remain standing. 

A gentleman who occupies an orchestra chair is 
privileged, if he possesses an aisle seat, to move across 
the house and talk to a woman friend sitting also on or 
very near the aisle. He stands but a moment unless 
her escort offers him the use of his own seat until the 
curtain rises again. The lady called upon introduces 
her visitor to her chaperon and her escort. A man occu- 
pying orchestra stalls with a lady is not privileged to de- 
sert her in order to call upon his friends unless someone 
comes up to have a moment's conversation with her. 

Nine] Cfieatre anti ^pera ^57 

Dress at the Theatre and Opera 

FOR a gentleman, when accompanying ladies to the 
theatre, opera or a concert, whether seats in 
a box or the orchestra are to be occupied, the proper 
costume is that described as appropriate for a ball or a 
formal dinner party. When a gentleman attends the 
opera with a man friend, he may assume the privilege 
of substituting a short-skirted dinner-jacket for the 
swallow-tail evening coat, and with this a felt hat, a 
black silk or satin bow tie and a waistcoat that matches 
his coat is worn. The dinner jacket should never be 
seen at the theatre when the wearer makes one in a 
theatre party or accompanies a lady not nearly related to 
him. With a long-tailed evening coat, a stiff silk top 
hat or a black opera hat with collapsible crown are 
equally suitable, though the latter is more convenient. 
Men who observe all the best fashions in dress wear 
white kid gloves to the opera and throughout the 
evening ; these are not, however, obligatory, and at the 
theatre are not often seen. If dark gloves are worn to 
the play house they are put off and on with the hat 
and overcoat. 

The woman who attends an evening performance 
at the theatre wears a high-necked and long-sleeved 
gown of handsome texture and elaborate decoration — 
such a costume, in fact, whether of silk, velvet, net or 
lace, as would appear to advantage at an afternoon re- 
ception. Her hair should be carefully and becomingly 
dressed ; and her shoes should be delicate and her 
gloves white or of a very pale color. And even for 
one who is to occupy an orchestra chair at the opera, 
this same kind or costume is entirely suitable, but 

2s8 Kncyclopcadia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

many women in that case prefer to wear such a toilet 
as is requisite when a seat in a box is occupied. For 
an opera box a sown of becoming color, rich fabric, 
and cut low in the neck and short in the sleeves is 
considered appropriate ; white satin and diamonds are 
none too elaborate for a performance of " Faust " or 
" Lohengrin ** as witnessed from a box. 

Chaperonage at the Theatre and Opera 

IN strict society it is contrary to the social law for an 
unmarried woman to attend the theatre in com- 
pany with a man without a chaperon. A man must 
not, in fact, ask a woman to be his guest at a public 
entertainment without asking her to select her chaperon 
or without himself inviting others who can fulfil this 
office. This wise and important law is sometimes set 
aside in behalf of men and women who are excellent 
fi4ends of long standing, and who, while living in a 
most conservative and self-respecting social world, are 
not trammeled by the fixed rules that properly guide 
and govern young people in fashionable society. 

All theatre or opera parties must have a recognized 
chaperon, and a dignified married woman is the proper 


A party of young unmarried people should not 
occupy a box or orchestra seats, and afterwards sup at 
a restaurant, without the presence of a chaperon. 

The duties of a lady asked to chaperon a theatre 
party are to arrive promptly at the rendezvous ar- 
ranged, to be cheerful, amiable and, above all things, 
dignified. She may expect to be introduced to all the 
members of the party whom she does not know and 
to receive many attentions from the host ; and she 

Nine] Cl^eatre anti ^era ^59 

must not leave the young ladies under her care until 
she has seen them all safely delivered at their doors, or 
knows that they will be returned home under reliable 

Entertaining at Theatre or Opera 

WHEN a theatre or opera party is in contempla- 
tion, the host or hostess of the occasion 
should try to engage an equal number of men and 
women as guests, must decide whether the evening's 
entertainment shall begin with a dinner or end with a 
supper, and should issue the invitations from five to 
ten days ahead of the evening fixed upon. Engraved 
invitations are never employed for such hospitality. A 
bachelor may, if he chooses, issue verbal invitations, 
though brief notes answer the purpose very much 

To write designating the night and hour and the 
character of the performance and, if it is an opera, 
dropping a hint as to whether the seats will be in a box 
or in the orchestra, is a good rule to follow. The fol- 
lowing are approved forms : 

50 Dean Street^ 

December J thy ip — . 
Afy dear Miss Edwards: 

Can you not make one in a small party on Friday night for 
the Criterion^ where Tree is playing Hamlet ? My sister ^ Mrs. 
Fellow Sy is to be the chaperon. We are six in all^ provided we 
may claim the pleasure of your company ^ and if you are free to join 
us I will call for you with my sister at y:jo 0^ clock on the above 
mentioned evening. 

Believe me very sincerely yoursy 

Henry G, Barrows. 

26o Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 


4.6 Beech Street^ 

January gth^ /p — . 
My dear Miss yohnsm : 

It would give me great pleasure to have you dine with me on 
Tuesday evening and go afterwards to hear ^^Faust** at the Metro- 
politan^ for which performance I have been fortunate enough to 
secure a comfortable box. We will dine at 6:jo in order to reach 
our seats before the curtain rises. 

Hoping that you are free to join my party on that evenings I 

Cordially yours j 

Emma Trovers, 

The host or hostess of the party purchases the 
necessary seats beforehand, getting them well toward 
the front and as near together as possible, if in the 
orchestra. If a box is taken, it ought not to be over- 

A bachelor in giving a theatre party may wish also 
to entertain his guests at a dinner before the play. If 
so, he states the fact of the dinner in his invitations, 
giving not only the hour at which it will begin, but the 
name of the hotel or restaurant in which the table will 
be laid. If the party is very large and his guests are 
asked to the opera to occupy a box, ladies will come 
in full evening dress, and a private dining-room should 
be rented for the occasion. For the theatre this luxury 
is not necessary. 

A table must be secured at the restaurant by the 
host in advance. He should see the head waiter, give 
him orders for any floral decorations, tell him the num- 
ber of guests expected, and decide on the menu. At 
the time appointed, he must be on hand in the lobby 

Nine] Clieatre antj <^era 261 

of the restaurant to receive his guests and see that the 
ladies get such wraps as they want checked duly dis- 
posed of before going in to dinner. The men of the 
party naturally leave coats, hats, gloves, etc., in the 

The host waits until all his guests arrive, then leads 
the way to the dining-room with the chaperon, but does 
not offer her his arm, while the other women enter with 
their escorts in the same fashion. The guests have 
their seats at the table indicated to them by means of 
cards placed at the covers. If guests are tardy, they 
need not be waited for over five minutes ; and the host 
should so time his dinner that all the dishes may be 
discussed at leisure and his guests still be able to arrive 
at the theatre before the curtain rises. 

In all points, such a dinner is carried out on the 
plan of one given in a private house. The chaperon 
gives the signal for rising, and the gentlemen go out at 
once with the ladies. When the party arrives at the 
theatre, if the seats are in the orchestra, the host indi- 
cates in what order they shall be occupied, taking him- 
self the one nearest the aisle and usually placing the 
chaperon beside him. 

It is the best plan, when a man gives a large theatre 
party, to secure an omnibus specially for the evening 
and have it call first at the house of the chaperon, then 
at the house of the other guests, and so collect and 
bring the entire party to the restaurant, or, if no din- 
ner precedes the play, directly to the theatre. This 
arrangement the host must mention in his invitations, 
and the omnibus, being on hand at the conclusion of 
the performance, drives about the city, leaving guests 
at their respective doors. 

262 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

For a less elaborate and less expensive style of 
theatre party the host either awaits his guests in the 
theatre lobby with the tickets or sends them to the 
persons invited, who provide their own mode of con- 
veyance to and from the playhouse and find their way 
to the box or seats that have been engaged. As the 
guests appear singly, or in groups, the host or hostess 
of the occasion rises to offer greetings. 

Guests at a Theatre or Opera Party 

A PRO MPT answer should be given to an invi- 
tation and punctuality observed in complying 
with all the host's or hostess' directions as to time, 
place, etc. When the party breaks up, pleasure and 
thanks must be expressed to the giver of the enter- 
tainment for the hospitality enjoyed. 

On arriving at a restaurant, before or after the play, 
a woman should leave her wrap in the cloak-room, 
unless it is a very small, light one that she prefers to 
keep about her shoulders. She does not remove her 
bonnet and veil and gloves. At the table she unpins 
her veil, if she wears one, or merely pushes it off her 
face, re-adjusting it at the conclusion of the meal. 
Her gloves she begins to take off direct! y she is seated 
at the table, and draws them on again before rising. 

Chapter TEN 

l^tBtttng anti ^ou0e parties 


A WELL-WORDED note offering the 
hospit^ilities of one's roof for two days, 
or for two weeks, should, with special ex- 
ceptions, explicitly stipulate the exact 
dates on which it will . be most con- 
venient to welcome the coming and speed the part- 
ing guest 

Such vague and indefinite terms as fVill you 
stop with us over the Fourth of Jufyy or Can you 
not give us the pleasure of your company for a few 
days next week, serve but to puzzle the recipient of 
the note and convey a doubtful compliment. Not 
infrequently a hostess asks a friend to fix for himself 
the time and length of a visit, or names two or three 
dates on which she will be at liberty to receive him. 
But ordinarily it is not only no discourtesy, but a kind- 
ness and a compliment, for the hostess to designate the 
day and hour wnen she will be best prepared to receive 
her friend and she may also specify the boat or train 
on which the visitor shall come. 

It is a thoughtful precaution usually for a hostess 

264 Esficyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter 

to drop a hint in her invitation as to any special 
gaieties she has arranged for the diversion of her visitors, 
beside a word or two as to the others who make up 
her invited family. The following may serve as 
models for letters inviting visitors : 

Rocky Pointy 

yune 2ist^ ip — . 
Afy dear Mist Lam : 

We an planning to entertain a few congenial souls during 
the week of the Fourth^ and I hope you can arrange to come to us 
on the first and remain until the eighth, fessie Brown and her 
brother^ the Mynells and one or two others have promised^ so only 
your presence is needed to complete our party and our pleasure. If 
you can come^ I suggest your taking the //.,l^ train on the ist^ at 
the Baxter Street Station, That will bring you and your luggage 
straight through to Clifftmvn^ where I will meet you. We have 
our boat in commitsion^ and several dances on hand^ so that yacht~ 
ing frocks and evening gowns will be needed. 

Trusting that nothing will arise to prevent your comings I 
am as always^ 

Sincerely yours^ 

Mabel A, y anew ay, 


fune lothy ig — . 
Dear Mr, Torrence : 

We are entertaining Sir Felix and Lady Carr of Scotland 

for a few days^ and should be glad if you could stop over with us 

from Saturday to Monday next week, to meet these very agreeable 

people and afford us a glimpse of yourself Mr, Reynolds will 

meet you at the j P, M, train with the trap and drive you over 

to the Green Knoll Clubhouse^ where we will be having tea and 

Ten] ^tgtttng ant> j^ge yartteg 265 

celibrating the finals of our golf tournament. I need hardly say 
how pleased we shall be to see you. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Eva R, Reynolds* 



May 2pthj ip — . 
Dear Mrs. Green : 

Cannot you and Mr. Green spare us a few days of your 
agreeable company before sailing for Europe? fFe are quite 
settled in our new homCy the country is looking its very best^ and 
my husband can promise Mr. Green some admirable golfing. Do 
think this over and give us^ if you can^from Friday to Monday 
of next week. 

Cordially yours^ 

Theodora H. Campbell. 

Answering Invitations for House 


WHEN in a hostess' note of invitation dates, 
' trains, etc., are not specified, the person in- 
vited is at liberty, in event of acceptance, to undertake 
the responsibility of arranging these details, leaving 
the choice, however, subject to alteration at the hostess' 
suggestion. An answer to an invitation to stop in a 
country or town house should be given very promptly 
and decisively when a formal house party is in contem- 
plation, or when the person inviting is any but a rather 
mtimate friend. The following are proper forms of 
answer to the letters of invitation already set forth : 

266 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

12 yefferson Avenue^ 

June 23y /p — . 
My dear Mrs. Janeway : 

I am charmed to say I see nothing to prevent my acceptance 
of your quite irresistible invitation. I shall be so pleased to renew 
my acquaintance with the Browns and the Mynellsy and I accept 
your advice as to trains^ etc. 

With kindest regards^ I am sincerely yours^ 

Ethel G. Dana. 


6 Broad Street^ 

June I2th^ ip — . 
Dear Mrs. Reynolds : 

Tou may count on me for the day and train specified in your 
kind note of invitation. I am greatly delighted at the chance of 
meeting Sir Felix Carr^ who^ as you know^ is a famous bibliophile 
and with whom I have already enjoyed a correspondence concern^- 
ing his valuable collection. 

If^tth kind regards^ believe me^ 

Faithfully yours^ 

John R. Torrence. 

The Formal House Party 

A HOUSE party consists, strictly speaking, of 
from four to twenty guests gathered in a coun- 
try mansion for any term of from three days to a 
fortnight. The limits of the visit are very exactly 
defined in the invitations ; and the time is devoted to 
the enjoyment of a round of the most agreeable, well- 
planned and varied diversions that the entertainers can 
provide. When a house party is given, the mistress 
of a commodious country seat, according to the English 
fashion, engages by notes of invitation those congenial 
men and women, whom from time to timeduringtheholi- 

Ten] y tgtting attt> jlottge ^rtieg ^67 

days she wishes to gather under her roof. Models for 
these notes are given on page 264. In country houses 
where throughout the season one party of a dozen or 
more guests disperses to make room for another, the 
hostess keeps a book in which she carefully records 
every invitation as it is sent out and the dates specified 
therein, while opposite is entered a note of the reply 
received. This proves always an invaluable record 
and reminder, which, consulted daily, prevents miscal- 
culations in preparing for and receiving the guests. 

But all the regulations given here, let the reader 
remember, apply not alone to the mistress of a great 
country place, whose aim is to give large and brilliant 
house parties and who has every luxurious appliance 
for pleasure at her command. To the owner, as well, 
of the pretty country cottage, who asks a friend or two 
to stop over from Friday to Monday, are addressed 
the following recommendations, the first and foremost 
of which is to plan carefully ahead for the entertain- 
ment of the visitors. 

Entertaining Visitors 

A HOSTESS will, or should, know the resources 
at her command and also something of the 
tastes and habits of her guests, and accordmgly she 
should be able to provide proper amusements. If 
good horses or good roads are lacking, or the house is 
too small for a dance, or if the countryside is without 
golf links and sailing or boating are not possible, there 
are still expedients, and no woman is to be forgiven 
for filling her house with guests and allowing them to 
mope in neglect. 

In planning entertainment, it is safe to appoint 

268 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

no special occupation for the mornings. When the 
party is conducted on a large scale, breakfast will be 
apt to continue late into the morning. Many women 
even prefer to keep their rooms until just before lunch- 
eon, writing letters and so on, or to pass the time very 
quietly on a shady veranda, gossiping, reading novels 
or doing a bit of fancy-work, or to stroll about the 
grounds. When, however, as sometimes happens, the 
morning is given up to an expedition, the guests 
may be left pretty much to themselves through the 
afternoon, and the hostess can prepare herself for the 
feature that is to fill the evening. 

A dinner with a danc^ following, a card party, 
private theatricals, a fancy dress ball, a moonlight drive 
and picnic, or a casino ball — ^all these are possibilities 
for adequately filling the evenings, which, even in the 
case of a modest house party, must not be left entirely 
empty for yawnings and regrets and boredom to 
creep in. 

it rests with a hostess to confer yet fuller blessings 
of comfort and pleasure by always forbearing to force a 
guest to take part in any planned pleasuring or expe- 
dition ; and also when her opinions are radically op- 
posed to those of her visitor, graciously avoiding argu- 
ment or conflict ; and finally by tactfully interposmg 
when any of her company fall into violent discussions. 
Too many good-natured ladies feel a ridiculous dread 
of leaving visitors to their own devices for a time and 
are panic-stricken at the sight of a guest engaged, for 
instance, with a book, lest for the one so occupied 
the time is hanging heavy and she herself has been 
neglectful. But really the prime rule of good enter- 
tainment is to allow any visitor, who is stopping in 

Ten] ^feittng anti Hmtge yattteg 269 

your house, something of the same liberty in disposing 
of his time that he would have at home. Hence, 
while it is nothing short of brutal to invite half a 
dozen visitors to one's house and leave them to pick 
up diversion as best they may, it is not less reprenen- 
sible to over-entertain — to rout out nervously a sleep- 
ing matron at her napping hour, in order to torment 
her with the sight of a tennis tournament ; to wrest a 
perfectly satisfied man from his book and cigar with 
orders to join in a long drive, and to break in on an 
agreeable tete-a-tete, because of a suspicion that 
the talkers would relish a new note in their con- 

The Guest Chamber 

THOUGH it is the duty of every hostess to fill up 
the hours at her visitors' disposal so that the 
time will pass pleasantly with them, no less care should 
be devoted to their physical welfare. In the good times 
of yore no hospitable lady ever admitted that her house 
was full. There was always room for one more, but 
often such ^^room" as the squeamish and comfort- 
loving modern man or woman would certainly pre- 
fer not to accept. Hospitality to-day is looked at 
askance if it frequently consists in asking two fasti- 
dious persons to share one bed, or in crowding a guest 
in with a restless child, in order to make place for 

A striking and admirable feature of the new and 
splendid country house is its many guest rooms, for 
tne modern hostess would no more venture to ask two 
women just introduced to one another to occupy the 
same bed, than she would dare to provide them with but 

270 Encyclopdadia of Etiquette [Chapter 

one plate at her table. A perfectly appointed country 
home is built with small single rooms for its single 
guests; and where sisters, a mother and daughter, or a 
husband and wife are asked to share one chamber, two 
single beds are invariably provided. Ample closet- 
space is placed at the disposal of every guest, and 
either a bath is attached to each room or the occupants 
of not more than three sleeping apartments are required 
to share one bath-room. 

In a house of the least pretention to grandeur, pos- 
sessing perhaps but a couple of cuest chambers, one 
should be made a double, one a single sleeping-room, 
and there should be two beds in the former. The 
rooms nearest the bath and farthest from the nursery 
and offices are always preferable as guest chambers, 
since a visitor is hardly grateful for a rude awakening by 
the cries of early aroused children, the noise of servants 
stumbling down to work, or the clatter of coal falling 
into the range. 

However simply a guest chamber is furnished, let it 
always be a model of comfort, neatness and cheerful- 
ness. A fresh, brightly flowered paper, the floor 
covered with Japanese matting and a few rugs, white 
muslin curtains, chintz upholstered furniture and a 
sleep-inviting bed are the most important articles in the 
fitting of such an apartment. Since the preferences and 
habits of no two guests are alike, it is essential to pro- 
vide for the vagaries of every individual. One visitor 
will not find it difficult to sleep profoundly with the 
sun streaming in at every window; another will be dis- 
tinctly wretcned if the morning light cannot be ex- 
cluded. Therefore, the thoughtful hostess, if the out- 
side or inside shutters of her guest-room do not work 

Ten] 'gTlgttins anti j^uge j^rtteg »7i 

easily, will hang dark green or blue hoUand shades at 
every window, such as will easily roll up and be out of 
sight all day and then be drawn at night In the 
closet of the euest-chamber an extra blanket should 
always be folded; a table with a lamp, candle and 
matches should be placed at the bedside; the bells for 
summoning the servants should be in working order; 
and there should be many small conveniences sup- 
plied, such as pens, ink, stationery, telegraph blanks 
and a calendar on a small writing-desk or table near 
the window, and over the desk or table a card that 
gives the hours at which letters can be posted and re- 
ceived. The hostess who is thoughtful in all these 
details sees also that there is a neat little housewife, 
holding needles, scissors, thimble and thread, in the 
dressing-table drawer; places the dressing-table where 
it will receive the most direct light both from the 
windows and the gas-jet; and makes it a rule to look 
in person through the room when an occupant is ex- 
pected, to assure herself that it has been properlv 
aired, that the wash-stand is amply supplied with 
towels, fresh water and a new cake of soap, and that 
closets and drawers are empty and immaculately 

In the great English country-houses and in a few 
very splendid American homes, a trained and salaried 
housekeeper looks well to this perfect preparation for 
a guest's reception ; but as a rule the American serving- 
maid is not to be relied upon to take great pains to 
anticipate a visitor's every need, and a hostess who 
trusts wholly to her maids to supply all the nice little 
attentions is apt to subject the sojourners under her 
roof to many small annoyances. 

272 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Welcoming Visitors 

AS the hour of arrival is always specified in the 
notes of invitation and acceptance, the host or 
hostess should be in attendance at the dock or railway 
station to meet and greet the expected friend, and this 
is an almost unavoidable obligation when the looked-for 
guest is an unmarried woman making her first visit. 
Bachelors or married couples are not supposed to re- 
quire the guidance and help necessary for a timid young 
lady, and a competent, quick-witted man servant may 
be trusted to do the honors at the station for them. 

Whether or not the head of the house drives down to 
take pleasant possession of arriving guests,itis the boun- 
den duty of the host or hostess to provide proper trans- 
portation, not only for the visitor, but for his or her lug- 
gage from the station. And when the guest reaches tne 
door the hostess should be there herseltto offer a warm 
welcome. In a house where hospitality is a habit and a 
fine art the hostess accompanies a woman guest to her 
room, rings for a maid servant to bring a pitcher of 
hot water or to draw a bath, and to present a small tray 
on which a glass of wine and a dry biscuit or tea and 
toast are temptingly arranged. 

A skilful maid deftly opens the guest's bags and 
boxes, quickly lays out the contents on the dressing- 
table and in the drawers and closets, and carries off 
the travel-stained shoes and dress for a thorough 
brushing. Meanwhile the hostess, after a brief chat, 
leaves her friend to her bath and nap and the ultimate 
task of dressing for dinner. When the new arrival is 
a bachelor, the hostess is no less prompt in meeting 
him at the door with cordial greetings ; and if no man 

Ten] 'gTfetttng anti f^mt j^rtteg V3 

of the family is at hand to conduct the visitor to his 
room and there see that all attentions are paid him, a 
maid or man servant can fulfil this office. 

Duties of the Hostess' Servants 

IN exceedingly fashionable society a hostess may ex- 
pect that her guests will arrive accompanied by 
maids and valets, and for these attendants she is obliged 
to provide as comfortable accommodations as for her 
own servants, but personal attendants are not yet so 
essential to the comfort of the very rich in America as 
in England and on the European continent and for 
their presence and needs very few hostesses have to 
prepare. Nevertheless the mistress of a home, when 
she undertakes to entertain her friends, must bear in 
mind that she is in duty bound to take every care that 
her visitor is properly waited upon. 

The following instructions, it is hardly necessary to 
say, do not apply to the household where a few and 
very busy maids are employed, but especially to the 
private households where good servants and an abun- 
dance of them are in waiting and yet where because of 
the hostess' thoughtlessness the guests are often the 
victims of curious neglect. 

In most well-appointed American homes, if the 
maid servant is not sufficiently well drilled to be trusted 
with the unpacking of trunks, or is far too busy to give 
her time to this, the mistress should still order that she 
unlock, unstrap and open the visitors' boxes and lift 
out the heaviest trays. If the guest-room is small, as 
soon as the visitor has emptied trunks and bags, these 
should be carried out and put away. 

Every morning the capable maid taps at the guest's 

274 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

door, asks at what time and at what temperature the 
bath shall be drawn; sets the fire going if the weather 
is chill, opens the windows; and to the masculine 
visitor brings hot shaving-water and his cleaned and 
polished shoes. In the afternoon, when the guests 
retire to their rooms to dress for dinner, a maid should 
tap at the doors, ask if any assistance is needed and 
aid the ladies, if need be, in comfortably adjusting their 
gowns, bring extra lights or hot water when required, 
and as soon as the rooms are vacated, strip the beds of 
their sham covers and turn them down for the night, 
draw shades or close the shutters, lay forth night-robes 
and dressing-gowns at the foot of the bed, replenish the 
wash-stand with towels and water and carry out the 
walking-shoes and clothes that show the least signs of 
dust, to be cleaned and returned in perfect condition 
the next morning. As a final attention, a small tray 
bearing a jug of ice water and a tumbler is placed on 
the bedside table ; and the servant makes assurance 
doubly sure that the reading-lamp is filled, the bed- 
side candle trimmed and the match-box well filled. 
For the most pretentious house party or for the simplest 
Saturday to Monday entertainment of a few intimate 
friends, these attentions are essential, and any servant 
can be drilled to fulfil them even to the final detail. 

It is in event of illness or a great misfortune 
overtaking a guest that the hostess is obliged to 
double her attentions and give up much of her time 
and pleasure to cheering or nursing the unfortunate. 
She can well offer to write any necessary letters, send 
telegrams or call in a physician for the individual in 
grief or pain, and prove her solicitous generosity by 
promptly providing any medicines, special diet, or the 

Ten] ^jgiting anti f^mt ^artieg ^7s 

like, that may be required. It is, however, outside the 
bounds of that responsibility imposed by hospitality 
for a host or hostess to pay the debts a guest contracts 
for medicines, telegrams, special messengers, laundry 
or a physician's attendance. But if a visitor, after 
having incurred such expenses, should depart without 
offering to defray the cost of special comforts and as- 
sistance enjoyed or without asking to have the bills 
forwarded as soon as presented, the host or hostess has 
no course open but to pay the bills and take precau- 
tions against a repetition of the imposition. This 
course, however, would not be pursued where the bills 
amounted to a considerable sum. 

Speeding the Parting Guest 

IT is now entirely unnecessary to follow the old 
rule of hospitality under which it was regarded as 
most uncivil to relinquish a guest until he had been 
vigorously and repeatedly exhorted to prolong the 
visit. A genuine desire to enjoy the guest's company a 
little while longer is the only possible motive a host or 
hostess should have in urging a friend to bide a wee, 
and the request for a lengthened visit assuredly should 
not be deferred until the trunks are strapped and the 
carriage is at the door. 

To say then, / do wish we could persuade you to stop 
a little longer y or Must you really go ? Couldn't you con- 
trive to stay until next Wednesday ? is most likely to 
seem only an insincere and foolish compliment, espe- 
cially if no more definite appeals have gone before. In 
these days, as a rule, and in the case of a house party 
especially, a visitor is invited for a stated period, and 
there is no difficulty when the time has expired and 

276 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the guests prepare to go. If the company proves an 
agreeable one, true regret at parting from the guests 
may be fully expressed without at all urging a pro- 
longation of the visit, as thus : // has been delightful to 
have you with uSy Miss Blank. I trust you will let us 
repeat this experience at some future date^ or Tour visit 
has given us the greatest pleasure y Mrs. Jones. We shall 
miss yoUy and I hope you may be persuaded to come again, 
or Good-bye y Mr. Brown; I have enjoyed this little glimpse 
of you very much. 

It should be the endeavor of a hostess to save a 
visitor, a woman visitor especialjy, the discomfort of 
taking leave at an uncomfortably early hour in the 
mornmg. If only an early train or boat will serve, 
then the hostess must be up betimes to see that a 
pleasant breakfast is served, and at her own door take 
farewell of her friend, in case she does not bear her 
company to the dock or station. It is ordinarily not 
necessary to show this final courtesy, but many hos- 
tesses prefer to do so, in order to make sure that a 
woman visitor reaches her boat or train in good time, 
gets her luggage duly checked and finds a comfortable 
seat. A visitor and his or her luggage must be con- 
veyed to the dock or depot at the hostess' expense. 
When the visitor is elderly, whether woman or man, 
both the host and hostess, if possible, take a part in 
seeing that the guest is well started on the journey. 
When the departing friend is a young unmarried 
woman, who is to travel alone, the hostess will earn 
her thanks by procuring her ticket for her, checking 
her luggage, handing her aboard the train and seeing 
her comfortably located. Of a bachelor guest who 
elects to depart by an early morning train the hostess 

Ten] ^teiting anti J^use ^^ttieg -^n 

may take leave before she retires the night before, hav- 
ing ordered a comfortable breakfast served in good 
time in the morning, and leave her husband or son to 
see that the trap is at the door betimes and to give 
him a final farewell. In a house boasting good maid 
servants, the hostess should direct some one competent 
either to ofFer to assist in packing the guest's boxes or 
else to be on hand to strap and lock them after they 
are packed. 

Dress When Visiting 

A WARDROBE for a visit must be selected with 
special consideration of the duration and nature 
of the visit itself, and particularly with regard to the 
several entertainments it is likely to comprehend. For 
a stop-over in a quiet neighborhood from Friday until 
Monday few difficulties present themselves, but when 
the visit is to continue for at least ten days and the 
gathering is to have the proportions of a more or less 
elaborate house party, then the problem is not so 
easily mastered. 

In summer-time, for a week's stay at a gay coun- 
try house, a young woman will find herself in need of 
no less than three hats — one a prettily trimmed walk- 
ing and traveling hat; one a simple straw or stitched 
linen sailor, for golfing, boating, or picnicking ; and 
one of more delicate construction suitable for use with 
light afternoon frocks, for tea parties, etc. A golf 
dress, white pique skirts, pretty shirt waists and brown 
and white Oxford ties, will provide her with suitable 
fresh costumes for the morning. A pretty, light-toned 
foulard or voile and a high-necked muslin or two will 
accord with all afternoon amusements and be useful 

278 Rncyclop(Bdia of Etiquette [Chapter 


for church, driving, etc., while a becoming decollete 
gown, of possibly pale-tinted silk or of white organdie, 
will serve for the evening. 

A very complete little wardrobe for a week's wear- 
ing, of the kind just indicated, can be packed in a 
steamer trunk, a hand-bag and a band-box; and 
though an older woman would select a somewhat dif- 
ferent outfit than this one, she will not need more 
clothes for the same space of time. It is only when 
asked to a very splendid country house where balls 
and coaching parades, yachting parties and splendid 
dinners are probably arranged, that a woman feels it 
incumbent upon her to fill a big trunk with fine 

Into a steamer trunk, one bag and a hat-box, a 
man, even the most fastidious, can put all the changes 
of costume necessary for a stay of a fortnight at any 
place short of the most sumptuous Newport cottage. 
To the ordinary house party a man of any age under 
sixty carries no less than one morning suit of light 
gray flannel or dark blue serge, made with a sacque 
coat and worn with colored, linen; a complete evenmg 
dress, a golfing suit; several pairs of white duck or 
linen trousers to wear with his short dark serge or 
light flannel lounging coat; a white straw or soft felt 
hat; brown and white Oxford ties and an abundance of 
white and colored linen. 

Visiting with Maid or Valet 

IT is the rare American man or woman, even of the 
highest degree socially, who follows the English 
custom of visiting with a valet or maid. If one's hostess 
is a woman of great wealth and her house most com- 

Ten] igrtgttittg anti l^ttge jgartteg 279 

modious, a personal attendant may be added to one's 
luggage, so to speak; but otherwise it would be an 
unusual and presumptuous proceeding to add one 
occupant to the hostess' probably already well-filled 
servants' wing. A young unmarried woman never 
introduces her personal maid into a friend's house. 
Where a matron is accompanied by a maid, the maid 
should wait upon her mistress and keep her room in 
order — ^without, however, sweeping or dusting the 
room or making the bed. Such a maid must be in- 
structed to keep her own room tidy, make her own 
bed and give as little trouble as possible to the 
hostess' servants. A valet attends upon his master 
and follows the same course in general as that just in- 
dicated for a maid. 

The Ideal Guest 

TO be an agreeable guest for the brief hour or 
so of a formal entertainment is not a difficult 
achievement, but to prove oneself an amiable and 
accommodating visitor for the space of a week or 
a fortnight is the best test by which the possession of 
spirits, good breeding and innate kindlmess can be 

Arrived at his or her destination, and made wel- 
come, the ideal visitor, without doing violence to physi- 
cal strength or strong personal preferences, essays to 
fall in with the customs of the household as nearly 
as possible and to find pleasure and occupation in the 
diversions provided by the host and hostess. The 
good visitor is not one who, when two courses of ac- 
tion or means of diversion are proposed, answers in an 
invertebrate manner, fFhyy I really dotit mind which we 

28o Encyclopaedia of Rttquette [Chapter 

do. Whatever you think best^ Mrs. Blanks will suit me. 
A choice having been politely requested, there should 
be a prompt decision. Even the dullest little tea party 
or the most unsuccessful dance should be entered into 
with zest, for though a mental note may be made never 
to become a guest in this particular household again, 
it is most unkind and ill-bred to let a hint of such a 
conclusion appear in one's conduct or speech during 
the visit. 

It is a guest's clear duty to be courteous to other 
visitors under the same roof, to forbear from 
heated argument and to refrain from liberties of any 
sort. It is a liberty to give the servants any com- 
mand, to order and use the host's carriage without his 
express invitation ; to leave books from the host's 
library with backs stretched and leaves turned down, 
scattered here and there over the house ; to drag satin- 
tufted drawing-room chairs out into the veranda, and 
to ask for special dishes at meals. It is a liberty to 
stop at home from church when the hostess and her 
family and other guests attend — unless there is a wide 
and well-known difference of religious belief, and no • 
less is it inconsiderate to insist on attending church 
when the church is at a great distance and means of 
conveyance is not volunteered or easily provided. 

A truly considerate guest, whether man or woman, 
is careful before leavmg his or her room in the morn- 
ing, to hang up or fold away all garments, to throw the 
bed covers back on a chair drawn to the foot of the 
bed and to open wide the windows. Many men are 
cruelly careless in their treatment of a prettily-appointed 
chamber, twisting and tying window curtains into 
knots, dropping burning ashes on fine bed spreads. 

Ten] igrtgittng anti f^ttge yartteg ^si 

splashing water over expensive rugs and using hand- 
some towels as dust cloths. It is a part of good breed- 
ing always to have consideration and care for the be- 
longings of others and any man guest, even though 
he may be otherwise unsatisfactory, will be looked 
upon kindly by a hostess when she discovers that he 
has not treated the lodging she provided him as if it 
were a barracks room. 

A woman visitor may vf^M regard it as one of her 
daily duties to straighten all the articles upon her 
dressing-table, when her morning toilet is completed, 
set her wash-stand to rights, put soiled clothes in their 
proper bag or basket and, save that the bed is left 
open to air, give her chamber an air of the most 
exquisite tidiness. 

Do you breakfast early ? Will the maid call me in 
good time in the morning ? are very natural questions for a 
guest to ask when bidding the hostess good night after 
the first day of the visit has expired. Then it is that 
an explanation is forthcoming as to the domestic 
habits of the household ; and to these habits a good 
guest will conform with all cheerfulness. If it is the 
practice of the family to gather about a breakfast table 
promptly every morning, then it is a poor compliment 
for the visitor to disturb her entertainers by forcing 
them to wait until a slow toilet is completed. 

A host and hostess do not defray any expenses in- 
curred outside of their direct liability as entertainers. 
If by illness or accident a little bill is contracted with 
the laundress, the doctor, or workman or tradesman in 
the nearby village, the guest should, previous to 
departure, see to paying it, or else ask that the account 
be forwarded as soon as presented. 

282 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Tipping the Servants 

IT is the fixed custom nowadays to tip the servants 
on departure from a private house where hospitality 
has been enjoyed, whether for three days or three 
weeks, unless the mistress of the household distinctly 
requests that no tips be given. So few women venture 
to deny their servants these customary perquisites, that 
usually the guest is left at full liberty to settle with his 
own purse and conscience as to how far the business of 
feeing shall be carried. To tip with unnecessary 
lavishness is an absurdity bordering on vulgarity, and 
yet the majority of men and women err in this direc- 
tion from the lack of any precedent by which to esti- 
mate nicely the amount befitting the guest's own 
dignity and the servant's expectation. 

By a single woman the course may be safely fol- 
lowed of tipping the maid who keeps her room in 
order one dollar, when the visit has lasted seven days 
and no special favors have been asked. If this maid 
has, in addition to her regular duties, brushed the 
visitor's gowns, prepared her bath and assisted in the 
(evening toilet, then one dollar and a half would be 
expected. In many well-appointed houses a feminine 
guest is specially waited upon, not by the regular 
chambermaid, butbythehostess' personal maid,for whom 
a tip of one dollar at least and one and a half at most 
is required. Aside from the maids, a single woman has 
few demands on her purse, except possibly by the 
coachman, and for him nfty cents or a dollar is sufficient. 

A bachelor is required to give not less than a dol- 
lar to the maid who keeps his room in order, not less 
than fifty cents to the boy who cleans and polishes his 

Ten] ^grteitins atiti l^use ^rtte« ^83 

shoes, and a dollar to the coachman if the coachman 
has eiven him special service. If a butler or valet has 
brushed, pressed and laid out clothes, drawn baths, 
etc., for the visitor, then a tip of at least one dollar and 
a half must be given ; and if the guest has had the 
use of a riding-horse and been driven every day about 
the country, the coachman will feel neglected if not 
remembered to the extent of one dollar and a half and 
his assistant in the stable to the extent of fifty cents. 

A married couple usually divide the tipping. The 
wife fees the maids, the husband the men servants. 
Their chamber maid should have a dollar and a half 
for merely tending their room or rooms and two dol- 
lars if she has served the lady in various and special 
ways. The butler would get two dollars in any case, 
and perhaps as much as five if he acted as valet to the 
gentleman. The coachman always expects the fee 
quoted for a bachelor, one dollar, when he has driven 
a married couple to and from the station. 

As a rule married men can remember the cook, and 
so would a bachelor that was on the shady side of 
forty and enjoyed the good food. To send her a dol- 
lar is the customary tribute to her capabilities. She is 
undoubtedly obliged to make an extra exertion when 
guests are at the table for three meals every day. If 
the laundress' talents and time have been called into 
requisition, even for rubbing out a couple of handker- 
chiefs, fifty cents is her recognized tip. 

When a man or woman is a frequent and informal 
guest in a house and his or her means are modest, a 
tip after every stay is not required; but it is essential to 
give the servants all round once or twice a season not 
less than a dollar. 

284 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

The above rules are not laid down for considera- 
tion by those persons — ^usually men — ^who make it a 
habit never to stop over night in a friend's home with- 
out giving five dollars to each servant, tipping the but- 
ler to the extent of ten or even fifteen dollars after a 
visit of six or seven days, and remembering the cook, 

gardener and housekeeper if they are included in the 
ost's minage. Such persons are a law unto them- 
selves and establish no precedent for the man or 
woman who has only an average income. While 
servants are duly appreciative of very big fees, they 
still receive with civil gratitude the smaller gratuity 
when they realize that the giver is neither a millionaire 
nor a snobbish spendthrift. 

Taking Leave 

TO duly express appreciation of hospitality en- 
joyed and regret at the necessity of departure, 
a guest, in bidding farewell, may say : Tou can scarcely 
realize^ Mrs. Blank, bow greatly I have enjoyed my visit. 
Or, / am deeply indebted to you, Mrs. Blank, for a de- 
lightful ten days. Or, T^his has been a most agreeable 
experience, Mrs. Blank. I can hardly believe it is all 
over and I must say good-bye. 

In taking leave of one's entertainers, it is polite to 
bid adieu to members of the family individually, ask- 
ing to have messages of farewell repeated to those 
who are not present. 

Within ten days after a visit, a short note to the 
hostess should be despatched, informing her of the 
guest's safe arrival home and expressing anew her pleas- 
ure at the entertainment enjoyed. Such a letter is 
quite unnecessary when the stay has been very brief — 

Ten] igrtgtttng anti jlottge j^ttieg ^ss 

that is, for less than forty-eight hours. The following 
are proper forms : 


June JOth^ l^ — . 
My dear Mrs. Baird: 

I reached home at six o* clock yesterday evenings ofi^ ^ quick 
and pleasant journey. I am full of reminiscences of my delightful 
week at the Manor and heartily regretful that it is all over. 

Please give the dear baby my best lovcy and relieve Mr. 
BaireTs mind about my luggage. It turned up with me at the 
home station^ and I am so grateful to him for his thoughtful kind- 
ness in looking it upy and also providing the books and papers for 
my journey. 

Believe me always sincerely yourSy 

Janet H. Grey. 

or this : 

22 Vincent Street^ 

August J, i^ — . 
My dear Mrs. Montgomery : 

The journey back to town would have been long and lonely 
had it not been for that incomparable basket of luncheon and the 
refreshing recollections of last week. I am venturing to send you 
by this post a new James novel ; one I am sure you have not al- 
ready read as it comes only to-day from the publisher. We agreed 
so entirely as to the charm of this author that I flatter myself with 
the thought of your enjoyment in it. 

Pray remember me most kindly to Mr. Montgomery ^ and to 
little Miss Kitty y with whom I aspire to claim a very hearty 
friendship ; and believe me^ 

Faithfully yourSy 

Stirling J. Houston. 

To send one's hostess a little gift is not inappro- 
priate when the souvenir can be gracefully presented, 
though anything more than a souvenir, anything costly 
and very elaborate, would be out of taste, as savoring 

286 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

too much of payment or fee duly rendered for favors 
received. A book, a bit of pretty embroidery, a pack of 
cards in a fretted silver case, the appliances for playing 
a game or puzzle, or a piece of music for which a wisn 
has been expressed, could any of them be offered and 
received without misunderstanding. However, this 
opportunity for gift-giving, though open, need not be 
regarded as an obligation, as is the bread and butter 
letter written after the visit ; and while a hostess may 
be charmed with some little remembrance from an 
agreeable and appreciative visitor, she would justly feel 
hurt and annoyed if after every house party the post 
and express brought her packets of gifts from tactless 

Chapter ELEVEN 


The Afternoon Tea 

THE afternoon tea, or ceremonious at 
home, has for some years enjoyed a pop- 
ularity that shows no signs of waning 
and has all but done away with the 
once almost universal evening recep- 
tion. Such teas are given throughout the winter 
season to introduce young ladies to society, to honor 
special guests, to give a young married couple an op- 
portunity to meet their friends and to enable a hostess 
in a single afternoon successfully to entertain the whole 
list of ner visiting acquaintances. They are the least 
expensive and the least exacting functions in the list 
of social diversions and, considering the many good 
purposes they serve, the most useful and satisfactory. 


THE invitations for an afternoon tea of consider- 
able proportions are issued a week, ten days, or 
two Weeks in advance of the time set for the entertain- 
ment. Formerly the husband's name never appeared 

288 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

on the cards, but to-day we not infrequently find the 
invitations offered in the name of the head of the house 
as well as that of his wife, the inscription on the large, 
white card of heavy Bristol board reading as follows : 

Mr. and Mrs. Parker Mollis James 

At Home 

Thursday afternoon^ January fourth 

from four until seven o* clock 

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue 

When a mother and daughters are to receive to- 
gether, the card is in this form : 

Mrs. Parker Mollis James 
I'he Misses James 

At Mome 

Thursday afternoon^ January fourth 

from four until seven o* clock 

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue 

The cards are sent by post, under cover of a single 
envelope ; and whether both Mr. and Mrs. James or 
Mrs. James and her daughters announce a reception, 
when a married couple are invited the cards are ad- 
dressed to the husband as well as the wife. If the re- 
ception were given for the purpose of introducing a 
young daughter, Mrs. James would then issue cards 
similar to the above, except that the debutante's name 
(Miss James) would appear below her own. 

When Mrs. James introduces a second daughter to 
society by means of an afternoon tea, her cards follow 

Eleven] B^CepttOtlfil 289 

the form of the one above, but have the full name of 
the second daughter, " Miss Charlotte Emery James," 
engraved immediately below that of her elder sister, or 
the elder sister's name is left off entirely and that of 
the younger daughter appears in full directly below 
the mother's. 

When the tea is given in honor of some special 
guest, the cards, or invitation, if especially prepared, 
take this form : 

To Meet 

Governor and Mrs. Edward Montgomery 

Mr, and Mrs. Parker Mollis James 

request the pleasure of your company 

on Saturday afternoon^ October fifth 

from four until seven o* clock 

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue 

Or a card according to the first form shown above 
would be used, and near the bottom of the card would 
appear the engraved line, "To Meet Governor and 
Mrs. Edward Montgomery." 

Answering Reception Invitations 

NO written declination or acceptance is necessary 
on receipt of any type of^ at home or after- 
noon tea card. The invited guest accepts by at- 
tending the function. If it is impossible to put in an 
appearance at the hour signified in the invitation, the 
proper course is to send by post or messenger a visit- 
ing card in an envelope so that it will reach the hostess. 

290 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

if possible, while the reception is in progress. A hus- 
band and wife, if unable to appear, would send one 
card each when the invitation has been extended in the 
name of the hostess only. If extended in the name of 
the hostess and a daughter, two cards each would be 
sent. And if extended in the name of the hostess and 
her husband, one of the wife's and two of her husband's 
cards would be sent. The great point is to send the 
cards so that they will arrive the afternoon of the recep- 
tion, no earlier and no later. When several members 
of a family are invited to a reception and but one of the 
group is able to attend, and that person is a woman, she 
can, by leaving the cards of the others along with her 
own on the tray in the hostess' hall, obviate the neces- 
sity of posting cards as directed above. 

Requirements for a Large Reception 

SPECIALLY engraved cards in any of the forego- 
ing forms indicate a very elaborate entertainment. 
In preparing for such an entertainment in the city the 
hostess is required to lay a strip of carpet from her 
front door to the edge of the sidewalk. If the weather 
is at all inclement, a canvas shelter must be stretched 
over this ; and at the entrance to the shelter a servant 
in footman's livery stands to open the doors of carriages. 
When the list of the invited is very long, it is essential 
to provide checks for carriages in order that they may 
be summoned by their numbers ; and toward dusk 
lanterns are hung here and there in the canvas shelter. 
Inside the door of the house, a second-man, in butler's 
evening livery, is in readiness to admit the guests be- 
fore they have given themselves the trouble to ring the 

Eleven] ^f^CepttOUSi *9i 

bell, and to direct them to the dressing-room. Just 
outside the drawing-room door, a second-man, in but- 
ler's livery, asks their names as they approach and an- 
nounces them to his mistress. In the dining-room 
several maid- or men-servants, on duty about the table 
and in the pantry, serve the refreshments. In the ladies' 
dressing-room a maid must be in waiting to relieve 
guests of their wraps and to fold and so classify the same 
that they can be promptly returned when called for. In 
the gentlemen's dressing-room a page or valet performs 
a similar service. 

The whole of the drawing-room floor of the house 
is thrown open and the centre of the drawing-room is 
cleared of tables and chairs, in order that a good space 
for the free movement of the company may be secured. 
Tubs of palms and ferns and bowls of flowers form 
the best and most approved decoration, and at a large 
reception music is now regarded as indispensable. A 
stringed orchestra is always preferred, and the musicians 
are located on the drawing-room floor, behind a screen 
of palms. 

In the hall a big platter is conspicuously placed to 
receive the cards of the guests. In the dining-room 
the large table is decorated with a centre-piece of flow- 
ers ; and candles shed their radiance from many sticks 
or branched candelabra on platters of meat and fish, 
salads, trays of varied cakes, compotiers of bonbons, 
baskets of sandwiches, castles of nougat and platters 
holding fanciful moulds of jellies and charlottes. On 
the buffet and side-table, napkins, forks, glasses and 
plates are ranked in reserve, and in the pantry moulds 
of ice cream, pots of hot bouillon and tea and choco- 
late are ready to be served, while bottles of champagne 

292 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

He cooling on the ice. In the library, hall, or one 
corner of the dining-room, stands a bowl of punch, 
iced to the proper temperature and surrounded with 

How the Hostess Receives 

A FEW moments before the hour set in her invi- 
tations, the hostess enters her drawing-room, in 
which, as in the whole of that floor of the house, the 
shades have been drawn and daylight has been ex- 
cluded in &vor of the glow from lamps, candles, or 
well-shaded gas or electric burners. To the right or 
left, just inside the drawing-room door, she takes her 
stand with her husband, the special guest of the occa- 
sion or her daughters beside her. At this moment 
the music begins, the dining-room doors are opened, 
and the servants take their posts. 

As guests enter, the hostess cordially offers them 
her right hand and a pleasant greeting, and then she 
introduces them to the person or persons receiving 
with her, if they are unknown. At the beginning of a 
large reception she is apt to have time and opportunity 
to talk a little with the several guests as they appear ; 
but when the tide of visitors appearing before her be- 
comes stronger, with some going as well as many com- 
ing, she will be obliged to confine herself to a hand- 
shake, a brief greeting accorded, swift introductions 
when introductions are necessary, and the fewest words 
of ferewell. From the beginning to the end of the 
afternoon her post is by the door and she should not 
desert it even for food or rest. This close attention 
to duty is not required of the guest receiving with her. 

Eleven] ^Receptions 293 

Duties of the Host 

WH EN a newly wedded couple hold a reception, 
or a house-warming is the occasion of a special 
at home, the husband stands during the greater part of 
the afternoon beside his wife, offering -every visitor his 
hand and a pleasant greeting. But as arrivals become 
fewer and ferther between, he may turn his attention 
to entertaining some of the guests, escorting ladies to 
the dining-room and making introductions where they 
seem to be needed and desired. Now and again gen- 
tlemen who are not newly made husbands enjoy the 
task of assisting their wives in receiving, but as a rule 
the daughters support their mother by the door and 
the husband only comes in after the reception is in ftill 
progress. He then renders very effectual aid by giv- 
mg the dowagers his attention and asking for introduc- 
tions to ladies that seem to be alone and lonely. If 
some married woman or a special woman guest, and 
not her daughter, assists the nostess in receiving, the 
husband should, toward the end of the afternoon, offer 
this lady his arm to lead her to the dining-room and 
see that she is satisfactorily served, standing beside her 
the while. 

Duties of the Hostess' Daughters 

WHEN a hostess has daughters who have passed 
the debutante period, it is their pleasure usual- 
ly at an afternoon tea to stand beside their mother and 
receive guests for perhaps the first hour ; but after that 
their best services will be to leave the hostess's side 
occasionally and move about the drawing-room, mak- 

294 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ing introductions and carefully observing whether 
guests have been to the dining-room and seem occu- 
pied and amused. 

In the Dining-Room 

NO particular order of service is observed in the 
dining-room. The maid- or men-servants ask 
guests if they will be served to salad, ices, or what not, 
and quickly comply with the requests of gentlemen 
who desire sandwiches, cake, etc., for ladies under their 
care. The best and most approved method is for some 
of the servants to be constantly passing trays of mod- 
erate size loaded with plates of^ salad, saucers of ices 
and cups of bouillon, while others offer napkins, plat- 
ters of sandwiches, etc. One servant, as a rule, is con- 
stantly on the alert to gather up all soiled plates. At 
the sideboard the wine is poured. 

A Debutante's Reception 

THIS is in all respects planned and conducted like 
any other afternoon tea. The debutante, with 
flowers in her hand, stands the whole of the afternoon 
beside her mother. It is a pretty custom to-day for a 
debutante to ask two or more young girl friends to re- 
ceive with her. She sends a carriage for them if they 
have none at their disposal, introduces them to all the 
guests as they arrive, and claims their company for 
dinner after the reception is over. A wealthy debu- 
tante gives handsome bouquets to her corps of assisting 
maidens. When she has herself been the recipient of 
a greater quantity of flowers than she can hold^ the 

Eleven] lEUCepttOttCi *95 

bouquets are displayed on the piano or a table behind 
her. She is careful to see that agreeable gentlemen are 

E resent to escort to the dining-room every member of 
er fair reception committee. But only toward the 
end of the afternoon does she herself accept a gentle- 
man's arm in order to seek refreshments. 

An Evening Reception 

THIS is no more nor less than a ceremonious tea 
celebrated in the evening between the hours of 
nine and eleven, instead of in the afternoon. The 
foregoing forms of invitation given for the afternoon 
tea, with simply a difference in the hours signified, are 
the suitable ones for it. As a rule, the time is indicated 
in the words, " from nine until eleven o'clock," or " af- 
ter nine o'clock." 

Less Formal and Elaborate Receptions 

COUNTLESS are the gay, graceful, and success- 
ful receptions given, tor which the hostess issues 
less costly and elaborate invitations than those for the 
grand at-homes just described. Such receptions are 
given simply because of a prompting of the generous 
social instinct or to introduce a pleasant visitor to one's 
own circle of friends, or to honor, in a mild way, a 
famous musician, author, or scientist. These simple, 
informal entertainments are a boon to the hostess 
who dwells in a small house or apartment and whose 
means are not large, or even to a wealthy woman whose 
time and energy are not equal to a more splendid affair. 
For such lesser functions the invitations are issued a 

296 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

week in advance, and are simply a line written on the 
hostess's visiting cards below her own engraved name, 
varied to suit the special occasion, as : 

To meet Miss Patmore^ of Washington; then, 
lower down in one corner, 4 to y o^clocky Wednesday j 
Jan. loth. Or when the tea is a small gathering of 
friends, given in no one's honor, but for the hostess's 
own pleasure, the date only would be given thus : Fri- 
day ^ February the thirds from four to seven o'clock. 

These cards are slipped into small envelopes and 
posted ; and the entertainment, when the time for it 
arrives, proceeds without any of the paraphernalia of 
awning and carpet for the sidewalk, checks for car- 
riages, the ministrations of many servants, special 
decorations in the rooms, dressing-room for men, 
orchestra, or elaborate menu. A maid, in her after- 
noon dress, opens the door and directs the ladies to a 
room where they can lay off their wraps. The guests 
enter the drawing-room unannounced, to find the 
hostess ready to meet and greet them. If the recep- 
tion is in someone's special honor, the guest of honor 
stands beside the hostess and by her is introduced to 
the other guests as they arrive. The daughters and 
husband of the hostess move about the room, convers- 
ing with the company, making introductions and guid- 
ing guests to the dining-room. 

In the dining-room the table is arranged as described 
for a large afternoon tea, but fewer dishes are served 
from the pantry. At one end of the brightly lighted 
board, a tea outfit is established ; at the other end is a 
punch-bowl or a hot chocolate service ; and special 
friends of the hostess, either married or unmarried 
women, seated one before the punch-bowl or the 

Eleven] IS^ttpttOm ^97 

chocolate, and one before the tea-tray, serve the bev- 
erages, while servant-maids are always near to bring 
fresh supplies of cups, glasses, ice, and hot water as 
needed. A few chairs are set near the table and guests 
may sit or stand while sipping their tea, chocolate, or 
punch and talking to the ladies who do the honors of 
the board. At receptions of this nature no ices, salads, 
pates, etc., are served, and the hostess does not have 
food brought into the drawing-room, nor does she in- 
vite young ladies, daintily aproned and supplied with 
small trays, to aid in handing about the refreshment. 

Dress for an Afternoon Reception 

THE hostess at an afternoon tea wears a high- 
necked, long-sleeved gown of silk, satin, velvet, 
lace or rich cloth, elaborately trimmed, trained and set 
off with jewels. The women guests follow suit, and 
though a tailor-made or handsome morning dress may 
be worn to a reception, the fashion is now in favor of 
elegant high-necked, long-sleeved gowns of rich colors, 
fancifully decorated and worn with becoming hats or 
bonnets, white or very light-toned gloves and dress 

For a debutante and her assistants white or very 
light-tinted gowns are requisite, high-necked and long- 
sleeved. While the hostess, her daughters, and those 
ladies who pour tea for her, appear with heads bare and 
hair elaborately dressed, the women guests do not lay 
aside their hats or veils, or remove their gloves. 
Wraps, however, are put off in the dressing-room. 

For an evening reception, the hostess wears a white, 
gray, black, or colored gown of silk, satin, lace, or vel- 

298 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

vet, short in the sleeves and decollete at the neck, 
with a long train. Handsome jewels and an elaborate 
coifRire add to her appearance. All women guests 
imitate the hostess's example, wearing what is best 
known as elegant dinner gowns, with jewels, light or 
white gloves, slippers, and their hair elaborately 

The host and all masculine guests at an afternoon 
reception in the fall or winter wear double- or single- 
breasted frock coats of black or very dark gray vicuna 
or soft cheviot, and double- or single-breasted waist- 
coats to match, or of fancy cloth. Trousers of gray, 
as a rule, look best ; and with white linen, a broad 
folding tie of a light-colored silk, a top hat, gray 
gloves and patent-leather shoes, the reception costume 
IS complete. In the dressing-room or hall men lay 
aside their hats, overcoats and, if they wish, their walk- 
ing sticks, and either take off but one glove, or take 
off both and carry them in one hand. Whatever 
course is followed, the right hand, bare of its glove, 
must be offered to the hostess. For men at an even- 
ing reception the only permissible dress is full evening 
costume — a swallow-tailed coat of soft-feced black 
vicuna and trousers to match, a white single- or 
double-breasted dress-waistcoat, white linen, white bow- 
tie, patent-leather pumps or oxford ties and white 

Etiquette for Guests 

RECEPTION cards state the hours between which 
the hostess is on duty in her drawing-room. 
Her friends may, therefore, suit their convenience as 
to when they will put in an appearance, provided they 

Eleven] 3BUCeptUm£{ 299 

do not arrive before the earliest hour named nor after 
the latest. It is hardly satisfactory to turn up at a 
reception just before the stroke of the opening hour, 
and it is not complimentary to drop in late, after 
nearly everyone has gone. Somewhere between half- 
past four and six o'clock is the most propitious 
time, and between these hours the company is apt 
to be largest and the pleasure of mingling in it 

On arrival, the guest, whether woman or man, if a 
grand reception is in progress, mounts at once to the 
respective dressing-room, puts off superfluous wraps, 
and descending to the hall, pauses a moment to drop the 
requisite number of cards in the tray, and then enters 
the drawing-room. When a mother and two daugh- 
ters have been invited to an at-home and one of the 
ladies alone attends, she puts not only her own cards 
(one for each of the ladies receiving) into the tray, 
but also an equal number each for her absent mother 
and sister. Men leave only their own cards. When 
a man and his wife or a brother and sister attend a large 
tea together, they meet on the stairs or in the hall and 
enter the drawing-room together, the man a little in 
the rear of his companion. 

At the door the butler asks the guest's name, and this 
being s;iven to him, the guest greets and shakes hands 
with the hostess as his name is announced. Young 
ladies enter the room behind their mothers; debu- 
tantes enter behind their chaperons, and if accompanied 
by anyone who is a stranger to the hostess, it is neces- 
sary for the guest to make a prompt introduction. 
Cordially greeted by the hostess and introduced by her 
to whoever she has receiving with her — her debutante 

300 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

daughter, a friend or special guest, or her husband — 
it is best to pass on into the centre of the drawing- 
room seeking friends and diversion. 

If there is no great pressure of arrivals and the 
hostess shows an inclination to exchange something 
more than the orthodox greeting, it is befitting to stand 
near her and only move off when others come up to 
claim her attentions. 

Having passed the hostess, it then remains for every 
guest to consult largely his or her individual preference 
as to how long a stop shall be made, and whether or no 
the dining-room shall be visited. At a very large and 
crowded reception, all social obligations can be dis- 
charged in twenty minutes, and after that time the 
guest is privileged to slip quietly out without attempt- 
mg to bid the hostess farewell. Indeed it Js hardly 
considerate at a great crush to remain longer than 
half an hour. The average drawing-room cannot 
accommodate the whole number of invited guests at 
once and the hostess calculates that a constant stream 
of departures will make space for the steady inflow of 
arrivals and thus save her rooms from becoming over- 

From the drawing-room it is permitted to pass with- 
out invitation to the dining-room ; and there ladies 
unaccompanied by gentlemen wait to have their wants 
attended to by the servants, whose special business 
and charge it is to see that they are not overlooked 
and do not have to wait long. As few chairs can be 
provided in a crowded dinmg-room, the guests eat 
where they stand. It is not expected that guests will 
indulge themselves in a liberal meal at an afternoon 
reception ; partaking of a salad or an ice, of a cup of 

Eleven] H^Wj^tUm^ 3°! 

tea and a cake, or of a glass of wine and a biscuit, is a 
sufficient response to the hospitality offered. 

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to the dining- 
room he asks her whether she will have tea, an ice, or 
bouillon or the like, and proceeds to procure it for her 
by passing up to the table and asking a servant to sup- 
ply his want. It is not in good taste to ask a lady, 
May I get you some refreshments ? But such forms as 
Will you have an ice? Have you been in the dining-room 
yet ? A cup of hot chocolate would be very agreeable after 
that cold wind outside. Let me get one for you — are 
usual and proper when a gentleman would politely 
offer to aid a lady in getting whatever refreshment she 
may desire. He serves her first, and then satisfies his 
own desire, but watches the while to relieve her of her 
napkin, plate, or cup ; and as soon as she has finished, 
if he conducted her to the dining-room, he returns with 
her to the drawing-room. 

Attending a Smaller Reception 

AT a smaller reception, if the company proves con- 
genial, it is only a compliment to the hostess to 
linger in her rooms from a half to three-quarters of an 
hour, since there is no danger of a crush. On passing 
into the dining-room the guest will find him or herself 
cordially accosted by one of the ladies presiding over 
the table, and will be offered tea, cakes, etc., and a 
share in the conversation. At the smaller and less 
formal reception, moreover, there is less danger of that 
embarrassing isolation which so often befalls one at a 
grand at home when he has gone alone and finds in all 
the large company scarcely one friend or acquaintance 

302 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

except the hostess, who is too busy by the door to sec 
that introductions are made and so relieve the strain of 
the situation. At the small reception, unless she is 
very occupied at the moment of one's departure, it is 
politest to bid the hostess adieu ; and cards are left as 
at a large affair. 

Attending an Evening Reception 

FOR an evening reception the etiquette is the same 
as that already given for an afternoon reception, 
whether large or small, the only difference is that as a 
rule cards are not carried and left on entering or depart- 
ing from the house. 

Chapter TWELVE 



OR a ceremonious drawing-room concert the 
hostess issues her engraved cards of invita- 
tion from ten days to two weeks in advance 
of the time chosen, in something like the 
following forms : 

Mrs. Allen B. Despard 

At Home 

Monday evenings February fourth 

at ten o* clock 

Thirty Lakeside Avenue 



Mr. and Mrs. Allen B. Despard 

request the pleasure of 


at a musicale 
On Thursday evenings January fifteenth 

at ten o* clock 
Thirty Lakeside Avenue 

304 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Afternoon musicales are far less formal than elabo- 
rate drawing-room concerts, which take place in the 
evening. When a hostess wishes to invite a number 
of friends to hear a famous soloist or orchestra, she 
posts her visiting-card, upon the left-hand corner of 
which is written, Monday y January fifteenth^ four to 
seven o\lock — MusiCy or Monday^ January fifteenth^ 
four to six o*clocky to hear Madame Nordica sing. 
Sometimes for an afternoon reception whereat music 
is the object of the gathering, engraved cards no larger 
than the joint cards used by husband and wife or 
mother and daughter are issued, bearing this inscrip- 

Mr. and Mrs. Johnstone 

Monday^ January fifteenth 
Tea at four ci^ clock 
Strauss*s Orchestra Seven Myrtle Place 

For private theatricals a hostess's invitations are 
best issued in the forms given for a large private con- 
cert, either announcing herself as at home and adding 
the phrase Theatricals at half-past nine^ or simply re- 
questing the pleasure of a friend's company at Pri- 
vate Theatricals. If dancing is to follow the play, 
the one word dancing is engraved in one corner of the 
cards. When invitations to a musicale are cast in the 
second form given on page 303, they usually bear the 
letters R. s. v. p. in the lower left or right hand corner, 
since the occasion is one of formality, for which 
special preparations must be made. 

Twelve] iHttfiicalesf 305 

Answering Invitations to Musicale or 

Private Theatricals 

IF an invitation requests the pleasure of the recipient's 
company it must be promptly accepted or declined 
in the formal terms of the third person. Should the 
hostess announce herself as at home, with music, the 
recipient of such an invitation accepts by attending ; 
and if prevented from attending sends his or her cards 
to the hostess's house while the musicale is in progress, 
as has been already carefully explained in the case of 

An Evening Musicale. 

IF the programme includes a variety of selections 
both vocal and instrumental, the back parlor, or 
large room at the rear opening with folding-doors into 
the drawing-room, should be divested of all furniture 
save the piano and such movables as can be placed 
against the wall. This serves as a stage and proper 
background for the musicians. The body of the draw- 
ing-room must then be fairly well filled with small, light 
chairs, that can be rented for the occasion ; and printed 
programmes are provided for distribution among the 
guests. ^ Her dining-room the hostess arranges as for 
a reception, if the musical entertainment is to be fol- 
lowed or divided by a handsome supper. As a rule, 
though, a very light refection, such as punch and cake, 
ices, sandwiches, and bouillon or chocolate, served after 
the music, is considered all sufficient. Essential features 
are dressing-rooms for the guests, men as well as 
women. The hostess herself stands in the drawing- 

3o6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

room to greet her friends. After the music has begun 
she still stands or sits near the door quietly to welcome 
tardy guests and see that they are seated. When the 
music is over and while supper is being served, she 
sees that most of the chairs temporarily placed in the 
drawing-room are taken out, and thenceforward moves 
about among her guests, making introductions and ex- 
changing a few words with as many persons as possible. 

An Afternoon Musicale 

IN every detail this entertainment may be a duplicate 
of the evening musicale just described, or the 
hostess can give an afternoon reception, accompanied 
by a special musical programme. When this last course 
is adopted, the reception is arranged and proceeds on 
the lines laid down in Chapter XI. At intervals dur- 
ing the afternoon, songs or orchestral numbers de- 
mand the interest and applause of the guests. 

Private Theatricals 

DRAWING-ROOM theatricals are, as a rule, most 
comfortably given at night, and the hostess ar- 
ranges her stage, auditorium, supper, and programmes 
as for an evenmg musicale. The duties of the hostess 
in receiving, entertaining, and parting from the guests 
are also the same as at an evening musicale. 

Guests at a Musicale or Theatricals 

WHEN the invitations indicate an elaborate musi- 
cal programme, beginning at a fixed hour, the 
guests must make every effort to arrive as promptly as 
possible. On entering, they remove their wraps in 

Twelve] i^UfiltCaUfil JO; 

the dressing-room, then greet the hostess, secure a pro- 
gramme and find their seats. Throughout the num- 
bers discreet silence should be maintained and applause 
generously accorded. Late arrivals must await a pro- 
pitious moment at which to enter the drawing-room 
and find their seats. At the conclusion of the evening, 
the hostess will expect to be sought out and thanked 
for the entertainment she has provided. 

At an afternoon musicale, when no fixed programme 
is followed, guests come and go as at a large afternoon 
reception. For private theatricals the etiquette is the 
same as is followed at a handsome evening concert. 

Dress at Musicales 

FOR an evening musicale men wear full evening 
dress, the host as well as the guests. Women 
wear decollete gowns, jewels, and light gloves. For an 
afternoon musicale the dress appropriate for afternoon 
receptions is proper both for men and women. 



0arl!m parties 


FOR a very formal garden party the invitations 
should be engraved in black script or block 
lettering, on white note sheets or large white 
cards. The most modish form of invitation 
shows the name of the person asked written 
in by hand on a line left for that purpose. As a rule 
the invitation is issued in the name of the hostess only, 

Mrs. Everett Tryon 

requests the pleasure of 

company on Monday afternoon 

yune fifteenth 

from four until seven o* clock 

Garden Party. Blythwood — Westchester 

Another correct form is : 

Mrs. Everett Tryon 
At Home 

Wednesday afternoon^ yune fifteenth 

from four until seven o* clock 

Garden Party. Blythwood — Westchester 

^attim ^attteis 309 

When such invitations are sent to persons resident 
in a near-by town or city, two lines of small script let- 
tering at the foot of the card give information regard- 
ing trains. 

Train leaves Grand Central Station at 0* clock 

Trains leave Blythwood Station at j,^o^ 6,20^ and 0^ clock 

When this information is not given in this way on 
the card itself, it may be communicated on a small 
separate card enclosed with the invitation to towns-folk. 

If the scope of the entertainment does not warrant 
the trouble and expense of providing special cards, 
either of two less formal courses may be pursued. On 
her own visiting-cards the hostess may write in ink, 
below her name. Garden Party^ June 15^ from 4 to y 
o^clock. These cards enclosed and sent by post or 
delivered by a messenger are entirely adequate. The 
second course is to write brief, friendly notes, in the 
first person, somewhat in this form : 

June ^th^ ig — . 
Dear Mrs. Mason : 

Will you not come for tea on the lawn with us on Wednes-- 
day^ the fifteenth^ at four 0* clock ? The strawberries and the 
roses are in their prime just now^ and I wish you to enjoy the very 
fine specimens of both that our garden produces, I have asked in 
a few friends informally^ and if you have anyone stopping with 
you I shall be delighted to see them. 

Sincerely yours^ 

Jeanne Tryon. 

310 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 


June loth^ ip — . 
Afy dear Mr. Brown : 

Can you not drive over on Wednesday for tea and straW'- 
berries on the lawn about /our o* clock ? We are to be very in- 
formal^ with perhaps a little tennis. 

Cordially yours^ 

"Jeanne Try on. 

Answering Garden-Party Invitations 

THOUGH few garden-party invitations bear the 
request for an answer, on receiving one no one 
should fail to respond immediately with either regrets 
or an acceptance. When an engraved card is received, 
the safe conjecture is that a very handsome fonction 
is to follow, and then the written reply should be 
worded somewhat as follows : 

Mr. and Mrs. Duncan R. Drew 

accept with pleasure 

Mrs, Tryon*s kind invitation 

for June fifteenth 

Westwood Hall 
June second^ /p — 

Miss Eleanor Drew 

regrets thai a previous engagement 

will prevent her acceptance 

of Mrs, Tryon^s polite invitation 

for June fifteenth 

Westwood Hall 
June second^ ip — 

Thirteen] ^attHm ^attiejBl 3" 

To a visiting-card inscribed with the day and date 
of the entertainment, a little note is the politest form 
of reply, and though many persons follow the rather 
generally accepted course of letting their presence 
answer on the day of the party as a reply in the affirm- 
ative, and a visiting-card, posted to arrive as nearly as 
possible on the hour named in the invitation, as regrets, 
every hostess appreciates a note, however brief, which 
gives her an assurance of her guest's intentions. A 
note must certainly be despatched in answer, and that 
right quickly, when the invitation itself is offered in 
the form of a note. It would be suitable to say in 
reply to a card or a note : 

July 2d^ 19— . 
Dear Mrs, Tryon : 

It will give us great pleasure to come to you on the fifteenth, 
I trust the day will be fine. I am told by the wiseacres that we 
are to have ideal weather as a reward after these heavy rains. 

With kind regards^ I am sincerely yours j 

Amelia Rogers. 


The Wayside^ 
June 2d^ ip — . 
Afy dear Mrs, Tryon : 

Tou may count on five of us for your strawberry tea on 
Wednesday next — Lilly^ Stephen^ and Andrew Campbell^ who is 
with us and shares with pleasure in your kind invitation. I hear 
your roses and berries are the best in the country-side this year. 
Tou are very good to share them with your friends. 

Most sincerely yours^ 
Florence Mason. 

312 Kncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 


The Pointy 

Dear Mrs. Tryon : 

I am called away to the West on business that will^ I fear^ 
prevent my appearance at your tea on the fifteenth. 

With sincere regrets^ faithfully yours ^ 

Donald Brown. 

The Fete Champdtre 

IN England the al fresco afternoon entertainment 
known as garden party, or f^te champStrej is one 
of the most popular and successful forms of amuse- 
ment, in the least pretentious as well as in the wealthi- 
est and most aristocratic circles of society. A garden 
party is nothing more nor less than an afternoon recep- 
tion, conducted in all the charming and picturesque 
environment of blossoming flower-beds, smooth-shaven 
lawns and full-leafed trees ; and in our own country, 
where brilliant sunshine and gorgeous floral displays 
are typical of the late spring and early summer days, 
it is a pity that the mistresses of handsome country 
houses do not more frequently amuse their friends at 
afternoon fetes. Even at seaside and inland resorts, 
when weather is propitious and nature herself is an 
ideal background for lovely gowns and simple festivity, 
the most experienced hostess will still invite a company 
comprising her entire acquaintance to a reception in 
her drawing-room, where the heat becomes intolerable 
and the discreet guest drops in for only a moment, to 
fly in disgust from the noise, the danger offered in the 
crush to an elegant fragile toilet and the herculean 
effort necessary to secure a sandwich or cup of tea. 
If the same hostess devoted her energies to a tea on 

Thirteen] ^Ettirtt Ij^XtUS 3'3 

her lawn, she would find her labor of preparation in 
no wise increased and her success almost doubled. 

When the day of a garden-party breaks with rather 
a dubious looking sky, it is the duty of the hostess to 
put not only her lawn but also her house in order, so 
that at a moment's notice, should rain begin to fall, 
the guests could be adequately sheltered and enter- 
tained under the protecting roof-tree. 

Ordinarily a garden party begins at three o'clock 
and concludes at seven. It becomes a difficult and 
rather clumsy affair if prolonged into the night with 
dancing, etc Occasionally, however, longer hours may 
be appointed, as in the case of a Fourth of July celebra- 
tion, when, after twilight has fallen, a grand display of 
fireworks is prepared as a fitting conclusion to the fes- 

Requirements for a Garden Party 

WHETHER the scene of a garden party is a 
cottage garden or the extensive grounds of a 
beautiful estate, the preparations required of a hostess 
are essentially the same. Faultlessly mowed lawns, 
freshly rolled gravel, and flower-beds from which all 
dead leaves and faded blossoms have been plucked, 
are necessary to give a pretty and agreeable setting to 
the entertainment. The lower floor of the house is 
set in order and decorated with fk)wers ; the doors and 
windows are left hospitably and cheerfully open, and 
chairs set forth on the verandas for the use of elderly 
or delicate persons who fear early dews. 

Music may be provided; but in what form, the 
giver of the entertainment must let her own taste and 

314 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the circumstances decide. An orchestra of mandolins, 
banjos, and guitars discourses admirable harmonies in 
the open air, and can be stationed on a veranda or se- 
creted amid the shrubs. 

It is not necessary to provide special diversions for 
the guests at a garden party. But if the grounds in- 
clude a good croquet lawn or a tennis court, this should 
be put in order, with the wickets in place and balls, 
racquets, and mallets laid forth conspicuously, for the 
use of those whose energy is sufficient for a game. 
Should the estate include a lake, then pleasure boats — 
dry, clean, and presided over by a competent man — 
would add infinitely to the enjoyment of the company. 

Though at a garden party, as at a house reception, 
the majority of guests prefer to be constantly moving 
about and to take their refreshments as they stand, 
chairs in abundance are certainly conducive to com- 
fort and sociability ; and if the hostess has few garden 
benches and wicker seats that she can or is willing to 
spare from her rooms, she should rent for the occasion 
a number of camp-stools and folding canvas-chairs and 
dispose them in groups under the shade of trees or lawn- 
tents and near the tennis-court or croquet ground. 
Rugs spread here and there under chairs will prove a 
blessing to those who may have a nervous fear of damp 
grass, while no possible injury can be done to the rugs. 

Serving Refreshments 

IF a garden-party is held in the season when fruits 
are at their best, an abundance of strawberries or 
raspberries, and cherries, gooseberries, currants, peaches, 
or plums, should be served, with ices, cakes, cold and 

Thirteen] ^Ettjetl ^EttieiS 3i5 

hot tea, sandwiches, salad, claret cup and iced lem- 

Under a big, brightly striped awning, from a long 
table heaped with flowers, dishes, and baskets of deli- 
cacies, these refreshments can be dispensed by maid- 
and men-servants ; and one corner or the tent can be 
curtained off for a butler's pantry. Most of the guests, 
as they feel the need for food, can pass under the awn- 
ing, ask for whatever they desire and be waited upon 
by the maids in charge, while to the indolent and to 
elderly ladies the servants or the gentlemen of the 
company can carry whatever is wanted. 

With less expense and trouble, the buffet may be 
spread on the veranda and presided over by a couple 
of maids. In an arbor or under some thick-foliaged 
tree there may stand a big bowl of cold punch or lem- 
onade throughout the afternoon, always ready for guests 
as they feel the need of a cool drink. To one room 
on the lower floor of the house the ladies, as they 
arrive, can be directed to put off unnecessary wraps, 
and the library is usually given up to the gentlemen 
for this purpose. It is important to arrange for the 
accommodation of the carriages of the guests who drive 
from a distance ; and a man-servant stationed before 
the door, to assist the guests in dismounting, can direct 
each coachman where to take his stand to wait until he 
is wanted. 

Receiving on the Lawn 

AT the earliest hour at which the promptest guest 
may be expected, the hostess warns the mu- 
sicians to begin their programme, and, dressed in a 
delicate afternoon toilet, places herself on the lawn to 

3i6 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

greet every arrival. She can, if she pleases, dispense 
with her hat, using her chiflFon-flounced parasol to shield 
her eyes. To each arriving guest she must give her 
hand and a word of greeting ; and unless others claim 
her attention at once, she can make introductions and 
enjoy something more than a welcoming word with 
every friend as he or she appears. A hostess may 
receive with her husband, a son, a daughter or a fnend 
beside her, or she may receive alone. She does well 
to maintain her conspicuous position throughout the 
afternoon, unless the party is very simple and her 
invitation list has been limited. While by keeping a 
sharp lookout she is herself always ready to go tor- 
ward the instant a new guest appears, she is privileged 
to move about actively among ner guests, conversmg 
and introducing and seeing that everyone is served 
and made as happy as possible. But if the persons 
invited number a hundred or more, she must rely on 
other members of her family to look after the comfort 
and entertainment of individual guests, for her time 
will be fully taken up in keeping pace with the current 
of arrivals and departures that must flow past her all 
the afternoon. 

Attending a Garden Party 

ARRIVED at the scene of the entertainment, 
guests alight before the house door and, enter- 
ing the house, divest themselves in the dressing-rooms, 
the men of their driving-coats and the women of their 
heavy veils. They then proceed at once to the lawn, 
there to greet the hostess and give up the remainder 
of the afternoon to following their own devices. Gen- 

Thirteen] ^Ettiett Ij^ttXtii Ji? 

tlemen accompany ladies to the marquee, or tent, where 
the food is served, or ladies go in couples or groups, 
and ask a servant in charge for whatever they wish. 

Both men and women guests time their arrival at a 
garden party in some measure according to their own 
convenience ; but it is hardly in good taste to treat a 
garden party in this particular with quite the freedom 
that is allowed in the case of a house tea. One is, 
however, privileged either to remain the entire after- 
noon, strolling about the grounds and gossiping with 
pleasant acquaintances, or to stop but twenty minutes. 

When guests are leaving, if the hostess is occupied, 
it is most discreet not to interrupt her conversation, 
but to give the servant at the door directions to call 
the carriage, and, when it is ready, depart without 
taking formal leave. On the other hand, if departure 
is delayed until the end of the afternoon, it is politest 
to bid the hostess farewell with a cordial compliment 
on the afternoon's entertainment. 

At a very large garden party the guests, as a rule, 
leave their cards on entering or departing from the 
house ; at a small al fresco affair this would be a need- 
less formality. 

Garden-Party Dress 

WHILE women always dress for a garden party 
in their lightest flower-festooned hats and deli- 
cate foulards or organdies, and carry their flufliest sun- 
shades and wear their whitest gloves, men are privileged 
to appear in either yachting flannels and straw hats or 
frock coats and high hats. In this country the preju- 
dice seems to be in favor of the less formal costume. 

3i8 Kncycloptedia of Etiquette 

At a garden party in June an eminently appropriate 
toilet For a man would be white duck trousers, white 
shoes, a white pique waistcoat, white or colored linen 
shirt, with a white standing or high turn-over collar, 
small colored bow, straw hat and a dark serge sacque 
coat. A complete suit of white flannel or serge, or a 
suit of light gray or fancy flannel, worn with colored 
linen, a colored four-in-hand or bow tie, white or brown 
or patent-leather Oxford ties and a white waistcoat, 
makes an equally appropriate combination. Gloves, 
as a rule, are conspicuous by their absence at any but 
garden parties given early in the season and attended by 
frock-coated gentlemen from town, or at the afternoon 
fetes given at Newport. 



Necessary Preparations 

AS soon as a death occurs in a private 
house, the fact is at once made known 
to the outer world by the closing of all 
blinds, or the drawing of the long linen 
>- shades, at the front of the house ; the 
bell is muffled ; and a servant is stationed in the front 
hall to open the door, give and receive messages, admit 
callers and cards and otherwise aid in preserving order 
and silence. This servant, if a maid, wears a black gown, 
white collar and cuffs and white apron and white cap 
with black ribbons. A man-servant wears plain black 

A very commendable custom, frequently followed 
to-day, is that of fastening to the door-bell, in place of 
the sombre crape or broad black ribbon, floating ends of 
white ribbon and a wreath or long sprays of white or 
lilac flowers. This is done when the deceased is a 
young or unmarried person of either sex. A sheaf of 
white roses or white carnations, with white ribbon, de- 
notes the death of a young girl or a child, while roses 
and violets with a white ribbon, or roses with a black 

320 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ribbon, signifies that an older unmarried man or woman 
has slipped out of life. For a married person, unless 
very young, the plain crape streamers would be used. 

Except in sparsely settled country districts, where it 
is of necessity still the rule to send from house to house 
by mounted messenger black-bordered written or en- 
graved funeral notices, the newspaper columns ade- 
quately serve as the medium through which to an- 
nounce the bereavement and obsequies to the world. 
Briefly as possible the notification should be worded, 
and, though sympathetic friends or relatives may express 
their sentiments in verse or prose, these efRisions must 
not be published with a public announcement. This 
rule would not, of course, apply to resolutions of sym- 
pathy and regard voted by business associates, em- 
ployees, or the members of an organization of which 
the deceased may have been a valued officer. Such 
public or semi-public expressions are often added to 
the notice of the funeral of a prominent citizen, and 
are entirely befitting the circumstances. 

The greater number of notices to-day inform the 
public that the interment will be private, and the sen- 
tence " Please omit flowers " is oftener than not sub- 
joined, for with a growing taste for privacy and sim- 
plicity we have learned to eliminate all the vain and 
foolish outward demonstrations of grief and the useless 
display of floral decoration that is, after all, but a relic 
of barbaric and ancient burial customs. To the pub- 
lished notice of a death is subjoined the information that 
the interment will be private, when it is desired to escape 
the presence of many witnesses at the trying ordeal in 
the cemetery and the necessity of marshalling a lengthy 
funeral train from the church to the grave side. 

Fourteen] ^^tlttalSl 3^1 

Who Takes Charge 

IF there is no male member of the bereaved family 
capable of fulfilling satisfactorily the many demands 
that arise in connection with a funeral, into the hands 
of one or more near relatives or intimate and trust- 
worthy friends the grief-stricken household should con- 
fide all the preparation for and conduct of the ceremony. 
The person appointed to this service should be studious 
to relieve those on whom the bereavement immediately 
falls as far as possible of any thought concerning the 
details of the nineral, and serve as a check upon the 
undertaker, who, when given full authority, is apt to 
lean toward lavish expenditure and unpleasing display. 
He should see that the proper announcement is made 
in the newspapers, make arrangements with the sexton, 
determine, or help to determine, the order of the funeral 
procession ; advise in the selection of pall-bearers, if 
such a guard of honor is to be appointed, and confer 
with the clergyman chosen to officiate, to definitely 
settle all points concerning the services, music, and 
decorations of the church. 

The Ladies of the Bereaved Family 

FROM the moment the front blinds are drawn until 
the funeral cortege leaves for the church or cem- 
etery, none of the feminine members of the afflicted 
household should be seen abroad. Any reasonable 
dressmaker can be persuaded to call at the house to 
take orders and give fittings for suitable mourning 
dress, while some woman relative or friend can be re- 


322 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

lied upon to do necessary shopping and fulfil all 
duties in connection with the outside world, such as 
writing requisite notes and seeing callers who are ad- 
mitted. For any notes or letters that must be written 
in the name of the family black-edged paper is used. 
The servant at the door must be given full instructions 
as to the proper answers to be made in return for mes- 
sages of sympathy and as to who shall be admitted and 
who refused audience with the ladies of the family. 

Special Expenses 

THOUGH clergymen of Protestant churches make 
no charge for conducting funeral services, either 
at the home of the deceased or at the church, and many 
would refuse a gratuity for this office, a fee is some- 
times given by persons who wish to express substantial 
thanks for the favor and consolation conferred. What 
the fee shall be every individual appreciative of the 
clergyman's kindness can settle with his own heart 
and pocket. When the funeral is held some distance 
from the clergyman's home and a long drive is neces- 
sary to reach the cemetery, then a carriage is placed 
at his disposal to convey him to the house or church, 
later to the cemetery, and finally back home. In the 
Catholic Church the fees for conducting funerals are 
fixed, and are learned by inquiry at the vestry of the 

In the case of a church funeral, a fee is necessary for 
the sexton who opens the church ; the organists and 
vocalists must be paid for their services ; and carriages 
must be provided to convey not only the members of 
the family and relatives, but also the pall-bearers and 

Fourteen] ^jfUtlttalSl 3^3 

such near friends as the occasion and special circum- 
stances dictate, to the church and afterward to the 

Simplicity an Evidence of Dignity and 

Good Taste 

THE time is happily passed when a funeral can 
fittingly be made the occasion of display and 
profuse expenditure. The music, for example, is usu- 
ally carefully arranged for; but an elaborate programme 
and the employment of famous vocalists is unsuitable 
— even vulgar. It is according to the will of th« fam- 
ily whether or not the ceremony shall be supplemented 
on the part of the clergyman by any remarks. An 
innate sense of good taste demands that the casket be 
chosen either of polished oak, or one covered with 
black cloth, with black or silver mountings. And 
there is even special avoidance of elaborately decorated 
hearses drawn by beplumed horses, and any extrava- 
gant display of flowers. For a house or church funeral 
fewer flowers are used every year. None save those 
contributed by the closest friends are used for deco- 
ration. Palms and ferns had in from a florist are 
not to be tolerated ; and no longer is it considered in 
good taste to send ahead of the procession a carriage 
loaded with bouquets and set floral pieces. In cities, 
when a great quantity of flowers are received, the 
larger part of such as are not wrought into special 
devices are, as a rule, sent to the hospitals, to decorate 
the wards of invalids who do not guess the mournful 
purpose for which they were originally designed, and 
only a few blossoms are laid on the coffin and the grave. 

324 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Appointing the Pall-Bearers 

FOR a married person of middle age six or eight 
gentlemen are, as a rule, selected to form the 
guard of honor, and walk just before the casket as it is 
carried to the church and cemetery. For a young per- 
son — a girl or a very young man — it is the custom now 
to appoint this guard from among the most intimate 
friends of the deceased. Six young ladies in white 
would suitably serve in honor of one of their own sex 
and age, while an equal number of young men would 
officiate at the funeral of a young man. It is never 
good taste to appoint relatives for pall-bearers. 

Whoever is asked to serve must receive his invita- 
tion from the head of the family of the deceased by 
note or by a message sent through an accredited friend 
or relative. A lady who had lost her son, daughter or 
husband, would either send someone to call formally on 
the persons she desires to appoint or she could direct 
someone to write briefly for her. 

The pall-bearers are asked to assemble at the house, 
drive thence to the church, and, after the service at the 
church, they quietly disperse, and do not officiate at 
the cemetery. The carriages provided for pall-bearers 
do not, unless young ladies serve, call for them indi- 
vidually at their houses. I nstead, when the request for 
service is made, the hour is very explicitly given at 
which the funeral cortege will assemble before proceed- 
ing to the church, and when all is in readiness the pall- 
bearers are shown to the carriages before the door that 
have been provided for them. It was an old-fashioned 
custom to present the pall-bearers with crepe hat-scarfs 
jind black kid gloves ; but nowadays, though the gloves 

Fourteen] jfUUetalfi 3^5 

are sometimes given to gentlemen as they enter the 
house, the scarfs are no longer in use. 

Conduct of a Church Funeral 

A STRENUOUS effort should be made to carry out 
the sad ceremony with the utmost punctuality. 
In the case of a church funeral, only the pall-bearers and 
the nearest relatives of the deceased assemble at the 
house. As soon as all is in readiness, the doors are 
thrown wide open, the casket is borne out on the shoul- 
ders of the undertaker's assistants, and walking before 
it, two and two, go the pall-bearers. These gentlemen 
occupy the carriages that drive directly behind the 
hearse, and then in the order of their relationship 
come the near relatives of the deceased. 

The central doors of the church are closed when the 
hearse arrives, the vestibule is cleared, and, when the 
procession is ready to move, the music begins and con- 
tinues as the procession moves up the aisle. It de- 
pends entirely upon the special burial service followed 
whether the clergyman meets the cortege in the vesti- 
bule and precedes it up the aisle or awaits the coffin be- 
fore the altar. Sometimes white-robed choristers es- 
cort the mourners up the aisle, sin^ng a suitable hymn 
the while. But whatever the arrangement followed, 
the coffin is borne in on the shoulders of the sexton's 
assistants, or. sometimes by the pall-bearers ; but, as a 
rule, the pall-bearers simply walk with measured pace, 
two and two, before it, and directly behind it come the 
nearest relatives. 

Parents walk arm in arm in attending the body 
of their child, with their surviving children in the order 

326 Rncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

of seniority just behind them. A widow follows the 
body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son, with 
her other children immediately following. Then come 
the deceased man's parents, and behind these his 
brothers and sisters. A widower follows the body of his 
wife, attended by his eldest daughter or his eldest son. 
The elder children take precedence of the younger in 
following the body of either of their parents. 

The pall-bcarers occupy the first pews at the left of 
the centre aisle, and the near relatives sit in the first 
pews on the right. 

At the conclusion of the service, the pall-bearers, 
walking again in the order in which they entered, pass 
down the aisle ; and the members of the family follow 
them, directly behind the coffin. When these have 
passed out, the central doors of the church are shut 
until the carriages of the nearest relatives have been 
filled and begin to move off toward the cemetery. 

If the cemetery is situated at a considerable dis- 
tance from the church, as in large cities, and prayers 
are to be offered at the grave, the clergyman precedes 
all the others down the aisle, and enters a carriage, 
which drives before the hearse. 

When the family return home, after the interment, 
the front blinds should be found open and all outward 
signs of mourning cffeced. 

A House Funeral " 

WHEN a funeral is held at the house, the drawing- 
room should be provided by the undertaker 
with a number of folding-chairs. The casket, set on suit- 
ably draped stands, is at one end of the room, and flowers 

Fourteen] jfUtlftalSl 3^? 

are placed on and about it. A servant in mourning 
livery admits the guests^ and paii-bearers are not 
usually asked to officiate. No unusual provision need 
be made for caring for the wraps of guests ; but some 
representative of the family should be in readiness to 
receive people as they enter at the drawing-room door. 
Musicians, if there are any employed for the occa- 
sion, are best stationed in an adjacent room or in the 
hallway, whence voices and instruments can be clearly 
heard, but the performers not seen. It is requisite to 
send a carriage to bring the minister to the house; 
and on his entering the room to take his place beside 
the casket, the members of the immediate family of the 
deceased, if they have not done so before, enter also. 
The women, if they intend to go to the cemetery, 
enter in their bonnets and veils, leaning on the arms 
of their nearest masculine relatives. This group finds 
seats in the row of chairs nearest the casket. Where 
the women of a femily /eel a great and quite uncon- 
trollable grief it is more considerate for them to gather 
in a room adjoining that in which the services are held, 
and no criticism arises where mother, sisters, wife, or 
daughters do not appear at church or ceremony and 
do not follow the procession to the cemetery. 

Mourning Dress for Women 

THE first mourning dress for a widow consists of a 
black worsted skirt and waist, trimmed very sim- 
ply with folds of English crepe ; a bonnet made wholly 
df crepe, with a long crepe veil falling in the rear to the 
knees, or even lower, and for the first month or three 
weeks an equally long veil felling over the fece. Just 

328 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

inside the front edge of the bonnet a white ruche of 
lisse is set, and from wrists and throat bands of hem- 
stitched white organdie are turned back. Dull jet 
ornaments, black suede or glace kid gloves, a black 
sealskin purse, and black-bordered handkerchiefs com- 
plete her sombre attire. Elderly ladies, as a rule, 
cling to a slight modification of this mourning for the 
balance of their days, substituting, after a year and a 
half or two years, a bonnet and rear drapery of light- 
weight nun's veiling, and, while leaving off the black 
border from the handkerchief and crepe trimmings 
from the gowns, continue to wear none but black 
dresses, with white muslin wrist and throat bands, black 
gloves and purse ; and use only a little jewelry, and that 
very simple. 

The widow who purposes to leave off her mourning 
in due time wears a crepe bonnet and long veil and 
crepe-trimmed gowns a year. After this black costumes 
of crepe de chine, lustreless silk, etc., are assumed, with 
hats and bonnets garnished with black ribbon and black 
flowers, black chiffon, and dull jet ornaments. After 
six months, white and lilac touches may suitably relieve 
the second mourning; and after two years have ex- 
pired, colors may be resumed. 

A married woman wears, in mourning for her child, 
a sister, a brother, or a parent, just such dress as she 
wears in case of widowhood, with the exception of the 
white bonnet ruche, which is the unmistakable insignia 
of widowhood. She also wears her sable raiment one 
year at the least, though it is in better taste to assume 
second mourning after a year and a half, and not to go 
fiilly into colors until two years. 

For infants, mourning is by some deeply sorrowing 

Fourteen] ^^ttttftlfiJ 3»9 

mothers not worn at all, and where the bereaved parent 
is blessed with other young children it is kindest to 
them to wear as little funeral black as possible. A 
baby boy or girl may be suitably mourned for in sim- 
ple black, without crepe, relieved with white and lilac, 
or in soft gray. 

Black without crepe for one month is the suitable 
mourning in case of the death of a mother-in-law or a 
father-in-law ; after the first month, two or three weeks 
of black and white or gray, brightened with lilac, should 

Mourning is not often worn for brothers-in-law, sis- 
ters-in-law, aunts-in-law, or uncles-in-law, nor for a hus- 
band's grandparents. A young unmarried woman 
should not wear a black bonnet and veil in mourning 
for her parents, or for a sister or a brother. In either 
of these cases, a hat trimmed wholly with crepe and a 
small' face veil of plain black net with a broad .border 
of crepe, a worsted gown trimmed with folds of crepe, 
black gloves, handkerchiefs with delicate ornamental 
black borders, and dull jet ornaments, or, better, none 
at all, make the proper toilet for the first six months 
or year. After that, the crepe is put off, and white 
is introduced with the black, and lilac is worn ; and 
in second mourning, in the summer season, young 
women may appropriately wear white with mourning 

Middle-aged unmarried women in mourning for 
parents or sisters and brothers, wear just what a married 
woman wears in mourning for any of these relatives, 
and for the same time. 

In mourning for an aunt, an uncle, or a grandparent, 
simple black without a touch of crepe, worn for three 

330 Kncycloptedia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

months, IS the rule. Ordinary jewelry that is not con- 
spicuous may be worn with this dress. 

For a first cousin, simple black, worn for three 
weeks' mourning, is sufficient, though few persons wear 
black for cousins. Indeed, to assume crepe after the 
death of any but members of one's immediate femily is 
a foolish and conspicuous exaggeration of a hypocritical 
grief, unless the uncle, aunt, grandparent, or cousin has 
lived in near and dear association with the mourner, 
who experiences all the pain of losing one who was as 
beloved as a parent, sister, or brother. Then the 
mourning is worn as deep and for as long a time as for 
the nearest relatives. 

It is not wise nor in good taste to put children un- 
der fifteen years of age in mourning, and no girl under 
seventeen should wear crepe. On the death of a parent, 
a sister, or a brother, a young girl wears a black felt or 
black straw hat, trimmed only with bows of lustreless 
ribbon. Her dress should be black, touched with 
white about the waist. She should wear no jewelry 
of any kind ; but she does not carry a black-bordered 

Mourning for Men 

A WIDOWER wears mourning for one year or 
eighteen months. For first mourning, com- 
plete suits of black, with white linen, black lustreless 
silk neckties, dull black leather shoes, black gloves, 
cyfF-links of black enamel, and a hat banded with crepe 
are the rule. The extremely wide hat-band, like the 
widow's veil that sweeps the floor, is entirely out of 
favor with people of modest and refined feeling as be- 

Fourteen] ;fViXittdX& 33 > 

ing simply ostentation^ and a band of moderate width, 
like the veil of comfortable length, is much to be pre- 
ferred. After eight months or a year, the band is 
wisely put off. For second mourning, if it is adopted, 
gray or black clothes, black and black-and-white silk 
neckties, gray gloves, and white, or black and white, 
linen are the proper articles. Men do not, as a rule, 
carry black-bordered handkerchiefs. 

A gentleman wears mourning for a parent, a child, 
a sister, or a brother for six months or a year, as he 
prefers. The crepe hat-band is adopted for this uni- 
form of woe, but is narrower than that worn by a 
widower. Few men wear any mourning for grand- 
parents, cousins, uncles, or aunts ; but when they do, 
the second mourning, as given above for a widower, is 

A word must be said in condemnation of the grow- 
ing custom of sewing a black band on the coat-sleeve 
in token of half mourning. This is an affectation bor- 
rowed from England, where it was introduced originally 
for liveried servants, whom it was not thought neces- 
sary to fit out in complete uniforms of black. Coach- 
men were sent to the tailors to have their coat-facings 
covered with black, weeds put upon their hats, and 
bands on their sleeves, and this compromise between 
the demands of society and the thrift of the master of 
the house has been approved and accepted. The man, 
however, who contents himself with simply fixing a 
crepe cloth strap to his sleeve for a near relative does 
something less than honor to the memory of the de- 
ceased, while to assume the band for a brother-in-law 
or cousin is the merest form. The worst phase of the 
coat-sleeve band, however, is that it remains quite un- 

33^ Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

classifiable, since men wear it carelessly for the nearest 
or most distant relatives. If a gentleman cannot afford 
or does not approve of mourning in black garments 
for his parents or his cousins, then he should frankly 
abjure the whole livery of grief, for the compromise of 
the black band betrays a painfully economical mind or 
one too fond of small ostentatious details. 

Seclusion During the Period of 


AS long as the crepe veil and crepe-trimmed gown 
are worn, a woman should refrain from partici- 
pation in all social gayeties. During the first three 
weeks after the loss of a near relative, women refuse 
themselves to all visitors except relatives and most in- 
timate friends. After this, while not keeping any day 
at home, they do as a rule find themselves sufficiently 
resigned and controlled to receive a few callers, and to 
speak with composure of the recent trial. 

Six months after the loss of a parent, sister, brother, 
child or husband, a woman is entitled to call very in- 
formally on her friends. That is to say, she makes 
her call on some other afternoon than that of her friend's 
day at home. After six months, she is privileged to 
attend concerts, picture shows, and, if she wishes, the 
matinee performances at the theatre. When the crepe 
decorations are put off, small dinners and luncheons, 
and night performances at the theatre or opera, wit- 
nessed from an orchestra chair, supply ample diversion, 
but not until well along in second mourning is attend- 
ance at large dinners and the like ever resumed ; and 
balls and the opera-box and the regular round of social 

Fourteen] jfUtlttalSl 333 

calls are never taken up again until colors are again 

Men do not so carefully graduate their mourning, 
nor their resumption of social duties, as women. Af- 
ter three weeks or two months, the theatre, club, and 
small dinners and calls among intimate friends are re- 
sumed, and since so few men wear mourning at all 
their social habits are resumed after brief retirement. 
It should be said, however, that while wearing a broad 
band on his hat, a man does not go to a ball, sit in an 
opera-box, or attend a fashionable dinner. 

Ans^ye^ing Letters of Condolence 

LETTERS and notes of condolence should be an- 
swered ; the recipients of these testimonials of 
regard is privileged, however, to await an opportune 
moment, when time shall have brought in a measure 

To write a few lines is all-sufficient when there is no 
courage to express one's self at length, and only to inti- 
mates should the bereaved individual offer particulars 
of this bereavement. It is enough to say, for ex- 
ample : 

pj Garden Place^ 

January loth^ ig — . 
My Dear Mrs. Holland: 

I am grateful for your kind expressions of sympathy. My 
mother^ I am happy to say^ has borne this great trial with won^ 
derful fortitude and a cheerfulness that is a lesson and strength 
to us alL She joins me in kind regards. 

Believe me very sincerely yours^ 

Eleanor A. Peterson. 

334 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

The HedgeSy 

June sthy ip— 
Dear Mr. Raicliffe : 

Though your kind letter has waited overlong for a reply ^ 
its messages of sympathy were none the less appreciated. I am 
going away for a while^ to try and regain my strength and 
courage^ that have been sadly shattered by the cruel test so lately 
put upon all my powers of endurance. 

Perhaps on my return^ sometime after the fifteenth of July^ 
you will come and see me-^n the late afternoon^ when I am as 
a rule at home. 

Sincerely yours, 

Caroline B. Fohwell. 

When Attending a Church Funeral 

IF in the published advertisement of a friend's de- 
cease the request to omit flowers is made and a 
private funeral is announced, none but the closest in- 
timates of the defunct can presume to disobey the 
expressed wishes of the family. If the funeral is an- 
nounced without special comments or prohibitions, all 
friends are entitled to attend the obsequies, even if but 
slightly acquainted with the bereaved family. 

Those who attend a church funeral should observe 
the strictest punctuality, that they may be settled in 
their seats before the cortege arrives. If no one is in 
attendance to direct them to seats, they should be care- 
ful not to take those intended for the relatives and the 
pall-bearers. As the strains of the funeral march or 
the notes of the opening hymn begin to sound, the 
whole congregation rise and remain standing until the 
chief mourners have found their seats. At the conclu- 
sion of the service, the congregation rise and stand 

Fourteen] jfUtlftalSl 335 

waiting, until the funeral procession has passed out, 
and then quietly disperse. If the published notice of 
a death, as is now frequently the case, informs the pub- 
lic that the interment will be private, it is an intrusion 
for any but the nearest relatives and a few particularly 
invited friends to follow the mourners to the cemetery. 
In the large cities nowadays, for none but near rela- 
tives and special friends of the mourners are carriages 
provided for conveyance to and from the cemetery ; 
and when others attend to the cemetery (as they prop- 
erly may if the interment is not announced to be pri- 
vate) they furnish their own conveyance, usually join- 
ing the funeral procession in their own carriages. In 
case carriages for more than the near relatives and 
special friends are provided and are in waiting at the 
church, members of the general funeral congregation, 
on coming out of church, are free to step into them as 
they drive up in quick succession. 

Many persons are troubled to know if at the con- 
clusion of a burial they are privileged to drive to their 
own homes in the carriage provided for their convey- 
ance to the cemetery. The answer to this is yes, if the 
funeral takes place in a town or city. In that case, the 
carriage is dismissed at one's own door. 

No longer is it permissible to follow the curious old- 
fashioned custom of sending an empty carriage to drive 
in a funeral procession in token of the respect which 
the owner was prevented from showing by appearing 
in person. It is not necessary or considerate for any 
but very intimate friends to attempt to take farewell 
of the mourners on their leaving the cemetery. 

336 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 
Attending a House Funeral 

THE etiquette is very nearly the same as that ob- 
served at a church ceremony. Ladies' wraps 
are not laid aside. The friends enter quietly and choose 
seats so that the chairs nearest the casket will be free 
for the use of the mourners. Gentlemen remove their 
hats and their coats if they wish, but carry the first in 
their hands and the latter over their arms. At the 
conclusion of the service everyone rises, as the casket, 
the pall-bearers, and the mourners pass out, and if the 
interment is to be private, then the company quietly 
disperses. Sometimes, in the event of a house funeral, 
the guests are expected to retire first, and then later 
and very quietly the family follow their dead to the 
cemetery. I n either case, there is no need for anyone 
save the pall-bearers or near and dear friends to at- 
tempt to speak with the stricken relatives. The cards 
left, as directed in the chapter on Cards, when the an- 
nouncement of the death was made, and the call of 
condolence to follow, give ample scope for evidence of 
attention and sympathy. 

No one should attend the religious rites for the 
dead at a church or home and fail to kneel, stand and 
sit in accordance with the ceremonial used. If profess- 
ing a different creed from that of the chief mourners, 
a creed that forbids even the empty compliance with 
the rites of another church, it is best to absent one's 
self from the funeral ceremony rather than betray a 
lack of feeling and reverence by conspicuously sitting 
or standing while others kneel or bow. Finally, let it 
be said, and emphatically, that none but the prying 
vulgarian will attempt to attend the funeral of a total 

Fourteen] ^^UttElfil 337 

Stranger, unless the deceased is a person of such repu- 
tation that his or her obsequies assume a public or 
semi-public character. 

Sending Flowers 

THOSE only who may lay undisputed claim to the 
title of friend of the deceased or of the surviv- 
ing relatives are at liberty to send flowers. No rule 
can be laid down as to the choice of blossoms, either in 
color or method of arrangement. Very elaborate designs 
are no longer considered tasteful ; but a wreath of vio- 
lets or autumn leaves, a cross of daisies, a sheaf of lilies 
or a box of loose roses, are any of them appropriate. 
Flowers are best sent on the day of the burial, to the 
house, and at least two hours before the funeral. Every 
offering should be accompanied by the sender's en- 
graved visiting card, tied with a bit of narrow white 
ribbon to the wreath or stems. Above the engraved 
name an expression of sympathy is always written in 
ink or pencil — PFilA sincere sympathy^ for example. An 
equally approved form is to write From above one's 
name, and below. With kindest regards and sympathy. 

Etiquette for Pall-bearers 

NOTHING short of illness or absence from the 
locality at the time of the funeral, serves as an 
excuse for refusing to act as pall-bearer. A prompt 
answer must be given when the request is made, and a 
man on being chosen as pall-bearer follows up his 
written answer by calling at the house of the deceased 

338 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

and leaving his card, if he has not previously fulfilled 
this duty. A pall^bearer would feel it incumbent upon 
him to send flowers, unless a special request to omit 
them had been made in the published death notice. 
Having informed himself carefully beforehand when 
and where his duties are to begin, he must, on the day 
of the funeral, observe the strictest punctuality in pre- 
senting himself at the house, in the church vestibule or 
whatever place the family have appointed for the pall- 
bearers to assemble. 

In other times these funeral attendants literally 
carried the cloth or velvet pall used to cover the coffin, 
and in some localities and on some occasions they do 
now genuinely serve by carrying the casket on their 
shoulders or by its handles into and out of the church. 
Most frequently, however, the pall-bearers appear 
merely as a stately guard of honor for the dead, walk- 
ing before the casket, carried by the undertaker's or 
sexton's assistants, as it is transported to and from 
the altar. The sexton, or the person who directs all 
the ceremony, quietly informs the pall-bearers what 
their position is to be in the cortege. It is customary 
for the older gentlemen to walk first. While the cas- 
ket is being put into the hearse for conveyance to the 
church, lifted out to be borne up the aisle, and again 
restored to its carriage, these gentlemen stand near with 
uncovered heads, and do not enter their vehicles until 
the hearse has passed on ahead. If they assemble at 
the house before driving to the church, they do not 
remove their overcoats while waiting there; and to 
representative members of the bereaved family, if any 
are present, it is their duty to speak a few words of 

Fourteen] jfUttttalfil 


It would suffice to say to a newly made widow or 
to a daughter who had lost her father 

/ wish to assure you of my heartfelt sympathy^ Mrs, Blank ; 
or, ff^e all share your loss^ Airs. Blanks and you have my 
deepest sympathy ; or, / fully appreciate and deplore your great 
affliction^ Miss Blanky which you bear with great courage and 

A few days after the funeral, a pall-bearer should 
call and leave his card upon the chief mourners ; and 
he may properly send cut flowers to some of the 
ladies of the family, accompanied by his card bearing 
the words fVith the compliments ^pencilled above his 
name. Not that this last courtesy is an* obligation, and 
when making his call it is all-sufficient for a pall-bearer 
to inquire at the door after the ladies and then leave 
his card without asking to see any of the members of 
the family. 

Dr.ess at a Funeral 

FOR pall-bearers the proper dress is a black frock 
coat, trousers and waistcoat to match, white 
linen, a black necktie, a black silk high hat with a 
mourning band, black shoes, and black kid gloves. 
For other men attending either a house or a church 
funeral, the most appropriate dress is one that in the 
chief features conforms to that of the pall-bearers ; but 
the black necktie, black gloves and hat-band, are not 
required except for relatives, and, except for these, gray 
gloves and a necktie of sober coloring would be appro- 
priate. If, however, a man cannot conveniently ar- 
range to prepare such a toilet, he should select a black 

340 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

coat and gray trousers, the coat preferably a cutaway, 
or what is also known as an English walking-coat, 
wearing with these a quiet necktie, dark gloves and a 
dark brown or black derby hat, or soft gray felt. To 
attend a funeral in a flannel lounging-coat, checked 
trousers, gayly striped or dotted linen, a flaring neck- 
tie, brown shoes and a straw hat, is to demonstrate 
little self-respect and reverence for the solemn occasion. 
Women strive, as nearly as possible, to wear simple 
and unrelieved black at a funeral, though a very dark 
worsted gown, with an extremely quiet hat, black suede 
gloves and a small black veil, is entirely becoming, if 
the black costume is not available. It is better to stay 
away from a funeral if only bright-colored garments 
are at command. 

Letters of Condolence 

TO send a few written words of sympathy and con- 
dolence to the friend who has suflFered a bereave- 
ment is an imperative duty for both men and women 
in society. There should exist between the persons 
concerned a genuine friendship, however, and to write 
a letter of condolence to a mere acquaintance, or one 
with whom no calling connection is claimed and no 
hospitalities have been exchanged, is merely to lengthen 
out the chain of social obligations endlessly and stu- 
pidly. Indeed, it is something of an impertinence to 
write a letter of condolence in the last-mentioned cir- 
cumstances. Card-leaving, as directed in the chapter 
on Cards, fully expresses to one who is a mere acquaint- 
ance one's good feeling, and beyond this nothing is 
required. To a friend, however, a note of condolence 

Fourteen] ^jfUtlttElfif 341 

should be despatched directly news of the bereavement 
is received ; but this note should not be offered in 
place of the stereotyped card-leaving. That is to be 
always gone through with when the bereaved person 
and the sympathetic friend reside in the same town or 

The letter of condolence should be brief, unless 
written by a dear friend of the person in distress, and 
for such letters, naturally, no rules can be given here. 

Aside from its brevity, the terms of a note of con- 
dolence should be confined to the sad object of the 
correspondence, and references to social or domestic 
affairs are irrelevant and ill-timed. To use the formal 
phrases of consolation is far better than to gush in 
verse or elaborate high-flown and empty sentiments 
interlarded with quotations. With some persons these 
letters of occasion are easily, nobly, and adequately 
expressed, breathing sincere and helpful philosophy, 
but it is a rare and lovely talent to touch a grief 
familiarly, yet to soothe and not to wound, and the 
man or woman who is not thus accomplished achieves 
a more pleasing result by clinging to some such simple 
formulas as the following, if no original inspiration can 
be commanded to supply a substitute : 

l8 Berkeley Heights^ 

-*% 5» ^9 — • 
My dear Mrs. Ronalds : 

It is with great regret that we have heard of the sad occur^ 

rence in your family. Will you not accept our united and sincere 

condolences ? 

With deepest sympathy^ I remain^ my dear Mrs, Ronalds^ 

Tours sincerely^ 

Mary A. Flagler. 

342 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

August 20^ ig — . 
Dear Miss Raymond: 

I was deeply grieved to hear to-day of the death of your dear 
mother. We who know her share in your loss^ and though little 
can he said or written to afford you just now any true consolation^ 
I cannot forbear to assure you of my most heartfelt sympathy. 

Believe me very sincerely yours^ 

Margaret Van Ness, 

20 Wakefield Street^ 
December j, /p — . 
My dear Mrs. Boswell : 

The news of your great and irreparable loss has been to me a 
painful surprise, I had the privilege of knowing your brother in 
his social and domestic life^ aside from our association in many 
business transactions^ and a nobler^ more generous^ and more hon- 
orable man never held the high esteem of all who enjoyed his 
acquaintance. I beg to offer you my profoundest sympathy^ and 
remain^ Faithfully yours^ 

H. A. Travor, 

Chapter FIFTEEN 
Choosing the Sponsors 

THE birth of a child may be formally an- 
nounced to one's friends and acquaint- 
ances by the distribution of cards, as 
directed in the chapter on Cards. Very 
few persons advertise the advent of a 
little stranger in their family through the columns of 
the local newspaper. Following the announcement of 
her baby*s arrival, the happy mother finds herself the 
recipient of notes of congratulation and of calls of in- 
quiry after her own and tne child's health. When the 
child has proven its strength and the mother is ready 
to resume her social duties, she answers the letters of 
congratulation, sends cards of thanks for the kind in- 
quiries, and begins to plan for the baptism. The first 
step in this ceremony is the choice of sponsors, if the 
religious creed that the parents profess, such, for exam- 
ple as that of the Protestant Episcopal Church, demands 
these guardians of a child's birth faith. Parents should 
never request any but relatives or very near friends to 
act in this capacity. Two women and one man usu- 
ally are sponsors for a girl baby, and two men and one 

344 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

woman for a boy, though one godfather and one god- 
mother suffice for a child of either sex. Usually the 
mother writes to ask the service of the friends or rela- 
tives decided upon to take the vows in behalf of her 
baby ; but there is no reason why the request should 
not be made verbally. A proper and frequently used 
form for such a request is as follows : 

21 Wayland Place. 
Dear Mr. Carey : 

My husband and I would he so pleased if you would consent 
to be godfather to our little boy. Dr. and Mrs. "James are the 
other sponsors chosen. We have arranged for the baby^s baptism 
at four 0* clock on Sunday next^ at St. Thomas's Churchy and we 
hope you will yield to our request and be present on the occasion^ 
and also drink the health of our son at our house after the chris- 

With kind regards from us both^ believe me^ 

Sincerely yoursy 

Mary T. Willis, 

55 Prospect Street. 


June ^5, /p— . 
Dear Madge : 

The baby will be christened next Sunday at four o* clock, in 
our drawing-room, and it would give me great pleasure and satisfac- 
tion if you would stand godmother to the dear child, who is named 
after you, Margaret Fincent. My sister has promised to be her 
second godmother and Frederick Morris, my husband's brother, 
is her godfather. I count on your consent. With kind regards, 
in which my husband joins, I am as ever. 

Sincerely yours, 

Caroline Morris. 


Fifteen] CJrifitmttlgfi 345 

Invitations to a Christening 

AS a rule, aside from the sponsors and near rela- 
tives, only a few intimate friends of the husband 
and wife are asked to be present at the baptism, and 
to them brief notes of invitation are issued by the wife. 
Sometimes, though, especially in the case of a first 
child, the christening is made the occasion of a formal 
entertainment, engraved cards of invitation are is- 
sued to a number of good friends and the baptismal 
ceremony takes place in the drawing-room. The fol- 
lowing is a good form for use in such a case : 

Mr. and Mrs. Eric A. Morris 

request the pleasure of your company 

at the christening of their son 

on Thursday^ yune fifth 

at four o'clock^ at 

Five Prospect Street 

A Church Christening 

WHEN the ceremony is to take place with a con- 
siderable degree of elegance in a church, the 
font and chancel may be prettily, but not elaborately, 
decorated with flowers. At the chosen hour the rela- 
tives and friends and the sponsors take their places in 
the pews nearest the altar. The parents, the baby and 
the nurse drive last to the church, and the baby, in the 
nurse's arms, is taken up the aisle beside the mother. 
At the head of the aisle, the mother takes her seat in 

346 Kncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the first pew; the godmother, or elder godmother 
if there are two, then walks beside the nurse, followed 
by the other sponsors, until she stands directly before 
the clergyman. At his direction, she takes the child 
from the nurse's arms and hands it to him ; and on re- 
ceiving it back from him, she restores it to the nurse. 
If the child has been brought into the church wearing 
a hood and cloak, these are removed by the nurse 
before the clergyman takes it. When there is any 
doubt in the minds of the sponsors as to their abil- 
ity to remember the child's full name, the mother 
should write out the name legibly on slips of paper, 
and send these to the sponsors the day of the chris- 

If no hospitalities are to be offered the persons 
present at the ceremony, the parents may linger a mo- 
ment to receive in the church vestibule the congratula- 
tions of their friends. When a reception is to follow, 
the parents, child and nurse, and then the sponsors, re- 
enter their carriages immediately and drive to the house, 
while the friends follow. 

A House Christening 

WHEN a child is christened at home, a font, in the 
shape of a flower-wreathed bowl, is placed in the 
drawing-room on a small table draped in white. An 
abundance of flowers arranged about the room adds to 
the charm of its appearance. The child's parents re- 
ceive the guests together as they arrive ; and the latter 
stand or sit about as they please. When the clergy- 
man arrives, the mother disappears for an instant, 
then re-enters the room beside the niirse, accom- 

Fifteen] Cf)tt£ltmtnS0 347 

panied by the sponsors, and the ceremony proceeds as 
m a church. Wnere, as according to the ritual of some 
churches, no sponsors take part, the mother gives her 
child to the clergyman. It is usual for the baby to be 
brought in on a lawn and lace trimmed pillow, and to 
the little one's fine gown a posy of delicate white 
flowers should be pinned. 

A Christening Celebration 

AFTER a quiet ceremony at the church or the 
house, the child's health is usually drunk in 
white wine and a prettily iced cake is cut. This is the 
least that can be done in honor of the occasion, and 
this simple cheer may either precede or follow the 
ceremony. When a house christening is followed by 
a reception, its arrangement and management follow 
the directions already given in the chapter on Recep- 
tions. If a breakfast or luncheon follows, then, with 
.slight deviation, the rules already given for such en- 
tertainments should be adhered to. 

The menu of a christening breakfast or luncheon 
should be simple, and the christening cake and wine 
form the last course or dessert. The cake must be 
iced, set before the child's mother, cut by her, and 
then passed, the wine, either red or white, following. 

The clergyman who performs the baptism is invited 
to be present. He goes into the dining-room with 
the child's maternal or paternal grandmother, and is 
invariably requested to ask a blessing. The host and 
hostess preside respectively at the head and foot of 
the table, which should be liberally decorated with 

348 Rncyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

If it is the mother's desire to display the gifts 
which her baby has received, she can spread them forth, 
without the cards of the donors attached, in some 
room on the drawing-room floor. To the ofliciating 
clergyman, unless he is a relative or very close friend, 
a fee may be sent later. 

The mother, under the guide of ordinary prudence 
and good-sense, usually sends the child to the nursery 
as soon as the christening ceremony is finished and her 
women friends have satisfied their interest in its charms 
and sufficiently admired its rich and delicate costume. 
On the occasion of a christening, the father of the baby 
should give its nurse a special fee, and the mother 
earns the good-will of this important friend of her 
baby by presenting a suitable gown, lace-trimmed cap, 
fine apron, or an ornament — ^a pin or chain, or the 
like — as a souvenir. 

The Duties of Sponsors 

PERSONS asked to assume the duties of sponsor 
may accept verbally by making a call on the 
child's mother, or by note. Conscientious persons 
sometimes reflise this responsibility from a very com- 
mendable sense of duty which forbids them to accept a 
task that they have not the inclination or the power to 
fulfil properly. As a rule, however, the person asked 
accepts in the spirit in which the invitation is given, 
regarding it as a pretty distinction, imposing no very 
grave duties, but exacting from them thereafter toward 
the child great good-will, if not aflfection. The follow- 
ing are proper forms for a written acceptance : 

Fifteen] Cf^tt^iXninS^ 349 

6y Concord Street^ 

June 26^ ig — . 
Dear Mrs. Willh : 

I shall be most happy to act as godfather for your boy^ whoy 
from his looksy promises to grow up to be a pride and pleasure to 
his relatives and friends. 

I will be on hand at the place and hour given in your note^ 
and can promise you that the sturdy young man^for his parents* as 
well as his own sake^ will always find in me a stanch friend. 
With kind regards to you both^ believe me^ 

Faithfully yours^ 

Johnson A. Carey. 


jj Brook Street J 

June 26^ Ip — . 
Dear Caroline: 

I am honored beyond my deserts j and I will stand sponsor to 
my dear little namesake with the greatest pleasure. 

Believe me^ with sincere appreciation of the great compli^ 
ment you have paid me^ and with kindest regards to Mr. Morris^ 

Tours affectionately y 

Madge V. Harris. 

A few days in advance of the christening a gift 
should be sent the child by every sponsor. Any piece 
of silver ought to be marked with the little one's name. 
With the gift should be sent the giver's visiting card, 
inscribed with a suitable sentiment ; and it should be 
sent to the child's home, addressed to the baby him- 
self. Godfathers usually give silver pieces or jewelry. 
A sum of money deposited in a savings bank to the 
baby's credit, and the bank-book or a check sent the 
parents, is not an uncommon gift when the godfather 

350 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

is a relative and wealthy. A woman sponsor may give 
her godchild its christening robe, a cloak, cradle, or 
carriage, a set of garments, or any one of the gifts 
suitable for a godfather. Persons selected as sponsors 
usually try to call at once on the parents and send the 
mother flowers, and express themselves as flattered at 
the honor bestowed. 

A godfather has little to do at the ceremony but 
stand behind the godmother or godmothers, assent to 
the vows, and give his spiritual charge an amiable glance 
and smile. At the drinking of the wine, after the 
christening, a godfather first proposes the child's health, 
and then that of its mother. 

Dress at a Christening 


IT is the rule for the mother of the baby to wear a 
becoming and elaborate reception gown ; and to 
the church, white gloves and very light hat or bonnet. 
The women guests dress as for an afternoon reception, 
when a function of that kind succeeds the baptism; 
and for a christening luncheon or breakfast they dress 
as has been directed in the chapters treating of such 

The father of the child and all men friends, when 
the christening takes place in the afternoon, wear the 
dress appointed in the chapter on Afternoon Recep- 
tions, unless the time is summer, then the high hat and 
frock coat may be replaced by a straw hat and becom- 
ing suit of light flannels. 

At a house christening the baby's mother can wear, 
if she chooses, a bright, elaborate, and becoming tea- 

Fifteen] Cj)rifi(tmittgfi( 35 1 

Guests at a Christening 

TH E friends of the parents usually seize such an 
occasion as a christening for the presentation of 
flowers to the mother or tasteful and useful gifts to the 
baby. This is not obligatory, but it is very often done. 
Gifts are sent a day or two before or on the day of the 
ceremony, in the manner in which wedding presents are 
packed and forwarded (see chapter on Weddings). To 
engraved cards or written notes of invitation, answers 
are promptly sent ; and at the church ceremony the 
guests, as they are never a great number, gather in the 
pews near the chancel. Following the service, and 
afterward at the house, they are at pains to congratu- 
late the parents. At a large house christening some- 
what the same etiquette observed at a reception is fol- 
lowed. The ladies, as a rule, gather about the baby a 
moment, expressing their interest and admiration ; the 
wine is drunk when the child's health is proposed, and 
the hostess is complimented and thanked on bidding 
her adieu. 

Chapter SIXTEEN 

i$acI)elor Hogpttalttteg 

The Bachelor's Tea 

THE city bachelor to-day is not a home- 
less man whose life is passed in his 
club or divided between his business 
office and his boarding-house bed- 
room. If he is prosperous in his pro- 
fession, he lives in a suite of pretty apartments or a 
studio suite, where he entertains his friends of both 
sexes. To give an afternoon reception is the simplest 
and safest form in which he can offer hospitality to the 
greatest number of friends. The afternoon reception 
may be held to display a newly finished portrait or a 
set of fine sketches to his friends ; it may be given in 
honor of a woman friend or relative, or it may be a 
sort of housewarming in dedication of a newly ac- 
quired bachelor home. Whether the tea be large or 
small, if the guests are of both sexes a married chap- 
eron is necessary. She must be the first person in- 
vited, and her invitation should be by note or a personal 
call at her house. The chaperon secured, the bachelor 
invites his company either by means of brief notes, or 
verbally wherever he may meet the men and women 

3Sacf)el0r jlogpttalttteg 353 

he desire? to entertain. He gives his invitations from 
three days to a week in advance of the chosen after- 
noon. To the chaperon he might write in somewhat 
this form: 

Montague Buildings 

December jrd^ /p — . 
My Dear Mrs. Hoyt : 

fV ill you not chaperon a small party at my rooms on Friday 
afternoon at four 0^ clock and thereby place me under, the most 
agreeable obligations ? I am going to have a tea table and a Rus^ 
sian pianist to supply liquid and musical refreshment^ and if I can 
but count on your presence I shall feel sure of the success of my 
modest entertainment. 

Believe me sincerely yours^ 

Roger S, Merritt. 

To other friends it would be polite to write: 

Montague Building^ 

December jrdy /p — . 
Dear Afiss Jones : 

If you and your sister have no other engagements for Friday 
afternoon after four 0^ clock ^ will you not give me the pleasure of 
your company ? I am having tea^ and some music that^ I think ^ you 
would enjoy y in my rooms at the above address. 

Believe me sincerely yours^ 

Roger S. Merritt, 

In event of a very large reception, engraved cards 
of invitation would be necessary, after this form : 

354 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Mr. Roger Langdon Mcrritt 

requests the pleasure of 


on Friday afternoon^ December the tenth^ 

from four to seven o^ clock, 

The Montague Buildings 

20 Broadway. 


A bachelor is not privileged to issue cards an- 
nouncing that he is at home; nor may he invite his 
friends by writing a date and the sentence Music at 
four clock on his calling cards and offer them as 
invitations. These are special prerogatives of 
hostesses. When engraved invitations arje issued, the 
request to the chaperon for her service is still by note 
or verbally in the course of a special call. For an af- 
ternoon reception, large or small, the host has one of 
the bed-rooms of his apartments put in order for the use 
of the ladies in laying aside their wraps ; the living rooms 
are rendered specklessly clean and flowers are disposed 
about in vases. If there is a dining-room, the tea 
things are laid out there on the large table ; otherwise, 
a table is rolled into one corner of the sitting-room, 
and the tea service is placed thereon, with plates of 
small cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, and delicate 
sandwiches placed near it. The windows are darkened, 
and well shaded artificial lights are provided. Though 
the host command the services of but one servant, he 
can still have his guests served very comfortably. The 

Sixteen] 3Sacf)elor jlogpttalltteg 355 

one maid or man (in afternoon livery) can attend at 
the entrance of the apartment to direct the ladies to 
their dressing-room and assist the gentlemen with their 
coats, and still have opportunity to bring hot water for 
the tea-kettle and take out cups that have been used. 
If there is only one servant, the chaperon should be 
asked to pour tea, and the host and his men guests can 
pass the cups and refreshments. 

While guests are arriving, the host must be ready 
to greet them at the door, extending his hand to every 
one and introducing to the chaperon those whom she 
does not already know. A bachelor host wears after- 
noon dress as described in the chapter on Receptions. 
At a small reception he bids every guest adieu, ac- 
companies the ladies to the door of his apartment, un- 
less very much occupied, introduces all strangers to 
one another, and sees the chaperon to her carriage, 
or even to her own door, if she has no carriage and no 

When a very large reception is undertaken, a servant 
must wait on the door and another serve in the dining- 
room. The dining-table should be arranged as directed 
in the paragraph on smaller receptions (see chapter on 
Receptions), and ladies sitting at either end of the table 
to pour the tea and punch, kindly see that guests 
are duly attended to and served. For this office young 
matrons or young unmarried ladies are invited before- 
hand either by note or verbal request. And these are 
in addition to the chaperon, who in this case would be 
an older lady, perhaps the host's mother, married sister 
or aunt. The host himself stands by the door receiv- 
ing, with the chaperon near him, at his right, and to her 
each guest is presented. At the conclusion of the en- 

3s6 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

tertainmenty the host, after expressing his thanks for 
their assistance and presence, conducts the ladies who 
have poured tea and the chaperon to their carriages. 

The Bachelor Dinner, Luncheon, or 

Supper Party 

WHEN giving a dinner, luncheon, or supper party 
in his rooms, an unmarried man follows the 
same rules, in nearly every particular, that have been 
laid down for a woman when giving a dinner in her own 
house. His dinner may be simple or formal, served 
by white-capped maids or men in butler's evening 
livery, and the menu whatever he can afford. If there 
are women among his guests, he selects a married 
woman as the chaperon of the occasion. He is not at 
liberty to invite her, however, without her husband, 
and it is considered in best taste to call upon the lady 
and prefer the request for her presence in person. 
The host takes her in to the table, unless there is a 
lady present in whose special honor the dinner is 
given. In that case, the guest of honor goes out with 
the host and sits at his right, the chaperon sitting at 
his left. All the other guests are successively intro- 
duced to the chaperon. When she leaves, the host 
thanks her for her kind offices, and a call should be 
made by him upon her shortly. The chaperon gives 
the signal for the ladies to leave the dining-room, and 
leads the way, the men standing while the ladies pass 
out. They remain behind, but in a few moments join 
the ladies. When women are not among the guests at 
a dinner, luncheon, breakfast, or supper party, the host 
leads the way to the dining-room or walks behind his 

Sixteen] Bacj^elot |^gpttalttteg as? 

guests, as he prefers. He places the gentleman of 
honor upon his right. 

Dinner invitations are usually issued in the form of 
brief notes ; but if engraved cards are to be used, the 
form given in the chapter on Dinners is the proper one 
to follow. 

The Bachelor's Theatre and Yacht- 
ing Party 

DIRECTIONS concerning the conduct of a the- 
atre party are given in the chapter that treats 
specially of tne etiquette for the theatre and opera. 

A bachelor would not gather a party of men and 
women on board his yacht for a few hours' sailing or a 
dinner, to view a race or enjoy a cruise, without having 
some one to act as chaperon. A gig or a naphtha 
launch, manned by his own men, is sent to bring his 
guests from the shore to the yacht ; and he stands by 
the gangway to greet his guests as they arrive and to 
assist them to the deck. While guests are aboard his 
boat, he should observe many of the rules that guide 
a hostess in entertaining a house party. His chief 
care is to give the chaperon the place of honor at the 
table, to see that she is never left alone long enough to 
feel weary or neglected, and to see that his servants are 
considerate, and especially that a sea-sick guest, if there 
should be one, is given every attention. 

A Bachelor's Guests 

A BACHELOR'S written or engraved invitations 
should be answered promptly. To his teas and 
dinners his friends, men and women, wear such cos- 

358 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

tumes as have been already indicated for these enter- 
tainments when held in a lady's house. At a bachelor's 
reception the host must be greeted warmly, and if it is 
a small affair, a word of appreciation must be spoken 
on bidding him adieu. At a large reception, there is 
no need to take leave formally of the host At a dinner 
or luncheon given by an unmarried man, he and the 
lady who assists him as chaperon must be treated in all 
respects with the consideration and courtesy accorded a 

Young ladies attending a bachelor's tea or dinner 
are not required to go attended by their individual 
chaperons, the presence of a chaperon for the company 
at large, who stands in the place of a hostess, making 
that unnecessary. If at a bachelor's tea or dinner 
the chaperon rises early to leave, the other women 
must leave at the same time. 




THOUGH nearly every out-door recrea- 
tion is practiced under the guidance of 
formal rules that the fair-minded sports- 
man or sportswoman would scorn to 
neglect, the rules themselves, even when 
most closely followed, must be supplemented by cer- 
tain minor niceties of demeanor that lie rather outside 
the exact scope of fixed regulations. Of these small 
but none the less important details of conduct while 
purstiing a sport, the average man or woman is not so 
often ignorant as negligent, going only half way in the 
execution of little politenesses under an unfortunate 
impression that thoroughness in such matters is really 
unessential. For example, the average man is well 
enough aware that, if a woman is to be his companion 
in a drive, he must draw his vehicle up as near as pos- 
sible to the steps or pavement from which she mounts, 
turn the wheels well out to admit her easy entrance 
to the trap, and standing behind her as she steps up, 
guard her gown from any injury. It is not infrequently 
the case, however, that the verv same man who would 

360 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

do so much with the utmost care, once in his seat, 
urges his horse on before the lady is comfortably set- 
tled and the lap-robe in place, and on the high road 
asks her permission to smoke. Though it is perfectly 
true that the Prince of Wales has been seen driving in 
Hyde Park with a lady by his side, and a cigar in his 
mouth, there is no reason at all for the well-bred 
American man to follow his example. 

If it is reprehensible to smoke when driving with a 
woman, it is equally under-bred under these circum- 
stances for a driver, however capable his horses may 
be, to force them to their highest speed and to race 
them against those of some other driver; also to 
fail to lift his hat when his companion bows. Should 
his hands be too full to permit the lifting of his hat, 
it is enough for him to touch its brim with the stock 
of his whip. This is accepted always in lieu of the 
more ceremonious salute ; and not only when passing 
friends of his own or of his companion's on the high 
way must the hat be touched, but also when right of 
way is accorded him by any one driving ahead on the 
same turnpike. 

On a Coach 

THE host, if he is also the whip, on the occasion 
of a party occupying a coach or brake gives 
the chaperon the seat on the box at his left, unless 
there is some young lady whom he wishes to honor. 
The lady chosen for this place he personally assists 
when she mounts. It is the custom to seat the occu- 
pants of a high-swung drag as at a dinner party; 
that is, a woman between two men; and the members 
of the party climb to their seats in the order in which 

Seventeen] ^POlTt 3^' 

they are placed, since it would be awkward to attempt 
to always give ladies the precedence. Competent 
footmen are the essential crew of a coach, and they 
give special help to the ladies as they may require it in 
gaining their places, directed and assisted by the host 
and driver, who is the last of the party to swing up to 
his seat. 

The gentleman who tools the coach is the first per- 
son to dismount after the vehicle has halted and the 
grooms are on guard at the horses' heads ; and then 
the other members of the party descend in the order 
in which they are seated. Down the ladder, which is 
made fast to the side of the coach, descent must be 
made crab-wise, and a couple of gentlemen always 
stand on guard when a woman is on the steps, in order 
to reassure her and to give her immediate assistance 
should her foot slip. 

Dress When Driving 

FOR a matron or a debutante asked to drive on a 
coach during a park parade, on the high seat of 
a Whitechapel cart behind horses harnessed tandem, 
or in a runabout, either a fluffy muslin and flowery 
bonnet, or a tailor-made suit with plain walking hat, is 
the suitable costume. Men are m nearly as happy 
circumstance, for there is no severe regulation to be 
followed in the choice of their driving-dress. The 
whip on the box seat of a coach is usually arrayed, it is 
true, in a gray high hat and a suit of gray goods ; 
frock coat, trousers and waistcoat cut from one piece, 
with a white silk tie, white linen, and heavy gray driv- 
ing-gloves. This, in early spring or in the autumn, if 
the day is cool, is covered by a gray or tan-colored 

362 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter 

box-shaped top coat. In England, whence come our 
coaching fashions, such would be the proper dress for 
the gentleman whip in the Park, on race days, when 
driving to a country club, or simply on pleasure bent 
without fixed destination. In America, we follow this 
same fashion for our coaching parades and for all 
coaching functions, in the cool spring and autumn 
weather. But what the English climate permits all the 
year round becomes a burden in our fierce summer 
heat, and here the gentleman coachman drives his 
coach, drag or high wagon very often through June, 
July, August and September, in a suit of light gray or 
snufF-colored goods, the trousers and body coat and 
high-buttoned waistcoat cut from one piece, or the coat 
and trousers of light-weight wool, and the waistcoat of 
fancy linen or brown nankeen. Brown or black leather 
laced shoes, brown or gray gloves and a soft brown or 
gray felt hat, or a white panama, complete the costume 

In the country, in mid-summer, a gentleman when 
driving usually wears a straw sailor hat or panama, 
white linen or light-colored striped flannel trousers, 
with a dark serge or flannel sacque coat, brown shoes 
and brown gloves. The livery that should be worn 
by a gentleman's grooms, and their duties, are fully set 
forth in the chapter on Servants. 

Driving Etiquette for Women 

IT is no uncommon thing, in this muscular age, for 
a woman cleverly to play the whip on the box- 
seat of a spider phaeton or a coach ; and in this case 
what has been offered as etiquette for a man is, with a 
few necessary variations, the rule for the conduct of a 

Seventeen] ^POtt 3^3 

lady. If she has invited a man friend or relative to be 
her companion in a Stanhope or phaeton, she does not 
call for him at his home or club, but can expect that 
he will wait upon her at her own door, aid her in 
mounting, and then find his own seat. He descends 
first from his place when a halt is made ; and it is 
under his care and help exclusively that the lady 
mounts, even when a groom is in attendance. 


WHEN a gentleman rides with a woman, he 
invariably offers to assist her in mounting and 
dismounting, even though a groom accompanies them. 
For the first, he stands beside the lady's horse and, 
gathering up the reins, puts them in her hand ; then 
stooping a little, he offers his right hand as a step on 
which to place her foot, and as she springs he gives 
her an impetus upward by quickly and steadily raising 
his hand, until she has found her seat in the saddle. 
As she settles herself, he sees that her foot is properly 
placed in the stirrup and her skirt adjusted, and gives 
an eye to her saddle girths. Not until she is fully 
mounted and starting on her way does he rise to his 
own saddle. He takes care as he follows her to keep 
always to her right. 

It is the woman's prerogative to set the pace ; and 
the gentleman beside her lifts his hat when she bows ; 
gallops, trots or walks his horse in time with hers ; 
goes ahead to open gates for her, and when she is 
ready to dismount, again gives his aid. For this last 
service, he leaves • his own horse, comes to the lady's 
left side, draws her foot from the stirrup, and then 
stands so that she can place one hand on his shoul- 

364 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

der and the other in his risht hand, thus easing her 
descent to the ground. While a strong and skilful 
man can fairly lift a woman from the saddle to the 
ground, the dismounting is accomplished most com- 
fortably for the lady if she brings her horse up along- 
side a railless balcony, or some other convenient plat- 
form, and the man, after extricating her foot from the 
stirrup, holds her horse's head and allows her to effect 
the short descent by herself. 

At a meet of fox hounds, the gentlemen who ride 
restive hunters show consideration by maintaining a 
good distance between their too active mounts and 
any nervous horses harnessed to the carriages holding 
ladies who have come to see the ** throw off." 

If a huntsman follows the hounds with a woman 
under his care, unless she is a very fearless and accom- 
plished rider he must be willing to sacrifice a great 
deal of sport for her sake. His heed must be to ride 
beside or, better, slightly ahead of her, taking the 
easiest, though perhaps not always the directest way, 
and hastening on to open gates or lower fences a bit, if 
she is not able to lift her norse over every hazard in 
the course. 

Riding Dress for Men 

THE proper costume for a horseman who rides 
in a city park is well defined, even in details, 
though not infrequently elderly men prefer garments 
somewhat less pronounced in cut and finish than 
those adopted by younger men. Full riding-breeches, 
fitting the leg closely at the knee, heavy box-cloth or 
leather leggings, fastening up the front of the leg 
from the ankle and reaching well to the cuff of the 

Seventeen] ^POlTt 3^5 

breeches, a high-buttoned waistcoat, coat with rather 
short cutaway tails, a derby or alpine hat, a stock de of 
pique, and heavy brown laced shoes and riding gloves, 
are what a young man dons for strict propriety. The 
breeches, waistcoat, and coat may be all of one color — 
gray or dark brown tweed or khaki serge ; or the 
trousers and waistcoat may be gray, and the coat of 
another goods, in black or dark blue. A complete suit 
of khaki serge, the coat a short Norfolk jacket, worn 
with boots of brown leather, in place of leggings, and 
a white Panama hat, is a modish dress for summer 
riding in the country. A riding crop with a bone 
handle is carried in lieu of a short cane or riding- 
whip, and in the rainy seasons a long box-shape brown 
or gray mackintosh coat does good service for protec- 
tion against the weather. 

Elderly men, in this country as in France, abjure 
as a rule the full riding-breeches, wearing instead trou- 
sers of the orthodox cut, without leggings or boots, but 
with a strap under each foot to prevent wrinkles and an 
untidy appearance about the shoe. This garment is 
— for park riding — most frequently of gray goods. 
The high-buttoned waistcoat and coat are often black, 
the necktie white, the shoes black, and the gloves gray. 
An elderly man appears to better effect on horseback 
wearing a high black silk hat, after the English and 
French mode, though there is no objection to be 
urged to a brown or black derby. 

In the field, a man may wear, if he chooses, his 
ordinary riding-dress, though the sport of following 
hounds, which we have adopted from England, has 
brought with it its own picturesque dress, which, for a 
man who hunts only occasionally and somewhat fears 

366 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

the conspicuousness of a pink coat, would be a black 
coat, white riding-breeches, and a tall black silk hat. 
Boots of patent leather with white or colored tops, in 
place of leggings, are usual with the hunting-dress ; the 
necktie is usually a stock folding broadly and the gloves 
are of heavy dogskin. The hunting-crop carried 
when following the hounds differs from the ordinary 
riding-crop in that it has a long stout lash of braided 

A huntsman who rides to hounds regularly and 
faithfully, adopts in all propriety, and with distinct 
advantage to his appearance in the field, white leather 
or wash-goods breeches, black varnished leather boots, 
a double-breasted short-waisted tail coat of green or 
pink Melton, a top hat, white waistcoat, white necktie 
and gray gloves. Though the hunting-coat is sometimes 
cut on the lines of the evening dress-coat and buttoned 
double-breasted in front, it is as often shaped on the 
pattern of the ordinary riding-coat; that is to say, 
single-breasted in front, with the rounding skirts set on 
with a seam at the hips and ornamented with square 
pocket flaps. 

Riding Dress for Women 

THE dress for a woman who rides in a park is as 
definitely prescribed as for a man. Her habit 
of black, dark blue, bottle-green, or gray Oxford mix- 
ture, is made with a skirt that falls just a trifle over 
her feet when she sits in her saddle ; and with a close- 
fitting waist of goods that matches the skirt, cut with 
short or long tails, as one may prefer, but buttoning 
very high, and opening with small revers under the 
chin, to reveal a straight white linen collar and black 

Seventeen] ^POrt 3^7 

satin or white silk tie. In place of the collar and tie, 
for comfort's sake and with an equal effect of tidy 
smartness, a stock tie of white pique is worn. The 
hair is dressed low, and a small derby hat has rather 
usurped the place once held by the black silk 
" topper.'* High laced shoes, or patent or soft-fin- 
ished leather boots, should cover the feet ; heavy 
brown or gray gloves dress the hands, and a bone- 
handled crop is carried in place of a whip. 

In summer in the country, if the weather is warm, 
a straw sailor-hat replaces the heavy felt derby, a shirt- 
waist the close-fitting cloth bodice, and a serge or light 
covert skirt the heavy wool or broadcloth garment. 
Any jewels, save cufF-links and a necktie pin, are quite 
out of keeping with the severely simple modern riding- 
dress. The horsewoman who follows the hounds 
dresses as she would for a canter through the park, 
and in foul weather an easy box-shaped mackintosh 
coat serves as her special protection, its lines and 
finishings modeled closely on the rain-coat as described 
for horsemen. 


NEARLY all the courteous habits practiced by 
the rider, driver and pedestrian have been 
adopted by the cyclists ; and manly consideration for 
womanly timidity and inferiority of strength is the 
first rule of good manners where men and women 
wheel together. On a rough bit of highway, the man 
rides ahead, to choose and lead over the least diflicult 
track. He permits the lady to set the pace, increasing 
or retarding his progress to suit her strength. Where 
the road is broad, he yields to her the shadiest and 

368 Rncyclopcadia of Ktiquette [Chapter 

smoothest side ; and up the long hills he pushes her 
wheel with his stronger hand. Cattle herded and 
loitering in country paths are a frequent menace to the 
wheelwoman's peace of mind, and a squire of dames 
should, when confronted by such an obstruction, ad- 
vance and disperse the animals, or ride between them 
and the lady or ladies in his charge. On a narrow 
path that is good, but unfamiliar, the man again takes 
the lead, in order to be the first to meet any difficul- 
ties that may present themselves and as far as possible 
help his companion to avoid them. Otherwise, the 
lady takes the lead, just as she is the first to mount 
when they set off together. 

Bicycling Dress for Men 

THE accepted dress for the wheelman to-day is, in 
cool spring and autumn weather, a complete suit 
—coat, waistcoat, and knickerbockers — of serviceable 

frray or brown tweed, the coat cut very like an Eng- 
ish peajacket, or what we prefer in America to call a 
" lounging coat." The waistcoat is high-buttoned ; 
and the finish at the throat is a high roll-over linen 
collar and necktie of dull red or blue lustreless silk, 
with the alternative of a linen or pique stock tie. 
Colored linen seems more in keeping with the rough- 
and-ready cycling suit than white. Happily, the day 
has passed for the Scotch hose of vivid and eccentric- 
ally mixed colors and they are no longer admired and 
worn. Gray golf stockings, tastefully variegated with 
touches of black, white and sober blue, or brown hose 
with very fine crisscrossing lines in yellow and red, 
now predominate. High or half-high laced shoes of 
black or brown leather dress the feet in good taste — 

Seventeen] ^POtt 3^9 

that is, in harmony with the conservative prejudices in 
dress so typical of the modern American man. Heavy 
gray or brown gloves and a small peaked cap made of 
the same goods as the suit, complete the costume. 
But as this is too heavy an attire for mid-summer 
weather, it gives place, in June, July, August, and 
September, to a suit of Russian crash, heavy brown 
linen, khaki serge, or light-weight flannel. The crash 
and linen suits are made in three pieces ; but the serge 
and flannel are too warm for the waistcoat to be neces- 
sary. Then the shirt is a soft-bosomed percale, 
Madras, or cotton cheviot garment, worn with a neck- 
tie of the same material. A black or brown leather 
belt is worn, and a tweed cap, a Panama or round-straw 
sailor hat is the most comfortable head covering. 


A GOLFER may be too unambitious to learn to 
play accurately, too indolent or uninterested to 
master the rules of the game, yet the etiquette of the 
links cannot be forgotten or ignored, and the man or 
woman who, through ignorance or selfishness, fails in 
courtesy on putting or fair green is sure to be as swiftly 
condemned as one who makes a faux pas in a lady's 
drawing-room. It is no disgrace for a beginner to make 
short strokes and many of them or to use the wrong 
club at the wrong time, but it is considered as unpar- 
donable a sin to speak or move when watching a fellow- 
player make a drive, as it is to attempt to play through 
the game of persons who are ahead on the links. In 
teeing-ofF care must be taken that one's immediate 
predecessors from the tee are at least two good shots in 
advance ; otherwise there is too great danger of injuries 

370 Rncyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter 

resulting, as well as confusion arising, from balls reck- 
lessly driven among near-by players. 

Golfers not playing together give each other a wide 
berth on the course, and an approach shot must never 
be made on the putting green until that space of green 
sward is quite clear. Putting is a delicate operation, 
on which success in the game often hangs, and the 
player, bending with intense concentration of mind, 
eyes, and muscle upon his ball, justifiably feels discon- 
certed and angered at the sound or sight of stray balls 
falling near. When by an error one plays on to a 
green not cleared, one should go forward at once and 
apologize for the intrusion. 

It is not unusual for rapid and skilful players to 
find their progress over the links greatly retarded by 
the slow and inaccurate. In such circumstances, the 
former have a right to ask permission to play through 
and ahead of the others, who, unless they are ig- 
norant of golfing etiquette and most unfair-minded 
as well, will gracefully accord this privilege, and rest 
their game a moment while the more expert players 
hasten on. It would be, in this event, even more 
polite and considerate for the slower players to volun- 
teer this privilege, one of them perhaps saying : / see 
you are getting on very fast. Will you not flay right 
through^ we are in no haste. With cordial thanks, the 
others should respond, saying : Thank you ; that is 
very kindy and immediately take advantage of the 

When a man and woman play together, if no 
caddy can be secured, the man carries his companion's 
bag of clubs, gives her her irons and driver as she needs 
them, aids in looking for her ball when it flies far from 

Seventeen] ^POt^t 3 7 * 

the course, and forms her tees and washes her balls for 

Golfing Dress for Men 

MANY men elect to wear on the golf links just 
such a costume as has been described for a 
bicyclist. In summer, a lounging-coat and long 
trousers of light flannel or white serge, with a soft- 
bosomed negligee shirt, are much cooler and in quite as 
good style; or with gray tweed knickerbockers and 
waistcoat, a short coat of golfing pink or golfing green 
goods is worn, decorated with polished gilt buttons 
showing the wearer's initials or some club device. 

Golfing Dress for Women 

A WOMAN'S dress is invariably a severely plain 
wool, duck, OP brown linen skirt falling to her 
instep ; a shirt waist, of percale or flannel ; a simple 
leather or dark ribbon belt ; broad-soled, laced shoes 
of brown or black leather, and a straw or felt hat, with 
brim jutting over her face, trimmed sparingly with 
a scarf or ribbon. In cool weather a short coat of 
the same goods as the skirt is de rigueur ; but many 
young ladies elect to wear jackets of golfing pink or 
green broadcloth, trimmed with gilt buttons. 


3ln public 

Walking Arm in Arm 

A LADY, unless she is infirm or elderly, docs 
not lean upon the arm of a masculine es- 
cort when walking on the street by day. 
After nightfall, she may very properly 
accept this support. In doing so she 
places her hand, usually the left one, just in the angle 
of his elbow ; she does not hook her arm through his, 
as is too often the ungraceful habit. When two women 
are escorted by one man at night, only one of them 
takes his arm ; and the women walk side by side, not 
with their escort between them. 

At night, a gentleman invariably offers his arm 
when he sets out to escort a lady. When escorting 
more than one at the same time, he does not offer to 
support one on either arm, but gives his arm to one 
only, the elder. At all times he walks on that side of 
a woman companion on which he can afford her the 
greatest protection from dangers or obstacles. Thus 
he may give her the right or left arm indifferently. 
No habit is in worse taste than that of too many well- 
meaning men, of grasping a woman by the elbow to 

3fn Ij^nWt 


guide her awkwardly over every crossing and puddle ; 
but quite as bad as this is the practice of reversing the 
proper order, and the man's thrusting his hand through 
the woman's arm. 


IT is the woman's privilege to bow first when meet- 
ing men acquaintances. In doing this, she bends 
her head slightly, looks directly at the person recog- 
nized, according him, at the same time, a slight smile 
or an amiable glance. However exalted her social posi- 
tion may be, a well-bred woman never fails to recog- 
nize, in all public places, by an amiable glance and 
bow, either those who serve her in any capacity or to 
whom she stands in the light of a patron. Young 
unmarried women usually wait to be recognized first 
by married women ; but where there is no question of 
difference in age or social position to be considered, 
who shall bow first is a point of no importance. It is 
true that where a woman has been taken to call at a 
house, or has been invited to a house through the good 
oflices of a friend of the hostess, she should, on next 
meeting the lady of the house, wait a little to receive a 
bow before offering one. A young lady takes the 
initiative when she meets in the street a gentleman with 
whom she may have gone in to dinner or with whom 
she may have danced several times at a ball. She al- 
ways bows to him, though no further acquaintance may 
ever after exist between them. 

Too many women have the mistaken impression 
that manifestly to refuse all recognition is the proper 
method by which to end an undesirable acquaintance or 
to administer a rebuke for discourteous treatment re- 

374 iincyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

ceived. It is perfectly easy, when desired, to acknow- 
ledge a salutation with such dignity and brevity of 
glance as plainly to indicate that one's wish is to hold the 
person from whom the salutation is received to the 
merest bowing acquaintance ; and when the desire is to 
close an acquaintance entirely, one need only look 
away as the undesirable person approaches and keep the 
eyes persistently, but not ostentatiously, averted or 
downcast until he is by. This is in most cases quite 
as effective and in every way much better than to give 
an insolent and deliberate stare in answer to a bow and 

When meeting the same person several times in 
the day it is not necessary to bow elaborately at every 
encounter ; a very slight smile or glance of recognition 
is enough. 

In Case of Accident 

IT is not permitted, however rainy the day may be and 
however fine and fresh her unprotected bonnet, for 
a woman to accept the shelter of an umbrella offered by 
a man who is a stranger to her. But when a woman 
is rescued from some peril by a man whom she does 
not know, it is right for her to follow the natural ex- 
pression of her thanks by asking. May I know to whom 
I am indebted for such valuable assistance ? If her 
rescuer is a self-respecting workingman, she may gently 
insist on having his name and address, with the idea of 
bestowing on him a substantial proof of her gratitude. 
If he is apparently a man of some social consequence 
or standing, she may wait until later and then, having 
in some way learned his name and address, she should 
send some man of her family — her brother, husband, 

Eighteen] ^Xi Ij^XMlt 375 

son, or father — to call on him and give renewed ex- 
pression of her obligation. Thijs course, however, is 
only pursued where the service rendered is consider- 
able. If in brushing accidentally against a person, 
parcels or the like are stricken from his hands, it is 
imperative to aid in restoring them, and to say, / Ifeg 
your pardon ; I am very sorry. 

In the Street Car 

WHEN serving as a woman's escort, a man should 
pay all the fares and fees for her comfort and 
transportation. But under no other circumstances is it 
requisite to do so ; as, for example, when meeting a 
woman friend in the street and entering a car or 'bus with 
her. Always when boarding street car or 'bus in com- 
pany with a woman, the man permits her to precede 
him, assisting her up by a gentle touch on her elbow ; 
and if she secures the last vacant seat, he stands before 
her or as near her as possible. Should any one move 
up to make a seat for her, he lifts his hat in recognition 
of the kindness. In leaving the car or 'bus he goes 
out first, offering his companion his assistance in 

There is no rule or formal etiquette compelling a 
man to resign his seat to a woman in a public convey- 
ance unless she is elderly, lame, has a child in her arms, 
or appears overburciened with parcels. But polite and 
kindly men must be under a very complete exhaustion 
or disablement themselves to continue to sit while a 
woman stands. When a man wishes to yield his seat 
in a public conveyance to a woman, he rises, and by a 
glance or a touch on her arm indicates his intention, 
lifting his hat at the same time and moving off to a 

376 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

little distance. This delicately signifies that he wishes 
to take no advantage of the slii^ht obligation she is 
under, and sad it is to relate that rar more often a weary, 
shabby workingman feels it necessary to offer this 
charming homage to the sex than does his sleek, pros- 
perous, well-dressed brother. 

When the Hat is Lifted 

BY a man acknowledging a woman's bow, the hat 
must be lifted and tne head slightly inclined. 
Profound and elaborate bows, accompanied by broad 
smiles or any gesture, are to be avoided. Under no 
circumstances can a gentleman refuse to return a 
woman's bow. Having the initiative in this matter, 
she may bow or not as she pleases, but once clearly 
refused a salutation by a woman acquaintance, the man 
so treated should thereafter, by refusing to look her 
way, deprive her of an opportunity for a repetition of 
the discourtesy. 

A man lifts his hat as well as bows in recognizing 
clergymen or distinguished or elderly gentlemen of his 
acquaintance. To men of his own age and position he 
offers but a nod, a slight smile, or a wave of the hand, 
unless he is accompanied by a lady, when, whether 
she is or is not known to his friends, he raises his hat. 
When walking with a woman and she salutes friends 
or acquaintances, he also raises his hat, whether the 
persons to whom she bows are known to him or not ; 
the raising of the hat is not accompanied by a bow when 
he does not know them. When passing a masculine 
acquaintance of his own age and social position who is 
accompanied by a woman, a man lifts his hat, even 
though he does not know the lady. According to the 

Eighteen] jfjl Ij^UWt 377 

recent practice, a man never permits himself to talk 
to a woman with his head covered; but the more 
rational rule now is to lift the hat when approaching 
to talk to a woman out-of-doors, slowly replace it and 
then lift it again as one withdraws. A man lifts his 
hat when offering a woman his seat in a public con- 
veyance, as already noted ; when drawing to one side 
in a narrow way to allow her free passage; when giving 
any information she may ask; when restoring anything 
fallen from her hands, or when doing her some slight 
service. He also lifts it when a woman under nis 
escort receives some courtesy from a stranger. 

Conversations in the Street 

WHEN a man meets a feminine acquaintance in 
the street and is desirous of speaking with 
her, he lifts his hat and, coming to her side, walks be- 
side her. If he meets a woman friend walking 
alone, or accompanied by a woman to whom he is at 
once introduced or whom he already knows, he is 
privileged to ask permission to accompany the lady to 
her destination. Should she enter a shop or a church, 
he holds the door open for her and lifts his hat as she 
passes in, but he may not follow, except at her invita- 
tion or when that is his destination also. When a man 
and woman meet in the street, the woman may prefer to 
stand to listen to what her acquaintance has to say and 
may even prolong the conversation ; a man, however, 
even when meeting his mother or sister, should not as- 
sume this privilege, but leave the woman to take the 
initiative. A man has no right to join a feminine friend 
on the street if she is accompanied by a gentleman 
whom he does not know. Friends who meet in the 

378 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

street and halt for conversation should not stand in 
the centre of the paved way, but should draw well to 
one side. 

Handing a Woman To and From a 


THERE are few men to-day who hand a lady from 
a trap or carriage with the strong support and 
the sure, exact, and easy guidance that are necessary to 
anything like perfection in such service. It is only just 
to say, however, that if the well-meaning man, with all 
his strength and desire to do his duty, does usually 
stand too far from or too close to the wheels, ignorant 
and undecided as to where and how to lay hold of the 
lady in order to soften to her foot the first impact 
with mother earth, the lady herself is apt to be awk- 
ward in receiving and profiting by his well-meant 
though none too skilful assistance. Her care, when 
she makes ready to step down, should be to put one 
hand (whether the left or right depends upon which 
side of the vehicle her exit is made from) in the hand 
of the gentleman who aids her ; and, if there are two 
steps to the vehicle, her right foot should be placed on 
the first one, her left on the second, and then she can 
step or spring oflF lightly to the ground clear of the 
wheels. All the while her hand should grasp confi- 
dently that of the gentleman who supports her. If the 
vehicle has but one step, her left foot is placed upon 
it, and throwing her weight on the right, she springs 
down. Meanwhile, mindful of his duty to serve ably, 
her cavalier stands near the front wheel, but well out- 
side it, leaving ample space for her descent between 

Eighteen] ^Xi Ij^lVC 379 

the front and rear wheels. Extending his right hand, 
the muscles of his arm stiffened to meet and support 
her weight, he takes her fingers with a firm grasp 
and lowers his elbow gradually as she comes down, 
while with his left hand he guards her gown from 
contact with the wheel. 

Driving in a Closed Carriage 

THERE is not the need of such direct assistance 
when a lady is handed to and from a low- 
swung Victoria, closed coach, hansom, or brougham. 
So conveniently are these vehicles adjusted, with their 
easy steps and broad doorways, that having opened 
the door of a brougham or coach, the attendant merely 
stands, his hand upon the lock, while the lady enters 
and seats herself In case of a Victoria or hansom, he 
may stand beside the front wheel of the former, or near 
the dashboard of the latter, and offer his right hand to 
his companion as she steps up and in. Should it be 
raining, the umbrella is held in his left hand as he 
serves her; and if he is not to accompany her, he 
takes her orders, closes the door, lifts his hat, repeats 
her directions to the coachman, and again lifts his hat as 
she drives away. 

If he drives with her and the vehicle is a brougham, 
closed coach or hansom, he waits to give her orders to 
the coachman before he enters the vehicle and closes 
the door. When the carriage has double seats, he 
takes his place with his back to the horses, and does 
not change unless requested by the lady to do so. 
Courtesy exacts, when the vehicle stops to take up an- 
other lady, that the gentleman descend to admit her en- 
trance, holding the door open for her. If it halts, in 

380 Encyclopitdia of Etiquette 

order that the lady within may speak to a lady outside, 
the gendeman again descends, and stands by the open 
door while the ladies talk. On arriving at their desti- 
nation, he steps from the carriage first, holds the door 
open for the lady, gives the orders to the coachman, 
carries up the parcels and rings the door-bell. 

On entering a carriage that has but one step, it really 
makes not the least difierence with which foot one be- 
gins to mount. A litde question is apt to arise in a 
woman's mind as to which foot goes first, however, 
when the vehicle is high-swung with two steps. Her 
right foot should be placed on the first step, and 
tnfling as this detail may seem she will, if it is heeded, 
find herself entering an awkwardly lofty trap with as- 
surance and ease. When two women drive in a closed 
carriage together the hostess gives precedence to the 
guest, unless the latter is distinctly the younger of the 
two. In a double carriage younger women instinctively 
give their elders the seat of honor facing the horses. 




LAIN white or gray unruled sheets folding 
once into their envelopes, and black ink, 
are the approved materials for social cor- 
respondence. There is no objection to be 
urged against the varieties of pretty sta- 
tionery now manufactured in soft tones of blue, gray, 
green and buff, and in assorted sizes of sheet and en- 
velope ; but it is in very bad taste to use paper of a 
staring indigo, red, yellow or lilac hue, with a highly 
glazed finish and edging, folded into envelopes of out- 
landish shapes, and written upon with purple, blue or 
white ink. 

Preferably a lady's stationery is never perfumed ; 
but if any fragrance is desired it should be ot a delicate, 
almost elusive quality. Dignified middle-aged or 
elderly ladies most appropriately use in their corre- 
spondence Irish linen or bank-note paper in white, 
gray or gray-blue. 

If it IS ill advised for a woman to use a pronounced 
style of stationery, for men anything but the most 
plain and simple is quite inexcusable. White, gray or 

382 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

gray-blue bank-note, linen, or cream-laid papers, all 
severely plain, are the only varieties permitted a man 
in his social correspondence. The sheets must not be 
ruled, and should fold once into their envelopes. In 
a man's stationery perfume is wholly discountenanced. 
Whatever his business stationery may be, every man 
can afford to keep by him a certain amount of good 
white paper for all his social correspondence, since it is 
not permissible for him to use his office paper in an- 
swermg a woman's notes or invitations. At clubs, a 
plain paper, simply stamped with the name of the 
organization, is usually provided, and this can be 
properly used by the members in replying to all friendly 

Crests, Monograms and Addresses 

THESE may be appropriately engraved, stamped, 
or embossed on the stationery of both men and 
women. The American man rarely permits anything 
but his address in simple Gothic or Roman lettering, 
thus : 

X42 <Pa^t ^Hirttttntb ;|>treet -^ 142 EAST 18th STREET 
Iflew ISorfc ^^ NEW YORK 

to appear on his note sheets; and the stamping is 
done m black on white or gray paper, and in dark blue 
on blue-gray sheets. There is no objection to be 
urged against a monogram or crest, but if either is em- 
ployed It should be no more conspicuous in color than 
an address following one or other of the styles just 

Heraldic devices and entwined initials are more 
popular with women than with men ; but it is neces- 

Nineteen] Cotrefipotitience 383 

sary to caution against the use of parti-colored crests, 
gorgeous golden monograms, etc. A crest or a mono- 
gram nowadays occupies no more space than a silver 
dime will cover, and is placed in the centre at the top 
of the page, when no address is given, and should be 
left off entirely when the address is used. A crest 
is usually stamped in gilt, silver, black, white, or 
dark green. But the most fashionable stationery 
shows only the owner's house and street number, in 
Gothic or Roman lettering, or the name of the country 
home, in the upper centre of note and letter sheets. 
The conventional stamping is always preferable to any 
indulgence in individual eccentricities, such as some- 
times appear on paper and correspondence cards, in the 
form of gold or silver chirography, purporting to be 
that of the sender of the card or note. Very rarely a 
monogram, crest, or address is printed also on the flap 
of the envelope, as well as on the paper. If sealing 
wax is used at all, a dull soft color should be chosen. 

Mourning Stationery 

FORMERLY a most elaborate etiquette regulated 
the width of the black border requisite on the 
letter-paper used respectively by a widow, an orphan, a 
bereaved parent, sister, grandparent, uncle, or aunt, 
each beginning with a black band of a certain depth, 
to be gradually diminished as time wore away the 
sharp edge of grief. These false prescriptions have 
now given way before the dictates of natural dignity 
and common sense, and the widow whose note-paper 
bears an inch wide edging of black is rather condemned 
for vulgar parade of her affliction than extolled for any 
depth of feeling. A black border matching in width 

384 Rncyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

that used on her cards is appropriate for the period of 
mourning, and the black-edged paper is used just as 
long as widow's weeds are worn. 

A widower graduates the black border of his paper 
by the same rule as a widow. Bereaved parents, chil- 
dren, sisters and brothers, do not graduate the mourn- 
ing edge on their paper, but adhere to one width 
throughout the period of mourning. What the width 
of the black edge should be in these various cases is 
fully set forth in the chapter on Cards, page 55. Any 
stamping of address, monogram or crest on mourning 
paper, as well as the sealing wax used, should be black. 

Use of Postal Cards 

A WORD of caution is especially called for re- 
garding the use of the postal card. Socially, 
this convenient means of sending a word by post is 
only to be employed for rather impersonal communica- 
tions, such as announcing the meetings of a committee 
or society, or forwarding an address. When peculiar 
circumstances leave no alternative but the postal card, 
let the message be stated upon it very briefly, with an 
apologetic word for its use; and the communication it 

bears must not begin My Dear or conclude in 

terms of affection. The signature should be simply 
the initials of the Christian name and the full surname. 

Use of the Third Person 

THIS was once the approved fashion of address 
in all extremely formal correspondence, as be- 
tween patrons and tradesmen, mistresses and servants, 
equals who were strangers and very often equals who 
were at enmity. In a varied correspondence a letter 

Nineteen] Cottesipontience 385 

in the stiffly starched, colorless terms ot the third per- 
son will rarely occur, for in this less stately or perhaps 
more good-natured modern society of ours notes be- 
ginning : Mrs. Theodore Brown presents her compliments^ 
and begs to askj etc., are regarded as rather formidable, 
unamiable and unsatisfactory terms of communication. 
Mrs. Theodore Brown, in writing to a stranger who is 
her equal, to ask her to join a committee or to certify 
to a reference the stranger has given a servant whom 
Mrs. Brown purposes to employ, begins her note : 
Dear Madam, When she writes to a tradesman with 
whom she has had pleasant dealing she greets him as My 
dear Mr. T'hompson. In fact, she would cast her mis- 
sive in the third person only when writing to a strange 
servant or workman or when addressing a business 
firm, in which cases she would write somewhat in this 

Mrs. Theodore Brown wishes to inform Messrs. 
Fletcher y Johnston 6? Co. that the carriage sold by them^ 
etc., etc. 

How to Begin a Note or Letter 

IN England the custom is to begin a note to an ac- 
quaintance with the form Dear Mr. \or Mr s^ 
Jones y using the pronoun my only when Mr. [or Mrs.J 
Jones is a friend between whom and the writer a cer- 
tain degree of intimacy exists. In America, the very 
opposite course is followed. My dear Mr. Jones is 
regarded as the more formal opening. There are 
good reasons to be offered for either practice ; but in 
America it is certainly better to follow the approved 
American usage, and let the pronoun appear only in 
the more ceremonious greeting. By many punctilious 

386 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chaptw 

men it is considered presumptuous to address a lady as 
Dear Mrs. Blank until she has first dropped the formal 
my with them ; or as My dear Miss Brown, when her 
communications have invariably opened with the busi- 
ness-like Dear Sir. It is quite unallowable to begin a 
letter Dear Miss, entirely omitting the name. Madam 
or Dear Madam is the proper address when writing to 
either a married or unmarried woman who is a stranger, 
or with whom the writer enjoys only the most formal 

How to Conclude a Letter 

Ty ELIEVE me sincerely [or cordially or faithfully^ 
MM yours; with kind regards , sincerely yours; or 
/ remain^ dear Mrs. Blank, with kind regards, are all 
approved forms for the conclusion of friendly notes 
and letters. Very truly yours or yours truly indicates a 
certain formality, since it is the conventional expres- 
sion with which business communications are closed. 
Affectionately [or devotedly or fondly] yours is an endear- 
ing subscription proper only between relatives or intim- 
ate friends. 

Initials, the surnames or given names alone, or 
diminutives, are not in good taste when signing notes 
and letters. A married woman should sign herself 
Mary Blank, not Mrs. John Blank, in social corre- 
spondence. In concluding a business communication, 
if she had doubts whether the person to whom she is 
writing knows her married title, she writes it in 
brackets beneath her name, thus : 

Mary Blank 
[Mrs. John B. Blank] 

Nineteen] COtttfilpOtltietlCe 387 

An unmarried woman signs her notes Eleanor Blanks 
unless a business matter is the subject of her correspon- 
dence, and she fears that she may be mistaken tor a 
widow ; then she precedes her name by the word 
Miss in brackets. 

A man writing very formally and on a matter of 
business, to a woman whom he knows slightly, should 
conclude, / am, my dear madams your obedient servant y 
or respectfully y or yours truly. Writing formally, but 
not on business affairs, as in a letter of condolence, etc., 
the best phrase is, / beg to remain yours to commandy 
and then the signature. It is very desirable for a man 
to avoid adopting a signature like these : 7*. Bartlett 
WilliamSy J. Ferrers Thompson. The middle name it 
is best simply to indicate with the initial, and then 
write the first name and last name in full; as thus, 
James F. Thompson. 

How to Address the Envelope 

IT is the approved custom in England to address a 
letter to a gentleman as follows : John R. Simp- 
Sony Esq.; to a tradesman the name is preceded by the 
title Mr.; to a servant it would be written John Simp- 
son. Americans use Mr. or Esq. without reference to 
the English distinction. A well-bred person would 
not, however, ignore all ruling on this point and ad- 
dress a dinner invitation, for example, to John J. Jones. 
It is a mistake to address a man in this form: John P. 
JoneSy Esq.y Jr. John P. JoneSy Jr.y is the form to use. 
A woman's name is invariably preceded by the title 
Mrs. or Miss. An address should never be in this form : 
Mrs. Captain Laney Mrs. Judge Whitey Mrs. Doctor 
Burns. In America a woman does not assume her hus- 

388 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

band's honorary title, and the wife of the President even 
\sMrs. William McKinley. In writing to a practicing 
woman physician, the address, when the communication 
is professional, should be in this form : Dr. Eleanor T. 
Blank. For a social communication it should be in this 
form : Miss Eleanor 3". Blanks or Mrs. John P. Blank. 
The address upon a servant's letter follows these 
forms : John Hicks^ Bridget Lynch. When a woman 
servant is married and has been long employed in the 
same family, it is usual for members of the family to 
address her as Mrs. 

When Writing to Persons of Title 

TO THE President of the United States, an 
official letter commences. Sir. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your most 
obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mr. 

Conclusion : I have the honor to remain most respect- 
fully [or sincerely"] yours. 

Inscription on envelope : President William Mc- 

To THE Vice-President, an official letter com- 
mences. Sir, or Dear Sir. 

Conclusion : / have^ Sir^ the honor to remain your 
most obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Mr. 
B . 

Conclusion : as given for a president. 

Inscription on envelope : The Vice-President^ J'bo- 
mas R. Blank. 



Nineteen] COtttSpOtltlttlCe 389 

To A Justice of the Supreme Court, an official 
letter commences and concludes as in the case of a 
vice-president. • 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Mr. 
Justice Brown, or Dear Justice Brown. 

Conclusion : Believe me, truly [or most sincerely^ 
yours, etc. 

Inscription on envelope: Mr. Justice John F. Brown. 

To A Senator, an official letter commences and 
concludes as to a vice-president. 

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Sena- 
tor Matthews. 

Conclusion : as to a justice. 

Inscription on envelope : Senator Henry L. Mat- 
thews or Uo the Hon. Henry L. Matthews. 

To A Member of the House of Representa- 
tives, an official letter commences as to a senator. 

Conclusion : as in the case of a vice-president 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mr. 

Conclusion : as to a justice. 

Inscription on envelope : Hon. Charles P. Jones. 

To a Member of the Cabinet, an official letter 
commences and concludes as to a vice-president 

The commencement and conclusion of a social let- 
ter are as in the case of a member of the House of 

Inscription on envelope : Honorable William F. 
Peek, Secretary of State. 

390 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter 

To THE Governor of a State, an official letter 
commences : Sir. 

Conclusion: / have the honor y Sir^ to remain your 
obedient servant. 

A social communication commences : Hear Gover- 
nor Trenholm or Dear Mr. Trenholm. 

Conclusion : Believe me, truly [or most sincerely^ 

Inscription on envelope : Governor Horace B. Tren- 

To A Mayor, an official letter commences : Sir or 
Tour Honor. 

Conclusion : as to a Governor, 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mayor 
Thome or Dear Mr. Thorne. 

Conclusion as to a Governor. 

Inscription on envelope : His Honor the Mayor of 
Blankvilky Harold D. Thome. 

To THE Queen of England, an official letter 
commences : Madam ^ may it please your Majesty. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Majes- 
ty s most obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear [or Hon- 

Conclusion as for an official communication. 

Inscription on envelope: To Her Most Gracious 
Majesty y ^een Victoria. 

To A Royal Prince, an official letter commences: 
Siry may it please your Royal Highness. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain. Sir, your 
Royal Highness' humble servant. 

Nineteen] COttESlpOlltiniC0 39 1 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Sir. 

Conclusion : Tour Royal Highness* most obedient 

Inscription on envelope : ^o His Royal Highness, 
the Prince of Wales. 

To A Royal Princess, an official letter com- 
mences : Madam, may it please your Royal Highness. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Madam. 

Conclusion : Tour Royal Highness* most obedient 

Inscription on envelope : *To her Royal Highness 
the Princess of Wales. 

To A Duke, an official letter commences, My Lord 
Duke\ May it please your Grace. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to be your Grace* s 
most obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Duke 
[or Dear Duke\ of Blankshire. 

Conclusion : Believe me. Dear Duke, your Grace* s 
very faithfully. 

Inscription on envelope : ^o His Grace, the Duke 
of Blankshire. 

To A Duchess, an official letter commences: 
Madam, May it please your Grace. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Grace* s 
obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Duchess 
[or Dear Duchess^ of Blankshire. 

Conclusion: Believe me. Dear Duchess, yours very 

Inscription on envelope : ^o Her Grace, the Duchess 
of Blankshire. 

392 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

To A Dowager Duchess, the beginning and end- 
ing of a social or an official letter is the same as in 
the case of a Duchess. The inscription on the en- 
velope would read: To Her Grace^ the Dowager 
Duchess of Blankshire, or To Her Grace, Mary, Duchess 
of Blankshire. 

To A Marquis, an official letter commences, My 
Lord Marquis. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to be your Lordship* s 
obedient servant. 

Inscription on an official envelope : To the Most 
Noble the Marquis of R. 

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lord 
R . 

Conclusion : Believe me, Lord R , very sincerely 


Inscription on the envelope ot a social letter : To 
the Marquis of R . 

To A Marchioness, an official letter commences. 

, Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lady- 
ship^s most obedient servant. 

Inscription on an official envelope : To the Most 
Noble the Marchioness of R . 

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lady 
R . 

Conclusion : Believe me, Dear Lady R , very 

sincerely yours. 

Inscription on the envelope of a social letter : To 
the Marchioness of R . 

Nineteen] COtteSipOtttiettCe 393 

A Dowager Marchioness. The commencement 
and ending of either an official or a social letter are the 
same as in the case of a Marchioness. The inscrip- 
tion on envelopes, official or social, is ^o the Dowager 

Marchioness of R , or, To Susan, Marchioness of 

R . 


an official letter commences. My Lord. 

Conclusion as to a Marquis. 

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable 
the Lord Edward F . 

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Lord 
Edward F . 

Conclusion : Believe me, my Dear Lord Edward, 
faithfully yours. 

Inscription on envelope: To the Lord Edward 
F . 


Marquis, an official letter commences. Madam. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain Tour Lady- 
ships most obedient servant. 

Inscription on official envelope: To the Right 
Honorable, the Lady Edward Faulkner. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lady 
Edward Faulkner. 

Conclusion : Believe me^ dear Lady Edward Faulk- 
ner, faithfully yours. 

Inscription on envelope: To the Lady Edward 


official letter commences Madam. 
Conclusion: as to a Marchioness. 

394 Rncyclopdedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Inscription on envelope f 1*0 the Right Honorable 
the Lady Eleanor F . 

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lady 
Eleanor or Dear Lady Eleanor F . 

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Lady Eleanor, very 
faithfully yours. 

Inscription on envelope: To the Lady Eleanor 
F . 

To AN Earl. An official letter commences, My 

Conclusion: as to a Marquis. 

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable 
the Earl of Hull. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lord Hull. 

Conclusion : Believe me, my dear Lord Hull, very 
sincerely yours. 

Inscription on envelope: To the Earl of Hull. 

To A Countess. The beginning and conclusion 
of an official letter would be the same as in the case of 
the daughter of a Duke. 

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable 
The Countess of Hull. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lady Hull. 

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Lady Hull, sincerely or 
faithfully yours. 

Inscription on envelope: To the Countess of Hull. 

To A Viscount. The beginning and conclusion 
of either official or social letters are the same as in the 
case of an earl. 

The inscription on the envelope of an official mis- 
sive would be The Right Honorable Viscount Bland ; 
and on that of a social letter, To the Viscount Bland. 

Nineteen] COttefipOtltHetlC^ 395 

To A Viscountess. The commencement and con- 
clusion of both business and social communications 
would be the same as in the case of a countess; and 
also the inscription on envelopes, with the substitution 
of the title Viscountess for Countess. 

To A Baron. The same as for an earl, with the 
exception of the inscription on envelopes, which would 
read, for an official missive, ^o the Right Honorable the 
Baron Blackmoor^ and for a social, ^o the Lord Black- 

To A Baroness. The same as to a countess, with 
the exception of the inscription on envelopes, which 
would read, on an official missive, To the Right Honor- 
able the Baroness Blackmoor^ and on a social, To the 
Lady Blackmoor. 

To THE DAUGHTER OF AN Earl I The Same as to 
the daughter of a duke or marquis. 


Baron, an official letter commences : Sir, or Dear Sir. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your obedient 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Mr. Black- 

Conclusion: Believe me^ dear Mr. Blackmoor y sin- 
cerely yoursy etc. 

Inscription on all envelopes : To the Honorable 
Lawrence Blackmoor. 


an official letter commences : Madam. 

Conclusion: / have the honor to remain^ Madam^ 
your obedient servant. 

396 Encyclop^ia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Commencement of asocial letter: Dear Mrs. Black- 

Conclusion : Believe me^ Mrs. Blackmoory faitbfuUj 
[or sincerely\ yours. 

Inscription on envelope : T^o the Honorable Mrs. 


couNT OR Baron : The same as to the wife of an earl's 
younger son. 


The beginning and conclusion of an official let- 
ter are the same as in the last two of the above 

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Miss 

Conclusion : Believe me. Miss Blackmoor, sincerely 

Inscription on envelope addressed to the eldest 
daughter of a viscount or baron : To the Honorable 
Miss Blackmoor ; or one addressed to a younger daugh- 
ter : To the Honorable Mary Blackmoor. 

To A Baronet. An official letter begins. Sir. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain. Sir, your 
obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Sir Felix 
Greenwood, or Dear Sir Felix. 

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Sir Felix, finthfully 

Inscription on envelope : To Sir Felix Greenwoody 

Nineteen] COtt^SipOtltimfe 397 

To THE WIFE OF A Baronet. An official letter 
begins, Madam. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lady- 
shifs most obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : 'Dear Ladv 

Conclusion :' Believe me. Lady Greenwood, sincerely 

Inscription on envelope : To Lady Greenwood. 

To A Knight. Official and social communications 
begin and end as to a baronet. The inscription on the 
envelope does not bear the abbreviation Bart. 

To THE WIFE OF A Knight, in all respects as to the 
wife of a baronet. 

To AN Archbishop of the Anglican Church, 
an official letter commences : My Lord Archbishop, 
may it please your Grace. 

Conclusion : / remain. My Lord Archbishop, your 
Grace* s most obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Lord 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain, my dear 
Lord Archbishop. 

Inscription on* envelope : The Most Rev. His Grace 
the Archbishop of Tork. 

To AN Anglican Bishop, an official letter com- 
mences : My Lord. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lord-- 
shifs obedient servant. 

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Lord 

398 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remaitiy my dear 
Lord Bishop J faithfully yours. 

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Rev. the 
Lord Bishop of Oxford. 

To A Roman Catholic Archbishop, an official 
or a social letter commences : Most Reverend and Dear 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your hum- 
ble servant. 

Inscription on envelope : I'he Most Reverend John 
' F. McDonaldy Archbishop of Winston. 

To A Cardinal, whether official or social, a let- 
ter commences : Tour Eminence. 

Conclusion : as to an archbishop. 

Inscription on envelope: His Eminence Cardinal 

To A Roman Catholic Bishop, either an official 
or a social letter commences : Right Reverend and Dear 

Conclusion : as to an archbishop. 

Inscription on envelope : 51? the Right Reverend 
Thomas R. Blacky Bishop of East New Jersey. 

To A Protestant Bishop, an official letter com- 
mences as in the case of a Roman Catholic bishop. A 
social letter commences : Dear Bishop Greene. 

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your obedient 
servant y or / remain respectfully or sincerely yours. 

Address on envelope : The same as to a Roman 
Catholic Bishop. 

Nineteen] Cottedpontienee 399 

To A Roman Catholic Priest or a Protestant 
Minister, an official letter commences : Reverend and 
Dear Sir. A social letter : Dear Father Hally if to a 
priest, Dear Doctor Hall, or Dear Mr. Hally if to a 

Conclusion : in an official letter the same as to a 
bishop; in a social letter: Il^eg to remain faithfully [or 
sincerely\ yours. 

Inscription on envelope : The Reverend John Por- 
terman Hall. But if the person addressed is a doctor 
of divinity, the letters Z). D. may be added to his 
name, or the address may read: Reverend Dr. John 
Porterman Hall. 

Chapter rWENTT 


Their Speech 

GOOD manners, as well as charity, should 
begin at home ; and even in the nursery. 
Boys and girls cannot be too early 
taught not to contradict one another, 
but in expressing any difference of opin- 
ion to begin with some polite phrase, as, / beg your 
pardon^ buty or, / think you are wrongy etc. None but 
an untrained child will vent\ire to correct or gainsay an 
elder even in this courteous fashion unless asked to 
give his or her knowledge or opinion of the matter 
.under discussion. In doing away with the old and 
arbitrary ruling that children should be seen and not 
heard, we Americans have allowed our young people 
to run quite wild in the new liberty accorded them, and 
the little American girl and her brother have earned a 
very unsavory reputation in foreign countries, where 
their ready expression of quite unsolicited opinions, 
their forwardness in seizing a part and voice in conver- 
sations that do not concern them, and their prompti- 
tude in giving unasked advice, inspires not admiration 
for their undeniable intelligence and independence^ but 

Cfjiltirett 401 

profound amazement at the lack of modesty and good 
breeding they display. 

In the presence of strangers or older persons, a 
polite little man or maid would forbear to speak until 
an opportunity was offered by a pause, or to assist in 
the conversation unless asked to do so. Tes^ noy I 
thank yoUy I am not sure^ per haps y I hope sOy as answers 
to questions, are eminently proper when a child speaks 
to one of its own age. For older persons, TeSy mcCamy 
and Noy siVy imply the respect exacted from and paid by 
a servant to his or her employer. For children the 
need of deference due their seniors is amply, and in 
well-bred families invariably, expressed by affixing to 
the reply the name or title of the person addressed, 
thus : YeSy mother ; Noy papa ; Thank yoUy Aunt 
Mary ; I am not surey Mrs. Brown ; I hope sOy Doctor 

Greeting Friends and Strangers 

ON introduction to an older person, it is no more 
commendable for a boy or girl to press forward, 
crying out in an excess of manner, Welly Mrs. JoneSy 
how ao you do ? I am very glad to see you. I hope all your 
family are quite well — than it is for some untrained 
little unfortunate, with hanging head and sullen face, to 
mumble a sentence, and pushed forward by its mother, 
reluctantly hold out a limp hand or extend an unwil- 
ling cheek. 

Recognition should come first from the adult, as 
well as the offer to kiss or shake hands. How do you 
doy Mrs. Brown ; or Good morningy Mr. JoneSy is suf- 
ficient expression of greeting from the young person ; 
and he further displays good taste and modesty by per- 

402 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

mitting the lady or gentleman addressed to begin the 
conversation and to end it. On entering a room where 
her mother is entertaining a guest, a little girl stands 
beside the mother's chair until an introduction is made; 
and if a favor or question is to be asked, she should 
politely request permission to ask it ; and she should 
remember to give the caller a polite good-day on retir- 

The Well-trained Child 

A BOY would observe exactly the same rule. And 
in the street, when walking with his parents or 
sisters, he should lift his cap when they answer a bow 
or meet a friend. A boy can hardly learn too early 
that he should stand when the ladies enter a room, and 
open the door for his mother and older sisters. A shy 
child or an impertinently forward one is not improved 
by receiving correction in public from the parent who is 
too indifferent to strive for reformation of his or her short- 
comings in private. An untrained child will contradict 
its mother promptly and impertinently abroad, if 
allowed to do so at home ; it will openly stare or laugh 
at an unhappy deformity, frankly comment on a visi- 
tor's loss of an arm or redness of nose, and will accept 
remonstrance with bad grace, if only in the presence of 
strangers any restraint is put upon its often innocently 
unkind or malapropos observations. 

The Shy Child 

THERE is really no difficulty at all presented by 
the condition so often miscalled " shyness " in 
a child. Few children are naturally shy. Self-con- 
sciousness, an excess of vanity, a sullen humor, or a 

Twenty] €f)iit^ttn 403 

timidity engendered by a genuine unhappy ignorance 
of what to do, are too often the true causes of the ill 
behavior for which mothers too readily offer the ortho- 
dox excuse. No well-mannered child is ever too shy to 
speak when spoken to or to play its modest little social 
role ; and a simple course in children's etiquette insti- 
tuted tactfully at home and maintained with persistency 
and care will, in the end, unfailingly dissipate the so- 
called diffidence, very like morning mists before the 
sun's rays. 

Now and then a boy or girl of a nervous tempera- 
ment and lacking wholly in self-confidence betrays a 
case of shyness pure and simple. This a sensible mother 
can do much to overcome by herself rehearsing with 
the youngster many forms of entering a room, answer- 
ing kind greetings, etc. She would make a serious 
effort to assist her child in acquiring such an accom- 
plishment as dancing or playing an instrument ; there- 
fore, why does not the acquirement of a graceful bear- 
ing merit as earnest an endeavor ? 

Children's Entertainments 

TH £ afternoon nursery party has its duties, self- 
sacrifices, pretty courtesies and demands upon 
juvenile tact, no less than the more splendid affairs of 
the salon. Even in the playground it is important for 
the youthful host and hostess to understand the obli- 
gation resting on them to sacrifice their own pleasure 
for that of any guest and play those games the visitor 
prefers ; and on the occasion of a birthday dance or 
more elaborate celebration, it is not correct for the en- 
tertainers to be the most elegantly dressed of the 

404 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter 

Their Invitations 

ON small, prettily decorated note sheets or cards, 
invitations to a child's party may be written, 
under the mother's guidance, by her children, and 
either posted or delivered by hand. An invitation to 
a small dance may be written in the third person, as 
follows : 

Miss Mary and Master Edward Tborne 

Hope to have the pleasure of 

Miss Eleanor Bliss^ company 

at a dance at six (f clock 
Thursday eveningy August ^rd^ 
R, s. V. p. The Pines 

Miss Mary Pollock Brown 

requests the pleasure of 

Mr. Harold Jones' company 

at her birthday party on the afternoon 
of May the twenty^fifth^ at half past 
four o'clock 
R. s, V. p. 

Engraved invitations are not to be recommended 
for children's entertainments, though in New York, 
Boston and other cities, in circles where great wealth 
is enjoyed, invitations to very elegant juvenile parties 
are often issued in this extremely ceremonious, though 
rather incongruous, form ; and the wording is very 
nearly that used on the cards issued by their elders. 

Twenty] Cfjlltltttl 405 

When a nursery entertainment is on foot, or chil- 
dren are to be invited formally to a tea or luncheon 
party, notes are written and sent out by mail, or deliv- 
ered by the hand of a servant or even by the youthful 
host or hostess. Such notes should be written by the 
young person who is to do the honors of the occasion, 
and the following are safe models to follow in case doubts 
arise as to the wording of the missives : 

12 Mayflower Street. 
Dear Jeannie: 

I hope very much that you and Annie will come on Wednesday 
afternoon to a tea party on our lawn. Ml the girls and boys of 
our class are invited^ and I shall be very disappointed not to see 
you both* 

Ever yours J 

Sallie B. Holt. 


T'he Beeches. 
Dear Jack : 

My mother is going to give a picnic for my birthday next 
Saturday. Do come. Everybody is to meet here at ten o^clock^ 
and drive in my father^ s big wagon to the Falls. About fifteen in 
all. I hope it will not rain and that you will be sure to come and 
bring your banjo. 

Very sincerely yours^ 

Teddy L. Black. 

The Boy and Girl Host 

FROM four to seven o'clock is the proper time for 
holding a dance for young children ; and from 
seven to ten or eleven, for those under sixteen and 
over ten years of age. For a children's party held in 
the afternoon in winter, the house blinds should be 

4o6 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

closed, and artificial light provided. A piano or a 
piano and harp will provide all the necessary music. 
Flowers may be used in abundance; and ices^ cakes, 
fruits, salads and sandwiches are served from the din- 
ing-room table as a buffet A bowl of lemonade stands 
constantly ready by the parlor door, and dance pro- 
grammes are provided. In summer, an afternoon 
entertainment is best held out on the lawn, and as 
twilight comes on, paper lanterns used. Some older 
person should aid the young ones in receiving the little 
people, and impress on the small host or hostess that 
the most important duty of the occasion is to see 
that the guests have a good time ; that in the diver- 
sions there is no injustice done ; that no girl or boy is 
overlooked during the dancing ; and that everybody 
is served at the table. 

Answering Juvenile Invitations 

CHILDREN on being invited to a party must 
answer their invitations promptly, writing the 
replies themselves, either in the third or first person, 
according as the bidding to the festivity was worded. 
An answer to the first forms of invitation given on 
page 404 would probably run thus : 

Miss Eleanor Bliss 

will come with great pleasure to 

Miss Mary and Master Edward Thome* s 

dance at six 0^ clock Thursday 
evenings August ^rd 


Twenty] Cfjlltlten 40? 

Mr Harold Jones 

is very glad to accept 

Miss Mary Pollock Brown* s 

kind invitation 

to her. birthday party on the afternoon 

of May the 2^th at half past four o^ clock 

Answers to the second form of invitation, shown 
on page 405, might be worded thus : 

22 Morton Street. 
Dear Sallie : 

Annie and I are very glad you are to give a tea party ^ and 
we will come with a great deal of pleasure. We hope Wednes- 
day afternoon will be fine^ and with many thanks for your kind 
invitation^ I am ever yourSy 

Jeannie Macgregor^ 


Dear Teddy : 

I will come to your picnic with the greatest pleasure, Tou 
are very kind to ask me. I will bring my banjoy and be at your 
door exactly at ten 0^ clock on Saturday. 

Very sincerely yours^ 

Jack F. Marstonn 

It is never a wise course for parents to take upon 
themselves to write the answers for their children's in- 
vitations, or to extend, regret or accept invitations 
over the young people's heads because, forsooth, the 
youngsters' chirography is crude and their spelling 
doubSuL Given directions and the proper models to 
follow, any child will find not only pleasure, but great 
profit, in painstakingly preparing his or her own social 

4o8 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

documents ; and etiquette, like a foreign language, is 
never so easily, so thoroughly, and so lastingly ac- 
quired as when a familiarity with it is gained in the 

The Youthful Guest 

SHOULD a child be entertaining a guest when in- 
vited to a merry-making, he or she is privileged 
to write to, or call at once on, the giver of the dance or 
picnic to ask permission to bring the visitor along. 
And when arriving for the entertainment, he or she in- 
troduces the friend or relative to the matron of the oc- 
casion by simply saying: Mrs. Brown^ here is Mary 
Jones y whom you were so kind as to say I might bring. 

If the party is in honor of a birthday, congratula- 
tions, in the form : / wish you many happy returns of the 
day J are in order from the guests to the young host or 
hostess. On preparing to leave, every child should 
seek out the mistress of the house first, and say with 
a bow : Mrs. Brown^ I have enjoyed the dance very much 
and have come to bid you good evenings or Good nighty 
Mrs. Brown. 1 thank you many times for my delightful 
evening. Unless Mrs. Brown offers her hand or a 
kiss to her little guest, the bow and polite farewell are 
enough. With the younger host or hostess less formal- 
ity is necessary, but it is requisite to seek him or her 
out and say cordially, Good-bycy Bob [or Maryl^ ; / have 
had a very pleasant time indeed. 

Choosing Children's Playmates 

THE most important branch of etiquette for a 
woman to study is that which has to do with 
the pleasure, comfort and protection of her children. 

Twenty] Cfjiltiren 409 

It is a species of nursery and back-yard diplomacy 
that the young ones themselves don't understand, and 
of which the average woman is only too ignorant ; but 
it has everything to do with maintaining ner own sta- 
tion and good name in her neighborhood, or town, or 
street. Its first mission is to regulate and control the 
children's list of visiting and playing acquaintances, for 
small boys and girls are scarcely expected to show 
much discretion in their choice o/friends. 

The safe and only method is to be constantly and 
carefully questioning the children themselves as to their 
young friends, and always to insist that any child whose 
games they take part in and whose house they are 
asked to visit, shall be invited to their own nursery 
and to meet their own mother. If a child refuses in- 
vitations or avoids coming, the mother may quickly 
and rightly conclude that either there is something 
quite wrong with the young friend or the child's par- 
ents object to anything like intimacy with her own 
children ; and these can then very easily be brought to 
understand that the boy or girl who is too shy, indif- 
ferent, or proud to meet their mother, is not a friend to 
be cultivated. Children, who are loyal little souls, will 
act promptly on this suggestion, and a snobbish or un- 
desirable acquaintance is thus easily dropped. 

When neighboring children conceive a liking for 
one another and their parents are unacquainted, the 
latter should be at pains to learn something of the 
home influence and surrounding of the companions of 
their boys and girls. If in such a case a party is in 
contemplation, and the son or daughter of Mrs. B. 
wished to extend an invitation to the children of Mrs. 
A., it is safest and most polite for Mrs. B. to write a 

410 Rncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

courteous note to Mrs. A. seconding the invitation 
offered by her child. If Mrs. A. responds cordially, 
nothing more is needed to assure the first mentioned 
lady that the youthful guests come to her house with 
full parental consent. 

The Undesirable Playmate 

NOT infrequently a woman finds that the children 
of some friend of hers are spoiled, vicious, or 
vulgar, and therefore impossible playmates for her own 
well-reared children. Then the heroism of a good 
mother exhibits itself. She cannot in justice exclude 
the children of her friend from her house and acquaint- 
ance unless the friend goes too ; but it is better to lose 
many friends than to expose the pliable, easily swayed 
young minds of her boys and girls to a single evil in- 
fluence. On the other hand, children should be 
quickly made to realize that it is a derogation from 
their own dignity if they are repeatedly asked to a 
house, the heads of which never by note or kindly mes- 
sage recognize the existence of their parents. 

The Tactless Child 

WHEN an entirely acceptable but tactless little 
boy or girl becomes too frequent a visitor at 
a neighbor's house, or fails from a lack of sensibility or 
training to know when to call and when to take leave, 
a rather difficult duty devolves on the mistress of the 
house. Shall she tell the too persistent young visitor 
that it is late and suggest his returning home, or meet 
him at the door and deny his company to that of her 
boys and girls ? If she is a wise woman, neither of these 
courses will be followed. The proper method for her. 

Twenty] Cf^Ht^Xm 4" 

when a boy visitor appears too often, is to send her 
own son forth with the perfectly polite request that the 
caller excuse him as he nas tasks or errands to perform 
for his mother. She should be sure, though, that her 
son's excuse is a genuine one, and that his apologies 
are made kindly. In the event of a child visitor lin- 
gering too long in the evening or at meal time, she*can 
very properly say that she fears the young caller has 
forgotten that his mother may be anxious and that for 
that reason she may not allow her children to ask him 
to stop to dinner or to spend the night. 

Nursery Quarrels 

WHERE, in her own yard or nursery, a quarrel 
arises between her children and their guest, a 
mother must never fail to make her own boys and 
girls offer the first and an immediate apology — this no 
matter if the guest was chiefly at fault ; she should re- 
main deaf to any explanations. Her feeling should be 
that children must learn to respect their roof, even 
though their young guest fails to respect it ; and any 
mother is right who takes mortal offence at a complaint 
against her children. If Mrs. A.'s boy is a nuisance, 
let Mrs. B. cut him off her children's visiting list and 
refuse him admittance to her house ; but it is a cruel, 
unforgivable and useless intrusion to carry the tale of 
his iniquities to his mother. 

When, however, a mother learns that her son or 
daughter has been guilty of some great fault at a neigh- 
bor's house, the proper course for her to pursue is to 
take her child instantly to the injured person and make 
the child apologize, and herself oflFer every reparation 
and regret. This she must do in person, and not by 

412 Encyciopisdia of Etiquette 

note ; nor should she send the child alone. Where 
a visiting child commits some piece of mischief in 
the house^ it is not for the mistress to tattle on him, 
even though the child may never tell his parents. Nor 
is it ever Mrs. A.'s mission to correct Mrs. B.'s child 
ih the smallest particular. If his manners and mischief- 
making are troublesome, let her explain this to her 
children and refuse to entertain him ; but never, even 
if Mrs. A. comes to learn what is the matter, reveal her 
son's iniquities to her. Say very frankly : Mrs. Blanks 
if anything bos gone wrong, you must learn it from your 
child; it is not my business to remember it. 

Where a mother writes or calls to complain of 
Mrs. Blank's son, the only proper answer for Mrs. Blank 
is to assure her she will never be troubled again, and (juite 
break off all friendly connection between the families, 
for children are tender, foolish, and indiscreet little 
things, and to accuse or hold them responsible is 
very wrong, especially when reparation and regrets are 

Chapter rfFENTT-ONE 

The Well-trained Servant 

IT is the duty of the lady of the house to exact 
that her man or maid servant answer all queries 
at the door with as much civility as brevity. 
TeSy madamy and Noy siVy are the proper forms 
of affirmation and negation for servants to use, 
not the brief No and Tes or the slovenly Noy '», or 
TeSy mister. In case a visitor wishes to make inquiries 
or leave a message, a well-instructed servant immedi- 
ately admits the caller to the hallway. If there are 
doubts as to whether the ladies are at home, the polite 
servant says, / will enquirCy receives the cards on a 
small tray placed for this purpose in the hall, and lead- 
ing the way to the parlor, holds the door open or the 
portieres back for the caller to enter. When a message 
is left by a visitor, the man or maid should answer 
politely, Thank yoUy madamy or siry and stand at the door 
until the caller has descended the steps or entered the 

Neither servant nor mistress profits by any lowering 
of the proper barriers set between them ; and it is false 
consideration as well as unmeaning to use the term 

414 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

hired help with reference to household employees and 
attendants. No self-respecting man or woman resents 
the use of the word servant, or its meaning ; and those 
who are well instructed do not fail, in reply to their 
employer's expressed wishes, to answer No^ madam^ and 
Noy sir, in place of Noy Mrs. Brown, TeSy Mr, Jones, or 
such careless, familiar, and discourteous expressions as 
All right, I guess so. Thanks, etc. 

In a household where there are children under ten 
years of age, it is quite proper that the servants address 
them without the respectful addition of Miss and Mr. ; 
but a girl over ten and a boy of fourteen or upwards 
should be given their titles. A good servant imitates 
the mistress in walking lightly and speaking gently ; 
and above all things, cleanliness is essential in those 
who serve at table, on the box of a carriage, and about 
the kitchen and dwelling rooms. A waitress with up- 
rolled sleeves, a blowsy head, and clumping shoes, or a 
butler who is not freshly shaven every day and cannot 
show immaculate hands and well brushed hair, is a 
reproach to the employers, who are either too indiffer- 
ent or too grossly indulgent to exact careful and re- 
spectful service. 

When a butler or second man announces a guest 
to his mistress on her afternoon at home, on the occa- 
sion of a reception, large dinner or luncheon, he stands 
just outside the drawing-room door and as he draws the 
portieres aside asks the guest, (Vhat name. Sir [or 
Madam\ ? On receiving an answer he looks towards 
his mistress as the guest crosses the threshold and gives 
the name or names in a distinct tone. A mother and 
two daughters he announces thus: Mrs. Brown, the 
Misses Brown, or if the names have been given differ- 

Twcnty^nc] ^ttt){lttt0 4iS 

ently, he says Mrs, Brown, Miss Brown, Miss Mary 
Brown. A father and son should be announced as 
Mr. JoneSy Mr. Edward Jones. A maid servant never 
assumes the duty of announcing guests. 

How to Address Servants 

COURTESY exacts courtesy, and it is extremely 
vulgar for a mistress or master to give orders 
to servants in a surly, peremptory or domineering tone 
or manner. A pleasant voice and an amiable look in 
addressing them are marks not only of kindness, but of 
good breeding in an employer. It is not necessary 
to ask a servant please to pass a dish at table, or 
to be so good as to bring a book or wrap desired. 
However, when refusing a dish at table, civility 
demands a murmured No, thank you, and there 
should be an amiable Thank you now and then 
when a service is performed. 

To discuss private affairs or current gossip of an 
unkind nature, or to pass friends and acquaintances in 
critical review before servants is a serious mistake too 
often made in otherwise well-bred families. 

A mistress should not speak of her waitress or 
maid-of-all-work as the girl. A woman out at 
domestic service is either a cook, laundress, house- 
keeper, nurse or house maid; and she is usually well past 
her girlish years. The terms upstairs girl, nurse girl, 
and dining-room girl are to be avoided ; and preference 
given to chamber maid, nurse maid, waitress, ladies* maid 
and scullery maid, to describe properly and accurately all 
these feminine domestics. Where a butler is employed, 
he should not be spoken of or to as George, Henry or 
James. His surname, Jones, Peterson or Flynn, is 

4i6 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

properly used instead, while it is considered also the 
better method in regard to the coachman. 

Women servants are usually addressed by their 
given names, as Mary or Ellen^ except when two in one 
house have the same given name; then one should be 
addressed by her surname. The use of diminutives 
in naming or addressing servants is to be especially 
avoided ; Ellen ought not to become to her mistress 
Nellie y Mary^ May^ or Pauline ^ Polly. It encourages 
that familiarity which, besides being undesirable in 
itself, renders punctual and exact service impossible. 
A fear of familiarity, however, never prevents kindly 
and well-bred men and women from giving their ser- 
vants a pleasant good morning and good night. 

A mistress who knows what to exact of her servants 
trains them, in bringing cards, small parcels, and so on, 
to her, to present them on a tray and not in the hand, 
and never to enter a room without knocking. Men 
servants from the stable or garden should salute their 
employers by touching their hats with the first two 
fingers of the right hand, and should stand respectfully 
to receive any orders, again touching the hat brim or 
forehead when the interview is at an end. 

A good housekeeper, whether she has one or a 
dozen servants in her employ, commands respect by 
not losing her temper in the presence of her assistants ; 
by not overlooking faults in her moments of good tem- 
per, and not magnifying slight mistakes in times of 
vexation. A lady does not quarrel with her maids, 
does not tyrannize over them, does not sharply repri- 
mand them in the presence of strangers, and does not 
discuss her affairs with them or listen to their idle 



Servants Necessary in a Large House 

FOR a small household, where means are modest and 
servants few, no rule can be laid down for the 
duties and dress of the servants ; but in great houses, 
where from eight to ten men and maids are employed, 
each servant can be required to contribute a special and 
that nearly always a fixed amount of help in the daily 
routine of domestic work. The usual number of those 
employed in the average luxurious American house is 
seven — a butler, a coachman, a parlor maid, a cook, a 
laundress, a nurse-maid and a chambermaid. To these 
are sometimes added a footman, a lady's maid, a valet, a 
scullery maid, and a laundry maid. Beyond these the 
list can be increased almost indefinitely by adding under 
nurse-maids, a gardener with assistants, a second man 
under the butler's direction, and grooms in the stable ; 
but these are the luxuries of great riches ; and the mis- 
tress has rarely the direct guidance of more than eight 
servants in her own special domain, the house. It is 
always the better plan for the wife to correct and direct 
the women servants, and for the husband to control 
the men, who will more readily yield to masculine au- 
thority. The dress and duties of the various servants 
should be about as follows : 

The Butler 

THE butler's duties include superintending the 
cleaning, setting in order, and general care of 
the whole drawing-room floor, though his special pro- 
vince is the dining-room. A parlor maid should assist 
him in his care of all the living-rooms, sweeping, dust- 
ing, and washing windows on this floor, while he sees in 

4i8 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

winter that the open fires are kept bright, and in summer 
that flowers are fresh and well arranged, and always that 
general order is maintained. In his dining-room he is 
responsible for the table and all its appointments. He 
keeps the silver bright, his pantry immaculate, and 
serves the three meals. He arranges the tea-tray and 
places it for his mistress ; answers the door bell and 
sees to the closing and locking of the drawing-room 
floor at night. When a butler is efficiently assisted 
by a waitress, who does his rough pantry work, he can 
be expected to serve in a measure as the valet for the 
master of the house ; lay out that gentleman's evening 
clothes, and brush and press the garments worn by him 
in the morning. In a house where a second man as 
well as a butler is employed, the latter serves alone at 
breakfast and luncheon, but is assisted by the second 
man at dinner. If a butler is assisted in the heavy 
antry work by a second man, he should be able to keep 
is hands in excellent condition and be in readiness to 
answer the bell through the morning hours. When his 
assistant is a maid servant he answers the bell through- 
out the day or in the afternoon only. A butler car- 
ries the keys of the wine closet or cellar. He should 
be clean-shaven and freshly shaven every day. A 
bearded or moustached man servant in the house is 
not desirable. A tiny bit of very close-clipped whis- 
ker, extending for an inch at the edge of either cheek, 
is permissible. The butler miist keep his hair closely- 
cut, and his hands and finger nails, however roughened 
by his work, exquisitely clean when he answers the 
bell, brines the tea-tray, and serves at the table. White 
cotton gloves are not worn by the men servants in 
well-managed private houses. They are the insignia of 


Twenty-one] S^ttt^WXtH 4^9 

the untidy waiter had in from a second-rate caterer's or 
a restaurant dining-room. 

In the morning, the butler wears white linen, dark 
gray or black trousers, a high-buttoned black waistcoat, 
and a black swallow-tail coat, or a black round-tailed 
coat shaped like a gentleman's short dinner coat. After 
luncheon or at three o'clock, he assumes his evening 
livery : black trousers and swallow-tail coat, with a black 
waistcoat cut like that worn by gentlemen in the evening. 
Immaculate white linen, with plain white studs in the 
shirt front, a standing collar, white tie, cuffs fastened 
with link buttons, and shoes of lustreless leather that 
emit no creaking sounds, are the other items in his 
toilet. A butler is not permitted to wear a bouton- 
niere, a white waistcoat, a satin-faced coat, patent 
leather shoes, or perfume. He must not flourish a 
colored handkerchief, nor wear rings or a watch chain. 
His watch he can slip, without fob or chain, into his waist- 
coat pocket ; and the tie worn with his morning livery 
should be black or of a very subdued color and innocent 
of a pin. When guests are entertained at luncheon the 
butler does not serve in his morning livery but dresses in 
the livery appointed for the afternoon. Should a butler 
be required, as is not infrequently the case, to appear on 
the box seat of his mistress' carriage in the afternoon, he 
wears the livery described for a second man, with a high 
hat, gloves, and, in cold weather, a long coat, all match- 
ing in shape and color those worn by the coachman. 

The Second Man 

THIS may be a house footman exclusively; or, as 
is most frequently the case, it can be one who, 
besides assisting the butler, appears on the box of the 

420 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

mistress* carriage when she drives, serving then in the 
capacity of carriage groom and wearing the regular liv- 
ery of a carriage groom or over his house livery, in cold 
weather, he puts a long coat such as the coachman 
wears and dons gloves and hat to match the coach- 
man's. The second man in the house assists the butler 
by answering the door bell when that functionary 
is off duty or busy, by washing dishes in the butler's 
pantry and washing windows ; by building and tend- 
ing the fires, caring for the front steps and veranda, 
polishing brasses and taking part in the care of the 
silver. At dinner and for luncheon parties the second 
man aids the butler also in waiting at table. He should 
be clean-shaven and wear his hair closely trimmed. His 
shoes are such as the butler wears, and his livery is not 
changed in the evening. This consists of coat and 
trousers of one color ; the coat is swallow-tail in cut 
and is ornamented on the tails, on the cuffs, and down 
the front with brass or silver buttons. Both coat and 
trousers should be of the livery color chosen by the heads 
of the house — dark green, blue, brown, or deep plum 
color, with the outside edge of the trouser legs piped in 
yellow or red. A waistcoat of Valencia striped in lateral, 
alternate bars of dark green and yellow or dark brown 
and red, in accordance with the two colors that appear 
on the coat and trousers, shows between the open fronts 
of the coat, and buttons high. White linen, a standing 
collar, and a white tie are worn with this costume.. 

The Valet 

A VALET, whose business it is to wait exclusively 
upon his master as a body servant, takes no 
part in the general house work. His duties are to 

Twenty-one] ^tttl^tltfil 4*1 

keep his employer's wardrobe in order, lay out his 
clotnes whenever he makes a toilet, draw his bath 
water, and pack and unpack his trunks and satchels, 
and keep his dressing-table tidy. A valet may be re- 
quired to shave his master, and very often to travel 
with him ; but he is not expected to sweep or dust his 
employer's room or make his bed. Sometimes an 
obliging and accomplished valet is, when accidents 
occur, pressed into service as a butler, and then he 
assumes butler's dress. In the house, a valet wears, 
during the evening as well as by day, dark gray trou- 
sers, a high-buttoned black waistcoat, a plain black 
swallow-tail coat, or one cut short like a gentleman's 
dinner jacket, white linen, a dark tie, and soundless 
shoes of dull leather. Watch-chains, pins, rings, etc., 
are not permitted. In the street and when traveling 
with his master, he wears a sacque suit of inconspicu- 
ous tweeds, dark gloves, and a derby hat. 

The Page 

A PAGE or small boy in buttons is not infrequently 
employed in private houses in place of a second 
man, or as the only male servant. His duties are to 
attend the door, run errands and assist the parlor maid, 
who is then the head servant on the drawing-room 
floor. Throughout the day and evening the page 
wears a tidy livery of colored cloth ; with a piping of 
a bright, contrasting color down the outside seam of 
the trousers and about the cuflFs, collar and front of his 
coat A row of bright brass or silver bullet-shaped 
buttons fastens his short coat up the. front and three 
buttons are sewed on the outside seam of his coat's 
cuffs. A page boy wears white linen, black calf skin 

422 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

shoes, and out of doors a round cap to match his 

The Coachman 

THE coachman, like the butler, receives a large 
salary. All the grooms and stablemen are 
under his orders, and he is responsible for the condi- 
tion of the horses, carriages, harness and saddles, and 
the state of the stables. It is his duty to rub down 
the horses and clean the harness and carriage, or to 
order his assistants to do this, and see that it is well 
done. He either sees personally that the horses are 
fed and watered, that every bit of brass or silver 
mounting on the harness is kept perfecdy bright, that 
the horses are regularly shod anci are cared for if ill, 
and that the carriages when out of use are carefully 
covered, or he does it all himself. Whereas the buder's 
chief duty is to wait at table, the coachman's duty is, 
above all else, to drive his employers when and where 
they wish to go. On his box seat he maintains a dig- 
nified, even commanding, position, sitting with his 
shoulders back, his head erect, his elbows at his side, 
his feet together and well braced. On the box his 
whole attention is given to his horses ; he recognizes 
no one, save his employers or their friends, who, as 
they approach his carriage, may greet him pleasandy. 
Then he touches the front brim of his hat with his 
whip stock or first two fingers of his right hand. 
When orders are given him he touches his hat again. 
A coachman must be clean-shaven, and in the city 
his livery should consist of white leather or stockinette 
breeches, close-fitting and fastened at the bottom by 
small buttons on the outside of the knee, top boots. 


Twcnty-onc] ^ttt^KUtH 4^3 

and a single-breasted, high-buttoned frock coat of dark 
blue, bottle-green, brown or plum-colored kersey. 
When this coat is worn with breeches its skirts are cut 
about three inches and a half above *the knee cap. Six 
metal buttons, matching the trimmings of the harness, 
fasten the coat in front and four buttons appear on the 
tails, two at the waist line and two at the ends of the 
tails. A coachman's coat shows square pocket flaps 
and a crest or monogram may appear on his buttons. 
White linen, a standmg collar, with a plastron or coach- 
man's scarf, black silk hat, and tan, white or gray driv- 
ing-gloves complete his livery. On the top hat a 
cockade must not be worn. The top boots are made 
of calf skin, enameled, or patent leather and their tops 
are tinted pink, tan or a very deep russet shade. Pink 
or white ooze skin are the fashionable tops for the 
boots worn by the men who serve on a ladies' 
carriage. In winter weather, over his livery, the coach- 
man draws a double-breasted overcoat of any of the 
livery colors chosen. This coat is very long, and but- 
tons high with large brass or silver buttons. The 
actual length of skirt is five inches and a half short of 
the ankle and when the greatcoat is worn the short 
body coat is put off and a high wool-lined waistcoat 
supplies the necessary warmth. In exceedingly cold 
weather the coachman may be further protected by 
a cape of black wolf or bear skin reaching to his elbows 
and turning a tall collar up at the back of the neck. 
Now and then, in place of the top boots and white 
breeches, long trousers of the same color as the coat 
are adopted. In the summer and in the country, un- 
less a Victoria or brougham is used, this heavy and 
formal livery should be put aside for a complete suit of 

424 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter 

brown or gray whipcord, the trousers, waistcoat and 
coat all of the same goods. The trousers are long, or 
breeches are adopted, finished with l^gings of whip- 
cord, buttoned from knees to instep. The coat can be 
a cutaway or sacque in shape, having pocket flaps> and 
buttoning high. It shows at the throat a standing 
white collar of linen and white plastron. A square 
brown felt hat and brown driving-gloves and 
black or brown shoes are essential details. A 
coachman should be clean-shaven and freshly shaven 
every day. 

The Groom 

THE groom is either the second man from the 
house, donning carriage^groom's livery and 
appearing, when the mistress drives out calling, etc., 
on the box seat beside the coachman, or he is the 
coachman's first assistant in the stable. The groom in 
the stable takes orders from the coachman, and runs 
errands, drives the smaller traps, and rides behind the 
ladies in the park or on country roads. When serv- 
ing on the carriage-box, the groom stands beside the 
carriage door, holding it open for his mistress to enter ; 
he touches his hat as she appears, when she gives him 
his orders, and when he turns away to mount beside 
the coachman. Her orders he repeats to the coach- 
man, and when the carriage draws near a private house 
the footman leaps lightly down, runs up the steps, 
rings the bell, and coming back, touches his hat, 
opens the carriage door, and awaits orders. If the 
carriage halts before a shop or church door, or before 
a house where an entertainment that his mistress pur- 
poses to take part in is very palpably under way, the 

Twcnty^nc] ^ttt^KUtH 4^5 

groom alights quickly, and before the horses come to 
a standstill he is beside the cai-riage door to open it. 
If the carriage is to wait, he does not mount again to 
the box, but lingers beside it or on the sidewalk. 
When the master or mistress personally is to drive a 
trap, the groom stands at the horses' heads until the 
driver is seated and settled, and then mounts behind 
to the footman's seat, where he sits in a dignified pos- 
ture, head erect, knees together, shoulders back, and 
arms crossed on his breast. When the trap halts for 
the driver to dismount, the groom springs down before 
it comes to a standstill, and stands again at the horses' 
heads, touching his hat invariably when the least order 
is given or question replied to. A groom is always 
clean-shaven, and dresses for the box seat of a brougham 
or Victoria, with the exception of certain details, in the 
fashion already laid down for a coachman. On the box 
of a Victoria, brougham, or landau his hat, boots, 
breeches, gloves, collar and color of coat match the 
coachman's. His coat does not boast pocket flaps and 
is shorter in the skirts than the coachman's. His 
greatcoat is also an inch or two shorter and on the 
tails of both body and greatcoat he wears four 
more buttons. In the country a groom wears whip- 
cords as described for the coachman. For the groom 
attending a lady riding in the park, white buckskin 
breeches, top boots and a short-skirted black kersey 
body coat, with top hat and tan riding-gloves, are the 
costume, further distinguished by a broad brown leather 
belt, passed about his waist over his coat and fastened 
in front with a large brass or silver buckle. A gentle- 
man's groom wears in the country the whipcords and 
brown gloves, shoes and hat as described ; in the 

426 EncyclopdBclia of Etiquette [Chapter 

city, for service on a coach or cart, he dresses in 
white breeches, top boots and black or colored body 

The House Maids 

THE duties of house maids are differently defined 
by every mistress; but as a rule the woman 
who is not a chamber maid is a waitress, and usually 
devotes her time and interests to the care of the draw- 
ing-room floor. If there is no butler or page boy, she 
also does a butler's duty, answering the door bell, wait- 
ing at table, cleaning the silver and washing the 
dishes. Sometimes a parlor maid is the butler's assist- 
ant in place of a second man, and then she does the 
heavier work of the drawing-room floor, and at meals 
assists the butler in the pantry. She can also aid him 
very efficiently in waitmg on the table. The hair of 
a parlor maid or waitress should be the pink of neat- 
ness ; and from the time she appears in the morning 
until the time she goes to her own room at night she 
must wear a cap made in the form of a coronet, of lace- 
edged gophered Swiss frills, with or without streamers, 
and a small black bow of narrow velvet or ribbon. 
In the morning, a plainly made gown of percale and 
a large white apron, with bib and shoulder straps, are 
the proper costume. In the afternoon, an equally plain 
dress of black woolen goods, with a wide white linen 
collar and turn-over cuffs, and apron as directed above, 
are the appropriate livery. Jewelry, bright ribbons, 
and ornamental hair pins are never permitted to the 
well-regulated house maid when on duty. A chamber 
maid dresses in the same fashion as a parlor maid or 



The Lady's Maid 

A LADY'S maid's duties are to care for her 
mistress' wardrobe and assist her at her toilets, 
draw her bath, lay forth the clothes she elects to wear, 
and keep her room tidy ; but the lady's maid neither 
makes the bed nor sweeps and dusts the room. She 
takes no part in the general housework; but sews, 
runs errands for and generally waits upon her mistress 
only. The lady's maid does not wear a print gown. 
Her regular livery in winter is a simple black dress 
with small white cap and small ornamental apron, that 
may have a bib, but no shoulder straps. In hot sum- 
mer weather, a black skirt and print waist seem the 
appropriate costume for the American lady's maid ; 
and sne also very frequently dispenses with her cap, 
though it should be a part of her livery. 

The Nurse Maid 

FOR a baby's nurse the gown may be dark wool 
goods, made very plain and worn with a big 
white apron and plain white collar and cuffs, or a print 
gown with these additions. On the street, an infant's 
nurse wears, over her house dress, a long full Conne- 
mara cloak of woolen goods with skirts reaching to 
the hem of her dress, and with this a mob cap of 
white muslin, having a ruche of broad brightly colored 
taffeta ribbon all about the edge of the cap and ending 
at the back in two broad gay streamers, falling nearly 
to her heels. In-doors, the proper cap for a nurse 
maid is mob-shaped, of white muslin, with a muslin 
ruche about the edge, ending at the back in two muslin 
strings that tie in a small bow. 

428 Encyclopdedia of Etiquette 
Mourning Dress for Servants 

THE butler's dress needs no change for mourn- 
ing. The second man, if he has worn a colored 
livery, goes into a suit of the same cut, but of black, 
with black buttons. The coachmen and footmen wear 
black buttons on their black coats, and on their hats 
broad bands of crepe. Black tops replace the colored 
ones on their boots and black gloves are adopted. The 
women in the house, when in mourning dress, wear 
black and white print gowns and small bows of lustre- 
less black ribbon in their caps. 

Writing to Servants 

IT is not kindly in writing to one's own servants 
to write in the form of the third person. A gra- 
cious mistress or master will write in somewhat the 
following form : 

2J West Street^ 

May lo^ ip — . 
Aly dear Mary : 

We will return to the country on Tuesday by the J.JO train ^ 
which reaches the Hopetown Station at five. Be sure to have 
the house in readiness to receive us^ and order dinner for four. 
Tell Stoddard to come to the station for us with the surrey. 

Very truly yours ^ 

D. Everett. 

W^hen writing to a servant, the initial of the Chris- 
tian name is sufficient in the signature ; and the above 
form is appropriate when writing to a servant employed 
in a friend's house, if the servant is not unknown per- 
sonally to the writer. But if the servant is an entire, 
or almost an entire, stranger to the writer, the com- 
munication should be cast m the third person. 


^ljpf)a{ieti(al '^xCs^^ 

AGcepting, Invitatloii to dance* 

AccldentSt at taUe, 97, 112, 113. 

On the icreet, 374, 375. 
Address* on envelopet, 387, 388. 

Stamped on stationery, 382, 383. 

Form o( used when writing to titled 
penont, 388-399. 

Form of, used whoi speaking to ser- 
▼ants,4i5y 416. 

Form of, oaed when writing to ser- 
Tants, 388, 428. 
Aftemoon, reception tea, 287. 

Mttsicales, 304, 306. 

Bachelor tea, 352, 356. 

WeddiQg reception, 203-206. 

At Home, 32-36. 

Announcement, cards, 183. 

For birth of a child, 68, 69, 343. 

Announcing, gnctts, 414, 415. 

On day at home, 33, 34. 
At afternoon reception, 291. 
At balk, 135, 169. 
At luncheon, 245. 
At dinner, 81, 82. 

Anniversaries, wedding, 225-227. 

Artichokes, method of eating, 114. 
ArcfllrfsilOp, how to addrcM by letter, 

397» 398- 
Asparagus, method of eating, 115. 

Asldng, a lady to dance, 158-160. 

A woman to call, 25. 

A man to call, 26-48. 

Assembly, bsOls, 166, 167. 
Awning, when used, 128, 168, 195, 


Bachelor hospitalities, 352. 

Afternoon reception in bachelor's 

rooms, 352-356. 
Chaperon at bachelor's entertainments, 

35*. 353. 355. 35^, 357. 358- 
Dinner in bachelor** rooms, 356, 357. 

Dress for bachelor host, 355. 

Guests at bachelor's reception, 357, 

Inritations to bachelor's reception, 

353. 354. 

Invitations to bachelor's dinner, 357. 

Luncheon party in bachelor's rooms, 

ReceiTing guests at bachelor tea, 355. 
Supper party in bachelor's rooms, 356. 
Theatre party given by bachelor, 357, 

Servants at bachelor's entertainments, 

354, 355. 356. 

Yachdng party given by bachelor, 357. 
Badges, at public balls, 168. 

Balls, 118. 

Announcing guests at, 135, 169. 
Arrival at, timely, 153. 
Awnmgfor, 128, 168. 
Asking lady to dance,. 158-160. 
Accepting invitation to dance, 155, 

Assembly, 166, 167. 
Bufiet supper at, 135, 136, 167, 168. 
Badges at public, 168. 
Chaperons at, 129, 130, 142, 155, 

Committees, dudes of, 167, 168-170. 
Cinderella dances, 1 67. 

430 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette 


CotiUon, how to give, 14»-144. 
CotiUoOy partner, choowigy 163, 164. 
CodUon, fiiTon, 144. 
Cocfllonyhowtodancey 161, 163-166. 
CotUlon, how to lead, 161, 163. 
Dancing, proper potkkm for, 161, 162. 
D6butant^ 145, 146. 
Dranng roonii^ 134, 135, 168. 
DitMy 171-173. 
Eaoorting a lady to, 157, 158. 
Floor of ballroom, 132, 133. 
Ouetts, etiquette for, at priTate balls, 

OneM, etiquette for, at public balla, 

170, 171. 
Oueit of honor at priTate ball, 146, 

Ouett of honor at public ball, 170. 
Houft for commencing, 139, 169. 
Hoatctt at, etiquette for, 127-130, 

Hoit at, etiquette for, 139, 147, 148. 

HottciB, girl, etiquette for, 146. 

InTitationt to, 11 8-1 27, 130-132. 

Invitations to cotillons, 119, 120, 143. 

Invitations to infoimal dances, 121 . 

Invitations to dinner dance, 120. 

Invitations to d£bntball, 121. 

Invitations to costume ball, 122. 

Invitations to subacriptbn ball, 122- 

Invitations to public ball, 125-127. 
Invitations, written, 118. 
Invitations, answering, 149-151. 
Inriutions, asking for, 1 51-15 3. 
Invitations, refosing to give, 1 30. 
Invitations, R. s. v. p. on, 1 18. 
Inviting stFsngen to ball, 1 30-1 32. 
Introductions at private balls, 7, 8, 

141, 143, 145, 146, 148, 157. 
Introductions at public balls, 8, 170, 

Lighting ballroom, 129. 
Music at, 133, 134, 140. 
Position, correct, vi^en dancing, 161, 

Progrsmraes, 134, 143. 
Patronesses at, 167, 168, 169. 


Public, 167-171. 

Punch at, 137. 

Receiving guests at private, 139, 140. 

Receiving guests at d&ut, 145. 

Receiving guests at assanUy, 167. 

Receiving guests at public, 169. 

Servant! at, 135, 168. 

Supper at, 135-139, 168. 

Subscription, 166, 167. 

Seats in ballroom, 133, 142, 168. 

Tipping servants at, 171. 

Tempenture of ballroom, 129. 

Wall flowers, 140-142. 

Wines, 137, 139. 
Baron, how to address by letter, 395. 

Daughter o^ how to addiess fay letter, 

Younger son 0^ how to address by let- 
ter, 395. 

Wife of younger son of, how to address 
by letter, 396. 
Baroness, how to address by letter, 

Baronetf how to address by letter, 396. 

Wife of, how to address by letter, 397. 

BeS^ningS, proper, for notes and 

letteis, 385, 386. 
Best man* etiquette for, 213-218. 
BIcvclIng, etiquette when, 367, 368. 
Bishop, how to address by l^ter, 397, 

Bowlns:, 373f 374, 376, 377. 
Box at theatre or opera, 255, 256. 

Bonnet, at theatre or opera, 254. 
Bread, method of eating^ 113, 114. 
Breakftists, 248-250. 

Christening, 347. 

Weddwg, 206-208. 
Bride, etiquette for, 187-208. 

At second marriage, 224, 225. 
Bridesmaids, etiquette for, 1 90, 1 9 1 , 

Breaking dinner engagement* 

78, 79- 
Butler, duties and lively of, 417-^19. 

Buffet, supper, 135, 136, 137, 168. 

Business, calk, 28, 29, 43, 44. 

Cards, 47, 54, 55. 

^fialiettcal ^ntttj: 


Cabinet* member of, how to addrai by 
letter, 3^9* 

CalU, 17- 

Aftcmoon, 17. 

Aiking a wamaa to call, 15, a6. 
Asking a man to call, 26~i8. 
Butinen, how to pay and recelTe, a8, 

»9f 43f 44. 
Begging to be ezcnaed from calkn, 

36, 37. 
Chaperonage during, 29. 

Calling at theatre or opera, 255, 256. 
Country, 18, 20. 

Chance calli and callen, 36, 37, 41. 
Dinner calls, 11. 
DiKontinuing, ai, 24. 
Day at home, 17, 18, 32-36. 
ETening, 18, 41-43* 
Fint, 19, 20. 
Farewell, 24. 
Greeting caUen, 34. 
Hottcts on day at home, 34^36. 
Host on day at home, 37, 38. 
How to pay, 38-43. 
Hours for paying, 17, 18. 
Invalid's calls, 23. 
Introducing callers, 34, 35. 
Length of call, 42, 43. 
Men's, 18, 24, 28, 41, 42» 
Morning, 17. 

Not at home to callen, 28, 37. 
Obligatory, 20-22. 
Of condolence, 29-3 1 . 
Of congratulation, 31. 
Of inquiry, 31. 
On strangers, 20. 
On a friend* s guest, 25. 
On a friend in a stranger's house, 25. 
Perplexing points in calling, 24, 25. 
Recdving callers, 34-36, 43, 44. 
Returning, 22. 
Sunday, 18. 
Ser^^ tea during, 36. 
When to pay, 17, 18. 
Who to ask for when calling, 41 . 
Wedifing, 20, 21, 217, 221, 223. 
Cancelling, a dinner party, 74, 75. 

Cake, wedding, 203, 208, 227, 234. 
Christening, 347. 
Method of eating, 1 14. 

Cards, 45. 

Acknowledging cards of inquiry, 65- 

Announcing birth of child by, 68, 

Business, 47, 54, 55. 
Before and after funoal, 64, 65. 
Cards when calling, 56-62. 
Day at home signified on, 50. 
Divorced woman's, 48, 49. 
Engraving on, 45. 
Joint, 49, 50, 51. 
Jr., use of, on, 48, 52. 
Leaving, 62, 63, 290, 299, 302, 317. 
Material of, 145. 
Married couple* s, 5 1 . 
Men's, 52-55. 
Mourning, 55, 56. 
Number of cards left when calling, 56- 

P. p. c, 67, 68. 

Posting, 62, 63, 65-67, 289, 305. 
Strangers, 60, 61. 
Sr. used on women's, 48. 

Titles on, 45-48» 53-55- 

Tkavder's, 68. 

Women's, 45-50. 

Widows, 48. 

Writing name on, 55. 

Young lady's, 46, 49, 50. 

Of admission to church wedding, 178. 

Carriage, etiquette, 378-380. 

At weddings, 188, 192, 209, 210. 

At funerals, 322, 326, 335. 
Cardinal, how to address by letter, 398. 
Celery, method of eating, 114. 
Chafing dish, at luncheon, 248. 

Chaperons at balls, 129, 130, 142, 

I55» »7i. 
At theatre or opera, 255, 258, 259. 

At bachekv entertainments, 352, 353, 

355» 356* 357, 358- 
Ciuunbemiaid, dMies and livery of, 


Cheese, method of eating, 114. 

Children, 400. 

432 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette 


Apologies from, 411. 

Complaining of neighbor^ 411, 41s. 

Dtncei lor, 405, 406. 

JSnteitainmentB for, 403-406. 

Host and Hostess, juvenile, 403, 406. 

Invitations to children's entertain- 
ments, 404, 405. 

Invitations, answering, 406-408. 

Muttc for children's dances, 406. 

Mourning dress for, 330. 

Playmates for, choosbg, 408-410. 

Quanels between, 411, 412. 

Receiving guests at children's party, 

Shy child, 402, 403. 

Speech for, proper forms of, 400, 401. 

Well-tFsined child, 402. 

Tactless child, 410, 411. 

Guests juvenile, etiquette for, 408. 

ChrlstenlnsA, 343. 

Announcing birth of child, 68, 69, 343. 
Breakfiut or luncheon, 347. 
Church, 345, 346. 
Cake, 347. 
Dress at, 350. 
Drinking health at, 347. 

Gift". 349* 35o> 35". 358- 
Guests at christenings, 351. 

House, 346, 347. 

Invitations to, 345. 

Imitations answering, 351. 

Reception, 347. 

Sponsors, etiquette for, 348-350. 

Sponsois, choosing, 343, 344. 

Church, weddmg, 195-200, 230, 231. 

Christemng, 345, 346. 

Funeral, 325, 326, 334, 335. 

Cinderella dances, 167. 
Clergyman, Protesunt, how to ad- 

dren by letter, 399. 
Club, stationery, 382. 
Coffee, at balls, 136. 

At luncheons and breakfosts, 245, 

246, 247, 249. 
Coach, etiquette on a, 360, 361. 
Coachman, dudes and livery of, 422- 


Conversation, at uhle, 11 1. 

Condolence, calls of, 29-31. 

l-e«er8 of, 333, 334, 340-34*- 

Congratulations, calls of, 29. 

Offered bride and groom, 217, 218, 

220, 232, 233. 
Acknowledging, 204, 212. 
Conclusions, of letters, proper foms 
for, 386, 387. 

Committees, at pubBc balls, 167, 

Correspondence, 381. 

Addreaing titled persons by letter, 

Address stamped on stationery, 382, 

Address on envelopes, 387, 388. 
Archbishop, how to address by letter, 

397, 398. 
Beginnings of notes and letters, 385, 

Bishop, how to address by letter, 

397» 398. 
Baron, how to address by letter, 395. 
Daughter of, how to address by let- 
ter, 396. 
Younger son of, how to address by 

letter, 395. 

MTifo of younger son of, how to 

address by letter, 396. 

Baroness, how to address by letter, 395. 

Baronet, how to adddress by letter, 396. 

Wifo oi^ how to address by letter, 

Cardinal, how to address by letter, 398. 
Cabinet, member of, how to address by 

letter, 389. 
Concluttons of letten, proper forms for, 

386, 387. 
Club stationery, 382. 
Countess, how to address by letter, 

Crests, 382, 383. 

Duke, how to address by letter, 391. 

Daughter of, how to address by 

letter, 393. 
Younger son of, how to address by 

letter, 393, 
Wifo of younger son of, how to ad' 

dress by letter, 393. 

ailpSabetical 3r(btj: 



DucliM, how to addreu by leCter, 391. 
Ducheat dowager, how to addre« by 

lettw, 392. 
Earl, how to addreti by letter, 394. 

Ehiughter of, how to addreaa by ktter, 

Younger son of, how to addreH by 

letter, 395. 
Wife of younger son of, how to ad- 
dre« 1^ letter, 395, 396. 
Esqr., use of, in, 387. 
Governor, how to adinm by letter, 390. 
Justice of Supreme Court, how to ad- 
dreu by letter, 384. 
Knight, how to addrni by letter, 397. 
Wife of, how to address by letter, 

Mayor, how to address by letter, 390. 

Marquis, how to address by letter, 392. 

Vounger son of, how to address by 
letter, 393. 

Wife of younger son of, how to ad- 
dress by letter, 393. 

Dai^hter of, how to address by let- 
ter, 393. 
Marchioness, how to address by letter, 

Marchioness, dowager, how to address 

by letter, 393. 
Men^wr of House of RepresentatiYes, 

how to address by letter, 389. 
Mourning stationery, 383, 384. 
Monogram on stationery, 382, 383. 
Priest, how to address by letter, 399. 
Prince, royal, how to address by letter, 

390» 39 »• 

Princess, royal, how to address by let- 
ter, 391. 

President of U. S., how to address by 
letter, 388. 

Postal card, use of, 384. 

Queen of England, how to address by 
letter, 390. 

Senator, how to address by letter, 389. 

Stam{nng on stationery, 382, 383. 

Stationery, 381-384. 

Third person, use of, in correspond- 
ence, 384, 385. 


Vice-president, how to address by let- 
ter, 388. 
Viscount, how to address by letter, 394. 
Younger son of, how to address by 

letter, 395* 
Daughter of, how to address by letter, 

Wife of younger son of, how to ad- 
dress by letter, 396. 
Viscountess, how to address by letter, 

^ .395- 

Cotillon, how to give, 142-144. 

How to lead, 162, 163. 

How to dance, 162, 163-166. 

Favors, 144. 
Covers, at dinner taUe, 88, 89. 

Country, calls, 18, 20. 

Weddings, 180, 181, 188, 189, 195. 


Dancing, correct position when, 161, 
AAa musicale or private theatrical!, 

At weddings, 206. 
DanceSf'fbr children, 405, 406. 
For debutantes, 145, 146. 
Dinner, 120. 

I>av at iiome, 32-36. 

Delinquent guest, at dinner, 95, 

96, 102. 

D^initante, dances, 145, 146. 
Receptions, 294, 295. 

Dinners, 70. 

Announcing, 82. 

Accidents at, 97. 

Bachelor, 260, 261, 356, 357. 

Breaking engagement for, 78, 79. 

Coven at, 88, 89. 

Cards at covers, 89. 

Calls, 21. 

Cancelling, 74, 75. 

Dress for, 106, 107. 

Delinquent guest at, 95, 96, loa. 

Dressing rooms for, 82, 83. 

Etiquette at table, 103, 104. 

Fonnal, 79, 80. 

Guests, etiquette for, 102-105. 

434 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 


HotCcMy co^Bcttc ror^ 9S'''^9* 
HoK, etiquette for, 95, 96, 97, 9g, 

100, lOI. 
Hovn for gtTuig, So, 8 1 . 
Lighting, tabk, 83-85. 
Laying, tifale, 85-^7. 
LcsTing after, 104, 105. 
Mttoc at, 81. 
Menu for, 89, 90, 99. 
Number of guesti at, 80. 
Preceden c e at, 95. 
Pottponing, 74. 
Receiving gueM, 95. 
Serrantiat, 81. 
Seating guoti at, 87, 96. 
Serwig, 94-95. 
Simple, 99~io2, 
Smoking after, 97. 
InTitadonf, 70-74. 
Invitations, addretttngp 73. 
Invitationi, answering, 7^79. 
Invitations, R. s. v. p. on, 7*9 73. 
Introductions at, 95. 
Temperature of dining-room, 83. 
Talcing lady in to, 103. 
Time to arrive at, 102. 
Wines, 90-^2, loi. 
When to leave, 104, 105. 

Dress for, bride, 236-238. 

Bachelor host, 355. 

Balls, 171-173. 

Best man, 235. 

Bicycle, 368, 369. 

Bridesmaid, 191, 221. 

Christenings, 350. 

Dinner, 106, 107. 

Driving, 361, 362. 

Funeral, 339, 340. 

Garden party, 317, 318. 

Golf, 371. 

Groom, 234. 

Luncheon or breakfast, 251. 

Mourning, for children, 3 30. 

Mourning, for men, 330-332. 

Mourning, for women, 327-330. 

Musicales or private theatricals, 307. 

Pallbearers, 339. 

Receptio n s, 397, 398. 

Dress for. riding, 364^367. 
Theatre or opera, 257, 258. 
Ushers, 235. 
Wedding guests, 234r-236. 

Dressiog rooms, at balls, 134, 
135, 160. 

At receptions, 291. 

At dinnen, 82, 83. 

For luncheonsand bseakfosts, 244, 245 . 

For garden parties, 315. 

Driving, 359-3^3- 

Ducbess, how to address by letter, 391 . 

Duchess, dowager, how to address 1^ 
letter, 39^* 
Duke, how to address by letter, 391. 

Daughter of, how to address 1^ letter, 

Younger son of, how to address 1^ 

letter, 393. 

MTifo of younger son of, how to ad. 

dress by letter, 393. 


Eari, how to address by letter, 394. 
Daughter <^, how to addren by letter, 

Younger son <iXy how to address by 

letter, 395. 
Wife of younger son of, how to address 

by letter, 395, 396. 
BggS, method of eating, 110. 
Escortf serving as an, 157, 158, 372. 
Bsqr., use KiH^ in correspondence, 387. 

Evening, calls, i8, 41-^3- 

Musicalo, 305, 306. 
Receptions, 295, 302. 
Weddings, 194. 
Wedding receptions, 206. 
Expenses, of wedding, 187-189, 
209, 210. 
Funenl, 322, 323. 


Favors for cotillon, 144. 

Parewelly bachelor dinner, 210-21 1. 

Bridal luncheon, 192. 
Pees, for dei^gyman, 209, 211, 216, 
322, 348. 

For sexton, 209, 322. 

^Ipfiabetical SrCbtj: 


Fingers, used in tating, 1 13-1 1 5. 

Finger bowly no, m. 

Floor* for baUnom, 13s, 133. 
Fork, liow to use, 109, 1 10. 
Flowers* at fiuenU, 320* 313* 337. 

Fox hunting, 364. 

FmltSt method of eating, 114. 

Funerals, 319. 

Carriages for, 322, 326, 335. 
Church, 325, 326, 334, 335. 
Condolence, lettera of, 333, 334, 

D««» *»> 339» 340- 
Ezpeniet of, 322, 323. 

Fees, 322. 

Flowers at, 320, 323, 337. 

House funeral, 326, 327, 336, 337. 

Mourning dress for women, 327-330. 

Mourning dress for men, 330, 332. 

Mourning dress for children, 330. 

Music at, 325, 327. 

Precedence at, 325, 326. 

Pallbearers, 324, 325, 326, 337- 

Receiving those who attend a house 

funeral, 327. 

Seclusion during mourning period, 332, 

Servants at, 319, 327. 

Garden parties, 308. 

Advantages of, 312. 
Chairs at, 314. 
Carriages at, 315. 
Card-leaving at, 317. 
Dress for, 317, 318. 
Dresnng-rooms for, 315. 
Guests at, 316, 317. 
Hours for, 313. 

Hostess, etiquette for, 312-316. 
Invitations to, 308-310. 
Invitations to, answering, 310-31X 
Music at, 313, 314. 
Preparations fbr, 313, 314. 
Refreshments for, 3 14, 3 1 5 . 
Receiving guests at, 315, 316. 
Servants at, 315. 

QtftS, bridal, 189, 190, 227-230. 
Christenmg, 348, 349, 350, 351. 
Afber visiting, 285, 286. 

Qolf, 369-371. 

Governor, how to address by letter, 390 

Golden wedding, 227. 

Grapes, method of eating, 114. 
Groom, carriage, 424r^26. 
Guests, at wed<&ig, 230-234. 

At luncheon, 2 50-25 1 . 

At reception, 298-302. 

At ball, 153-162, 170, 171. 

At garden party, 316, 317. 

At musicaks, 306, 307. 

At theatre or opera party, 256, 261. 

At dinner, 102-105. 

At bachelor tea, 357, 358. 

At christenings, 351. 

When visiting, 278-286. 


House, parties, 263. 
Christenings, 346, 347. 
Maids, 426. 
Funerals, 326, 327, 336, 337. 

Home weddings, 200-202. 

Hours, for calls, 17, 18. 

For garden parties, 313. 

For balls, 139, 169. 

For dinners, 80, 81. 

For musicales, 303, 304. 

For weddings, 194. 

For luncheons and breakfasts, 242, 

For receptions, 095. 
Hat, when lifted, 376, 377. 

Oroom*s and uaber's, 215, 235, 236. 
Hostess, at dinner, 95-99. 

At ball, 127-130. 139-144. 

At wedding, 205. 

At luncheon or break£nt, 244-246. 

At reception, 292, 296. 

At muttcale, 305, 306. 

On day at home, 34-36. 

At garden party, 312-316. 

Of vistorv and house parties, 266-277. 

Debutante, 145, 294, 295. 

Girl, 146, 293, 294. 

436 Rncyclopcddia of Etiquette 

Host, at dinner, 95, 96, 97, 98, 100, 


At balls, 139, 147, 148. 
At receptiont, 293, 296. 
At luncheon or breakfast, 246. 
On day at home, 37, 38. 
Bachdor, host, 352. 
At weddings, 205. 

Introductions, i. 

Acknowledging, 4. 

At balls, 7, 8| I4^ I43» ^^S* H^. 

1481 157. 170, 171. 
At weddings, 205, 216, 220, 221, 

232, 233. 
At dinners, 7, 95. 
At theatre or opera, 255, 256. 
At receptions, 7, 292, 293, 294, 296. 
At musicales, 206 
Asking name before making, 4. 
Asking name after receivmg, 5, 6. 
Between men and women, i . 
Between women of difierent ages, 2. 
Between men, 2. 
Cards of, 14. 
Carefully made, 3. 
Hostess makes, 3, 6. 
How hostess accepts, 5. 
In public, 8, 9. 
Indirect, 9. 
Letters of, 11, 12. 
Manner of making, i. 
On golf links, 9. 
On tennis courts, 9. 
On the street, 8. 
On day at home, 34. 
Recognition after, 6, 10. 
Ruing to recdve, 5. 
Requesting permission to make, 8 
Shaking hands on, 4, 5. 
Special, 4. 

Invitations, to balls, 11 8-1 27. 

To dinners, 70-79. 

To weddings, 1 74-1 8 7. 

To theatre or opera party, 259, 260, 

To christenings, 345, 351. 

Invitations, to receptions, 287-290, 
To bachelor hospitalities, 353, 354, 

To garden parties, 308-312. 

To musicales, 303-305. 

To private theatricals, 304. 

To children's entertainments, 404, 

405, 406-408. 
To luncheons or break&sts, 239-242. 
For visiting and house parties, 263— 


Invalid's, caOs, 23. 

Jewels, bridal, 237. 
Journey, bridal, 216, 217. 
Jr., on cards, 48, 52. 

When addressing envelopes, 387. 

Justice of Supreme Court, how 

to address by letter, 389. 


Knife, method of uang, 109, 112, 113. 

Knlgllt, how to addrns by letter, 397. 

Wife of, how to address bjr letter, 397. 

Lady's maid, duties and dress of, 427. 
Accompanied hy, when visiting, 278, 
Laying table, for dmner, 85-87. 
For luncheon or breakfast, 242, 243, 
247, 248, 249, 250. 

Ladles' lunclieons, 242-245. 

Lettuce, method of eating, no. 
Lighting, ball room, 129. 

Dinner uble, 83-85. 

Luncheon table, 243, 247, 248. 
Liveries, for buder, 419. 

For coachman, 422-424. 

For groom, 425-426. 

For housemaids, 426. 

For lady*s maid, 427. 

For nursemaid, 427. 

For page, 421, 422. 

For second man, 420. 

For valet, 421. 

^llpfialietital Jtitiej: 


Luncheons and Breakfasts, 139. 

Announcixig guests at, 245. 
Breakfasts, spedal etiquette for, 248- 

Cof^ at, 245, 246, 247, 249. 
Chafing dish at, 248. 
Dressing rooms for, 244, 245. 
Dress for, 251. 
Formal, 242-246, 248. 
Guests, etiquette for, 250, 251. 
Hosteu, etiquette for, 244-246. 
Hours fbr giving, 242, 248. 
Invitations to, 239, 240. 
InvttatioDs, answering, 241, 242. 
Ladies, 242-245. 
Lighting, table, 243, 247, 248. 
Laying, Uble, 242, 243, 247, 248, 

249, 250. 
Menu fbr, 244, 247-250. 
Music at, 244. 
Miied company for, 246. 
Receiving guests, 244, 245. 
Servants at, 243. 
Serving, 245, 246, 247, 248. 
Seating guests at, 245. 
Smple, 246, 247. 
Wmes at, 244, 249. 
Wraps at, 250. 


riaid of honor, etiquette fbr, 222. 

riarkins wedding gifts, 229, 230. 

Marquis, how to address by letter, 392. 
Daughter of, how to address by letter, 

Younger son of, how to address by 

letter, 393. 
Wife of younger son of, how to address 
by letter, 393. 
Marchioness, how to address by let- 
ter. 392. 
Dowager, how to address by letter, 393. 
Mayor, how to address by letter, 390. 
Menu, for dinner, 89-90, 99. 

For luncheon or break&st, 244, 247- 


Member of House of Represen- 
tatives, how to address by letter, 

Men's calls, 18, 24, 28, 41, 42. 

Cards, 52-55. 
ilouming stationery, 383, 384. 

Cards, 55, 56. 

Dress fbr men and women, 327-332. 

Dress fbr children, 330. 

Seclusion during period of, 332, 333. 
Music at balls, 1 33, 1 34, 140. 

At weddings, 197, 199, 201, 202, 

At luncheons, 244. 

At children* s parties, 406. 

At funerals, 325, 327. 

At dinnen, 82. 

At garden parties, 313, 314. 

At receptions, 291. 

Musicaies and private theatri- 
cals, 303. 

Afternoon, 306. 

Cards at, 305. 

Dress fbr, 307. 

Dancing after, 304. 

Evening, 305, 306. 

Guesti at, etiquette for, 306, 307. 

Programmes for, 305. 

Private theatricals, 306. 

Hours for, 303, 304. 

Hostess, etiquette for, 305, 306. 

Invitations to, 303, 304. 

Invitations, answering, 305. 

Introductions at, 306. 

Receiving guests, 305, 306. 

Refreshments fbr, 305. 

Seating guests at, 305. 


Napldn, method of using, 108, 109. 
Nurse nuiid, dress and duties of, 427. 


Opera, etiquette fbr, 252. 

Box, 255. 

Calling in opera house, 255, 256. 

Dress at, 257, 258. 

Chaperonage at, 258. 
Olives, method of eating, X14. 
Oranges, method of eating, 114. 

438 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette 

Pase* <lutiei and liToy of, 421, 422. 
Bridal, 191, 199. 

Pallbeftren, appointing, 324, 325. 

Etiquette for, 337-339" 

PatroneAMA, of baiu, 167, 168, 169. 

Peaches, method of eating, 114. 
Playmates, for children, choosing, 

Plums, method of eating, 114. 
Postponing, a dinner, 74. 
Postal cards, uae of, 384. 

p, p. c. cardi, 67, 68. 

Priest, how to addren by letter, 399. 

Precedence* at dinnen, 95. 

At funends, 325, 326. 

In aide of theatre or opera, 252, 253. 

Programmer, forbaib, 134, 143* 

At muiicales, 305. 

President of U. S., how to addren 
by letter, 388. 

Prince, royal* how to addrets by let- 
ter, 390, 39«; ^ jj . 

Princess, royal, how to addreas by 

letter, 391. 

Public balls, 167-171. 
in public, 372* 

Apologiea, 375. 

Arm in arm when walking, 372, 373. 
Accident!, 374, 375- 
Bowing, rule for women, 373, 374. 
Bowing, rule for men, 376, 377. 
Convenationa on the atreet, 377f 378- 
Carriage etiquette, 378-380. 
Hat, when lifted, 376, 377- 
Street car etiquette, 375, 376. 
i^uncll, at balb, 137. 
At receptiona, 292, 296. 

Queen of England, howtoaddreaa 

by letter, 390. 
Quarrels, children^a, 411, 412. 


Recalling wedding carda, 185. 

Receptions, 287. 

Aftornoon teaa, advantagea of, 287. 


Awnmg for, 290. 

Carda at, 290, 291, 299, 301. 

Chriatening, 347, 

Dreaa for, 297, 298. 

Dreaaing rooma for, 291. 

Debutante, 294, 295. 

Evening, 295. 

Oueata at, etiquette for, 298-302. 

Hoateaa, edquccte for, 292, 296. 

Hoat, etiquette for, 293, 296. 

Hoateaa* daughtera, etiquette for, 293, 

Houra for giving, 29$. 
Introductiona at, 292, 293, 294, 296. 
lavitationa for, 287-290, 296. 
Muaic at, 291 . 
Refreahmenta for, 291, 292, 294, 

296, 297. 
Receiving gueata at, 292-294, 296. 
Small and informal receptiona, 295- 

Servanta at, 290, 291, 296. 
Wedduig, 203-206, 226, 227. 
Winea at, 291, 292, 294. 

Receiving, at balla, 139, 140* i4S> 

146, 147, "67, 169. 

At <tinnera, 95. 

At garden partiea, 315, 316. 

At luncheona or beakfoata, 244, 245. 

At muflcalea, 305, 306. 

At weddinga, 204-206. 

At bachelor tea, 355. 

At children*a dance, 406. 

On day at home, 34. 

At afternoon reception tea, 292r.294. 

Viaitora and at houae partiea, 272. 

At houae fonerala, 327. 
Register, bridal, 204. 
Rising, from taUe, 116, 117. 
i^ing, wedding, 209, 211, 214, 225, 

Riding, etiquette of, ^63, 364. 
R. S. V. p., on invitatkwa, 72, 73, 
118, 181, 304. 

Salt, III, 112. 

Salted nuts, method of eating, 114- 

^Iiabettcal StO^tj: 


Seatins guests, at baUt, 133, 14a, 

At weddinga, 118, 219. 

At dinnen, 87, 96. 

At mtittcaki, 305. 

At luncheon or breakfast, S45. 

On a coach, 360. 

At theatre or opera, 115, 361. 
Second, helping, 100, 115, 116. 

Marriage^ 214, 225. 

Man, dotiet and fivery of, 419, 420. 
Senator, how to addmt 1^ letter, 389. 
Serving, dinner, 92^5. 

Luncheon or breakfiut, 245-248. 

Tea, on aAemoon at home, 36. 

Tea, in bachelor roomi, 354, 355. 

Servants, 413. 

Accompanied by when Tiaiting, 278, 

AddreHing, 415, 416. 
Announcing gucats, 414, 415. 
At garden party, 315. 
At luncheon or bieakfiMt, 243. 
At bachelor entertainments, 3S4»3S5> 

At receptions, 290, 291, 296. 
Atdinner^ 81. 
At balls, 135, 168. 
At weddings, 207. 
When entertaining Tisitois and house 

parties, 273, 274. 
At funerals, 319, 327. 
On day at home, 33, 34, 
Butler, 417. 
Coachman, 422. 
Chambermaid, 426. 
Oroom, 4 * 4' 
Housemaids, 426. 
Lady*8 maid, 427, 
Liveries for butler, 419. ' 
Liveries for coachman, 422^24. 
Lifcries for groom, 425, 426. 
Liyeries for housemaids, 426. 
Lireries for hMiy*s maid, 427. 
LiTeries for nuiaemaid, 427. 
Liveries for page, 421, 422. 
Liveries for second man, 420* 
Liveries for vakt, 421. 
Nursemaid, 427. 


Number of, for large house, 417, 

Page, 421. 

Speech, proper forms for, 41 3, 414. 

Second man, 419, 420. 

Vakt, 420. 

Well-tnined servants, 413, 414. 

Writing to, 428. 

Silver wedding, 226, 227. 

Smoidng, after dinner, 97. 
Souvenfrs, for ushers, 209, 210. 
For bridesmaids, 192. 

Special train, 181, 188, 189. 

Speech, proper, for children, 400- 


For servants, 41 3, 414. 

Sport, 359. 

Bicycling, 367, 368. 

Coaching, 360, 361. 

Driving, 359^363. 

Dfcss for driving, 361, 362. 

Dress for riding, 364^367. 

Dress for bicycling, 368, 369. 

Dress for golf, 371. 

Fox hunting, 364. 

Golf, 369-371. 

Riding, 363, 364. 

Sponsors, 343f H4f 34«-35o- 
Spoon, method of using, 1 10. 
Sr» on cards, 48. 

Stationery, 381-384. 

Stamping, on stationery, 382, 383. 

Street car, etiquette, 375, 376. 
stranger's cards, 60, 61. 
Sunday calls, 18. 
Subscription balls, x66, 167. 

Supper, at balls, 135-1399 x68. 
In bachelors* rooms, 356. 

Table numners, io8. 

Accidents at table, 97, 112, 1x3. 
Asparagus, method of eating, 115. 
Aitichofces, method of eating, x 14. 
Bread, method of eating, 1 1 3, x X4. 
Conversation at table, x 11 . 
CaJce, method of eatmg, x 14. 
Cncken, method of eating, X14. 
Cheese, method of eating, 1x4. 

440 Encycloptedia of Etiquette 

Table Manners. 

Com, method of eabng, 114. 
Celery, method of eadng, 1 14. 
Eggt, method of eating, 1 10. 
Fork, method of uang, 109, 1 10. 
Finger bowl, method of uting, no, 

Fingcn, uied in eating, 11 3-1 15. 
FruitB, method of eating, 114. 
Knife, method of lumg, 109, 112, 113. 
Lettuce, method of eating, no. 
Napkin, method of using, 108, 109. 
Olives, method of eating, 114. 
Oranges, method of eating, 114. 
Position, correct, at table, loS. 
Rising from table, 116, 117. 
Spoon, method of using, no. 
Soup, method of eating, no. 
Salt, helping one* s self to, in, 112. 
Salted nuts, method of eating, 114. 
Second helping, when proper, 100, 

115, 116. 
Toothpick, 117. 
Wines, 116. 
Talking;, at theatre or opera, 253. 

Temperature, for ball-room, 129. 

For dining-room, 83. 

Theatricids, private, 305. 
Theatre and opera, 252. 

Applause at, 253. 

Box at, 255, 256. 

Bachelor's theatre party, 260-262. 

Bonnets at, 254. 

Coupons for seats or boxes at, 252, 255. 

Coats and hats at, 252, 253, 255. 

Cdlingat, 255, 256. 

Chaperons at, 255, 258, 259. 

Dress for, 257, 258. 

Dinner before, 260, 261 • 

Entering, 252. 

Entertaining at, 259. 

Guests at, etiquette for, 256, 262. 

Gloves at, 257, 262. 

Invitations to, 259, 260, 262. 

Introductions at, 25 5, 256. 

Moving in and out ofj 254. 

Precedence in aisles of, 252, 253. 

Seating guests at, 255, 261. 

Talking in, 253. 

Third person, use of, in cortcspond- 

ence, 384, 385. 
Tipping, at balls, 171. 

After visiting, or house party, 282-284. 

Nurse at christening, 348. 
Titles, on cards, 45-48, 53-55- 

In correspondence, 388-399. 
Toasts, at weddings, 210, 234. 

Toothpick, 117. 
Traveler's, cards, 68. 


Ushers, at weddings, 218-221. 

Valet, 110, 221. 

Accompanied by, when visiting, 279. 

Visiting and house parties, 263. 

Answering invitations for, 265, 266. 
Accompanied by maid or valet when, 

278, 279. 
Dress when visiting, 277, 278. 
Enteitaifijng viaton, 267-269. 
Formal house party, 266, 267. 
Guests, etiquette for, 278-286. 
Guestrooms, 269-271. 
Gift sent to hostess after a visit, 285, 

Hostess, general etiquette for, 266- 

Illness, when visiting, in case of, 274, 

275, 281. 
Invitations for, 263-265. 
Note to hostess after a visit, 284, 285. 
Receiving vtsitors, 272, 273. 
Speeding the parting guest, 275-277. 
Servant's duties when entertaining vis- 

iton and house parties, 273, 274. 
Tipping servants after, 282-284. 
Taidng leave of hostess, 284-286. 
Viscount, how to address by letter, 

Daughter of, how to address by letter, 

Younger son off how to address by 

letter, 395. 
Wife of younger son of, how to ad- 

dress by letter, 396. 

9llp|)abetttal SxCtitj: 


viscountess, how to addrm by letter, 

Vice-president, how to addica by 
letter^ 3^^* 


Wall flowers, at baUt, 140-142. 
Weddlns^, 174. 

Aisle procetuon at, 196-100. 
Announcemeiit cards, 183. 
AmiiTenaxiei of, 225-227. 
Awning at, 195. 
Best man, general etiquette for, 213- 

Break&iti, 206-^208. 
Bride, etiquette for, 187-208. 
At second maniage, 224, 225. 
Bridesmaids, nomba of, 190, 191. 
Bridesmaids, chosen by, 191. 
Bridesmaids, gcnenU etiquette for, 221- 

Congratulations, offering, 217, 218, 

220, 232, 233. 
Congratulations, acknowledging, 204, 

Cake, 203, 208, 234. 
Cake, attilTer, 227. 
Carriages at, 188, 192, 209, 210. 
Cards of admission to, 178. 
Calling after, 217, 221, 223. 
Country, 180, 181, 188, 189, 195. 
Church, 195-200, 230, 231. 
Dancing at, 206. 

Departure of bride and groom, 206. 
Dress for bridesmaids, 191,221. 
Dress for bride, 236-238. 
Dress for women at, 236. 
Dress for men at, 234^236. 
Expenses of, boiiie by bride^s parents, 

Expenses of, borne by groom, 209. 
Evening, 194. 

Fee for clergyman, 209, 211, 216. 
Floral decorations for, 195. 
Fashionable church, 196-200. 
Farewell bachelor dinner, 2 1 0-2 1 1 . 
Farewell bridal luncheon, 192. 
Golden, 227. 
Groom, general etiquette for, 208-213. 


Groom, at church, 21 1, 212. 
Groom, at reception, 212. 
Groom, at home, 212, 213. 
Gifts, acknowledging, 189, 190. 
Gifts, displayed, 190. 
Gifts, sending, 227-230. 
Gifts, for annivenary, 229. 
Guests, general etiquette for, 230-234. 
Hours for, 194. 
Home, 200-202, 
Host*s duties at, 205. 
Hostess* duties at, 205. 
Hats, disposition of, 215, 235, 236. 
Invitations to, 174^182. 
Invitations, answering, 185-187. 
Invitations, addressing, 175. 
Invitations, recalling, 185. 
Invitations, for oiphan bride, 177. 
Invitations, anniversary, 184, 185. 
Invitations, in name of step-parent, 

Invitations, to second marriages, 181, 

Invitations, to receptions, 179, 180. 
Invitations, to home wedding, 179- 

Invitations, to country, 180, 181. 
Inviutions, to church, 176, 178. 
Invitations, recalling, 185. 
Invitations, R. s. ▼. p., on, 181. 
Introductions at, 205, 216, 220, 

221, 232, 233. 
Jewels, 237. 
Journey, 216, 217. 
Music, 197, 199, 201, 202, 207. 
Maid of honor, duties of, 222. 
Marking wedding gifts, 229, 230. 
Number of attendants, 190, 191. 
Pages at, 191, 199. 
Receiving, guests, 204-206. 
Rehearsals for, 193. 
Refreshments at, 203. 
Register, 204. 

Receptions, afternoon, 203-206. 
Receptions, evening, 206. 
Receptions, for silver, 226. 
Rec^itions, for golden, 227. 
Ring, 209, 211, 214, 225, 237. 

44i Encyclop(Bdia of Etiquette 


Silver, 3a5~2a7. 
Senrants at, 207. 
Souveoin for bridftmaidii 192. 
SooTcnin fot mhcn, A09, aio. 
Settbg wedding day, 193, 194. 
Special train for, 181, 188, 189. 
Seating gveati at churdi, ai8, S19. 
Second marriages, 214, 225. 
Taking leave of bride and groom, 221, 

223. 233. 
Toaiti, 210, 234. 
Uahen, general etiquette fbr^ 218- 

Wines at, 203. 


White ribbon at, when nsual, 196, 

202, 218. 

Wines, xi6. 

At balls, 137, 139. 
At luncheons or break&st, 244, 294. 
Atdittnera, 90-92, loi. 
At receptions, 291, 292, 294. 
At weddings, 203. 
Widow's, cards, 48. 

Women's, cards, 45''5o- 

Young lady's, cards, 46, 49, 50. 

Yaciiting party, 357. 

^ t^.i 

* t 







Itotftlfi mjy 


I iiniiii